Newest Member: JM333

Livingingrief

Compartmentalized

How do unfaithfuls compartmentalize their As if they are conducting some of that A on front of the AP, OBS and their spouse?

10 comments posted: Friday, August 18th, 2023

H basically told my best friend he looks at her Butt!

Ive posted about this once before but I didn't get many responses.

My best friend showed me a message from my H and I heartbroken. My H told my friend " YOU BETTER STOP COMING OVER HERE IN THOSE SHORTS, YOUR ASS IS GOING TO GET ME IN TROUBLE "
MY H basically told my best friend he stares at her ass when she is around.
Why would any sane man do something like this? Before this, he had never ever done or said anything inappropriate to any woman.
His excuse was it was a joke. Which is complete bullshit because my H knew when I found out about this, I would be hurt. With the knowledge that my friend would show me, I cant understand why he would say what he said. My best friend now feels like my H is a creep. My friend does have a nice ass and I know my H has probably looked at it every time she has been over. That's normal. But to TELL HER. To tell her he basically likes looking at her ass disgusts me.

Why would any man say something so inappropriate to their wife's friend knowing I was going to find out?
Why would my H say this to her and not care how it would destroy my self esteem?

11 comments posted: Tuesday, August 8th, 2023

H basically told my best friend he looks at her butt

My best friend showed me a message from my H and I heartbroken. My H told my friend " YOU BETTER STOP COMING OVER HERE IN THOSE SHORTS, YOUR ASS IS GOING TO GET ME IN TROUBLE "
MY H basically told my best friend he stares at her ass when she is around.
Why would any sane man do something like this? Before this, he had never ever done or said anything inappropriate to any woman.
His excuse was it was a joke. Which is complete bullshit because my H knew when I found out about this, I would be hurt. With the knowledge that my friend would show me, I cant understand why he would say what he said. My best friend now feels like my H is a creep. My friend does have a nice ass and I know my H has probably looked at it every time she has been over. That's normal. But to TELL HER. To tell her he basically likes looking at her ass disgusts me.

Why would any man say something so inappropriate to their wife's friend knowing I was going to find out?
Why would my H say this to her and not care how it would destroy my self esteem?

1 comment posted: Monday, August 7th, 2023

H basically told my best friend he looks at her butt

My best friend showed me a message from my H and I heartbroken. My H told my friend " YOU BETTER STOP COMING OVER HERE IN THOSE SHORTS, YOUR ASS IS GOING TO GET ME IN TROUBLE "
MY H basically told my best friend he stares at her ass when she is around.
Why would any sane man do something like this? Before this, he had never ever done or said anything inappropriate to any woman.
His excuse was it was a joke. Which is complete bullshit because my H knew when I found out about this, I would be hurt. With the knowledge that my friend would show me, I cant understand why he would say what he said. My best friend now feels like my H is a creep. My friend does have a nice ass and I know my H has probably looked at it every time she has been over. That's normal. But to TELL HER. To tell her he basically likes looking at her ass disgusts me.

Why would any man say something so inappropriate to their wife's friend knowing I was going to find out?
Why would my H say this to her and not care how it would destroy my self esteem?

3 comments posted: Monday, August 7th, 2023

" I never stopped wanting you"

Unfaithfuls always say to their spouse " I never stopped wanting you". It could be true or false. Only the WS knows.

What I know from experience and from other BSs is that it doesn't make a difference to say that to us because all we ever wanted was you and we hoped for the same in return.
Knowing your WS desired someone else and you "at the same time" ...feels degrading in a way. Just knowing kills KY self esteem. I understand we all feel attraction and we can all think someone is attractive but knowing they desired someone else so much that they risked it all makes us all feel worthless at times.

Knowing they wanted another cheapens everything. Makes it feel less special. And I'm not talking about fantasizing and what not. It's the fact that we are under the impression we are the only woman on their mind yet to find out they are cheaters. It cheapens the love you thought they had for you.

So it doesn't matter If you never stopped wanting me because now,......it means nothing!!!

5 comments posted: Saturday, July 29th, 2023

Lies after dday!

One of the worse things I have to deal with as a BS is the lies. Not only the lies about his A. But also I have caught my H is so many lies after. After watching me in so much pain and after telling him how badly lies hurt, he still lies. Even 2 and a half years after dday, I caught him in another lie. Mind you most of these lies are omissions. When I brought up how omissions are lies, my H actually said he didn't agree and I went off!!

It just really hurts that he knows the pain it will cause me and he still was selfish enough to lie many many times even after dday. I used to feel reconciliation was possible but today i feel like he will never change. His words say one thing and his actions any another.

What hurts the most is the fact that he would be okay with lying after seeing what it has done to me. I remember asking him how did he know he wouldn't lie to me anymore and he says " because I see the pain you are in and I don't want to do that to you ever again" ......even that was a lie.
What he really ment to say was "I will lie if its convenient for me and as long as you don't find out about it and I don't have to deal with consequences, I will continue to lie"

Knowing he will still lie as long he he thinks I will never know shows he's still a broken person. Only a broken person would hurt the person they say they love for the right price. Sickening!!

6 comments posted: Saturday, July 29th, 2023

Signs the relationship is damaged beyond repair.

I'm just curious of other people's opinions on this topic.

How would one know that they will never be able to forgive their spouse. How would one know that no matter how great their WS is now, the damage is just too much?

Also, How would one know if they are in false reconciliation?

12 comments posted: Friday, July 28th, 2023

Hanging out with Ap and Obs!

I have posted about this before and got really great responses. This particular situation gets me the most depressed when I think about it. My husband had an affair with his childhood friend's wife. At the time of the affair they were our neighbors as well. What kills me the most is thinking about all The Times we hung out with them which was almost daily. I do not know how often my husband and the affair partner talked over the 3 month affair but I did go back and look at all my husbands messages to the OBS. My husband and him message to each other every single day almost. My Husband did many favors for them. He pretended to be such a good friend to the OBS. I guess I just look back and think how could he talk to his friend and his friend's wife behind his friend's back all while pretending nothing was wrong. It makes me sick how easy it was for my husband it's been to pretend for 3 months while still being social with his friend and the affair partner. It makes me sick how he also after the same way with me. I look back and wonder if when we were all hanging out if they would look at each other and smile because they knew they had a little secret. I wonder if they enjoyed knowing they were doing this to us behind our backs. I have such a hard time with this because I cannot understand one bit how he was capable of this. I guess because prior to this my husband was seen by everyone as such a good man. I also seen him as such a good man. Many people said that he probably compartmentalized the affair but how can one do that if they are constantly around the AP and the people he is betraying. It's just really hard for me to understand the situation so if anyone has any insight on this please feel free to comment.

6 comments posted: Sunday, July 9th, 2023

BFs H told her that her vagina felt loose!

I felt I had to make a post about this. I am also going through infidelity but my best friend just had her dday with her H 2 weeks ago. I need advice to give her because I do not know what I would do in her situation.
On dday, when my BF and her H finally sat down to talk after the shock, she asked him why he was cheating. He first said he didn't think she loved him anymore and also said he thought she was cheating. She said she was shocked to hear that and asked how in the world did he come to that conclusion considering this is the first she's hearing of this from him. That's when he told her something that I don't think I would ever come back from.
Her H told her that the last few times they had sex before dday, HER VAGINA FELT LOOSER THAN NORMAL.
When she told me this, I cried for her. She was crushed.
Now, 2 weeks later, he's saying the complete opposite. He's saying her vagina feels amazing and that he was over thinking things at the time. So she asks him, " so you don't think it feels loose"? And he literally says, " at the time it did feel looser than normal and I thought it wa because you were cheating on me.
So basically, he says it did feel loose at the time but it doesn't feel like that now. How in the world can you be with someone for years and not know how their vahina feels?
I told her I think he was using that as an excuse to justify himself and she agrees but now her self esteem is crushed even worse than when dday happened.
He keeps reassuring her that sex feels great and she has nothing to worry about but the damage is done and she will never forget this. It will affect their sex life forever I feel.
My situation is bad also but I cant imagine being told this from my H.
What advice can I give my friend?

19 comments posted: Sunday, June 25th, 2023

How to make friends after a Double Betrayal!!

After a double betrayal, I feel I will never feel confident enough to make new friends. I will never feel comfortable bringing pretty woman into my life because of my disgusting H. This is one of the main reasons I want to leave. I wish I wasn't controlled by FEAR!

7 comments posted: Saturday, June 24th, 2023

Possible A?

So I'm here because my H had an A with his friends wife and he tried to have an A with my best friend.
But I recently found something that might indicate he may have had an A with a different friends wife.
I downloaded all his Facebook activity the other day and on Facebook you can "poke" people. Some people say it means just saying HI and most people say it's to show interest without sending an actual message.
He poked his other friends wife 2 year before dday.
And the reason I'm having a hard time with it is because my H poked 3 woman since he had Facebook...he poked his ex girlfriend before we started dating and he poked ME while we were dating. And now he poked his friends wife.
When I confronted him about it, he said he don't remember doing that and he was probably just saying hi.
I have a really hard time believing that. I don't believe it at all and every time I ask him about it, it's the same answer.
What is everyone's opinion on this situation?

9 comments posted: Friday, June 2nd, 2023

Sex 3 years after DDay

For the last 6 months, my H hasn't really been in the mood to have sex. It's been 2 months since we were last intimate and it worries me. He says it's because he's tired all the time ( he works in construction in the heat all day) , so I do try to believe him.
My issue is when DDAY came, and I asked him why he did it, one of the reasons was because "we didn't have sex". He actually told his AP we didn't have sex which was a complete lie. We might not have been having sex as much as we used to but we have far less sex now. The longest we went without sex before dday was 2 weeks and a few days. And the only reason we went that long was bc I was so tired from working all day and then going to school til 9pm which was hard on me.
Why would he lie to his AP?
Why is he now not interested in sex like ge used to be before the A?

5 comments posted: Friday, June 2nd, 2023

Attraction to AP

My H still swears he was never attracted to his AP. I find that extremely hard to believe considering she was our neighbor and he seen her everyday and they had sex once. Can anyone give their thoughts on this topic??

22 comments posted: Thursday, May 25th, 2023

Can someone help me make since of this mess?

So my H A was 3 years ago. A year and a half into "reconciliation", I found a screenshot on his phone that he accidentally took and didn't realize it that said "let me know if you can them", so I confronted him and asked him who he was talking to in this message since there wasn't a contact name. He answered me and said that he was talking to his friend Greg. So I immediately called Greg and asked him if my H talked to him today and to my suprise he says no. ( H was right there next to me when I made the call)

This is where things get crazy.

He immediately said it was someone else to which I did the same thing and called and again he lied. They didn't talk to my H at all that day. Then he said it was someone else and you can probably guess, I proved him to be a liar. So my H sat there and made 4 lies back to back. I kept asking for the truth to which he said it was some girl in his phone. I asked him who and he said he didn't know, just a random girl. Then he said something that blew me away. My H says to me that he left that there for me to see bc he was trying to sabotage the relationship bc he felt like he wasn't good enough for me. I knew this wasnt the truth bc he deleted the messages. If he was trying to make me think he was talking to someone then he would have left them for me to find. I asked him over and over again if he was finally telling the truth. He said yes. I cried and cried all night in front of him begging for the truth about the messages. Instead of telling the truth, he decided to go to sleep and let me wonder and cry all night. The next morning I asked if I he would tell the truth to which he said he did. I decided to go to Verizon and look at the messages. I went to a phone number look up site and that's when the truth came out. I found it that the number he was texting was his friend Greg's Gf!!! I was livid. When I showed him the proof I had, he finally admitted it. I called her and she said he texted her that day asking if she could get him some xanax and she said she tried for him but wasn't successful. But I also discovered that there were over 500 messages in one day and one day only between them. I asked them both and he said they were just talking about Greg and just catching up bc he hadn't talked to Greg or her in a year. This whole situation has my head so messed up.

Basically he was going to sabotage our relationship because he didn't want me to know who he was talking to. They both said it was nothing inappropriate. My H knew I didn't want him talking to ANY of his friends GFs. He deleted everything and I still don't know much of what they talked about.

How messed up does one have to be to lie 5 different times in the span of 10 mins then let his W that he says he loves, think he was Basically cheating again just so he didn't have to tell the truth about who he really was messaging. My brain is so confused that this all happened. He now says he freaked out and didn't know what to say so he lied bc he didn't want me to know he was trying to buy drugs. But I still don't like the fact that they messaged 500 messages back and forth that day. I also want to add that I found out that he "poked" this girl on Facebook 2 years before his A. He has no answer for that. He literally said he didnt know why he poked her. He has no answer for it. And in my experience, when someone "pokes" you on Facebook, it means they are trying to get your attention to show their interest in them. Today I feel like nothing to him. I feel that protecting himself and her from this was more important than telling me the truth. He watched me cry all night long and beg him over and over again for the truth but never gave it to me. I had to go find the truth myself. Can anyone tell me what they think of this situation and how to deal with this?

6 comments posted: Wednesday, April 19th, 2023

Socializing With AP Before I Knew.

My H had a 3 month A with his friends wife/our neighbor at the time. When I think back to before he was caught, I think of all the time we hung out with them. I've realized that while my H was cheating, he seemed to be hanging out with his AP AND HIS FRIEND more often. They would invite us over and he had no problem going. My H says he felt alot of guilt during his A yet it's hard to believe from my perspective. If I were cheating with my friends H, I would have an extremely hard time being around them knowing what I was doing. How could my H want to be around his own friend while cheating with his W and socialize like nothing. Why didn't he feel awkward? Did he like being around them knowing their little secret? How sick is that?

20 comments posted: Sunday, April 16th, 2023

How do waywards act normal during their As?

I always wonder how my H was able to act so normal during his A. His behavior never changed. His A was with out neighbor/his friends wife and even when we were all hanging out together, there still was never an indication that he was having an A. How are Waywards able to look into their spouses sees everyday knowing what they are doing? I think I'm even more confused than most because of the things my husband told me for years prior to his A. He always said, " I'm so afraid of being hurt bc I was hurt so badly by my ex gf" or " I'm always afraid you will leave bc I feel like you are too good for me". How could he do to us the obe thing he feared the most? He knew how destroyed I would be and did it anyway. How does one ever trust someone again after this?

11 comments posted: Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

Double Betrayal Waywards!!

WS only

0 comment posted: Sunday, May 29th, 2022

Why The Truth Is Important

I need some advice. What can I tell my WH is show him how badly I need full disclosure? I dont think he understands how important the truth really is. What can I say to inform him that the truth is thr only thing that will get us to R?

18 comments posted: Tuesday, May 17th, 2022

Permanent losses

What are some permanent losses you are grieving? What was the hardest thing to accept about yourself or your spouses infidelity? How were you able to build a happy life again after the loss of the exclusive sexual relationship? How were you able to feel confident again while knowing, for a period of time, you weren't the one that was constantly on your spouses mind? What are the hard/brutal truths about the loss infidelity causes?

33 comments posted: Saturday, May 14th, 2022

Wish I could forget what I seen!!

Dday was the day my life changed forever. That day I caught my H sexting his AP in the garage. He feel asleep( loaded on xanax) while texting her. As walked in to see what he was doing, I seen he was asleep and walked over to wake him when his phone got a message. I picked up his phone from his lap and my world literally crumbled. When I realized who he was texting ( my friend/neighbor. His friends wife), I felt even more shattered. The messages I seen were very graphic. They were very sexual. Today I struggle with trying to forget these messages. How do I stop letting these messages haunt me?

6 comments posted: Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

Compartmentalize or Monogamous Infidel?

My Hs A was with a friend/ neighbor. We both knew his AP and her H since we were kids. When the AP and her H moved next door to us, I never would have thought this would happen. Especially because my H always said how he hated how his AP acted before the A. Anyway, ny Hs A lasted 3 months. The day it became sexual was the day my H cut it off.( He says he felt gross after sex and didn't want to continue.)
I have did alot of reading about compartmentalizion and Monogamous infidels. I'm trying to figure out how my H was able to have an A right under my nose. We all used to hang out with each other so I cannot comprehend how he didn't feel guilty while in his A. How was my H able to be around me, his AP and her H ( his friend)? Did my H compartmentalize or did my H detach from me? It literally makes me sick how many times I think back to us all just hanging out and not knowing what was happening. How was it so easy for my H to not only betray me but also betray a childhood friend is his? How am I ever going to be able to respect him after this double betrayal?

3 comments posted: Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

Still waiting on full disclosure after 2 years

After 2 years, there so still so many things I don't know about my H affair. Most questions are answered with I DONT REMEMBER or I DONT KNOW.
For example, I still don't know how long his A truly lasted for. I still don't know how often they talked. I still don't know when they had sex. I still don't know how often they sexted. I still don't know anything they talked about. I still don't know how he acted so normal all while cheating with a neighbor/friend. I still have so many unanswered questions and I'm starting to believe I will never get answers. When I try to get answers, he either gets angry or says he doesn't want to talk or makes excuses for why he cannot give me the answers I need. I dont feel like I will ever heal.
My H also hasn't Don anything to dig deep, he doesn't ask about my pain. When he sees me in pain, he runs and avoids me and never ever brings it up later. Ypu avoids everything at all cost. He hasn't seen a counselor. He hasn't done any of the work. He won't even sit me with while I'm in pain. He has never once in 2 years comforted me while I was balling crying. He has never once initiated a conversation about his A. He doesn't ask me how I'm feeling on a daily. And every time I ask why he didn't read the book or the article, he says I JUST BEEN SO BUSY, I PROMISE TO DO IT SOON but never does. He's clueless about the real work its going to take to reconcile. He's clueless to the trauma I live with daily. He doesn't ever want to talk. He doesn't know how to talk. When I do get a chance to express my pain, I get nothing but SILENCE from him. Complete silence. I dont feel loved or even cared for. I keep holding on hoping to God something will change but after 2 years of no progress, I'm thinking it may be time to move on. I waited this long because I love my H so much and I wanted nothing more than to still be with him. He clearly doesn't see reconciliation as a gift. I have tried to get him to read, to talk, to see a counselor but he never seems to have the "time". It feels like a slap in the face every time I think of the effort he put into his A. He says he loves me but if he truly did love me, I would get even more effort than he gave her. I feel like my world is about to end and there's nothing I can do about it. Can someone please give me some advice because I'm so lost and numb. I need things to change now. I have suffered long enough. I deserve better.

9 comments posted: Wednesday, May 4th, 2022

What do I truly believe?

There are some things my H says that I have a hard time believing. He had a 3 month long A with his friends wife. The sexual texting was most of his A. The A finally got physical. That same day it got physical, he says he cut it off. These are some things he says that I don't believe..
He said that as soon as they finished having sex, he felt this disgusting feeling come over him. He said he regretted it in that moment. I dont believe him because a month after that is when I caught them texting again. I literally walked in and seen the messages on his phone. They haunt me to this day. He was telling her the sex was so good and he wanted her again yet today he says that it was all a lie. He says he didn't really want to have sex with her again at all. How am I supposed to believe that?
Another thing is he admitted to masturbation while thinking of her a her a few times. He said that as soon as he would finish, he would feel disgusted. If he felt disgusted with himself after that then why in the world would he go and actually do the real thing.
He also says that all the sexual things he said to her during the A were complete bull. He said that the words ment nothing. He said things like " I can't control it, I have to have you". How can he expect me to believe that he didn't find her irresistible if he was telling her those things. He says today that it was all like a game( whatever that means). I honestly feel like he ment everything he said at the time but he denies that.
Can anyone give me insight or help me understand?

17 comments posted: Thursday, April 21st, 2022

How did he act so normal? Compartmentalize?

It's been 2 years since Dday and I still struggle to understand some things. I have posted about this before but here I am still confused.

My H had a 3 month affair with his a friend of mine from childhood ( we weren't close but got closer in that last year because her H and her moved next door to us)
Her H was also my Hs childhood friend but we didn't really have much contact with them until they moved by us.
I think about the times we all hung out together during BBQs, or when my H would help him fix their car or when I would hang out with the AP and our kids. We seen them every single day. We were around them in some way all the time. I never once got any clues that anything was going on. Now I am always paranoid because they both were such good actors.

My question is How Could my H and the AP act so normal around us? Why didn't they feel awkward when we were all together? My H denies this but I truly think they enjoying keeping their little secret. I truly think they both enjoying knowing they were getting away with betrayal. How can I ever trust him again? How can I ever have friends again? How do I trust my own perception again? I hate my life now. I hate the mistrust and paranoia I feel.

How do I know what the truth is to those questions?

3 comments posted: Tuesday, April 19th, 2022

Questions to ask my WH

WS only

1 comment posted: Saturday, January 8th, 2022

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