Newest Member: Abigail22

Livingingrief

Hs lies about guilt and awkwardness during his A!!

I have spoken of this before but for some reason I just can't stop thinking about this. My Hs A was with our neighbor/his childhood friends wife. When we talk about his A, he says how he felt alot of guilt and awkwardness during the A, specificly when he was around his AP and his friend/her H. We would see them/hang out with them almost daily. I remember a specific time when we were all together that I keep thinking about. At the time of the A, my husband used to smoke weed. His A partner and her H would invite him to come over to smoke with them frequently. I usually didn't go with him bc I don't smoke. I did however go with him one time during his A but never noticed anything out of the ordinary. He definitely could have just pretended to act normal while with them. He also used to help his friend/ AP H fixing his car and other things.

My question is.. IF HE TRULY FELT GUILT AND AWKWARDNESS WHILE WITH THEM, WHYYY WOULD HE TAKE UP INVITES TO GO OVER THERE? WHY WOULD HE NOT TRY HIS HARDEST TO STAY AWAY FROM THEM BOTH?

How can I ever believe he felt awkward and guilt when he was around them when he was always putting himself in the position to be in their presence? I wish I could believe him yet I dont. What I truly believe is he enjoyed being around them while they held their little secret from us. I truly believe he had no problem being around them. I try to put myself in his shoes but I know I would never be able to be hanging out with my H and the guy I'm cheating with and his wife/AP and act like nothing is wrong.

How can my H or any cheater not feel awkwardness or nervous or guilt while we all were together. It's sick and I cant understand. Opinions????

4 comments posted: Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

Hs AP is such a terrible person

My H AP was not only my friend but also she is my Hs childhood friends wife. Disgusting, I know. I thought she was a good person until now. I look back and remember how She used to complain about how lazy her H was and how she wished her H was like mine. ( first red flag). She went after him knowing she would destroy 2 families but it was no issue to her since she thought she would get what she selfishly wanted.
It wasn't until after I talked to my H about the A that I realized how sick she really is. Example- Before their A turned to sex talk, she asked my H if he ever cheated on me before to which he said never. That's when the sex talk started. She told him many times that she feels special because she's the one who got him to cheat on him beautiful gf. ( she knows I am better looking and more successful). How sick do you have to be to take pleasure is that? She felt like she had some kind of control over him and she loved it. She thought wrong obviously. I just wish I knew how wrong I was about her character.

2 comments posted: Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

How do waywards act normal during their As?

I always wonder how my H was able to act so normal during his A. His behavior never changed. His A was with out neighbor/his friends wife and even when we were all hanging out together, there still was never an indication that he was having an A. How are Waywards able to look into their spouses sees everyday knowing what they are doing? I think I'm even more confused than most because of the things my husband told me for years prior to his A. He always said, " I'm so afraid of being hurt bc I was hurt so badly by my ex gf" or " I'm always afraid you will leave bc I feel like you are too good for me". How could he do to us the obe thing he feared the most? He knew how destroyed I would be and did it anyway. How does one ever trust someone again after this?

11 comments posted: Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

H still has the same excuse

2 years ago I found out my husband texted my best friend some inappropriate things. Basically she was over and then when she left, he texted her "you better stop coming over here with those shorts. That damn ass is going to get me in trouble "
To say I was shocked would be an understatement. My H is the sweet nice quiet man who has never disrespected me or another woman that way. It was so out of character for him that and I was in denial for months about it. Still. 2 years later I still get the same excuses.
" it was a joke"
" I wasn't trying to flirt with her"
"I didn't expect anything from it"
" I thought it was funny until she said OMG and then I felt stupid "

If it was a joke, he would have told me about it. The part that gets me the mist is, for out entire relationship he would tell me how her butt looks funny because of how it's shaped yet he felt the need to tell her how good it looks. Now I dont know what to believe. I have tried time and time again to get him to admit his motivations and his expectations of sending those messages but we always just end up fighting because he uses the same bullshit excuses over and over again. I know I will never be able to forgive and let go when I don't even know the truth. Not only did he make my best friend feel uncomfortable but he made me feel so insecure about myself also.
Do any of you have an opinion on why he sent those disgusting messages to my friend. It hurts like a double betrayal!!

23 comments posted: Friday, July 8th, 2022

Double Betrayal Waywards!!

WS only

0 comment posted: Sunday, May 29th, 2022

Humiliation

Being a BS, one of the worst things about being betrayed is the humiliation you feel. That humiliation cause pain like no other. Sometimes that pain makes me want to get revenge and humiliate him as bad as I was or sometimes it makes me want to crawl under a rock because my self esteem gets the best of me and I feel like everyone looks at me like it was somehow my fault ( I know it wasn't my fault) or sometimes that pain makes me have days of constant grief because you will always have the knowledge that the person you trusted with your very soul ripped it out while bragging about it. This pain makes me feel so many bad feelings.
One sad realization is that even if you R and trust your spouse again someday, there will always be that hint of doubt in the back of your mind. Some say that blind trust isn't a smart move but still, I miss that peace of never doubting. I miss when my mind automatically believed in him and I knew he had my back before anyone. I grieve so much for the peace. I wonder if it ever comes back? :(

12 comments posted: Friday, May 27th, 2022

Caught vs Confessed

Tell me everything I should know about this subject!!!

28 comments posted: Saturday, May 21st, 2022

Why The Truth Is Important

I need some advice. What can I tell my WH is show him how badly I need full disclosure? I dont think he understands how important the truth really is. What can I say to inform him that the truth is thr only thing that will get us to R?

18 comments posted: Tuesday, May 17th, 2022

Permanent losses

What are some permanent losses you are grieving? What was the hardest thing to accept about yourself or your spouses infidelity? How were you able to build a happy life again after the loss of the exclusive sexual relationship? How were you able to feel confident again while knowing, for a period of time, you weren't the one that was constantly on your spouses mind? What are the hard/brutal truths about the loss infidelity causes?

33 comments posted: Saturday, May 14th, 2022

How do most As start?

Since my H doesn't "remember " how his A started, I wonder if any of you can tell me about them. My Hs A was 3 months. He can't tell me when it started. He can't tell me how it went from platonic to lovers. He can't tell me how often they talked. He can't describe how he felt during his A. I know very little about the extent of his A. I have begged for the truth to these questions. He doesn't remember or he don't know. I don't believe him and I am loosing hope that I will ever know the full truth of his A.

36 comments posted: Friday, May 13th, 2022

Loss of Innocence

As a BS, I know how hard it is to accept that your spouse shared something that was only ment for the two of you. I know how hard it is to accept that I will never able to say my H has only been with me. That loss, for me, was one of the worst parts of infidelity.
Can any WSs explain why don't yall have the same loss? Why didn't it hurt to take away the purity of the M? Sex was just sex while cheating so does that mean that sex just sex with your BS as well? Why didn't you see sex as something sacred?

12 comments posted: Thursday, May 12th, 2022

Wish I could forget what I seen!!

Dday was the day my life changed forever. That day I caught my H sexting his AP in the garage. He feel asleep( loaded on xanax) while texting her. As walked in to see what he was doing, I seen he was asleep and walked over to wake him when his phone got a message. I picked up his phone from his lap and my world literally crumbled. When I realized who he was texting ( my friend/neighbor. His friends wife), I felt even more shattered. The messages I seen were very graphic. They were very sexual. Today I struggle with trying to forget these messages. How do I stop letting these messages haunt me?

6 comments posted: Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

Compartmentalize or Monogamous Infidel?

My Hs A was with a friend/ neighbor. We both knew his AP and her H since we were kids. When the AP and her H moved next door to us, I never would have thought this would happen. Especially because my H always said how he hated how his AP acted before the A. Anyway, ny Hs A lasted 3 months. The day it became sexual was the day my H cut it off.( He says he felt gross after sex and didn't want to continue.)
I have did alot of reading about compartmentalizion and Monogamous infidels. I'm trying to figure out how my H was able to have an A right under my nose. We all used to hang out with each other so I cannot comprehend how he didn't feel guilty while in his A. How was my H able to be around me, his AP and her H ( his friend)? Did my H compartmentalize or did my H detach from me? It literally makes me sick how many times I think back to us all just hanging out and not knowing what was happening. How was it so easy for my H to not only betray me but also betray a childhood friend is his? How am I ever going to be able to respect him after this double betrayal?

3 comments posted: Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

Before you were caught?

Wayward,

This question is for the WSs that were caught instead of confessing.
What changed immediately after being caught?
How did your thinking change after DDay?
Did your spouses feelings even matter to you before you were caught?

4 comments posted: Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

Still waiting on full disclosure after 2 years

After 2 years, there so still so many things I don't know about my H affair. Most questions are answered with I DONT REMEMBER or I DONT KNOW.
For example, I still don't know how long his A truly lasted for. I still don't know how often they talked. I still don't know when they had sex. I still don't know how often they sexted. I still don't know anything they talked about. I still don't know how he acted so normal all while cheating with a neighbor/friend. I still have so many unanswered questions and I'm starting to believe I will never get answers. When I try to get answers, he either gets angry or says he doesn't want to talk or makes excuses for why he cannot give me the answers I need. I dont feel like I will ever heal.
My H also hasn't Don anything to dig deep, he doesn't ask about my pain. When he sees me in pain, he runs and avoids me and never ever brings it up later. Ypu avoids everything at all cost. He hasn't seen a counselor. He hasn't done any of the work. He won't even sit me with while I'm in pain. He has never once in 2 years comforted me while I was balling crying. He has never once initiated a conversation about his A. He doesn't ask me how I'm feeling on a daily. And every time I ask why he didn't read the book or the article, he says I JUST BEEN SO BUSY, I PROMISE TO DO IT SOON but never does. He's clueless about the real work its going to take to reconcile. He's clueless to the trauma I live with daily. He doesn't ever want to talk. He doesn't know how to talk. When I do get a chance to express my pain, I get nothing but SILENCE from him. Complete silence. I dont feel loved or even cared for. I keep holding on hoping to God something will change but after 2 years of no progress, I'm thinking it may be time to move on. I waited this long because I love my H so much and I wanted nothing more than to still be with him. He clearly doesn't see reconciliation as a gift. I have tried to get him to read, to talk, to see a counselor but he never seems to have the "time". It feels like a slap in the face every time I think of the effort he put into his A. He says he loves me but if he truly did love me, I would get even more effort than he gave her. I feel like my world is about to end and there's nothing I can do about it. Can someone please give me some advice because I'm so lost and numb. I need things to change now. I have suffered long enough. I deserve better.

9 comments posted: Wednesday, May 4th, 2022

My WH will not be honest

How do I get my H to be completely transparent about his A? He has left so many things out and I just can't live not knowing the truth. Even after giving him a safe space to open up and even after reassuring him that I will not leave for his honestly, he still is just too afraid to open up. Maybe due to shame or maybe due to him trying to control the outcome. Either way, I need the entire truth but I am just not getting it and we are 2 years from dday. We don't even talk much about his A because he shuts down or becomes angry. Even when I tell him I can't move on without knowing everything, he just sits there like he doesn't know what to say. When I press for answers to shameful questions, most answers are I DONT KNOW or I DONT REMEMBER. I just wish he could be brave enough to just be completely brutally honest. I ruminate about what I dont know so much that it has taken over my life but him seeing that doesn't change anything. I just wish I knew the whole truth so I can process it, accept it and try to move on!

18 comments posted: Wednesday, May 4th, 2022

What do I truly believe?

There are some things my H says that I have a hard time believing. He had a 3 month long A with his friends wife. The sexual texting was most of his A. The A finally got physical. That same day it got physical, he says he cut it off. These are some things he says that I don't believe..
He said that as soon as they finished having sex, he felt this disgusting feeling come over him. He said he regretted it in that moment. I dont believe him because a month after that is when I caught them texting again. I literally walked in and seen the messages on his phone. They haunt me to this day. He was telling her the sex was so good and he wanted her again yet today he says that it was all a lie. He says he didn't really want to have sex with her again at all. How am I supposed to believe that?
Another thing is he admitted to masturbation while thinking of her a her a few times. He said that as soon as he would finish, he would feel disgusted. If he felt disgusted with himself after that then why in the world would he go and actually do the real thing.
He also says that all the sexual things he said to her during the A were complete bull. He said that the words ment nothing. He said things like " I can't control it, I have to have you". How can he expect me to believe that he didn't find her irresistible if he was telling her those things. He says today that it was all like a game( whatever that means). I honestly feel like he ment everything he said at the time but he denies that.
Can anyone give me insight or help me understand?

17 comments posted: Thursday, April 21st, 2022

Why do waywards cheat with no intention of leaving?

Wayward or Betrayed,

Why is it that people cheat on their spouses and also claim that the entire time that they never ever intended on leaving their spouses?

23 comments posted: Wednesday, April 20th, 2022

Did you feel guilt during the A?

Did any wayward feel guilty at all during the A?
When did the guilt start if any at all?
How can I tell if my WH was feeling guilt during his A?
What are the signs of true remorse after the A?

5 comments posted: Tuesday, April 19th, 2022

How did he act so normal? Compartmentalize?

It's been 2 years since Dday and I still struggle to understand some things. I have posted about this before but here I am still confused.

My H had a 3 month affair with his a friend of mine from childhood ( we weren't close but got closer in that last year because her H and her moved next door to us)
Her H was also my Hs childhood friend but we didn't really have much contact with them until they moved by us.
I think about the times we all hung out together during BBQs, or when my H would help him fix their car or when I would hang out with the AP and our kids. We seen them every single day. We were around them in some way all the time. I never once got any clues that anything was going on. Now I am always paranoid because they both were such good actors.

My question is How Could my H and the AP act so normal around us? Why didn't they feel awkward when we were all together? My H denies this but I truly think they enjoying keeping their little secret. I truly think they both enjoying knowing they were getting away with betrayal. How can I ever trust him again? How can I ever have friends again? How do I trust my own perception again? I hate my life now. I hate the mistrust and paranoia I feel.

How do I know what the truth is to those questions?

3 comments posted: Tuesday, April 19th, 2022

Questions to ask my WH

WS only

1 comment posted: Saturday, January 8th, 2022

Husbands affair with a friend

How does one actually get past the fact that the affair partner was a friend. When I look back and remember all thr times we all hung out together not knowing they were having an affair, it makes me feel sick. Did they get off on my humiliation? Did their little secret make them feel good? My spouse says he felt guilty and felt awkward when around the affair partner and her husband yet he was putting himself in that exact situation. He helped her husband fix his car, gave them rides etc. How can I get past this very confusing part of the affair? How to you actually accept that they enjoyed the power of their secret?

6 comments posted: Thursday, December 30th, 2021

How do I get past this?

I am a betrayed spouse. We are 18 months post D day. I have been with my spouse for 7 years now. I still can't seem to forgive. Here's my situation. About 3 years ago my spouse started taking xanax. After begging him yo stop, telling him how Gross he looked when taking them for a year straight, I stopped trying to make him happy. He didn't seem to care that this was hurting me so we stopped talking, stopped having sex and I stopped caring. I still wanted to be with him but I didn't know how to get him to stop taking xanax. He noticed I was being distant and pulling away. I thought he knew why I was unhappy because I told him many may times to stop taking xanax. Fast forward a few months and a couple we were friends with from years ago that we haven't talked to much in years moved into the apartment next door to us. To make a long story short, he ended up having a 2 month emotional affair with a girl I thought was my friend. The affair partners spouse was my spouses friend since childhood so it never occurred to me that she would be a threat. Mind you, our whole relationship he told me how afraid he was of being cheated on because his last girlfriend cheated on him and left him. My spouse was the sweetest man I knew. He was always kind and caring. He grew up with 4 sisters and his mom. No dad. He knew how to treat a women for sure. After I caught him texting her, he told me that they started talking in early February. That lasted til the end of March when they finally ended up having sex. He said that the sex was really bad and awkward. He says that he cut off contact after that and didn't talk to her for a month. He took xanax one night and I caught him texting her after a month of no contact. The part that I can't get past is that we were all friends. We all hung out together. They knew what they were doing eve while hanging out with us. How can my spouse do this? He says he felt guilty when hanging out around them but yet we constantly were around them. It makes me sick thinking they had their little secret and they got off on my humiliation. The affair partner and her spouse moved away 2 months after Dday but I cant seem to forgive him. What kind of person sleeps with their childhood friends girlfriend? What kind of person sleeps with their spouses friend? They were very close friends but they lived next-door for almost a year. I dont know what to believe anymore. He says he felt guilt but I cant believe that. I'm more confused than ever. I need help!!!!

20 comments posted: Wednesday, December 29th, 2021

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