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Reconciliation :
How do I get past this?

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 Livingingrief (original poster new member #79723) posted at 5:02 PM on Wednesday, December 29th, 2021

I am a betrayed spouse. We are 18 months post D day. I have been with my spouse for 7 years now. I still can't seem to forgive. Here's my situation. About 3 years ago my spouse started taking xanax. After begging him yo stop, telling him how Gross he looked when taking them for a year straight, I stopped trying to make him happy. He didn't seem to care that this was hurting me so we stopped talking, stopped having sex and I stopped caring. I still wanted to be with him but I didn't know how to get him to stop taking xanax. He noticed I was being distant and pulling away. I thought he knew why I was unhappy because I told him many may times to stop taking xanax. Fast forward a few months and a couple we were friends with from years ago that we haven't talked to much in years moved into the apartment next door to us. To make a long story short, he ended up having a 2 month emotional affair with a girl I thought was my friend. The affair partners spouse was my spouses friend since childhood so it never occurred to me that she would be a threat. Mind you, our whole relationship he told me how afraid he was of being cheated on because his last girlfriend cheated on him and left him. My spouse was the sweetest man I knew. He was always kind and caring. He grew up with 4 sisters and his mom. No dad. He knew how to treat a women for sure. After I caught him texting her, he told me that they started talking in early February. That lasted til the end of March when they finally ended up having sex. He said that the sex was really bad and awkward. He says that he cut off contact after that and didn't talk to her for a month. He took xanax one night and I caught him texting her after a month of no contact. The part that I can't get past is that we were all friends. We all hung out together. They knew what they were doing eve while hanging out with us. How can my spouse do this? He says he felt guilty when hanging out around them but yet we constantly were around them. It makes me sick thinking they had their little secret and they got off on my humiliation. The affair partner and her spouse moved away 2 months after Dday but I cant seem to forgive him. What kind of person sleeps with their childhood friends girlfriend? What kind of person sleeps with their spouses friend? They were very close friends but they lived next-door for almost a year. I dont know what to believe anymore. He says he felt guilt but I cant believe that. I'm more confused than ever. I need help!!!!

posts: 21   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2021
id 8706416
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 6:00 PM on Wednesday, December 29th, 2021

You get through it,not past it. And, if you do it right,and not rugsweep, it takes about 5 years.It helps when your spouse is doing the work to become a safe partner. What work is he doing on himself? In addition, is he fully transparent? Do you have all his passwords, and full access to his phone, all accounts? Did he get tested for stds? What is he doing to help you?

posts: 3876   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8706422
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 6:02 PM on Wednesday, December 29th, 2021

I also think you should trust your gut. He didn't feel guilty, otherwise he would have told you. He wasn't sorry,until you knew about it

posts: 3876   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8706423
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ISurvivedSoFar ( Guide #56915) posted at 6:28 PM on Wednesday, December 29th, 2021

What do you want most Livingingrief? Do you want to be with him? What keeps you there? Do you want to repair and if so why?

What has he done to make amends?

I highly recommend you take a look at The Healing Library here on SI. There are great articles to read that will help you sort through your feelings and start to realize the boundaries you need to set with your WS (wayward spouse). This recovery is yours to take and to learn and to process so you can create what you need to be safe and content.

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2727   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8706425
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Seeking2Forgive ( member #78819) posted at 10:08 PM on Wednesday, December 29th, 2021

I'm so sorry he has put you in this position, Livingingrief. What you're feeling is normal for someone who has gone through the trauma of betrayal. It simply makes no sense.

They do these things for a lot of different reasons but generally it boils their own emotional problems and inability to cope with them. Your H's use of xanax is a red flag for that. Is he in IC working to understand why? Obviously there are no good answers. It can't sooth the pain that he has created, but it's important to know that he's willing to do that work if you have any hope of developing some trust again.

Are you in IC to help you deal with this trauma? You should focus on yourself and what you need going forward. It's up to him to show that he can do what you need to feel safe with him again - if that's what you want.

Read the material in the Healing Library for BSs. It will help you understand that a lot of people have shared your pain and help you think about what your options are going forward.

Best wishes.

Me: 60, BS
Her: 59, FWS
Dday: 11/15/03
Married 37 yrs
Reconciled

posts: 200   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2021
id 8706444
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alucard ( member #78796) posted at 10:53 PM on Wednesday, December 29th, 2021

@livinggrief

I am about 15 months out too, and that's what I've been wondering too.

IMO, I don't think one can get past it.
I am realizing that I will never get past it. Betrayal of your SO is a MONSTROUS act. One of the vilest acts a human can perform.

I cannot accept the betrayal, I cannot accept the choice of disrespect, humiliating, and hurting your life partner so deeply.
I am realizing that I don't think one can ever truly R.
It's just a compromise to the bottom that one makes, mostly losing his soul in the process.

I love my wife to death, and so does she, but I think that the minute a partner cheats, the relationships, a TRUE sense of relationship, and true love are gone forever.

Now the question is can I (we) live with this? Is this amputated, diminished version of a life partnership enough? I am realizing that it is not. It is not worth it.

[This message edited by alucard at 11:03 PM, Wednesday, December 29th]

posts: 126   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8706451
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 11:26 PM on Wednesday, December 29th, 2021

You are asking "who does these kinds of things?" and you can see by the # of people here at SI that there are THOUSANDS who behave this way.

It’s not just the affair in your case but who it was with that adds a double whammy.

I’m sorry for you - it just seems as though you have much to deal with. The pain of the affair coupled with WHO the OW was etc. plus the humiliation of the 4 of you being together.

And his friend must be devastated as well.

Counseling can help. Just for you. To have someone support you and be there just for you.

Don’t let him tell you "he wasn’t himself" while using the Xanax. That’s a cop out and just a lame excuse. But you already knew that.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11162   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8706457
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Justabranch ( member #54694) posted at 11:44 PM on Wednesday, December 29th, 2021

Ugh. I'm really sorry, LG. It sucks.

I came back here tonight because my spidey-sense is tingling. See, I made the decision to stay and forgive almost five years ago. Bad decision. She cheated three more times. I forgave each one. I must have boogers for brains, because she's just not worth it.

I pulled out the journal I kept during the last few years. So, much gaslighting. Trickle truth, if there was any truth at all. And my own blindness.

Now I have to do what I should have years ago.

Trust your gut, sister. If they're not showing remorse, or doing the work, you are going to get into a cycle of heart-stomping that you'll have to die to escape. Mine isn't changing and neither is yours.

Listen to what people tell you here. I sure wish I had.

A question ain't really a question
If you know the answer too.

Me: BH, 62yo
Her: WW, 50yo
Married 21 years, together 25 years
DDay#1: 16 Aug 2017
DDay#2: 3 Feb 2018
DDay#3: Nov 2018
Son: 20yo

posts: 139   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2016   ·   location: Détente
id 8706460
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 Livingingrief (original poster new member #79723) posted at 1:46 AM on Thursday, December 30th, 2021

I have full access to everything. We both did an STD test which thankfully came back negative. We are not in counseling but I have read so much about affairs. I have read anything and everything there is to read. He keeps in touch all day so that makes me feel a little better but he's not doing his part. I bought 2 books for him and told him to read to educate him which he never seems to have time for. I beg him to read but it never gets done!I tried to motivate him but it never works. We don't talk much because he literally cannot talk. He shuts down instantly because of his shame. He says my being distant made him think I didn't love him anymore and that's why it happened but he knew I was unhappy with the xanax use. He says he never even thought about leaving me. We have 2 kids(girls) ages 11 and 13. I think that was my main reason I didn't leave at first. I still don't know what I truly want. I am trying to reconcile the way I used to see him and how I see him now. He knew the pain this causes because he went through it himself. I just can't seem to forgive.

posts: 21   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2021
id 8706475
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 Livingingrief (original poster new member #79723) posted at 1:53 AM on Thursday, December 30th, 2021

I know he did have to feel at least some guilt because he cut the relationship off right after tbey had sex. The same day. But the only reason I caught him is because they were texting again after a month of no contact. He says it's because he was feeling bad about himself again and he was also on xanax yet again on DDAY.

posts: 21   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2021
id 8706476
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messyleslie ( member #58177) posted at 4:34 AM on Thursday, December 30th, 2021

I never know if I should post on the reconciliation board since I ended up divorced but I tried for three long years to reconcile before I decided to end my marriage.

My ex is an addict as well (alcohol but he at one point did actually switch to Xanax) and he also felt overwhelming shame - so much that it was hard for him to talk about it all.

And at some level that made me feel like reconciliation was going to work because he felt awful and totally took responsibility.

But on another level that shame was used as shield for dealing with his issues. Looking back he didn’t do the hard work because it was too hard. He said he couldn’t get past the shame but really that’s just putting the focus on himself. Instead of looking at how much he hurt me it was all about how horrible he felt.

And then nothing changed. He didn’t do that work to face his addiction or his affair.

I would really recommend you stop working on your marriage until your husband is healthy enough with his addiction that he can do the work on your marriage. Right now he is still an addict (unless he has been through a program and has been sober) and you cannot form a new healthy marriage with an addict.

posts: 266   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8706487
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 1:31 PM on Thursday, December 30th, 2021

Hi, livingingrief.

I don't think any of us ever really get over it, we get through it.

So many stories of disgusting behavior on the part of the waywards. There's always an excuse, but honestly there's never a justifiable excuse. Xanax doesn't make you have sex with someone other than your partner. Neither does feeling bad, low self esteem, entitlement, you get the picture.

You've experienced a double betrayal which is really a hard pill to swallow. The two people who were supposed to have your back stabbed it repeatedly.

Individual counseling would be beneficial to you to work through your emotions. Know that whether you stay or go, you will be ok.

posts: 11381   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8706506
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 Livingingrief (original poster new member #79723) posted at 1:48 PM on Thursday, December 30th, 2021

On Dday, he quit xanax cold turkey and hasn't touched them since. He says he would get loaded, text her and go to bed and the next morning he would ask himself why am I doing this? He said he's not even attracted to her. One of the things that has my self esteem very low right now is the fact that I am a good person and the AP was not. Before his affair, he would rag on her about how she acted. Not to sound like I I all that but I am so much prettier than she is, on the outside and on the inside. And that makes this all more confusing. I just dont know what to feel anymore.

[This message edited by Livingingrief at 2:03 PM, Thursday, December 30th]

posts: 21   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2021
id 8706510
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Ladybugmaam ( member #69881) posted at 2:29 PM on Thursday, December 30th, 2021

I'm the BS of a double betrayal. We're almost 3 years out. Nope, I don't think you ever get over it.....but you can get through it. What REALLY helped us was great counseling. Xanax is HIGHLY addictive. My doc gave it to me post DDay, and it frightened me. It wasn't perfect, but we're still here. Hang in there.

EA DD 11/2018
PA DD 2/25/19
One teen son

posts: 198   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2019
id 8706515
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 3:48 PM on Thursday, December 30th, 2021

One of the things that has my self esteem very low right now is the fact that I am a good person and the AP was not. Before his affair, he would rag on her about how she acted. Not to sound like I I all that but I am so much prettier than she is, on the outside and on the inside. And that makes this all more confusing. I just dont know what to feel anymore.

I just BUMPED a thread for you in the Just Found Out Forum. This might help to explain away some of the confusion smile . The thread is called, "honey, they always affair down".

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5815   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8706521
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 8:59 PM on Thursday, December 30th, 2021

I have been around this site for quite some years now. Every now and then I post something that I realize afterwards isn’t necessarily within the guidelines the creators of this site ask us to stick to. That’s why I pause every now and then and read the short mission statement that’s posted below every forum on the Main Page.

For Reconciliation this is stated:


A wonderful place to share your struggles, success stories, and triggers while trying to reconcile. There is to be no name calling in this forum. Venting is to be limited to you and/or your partner. Please post respectfully and constructively keeping in mind the goal for this forum is to reconcile. It's a long road, but you can do it!

When people post here projecting their own situation into other’s and claim reconciliation is simply a massive compromise and costs you your soul… I think maybe more should pause and read what this particular forum is about.

Nobody says it's easy and I guess less than half that set off really reconcile. But it is attainable.

[This message edited by Bigger at 8:59 PM, Thursday, December 30th]

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10178   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8706578
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BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 9:13 PM on Thursday, December 30th, 2021

You say you "cannot forgive him," yet you also say:

...he's not doing his part. I bought 2 books for him and told him to read to educate him which he never seems to have time for. I beg him to read but it never gets done!I tried to motivate him but it never works. We don't talk much because he literally cannot talk. He shuts down instantly because of his shame

So, you are outworking him to try to heal...and you are playing manager to his healing/work to help show he is a changed and safe partner? ...and he's still not really engaging.

This is why you aren't feeling safe, and (IMO) why you shouldn't feel safe. He isn't putting in his own effort to change. He hasn't done the work to change.

He needs to engage on his own. If he is paralyzed by shame, he needs IC to help him engage in his work.

He has shown you he can be a very unsafe partner.
You can do work to heal yourself, but you cannot do the work to make him become a safe partner.

Me=BW
WH had online affairs
Married 30 yrs now
2 kids, both in HS
Dday#1=2/7/20
Dday#2=2/12/20
Dday#3=2/17/20
Dday#4=11/25/20...1st A with cOW was actually 2 1/2 years
BW & WH in IC & MC. Working toward R, but day

posts: 108   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8706585
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 3:10 AM on Friday, December 31st, 2021

I Have read anything and everything there is to read. He keeps in touch all day so that makes me feel a little better but he's not doing his part. I bought 2 books for him and told him to read to educate him which he never seems to have time for.

And there lies the rub. He broke it and you are working your ass off to fix it. I've often wondered why the standard advice here is to wait 6 months before doing anything. Yes, I know we BSs are in shock, but why should we not choose the nuclear option on Dday? I really have come to the position that D should be thecdefault position in the majority of infidelity cases. Helk, it's where most end up, znd it would shock the hell out of those few waywards that are capable of changing, thus abreviating the process for R.

Me:53STBXWW:51DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

posts: 1184   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8706648
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 11:35 AM on Friday, December 31st, 2021

One of MY requirements at dday2 was my H was on his own.

I had already told him that I was going to D him. So I was executing my exit plan.

However he’s begging to reconcile.

So I told him this: you want to reconcile? Go right ahead. But I am not helping you turn this around. You are on your own.

End of conversation. I left the room.

And he did turn it around and he was on his own. The changes were immediate. They were obvious. One year later we were still together (miracle) b/c I had no intention of staying married to him.

But had I helped him I don’t know if that would have been the best path. He had to prove he wanted this marriage and do it without me leading him down the path. I kept trying to R after Dday 1 and I was dragging him along.

He did NOTHING!!

Why? He was still cheating and planning to D me. A waste of 6 months.

I suggest you stop trying to "help" your H. He either steps up or you recognize he’s not the guy you thought he was and you adjust or adapt or S or D.

But please don’t live in the delusional world that he’s going to magically get it. He either does (on his own) or he doesn’t.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11162   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8706671
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 4:41 PM on Friday, December 31st, 2021

He shuts down instantly because of his shame. He says my being distant made him think I didn't love him anymore and that's why it happened but he knew I was unhappy with the xanax use.

This is addict shit. He may not be using right now, but he's still in addict mindset. He is the victim of his own drug abuse. Your pain at his drug abuse was victimizing to him. He had to cheat because you didn't embrace him as a drug addict and that's your fault. Poor him.

Mine was also an addict. He cheated because we had grown apart during his physical and emotional withdrawal from me due to his cheating that I didn't know about and then since he had withdrawn from me and felt distant he also started doing drugs which was because of this imaginary distance that I was unaware of. That didn't make any sense, did it? Addict shit.

You can't reason with it. You'll be spinning your wheels trying to and your brain will eventually just fall out.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4783   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8706729
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