Newest Member: Tortex

Livingingrief

H still has the same excuse

2 years ago I found out my husband texted my best friend some inappropriate things. Basically she was over and then when she left, he texted her "you better stop coming over here with those shorts. That damn ass is going to get me in trouble "
To say I was shocked would be an understatement. My H is the sweet nice quiet man who has never disrespected me or another woman that way. It was so out of character for him that and I was in denial for months about it. Still. 2 years later I still get the same excuses.
" it was a joke"
" I wasn't trying to flirt with her"
"I didn't expect anything from it"
" I thought it was funny until she said OMG and then I felt stupid "

If it was a joke, he would have told me about it. The part that gets me the mist is, for out entire relationship he would tell me how her butt looks funny because of how it's shaped yet he felt the need to tell her how good it looks. Now I dont know what to believe. I have tried time and time again to get him to admit his motivations and his expectations of sending those messages but we always just end up fighting because he uses the same bullshit excuses over and over again. I know I will never be able to forgive and let go when I don't even know the truth. Not only did he make my best friend feel uncomfortable but he made me feel so insecure about myself also.
Do any of you have an opinion on why he sent those disgusting messages to my friend. It hurts like a double betrayal!!

23 comments posted: Friday, July 8th, 2022

Double Betrayal Waywards!!

WS only

0 comment posted: Sunday, May 29th, 2022

Humiliation

Being a BS, one of the worst things about being betrayed is the humiliation you feel. That humiliation cause pain like no other. Sometimes that pain makes me want to get revenge and humiliate him as bad as I was or sometimes it makes me want to crawl under a rock because my self esteem gets the best of me and I feel like everyone looks at me like it was somehow my fault ( I know it wasn't my fault) or sometimes that pain makes me have days of constant grief because you will always have the knowledge that the person you trusted with your very soul ripped it out while bragging about it. This pain makes me feel so many bad feelings.
One sad realization is that even if you R and trust your spouse again someday, there will always be that hint of doubt in the back of your mind. Some say that blind trust isn't a smart move but still, I miss that peace of never doubting. I miss when my mind automatically believed in him and I knew he had my back before anyone. I grieve so much for the peace. I wonder if it ever comes back? :(

12 comments posted: Friday, May 27th, 2022

Caught vs Confessed

Tell me everything I should know about this subject!!!

28 comments posted: Saturday, May 21st, 2022

Why The Truth Is Important

I need some advice. What can I tell my WH is show him how badly I need full disclosure? I dont think he understands how important the truth really is. What can I say to inform him that the truth is thr only thing that will get us to R?

18 comments posted: Tuesday, May 17th, 2022

Permanent losses

What are some permanent losses you are grieving? What was the hardest thing to accept about yourself or your spouses infidelity? How were you able to build a happy life again after the loss of the exclusive sexual relationship? How were you able to feel confident again while knowing, for a period of time, you weren't the one that was constantly on your spouses mind? What are the hard/brutal truths about the loss infidelity causes?

33 comments posted: Saturday, May 14th, 2022

How do most As start?

Since my H doesn't "remember " how his A started, I wonder if any of you can tell me about them. My Hs A was 3 months. He can't tell me when it started. He can't tell me how it went from platonic to lovers. He can't tell me how often they talked. He can't describe how he felt during his A. I know very little about the extent of his A. I have begged for the truth to these questions. He doesn't remember or he don't know. I don't believe him and I am loosing hope that I will ever know the full truth of his A.

36 comments posted: Friday, May 13th, 2022

Loss of Innocence

As a BS, I know how hard it is to accept that your spouse shared something that was only ment for the two of you. I know how hard it is to accept that I will never able to say my H has only been with me. That loss, for me, was one of the worst parts of infidelity.
Can any WSs explain why don't yall have the same loss? Why didn't it hurt to take away the purity of the M? Sex was just sex while cheating so does that mean that sex just sex with your BS as well? Why didn't you see sex as something sacred?

12 comments posted: Thursday, May 12th, 2022

Wish I could forget what I seen!!

Dday was the day my life changed forever. That day I caught my H sexting his AP in the garage. He feel asleep( loaded on xanax) while texting her. As walked in to see what he was doing, I seen he was asleep and walked over to wake him when his phone got a message. I picked up his phone from his lap and my world literally crumbled. When I realized who he was texting ( my friend/neighbor. His friends wife), I felt even more shattered. The messages I seen were very graphic. They were very sexual. Today I struggle with trying to forget these messages. How do I stop letting these messages haunt me?

6 comments posted: Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

Compartmentalize or Monogamous Infidel?

My Hs A was with a friend/ neighbor. We both knew his AP and her H since we were kids. When the AP and her H moved next door to us, I never would have thought this would happen. Especially because my H always said how he hated how his AP acted before the A. Anyway, ny Hs A lasted 3 months. The day it became sexual was the day my H cut it off.( He says he felt gross after sex and didn't want to continue.)
I have did alot of reading about compartmentalizion and Monogamous infidels. I'm trying to figure out how my H was able to have an A right under my nose. We all used to hang out with each other so I cannot comprehend how he didn't feel guilty while in his A. How was my H able to be around me, his AP and her H ( his friend)? Did my H compartmentalize or did my H detach from me? It literally makes me sick how many times I think back to us all just hanging out and not knowing what was happening. How was it so easy for my H to not only betray me but also betray a childhood friend is his? How am I ever going to be able to respect him after this double betrayal?

3 comments posted: Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

Before you were caught?

Wayward,

This question is for the WSs that were caught instead of confessing.
What changed immediately after being caught?
How did your thinking change after DDay?
Did your spouses feelings even matter to you before you were caught?

4 comments posted: Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

Still waiting on full disclosure after 2 years

After 2 years, there so still so many things I don't know about my H affair. Most questions are answered with I DONT REMEMBER or I DONT KNOW.
For example, I still don't know how long his A truly lasted for. I still don't know how often they talked. I still don't know when they had sex. I still don't know how often they sexted. I still don't know anything they talked about. I still don't know how he acted so normal all while cheating with a neighbor/friend. I still have so many unanswered questions and I'm starting to believe I will never get answers. When I try to get answers, he either gets angry or says he doesn't want to talk or makes excuses for why he cannot give me the answers I need. I dont feel like I will ever heal.
My H also hasn't Don anything to dig deep, he doesn't ask about my pain. When he sees me in pain, he runs and avoids me and never ever brings it up later. Ypu avoids everything at all cost. He hasn't seen a counselor. He hasn't done any of the work. He won't even sit me with while I'm in pain. He has never once in 2 years comforted me while I was balling crying. He has never once initiated a conversation about his A. He doesn't ask me how I'm feeling on a daily. And every time I ask why he didn't read the book or the article, he says I JUST BEEN SO BUSY, I PROMISE TO DO IT SOON but never does. He's clueless about the real work its going to take to reconcile. He's clueless to the trauma I live with daily. He doesn't ever want to talk. He doesn't know how to talk. When I do get a chance to express my pain, I get nothing but SILENCE from him. Complete silence. I dont feel loved or even cared for. I keep holding on hoping to God something will change but after 2 years of no progress, I'm thinking it may be time to move on. I waited this long because I love my H so much and I wanted nothing more than to still be with him. He clearly doesn't see reconciliation as a gift. I have tried to get him to read, to talk, to see a counselor but he never seems to have the "time". It feels like a slap in the face every time I think of the effort he put into his A. He says he loves me but if he truly did love me, I would get even more effort than he gave her. I feel like my world is about to end and there's nothing I can do about it. Can someone please give me some advice because I'm so lost and numb. I need things to change now. I have suffered long enough. I deserve better.

9 comments posted: Wednesday, May 4th, 2022

My WH will not be honest

How do I get my H to be completely transparent about his A? He has left so many things out and I just can't live not knowing the truth. Even after giving him a safe space to open up and even after reassuring him that I will not leave for his honestly, he still is just too afraid to open up. Maybe due to shame or maybe due to him trying to control the outcome. Either way, I need the entire truth but I am just not getting it and we are 2 years from dday. We don't even talk much about his A because he shuts down or becomes angry. Even when I tell him I can't move on without knowing everything, he just sits there like he doesn't know what to say. When I press for answers to shameful questions, most answers are I DONT KNOW or I DONT REMEMBER. I just wish he could be brave enough to just be completely brutally honest. I ruminate about what I dont know so much that it has taken over my life but him seeing that doesn't change anything. I just wish I knew the whole truth so I can process it, accept it and try to move on!

18 comments posted: Wednesday, May 4th, 2022

What do I truly believe?

There are some things my H says that I have a hard time believing. He had a 3 month long A with his friends wife. The sexual texting was most of his A. The A finally got physical. That same day it got physical, he says he cut it off. These are some things he says that I don't believe..
He said that as soon as they finished having sex, he felt this disgusting feeling come over him. He said he regretted it in that moment. I dont believe him because a month after that is when I caught them texting again. I literally walked in and seen the messages on his phone. They haunt me to this day. He was telling her the sex was so good and he wanted her again yet today he says that it was all a lie. He says he didn't really want to have sex with her again at all. How am I supposed to believe that?
Another thing is he admitted to masturbation while thinking of her a her a few times. He said that as soon as he would finish, he would feel disgusted. If he felt disgusted with himself after that then why in the world would he go and actually do the real thing.
He also says that all the sexual things he said to her during the A were complete bull. He said that the words ment nothing. He said things like " I can't control it, I have to have you". How can he expect me to believe that he didn't find her irresistible if he was telling her those things. He says today that it was all like a game( whatever that means). I honestly feel like he ment everything he said at the time but he denies that.
Can anyone give me insight or help me understand?

17 comments posted: Thursday, April 21st, 2022

Why do waywards cheat with no intention of leaving?

Wayward or Betrayed,

Why is it that people cheat on their spouses and also claim that the entire time that they never ever intended on leaving their spouses?

23 comments posted: Wednesday, April 20th, 2022

Did you feel guilt during the A?

Did any wayward feel guilty at all during the A?
When did the guilt start if any at all?
How can I tell if my WH was feeling guilt during his A?
What are the signs of true remorse after the A?

5 comments posted: Tuesday, April 19th, 2022

How did he act so normal? Compartmentalize?

It's been 2 years since Dday and I still struggle to understand some things. I have posted about this before but here I am still confused.

My H had a 3 month affair with his a friend of mine from childhood ( we weren't close but got closer in that last year because her H and her moved next door to us)
Her H was also my Hs childhood friend but we didn't really have much contact with them until they moved by us.
I think about the times we all hung out together during BBQs, or when my H would help him fix their car or when I would hang out with the AP and our kids. We seen them every single day. We were around them in some way all the time. I never once got any clues that anything was going on. Now I am always paranoid because they both were such good actors.

My question is How Could my H and the AP act so normal around us? Why didn't they feel awkward when we were all together? My H denies this but I truly think they enjoying keeping their little secret. I truly think they both enjoying knowing they were getting away with betrayal. How can I ever trust him again? How can I ever have friends again? How do I trust my own perception again? I hate my life now. I hate the mistrust and paranoia I feel.

How do I know what the truth is to those questions?

3 comments posted: Tuesday, April 19th, 2022

How did he act so normal?

It's been 2 years since Dday and I still struggle to understand some things. I have posted about this before but here I am still confused.

My H had a 3 month affair with his a friend of mine from childhood ( we weren't close but got closer in that last year because her H and her moved next door to us)
Her H was also my Hs childhood friend but we didn't really have much contact with them until they moved by us.
I think about the times we all hung out together during BBQs, or when my H would help him fix their car or when I would hang out with the AP and our kids. We seen them every single day. We were around them in some way all the time. I never once got any clues that anything was going on. Now I am always paranoid because they both were such good actors.

My question is How Could my H and the AP act so normal around us? Why didn't they feel awkward when we were all together? My H denies this but I truly think they enjoying keeping their little secret. I truly think they both enjoying knowing they were getting away with betrayal. How can I ever trust him again? How can I ever have friends again? How do I trust my own perception again? I hate my life now. I hate the mistrust and paranoia I feel.

How do I know what the truth is to those questions?

1 comment posted: Sunday, April 10th, 2022

H flirting with best friend!!

We are almost 2 years from dday. My best friend came to me last week and showed me some messages that my H and her sent back and forth. These messages were sent 6 months before he started his affair ( best friend was not the AP).

My H is minimizing what he said to my beat friend. It hurts so bad what he said to her. She came over the day that day and then when she left, my H was sitting out front. She told him bye and that was it. 20 mins later she gets a message from him. This was the conversation.

H: You better stop coming over here with those shorts on. Lol
BF: huh? What's wrong with my shorts? They aren't short or anything?
H: They don't have to be short. That damn ass you got is going to get me in trouble. Lol
Bf: WOW!

Once she said WOW, he didn't message her again.

He says he was joking, but to me ...this is not funny. She was my closest friend but she now she isn't because she waited 2 years to tell me about these messages. My H literally told me that this is no big deal. I asked him if he was flirting with her hoping she would flirting back. But he also denies that.

So I wanted to ask everyone opinion on this matter?
Do yall think he was trying to start an affair with her by testing the waters? ( considering he had an affair a few months after this)
Do yall think he would have actually had an affair with my closest friend if she would have played along?


For some reason this is just as bad as his affair because she was my best friend. It hurts so bad!!!! Opinions please???

24 comments posted: Tuesday, March 15th, 2022

Husband " Cant Remember " details

My H was taking xanax during his A so he claims he cannot remember alot of things. I have told him I cannot move on without these answers but he continues to swear he doesn't have the answers. After almost 2 years since DDay, I still don't know when the A started. I still don't know exactly how long the A was for. I still don't know who truly was the first one to show the other they were interested. I don't know how often they talked or when he even had the time to talk to her because we were always together. I still don't know when the sex took place ( which he only happened once he says). I still dont know how he felt during his A either. I still don't know alot and I can't move on without these answers. Basically I don't know his A story. I don't know the reality of it all. I don't know what really happened between them because every one of these questions is answered with " I DONT KNOW"

5 comments posted: Sunday, January 30th, 2022

Did my H feel shame during his A

My H had a 2 month Ling affair with a neighbor who was also a friend of mine and his childhood friends wife. We are 1 year from DDay and we are still both very broken. He doesn't like to talk about it at all. I cant ever get him to talk because he says he causes him to feel very ashamed and uncomfortable. Why did he feel ashamed and uncomfortable during the A? Why didn't he feel uncomfortable all the times we hung out together outside while he was in the middle of the A? Why is the shame only there now that I know about it?

2 comments posted: Sunday, January 30th, 2022

The Why of the A

My WHs WHY is-
1. The amount of sex wasn't to his liking ( never told Mr anything about this ever)
2. He felt unloved and like I wasn't attracted to him anymore.
This is confusing to me because I have the opposite of his memories. We definitely had sex ( the sec did decrease a little bit because of his xanax use which I told him many may times had to stop and how unhappy it made me) and I never knew he felt unloved. He didn't act resentful towards me or anything. I was blindsided by his infidelity because I thought everything was fine. But my memories and his memories aren't the same. I KNOW we had sex....sec.... KNOW o showed love towards him. He'll, he was even cheating while on vacation.How do you R when his WHYS don't make sense when I look back at the past?

13 comments posted: Friday, January 28th, 2022

Feeling Dirty

How do I stop feeling dirty during sex with my WH? And I wonder how he could have sex with his AP and then come have sex with me and not feel dirty himself?

11 comments posted: Thursday, January 27th, 2022

Double Betrayal

How do you respect your WH after a double betrayal. The other couple was both our childhood friends that lived next door. My WH spent years telling me how scared he was to be hurt again because he was betrayed in his last relationship. How does one go from being the BS to the WS? How could he do this to us knowing the damage it causes because he still lives with trust issues from that previous betrayal still. It's hard to accept that!

4 comments posted: Thursday, January 27th, 2022

Crazy AP

My WH AP was a nut! They lived next door to us and so for 3 months after Dday, I had to see her and every time I did see her, she insulted me by saying things like " you just mad that your man wanted me" ...she bragged to other people that she got him to cheat on me for the first time but then turned around and told me he was cheating with other people. This woman is disgusting and I am glad she is gone but it still hurts considering she was my childhood friend and her husband was my WH childhood friend. This all makes me so sick!!

6 comments posted: Thursday, January 27th, 2022

Compartmentalize the A

How did my H compartmentalize the A if it was with a friend of mine that lived next door. We hung out with them alot if seen her almost every day. How can you separate the A in the mind if you are constantly around both your spouse and AP?

17 comments posted: Friday, January 14th, 2022

Is my WH lying about his guilt??

I need someone to help me understand this. My H AP was our neighbor and her and her husband were out friends. We would see them everyday. We would sometimes hang out with them as well. My H would talk to her husband frequently about common interests. My H had a 2 month A before cutting it off himself. My H swears he always felt awkward around them during the A but I have a difficult time believing this because he was always in contact with her husband and we would always go hang with them. If he felt guilt about it or if he felt awkward being around them, why would he continue to put himself around them. There were many times we were all together while he was in his A. Looking back, it didn't look like he felt awkward one bit. I dont know what to believe because his actions at the time tell me one thing but my H tells me another. Most people do not have to see their AP with their spouse everyday ( together hanging out or even at separate times but at the same location). How did he feel guilt for all it or how did he compartmentalize the A if the AP was always around and he had to be reminded of what he was doing on a daily basis. This is all so confusing to me. Can someone please shed some light on my situation?

0 comment posted: Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Did my WH actually feel guilt or awkwardness in this situation?

Wayward Spouses,


I need someone to help me understand this. My H AP was our neighbor and her and her husband were out friends. We would see them everyday. We would sometimes hang out with them as well. My H would talk to her husband frequently about common interests. My H had a 2 month A before cutting it off himself. My H swears he always felt awkward around them during the A but I have a difficult time believing this because he was always in contact with her husband and we would always go hang with them. If he felt guilt about it or if he felt awkward being around them, why would he continue to put himself around them. There were many times we were all together while he was in his A. Looking back, it didn't look like he felt awkward one bit. I dont know what to believe because his actions at the time tell me one thing but my H tells me another. Most people do not have to see their AP with their spouse everyday ( together hanging out or even at separate times but at the same location). How did he feel guilt for all it or how did he compartmentalize the A if the AP was always around and he had to be reminded of what he was doing on a daily basis. This is all so confusing to me. Can someone please shed some light on my situation?

6 comments posted: Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Cake Eater?

My WH swears on everything that he never wanted to knave me. He says he never even thought about leaving me. What do you call it when you WH never planned to leave you but still wanted the sex with their AP?

21 comments posted: Monday, January 10th, 2022

Did my WH really believe this?

My WH has told me since dday that one of the excuses/justifications/reasons he made the choice to cheat was because he thought I was cheating already. In his mind, if he cheated then it wouldn't hurt as bad when he found out I cheated too. How can someone actually believe that?

9 comments posted: Sunday, January 9th, 2022

Questions to ask WH

What are the most important questions to ask your WS?
How do they make a timeliness?

6 comments posted: Saturday, January 8th, 2022

Will I ever feel special again?

How do you feel special to the person you love most after infidelity? How do you move on when the life you had was the one you wanted? How do you actually move on and have happiness after much selfishness???

13 comments posted: Saturday, January 8th, 2022

Questions to ask my WH

WS only

1 comment posted: Saturday, January 8th, 2022

Husbands excuse for A

My husband says it all comes down to his self esteem. He was always very insecure. Even at the beginning of the relationship, he would always tell me how he feels like he's not good enough for me and he worries that one day I will leave him. He realizes now that he used sex to feel loved. My husband and his 4 sisters was all sexually abused by his father.( his father is serving life in prison). This may play a part in his self esteem. He said the AP was our neighbor. She started texting him how he's such a hard worker( he works outside alot and does so much) and that she wishes her man wasn't lazy. He says that this made him feel good. He says that he liked the attention and never once did the thought of leaving me come to his mind while texting and sexting her. He says he didn't think I was attracted to him anymore and that I didn't love him anymore. He says he thought it was only a matter of time before I was leaving him. Yet not once did he ask me if I felt this way or expressed how he was feeling. At the time he was using xanax alot for about a year and I begged him so many times to stop. I told him how disgusting he looked while on xanax. I even threatened to leave if he didn't stop( which he says he cabt remember). This caused me to become distant. He knew full well I was unhappy because if the xanax use. How is it that he knew I was unhappy with the xanax use,( which was causing me to pull away) and still uses that as an excuse for why he felt I was not in love with him anymore. I never once said I wasn't in love with him. I always shared my feelings ( which he never did). He caused the conditions that made me pull away( yet the entire year of his xanax use I told him I hated it and it needed to stop). In all, his drug use caused the rift in our relationship but he still says he didn't know why I was distant( which he full well knew in my eyes. I made it very very clear many many times). So he basically cheated because of my unhappiness THAT HE CAUSED. How does that make sense?

10 comments posted: Saturday, January 1st, 2022

He cant remember

My husband says he can't give me a clear time-line. He was using xanax for the entire affair and he says he really can't remember most if it. He can't remember how often they texted each other. ( they mostly texted and then when they had sex, he says as soon as he finished, he felt disgusted and told her I will never do this again) He cut off the affair for an entire a month then the night he was caught I noticed he was messed up again on xanax. And I caught them texting again that night. I checked the text message logs so I know he's telling the truth about cutting it off until the night he was caught. I just wish he could remember because I feel I can't heal without that. How do you actually heal and accept what happened if you will never know all the details?

12 comments posted: Saturday, January 1st, 2022

Did he even think about anything?

My H AF was our neighbor and my friend(not a close friend). But the worst part is that her husband was my husbands friend since they were kids. They weren't really close but they knew each other for a long time. They moved next door to use about a year before the A. They had a 2 month long A which he cut off the day it got physical( phone records confirm this to be true) because of how disgusting he felt. Before, during and after the A we would go hang out with them accasionally and my H helped her H fix their car too. How did he not think about how bad this would be? How did he not think about how awkward it would be when he were around them after it was over? How did he act as if nothing was happening while around them? It's like he was living day to day without even a thought about the future or about what this would do to me or our children. I cant look at him the same anymore. I use the tell everyone how I found a good man and now I dont have the view of him. I am trying to forgive but I get so angry when I think about the cheer deception of it all and I wonder if they got off on having their little secret. This all makes so sick!!!

2 comments posted: Friday, December 31st, 2021

Husbands affair with a friend

How does one actually get past the fact that the affair partner was a friend. When I look back and remember all thr times we all hung out together not knowing they were having an affair, it makes me feel sick. Did they get off on my humiliation? Did their little secret make them feel good? My spouse says he felt guilty and felt awkward when around the affair partner and her husband yet he was putting himself in that exact situation. He helped her husband fix his car, gave them rides etc. How can I get past this very confusing part of the affair? How to you actually accept that they enjoyed the power of their secret?

6 comments posted: Thursday, December 30th, 2021

How do I get past this?

I am a betrayed spouse. We are 18 months post D day. I have been with my spouse for 7 years now. I still can't seem to forgive. Here's my situation. About 3 years ago my spouse started taking xanax. After begging him yo stop, telling him how Gross he looked when taking them for a year straight, I stopped trying to make him happy. He didn't seem to care that this was hurting me so we stopped talking, stopped having sex and I stopped caring. I still wanted to be with him but I didn't know how to get him to stop taking xanax. He noticed I was being distant and pulling away. I thought he knew why I was unhappy because I told him many may times to stop taking xanax. Fast forward a few months and a couple we were friends with from years ago that we haven't talked to much in years moved into the apartment next door to us. To make a long story short, he ended up having a 2 month emotional affair with a girl I thought was my friend. The affair partners spouse was my spouses friend since childhood so it never occurred to me that she would be a threat. Mind you, our whole relationship he told me how afraid he was of being cheated on because his last girlfriend cheated on him and left him. My spouse was the sweetest man I knew. He was always kind and caring. He grew up with 4 sisters and his mom. No dad. He knew how to treat a women for sure. After I caught him texting her, he told me that they started talking in early February. That lasted til the end of March when they finally ended up having sex. He said that the sex was really bad and awkward. He says that he cut off contact after that and didn't talk to her for a month. He took xanax one night and I caught him texting her after a month of no contact. The part that I can't get past is that we were all friends. We all hung out together. They knew what they were doing eve while hanging out with us. How can my spouse do this? He says he felt guilty when hanging out around them but yet we constantly were around them. It makes me sick thinking they had their little secret and they got off on my humiliation. The affair partner and her spouse moved away 2 months after Dday but I cant seem to forgive him. What kind of person sleeps with their childhood friends girlfriend? What kind of person sleeps with their spouses friend? They were very close friends but they lived next-door for almost a year. I dont know what to believe anymore. He says he felt guilt but I cant believe that. I'm more confused than ever. I need help!!!!

20 comments posted: Wednesday, December 29th, 2021

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