Tallgirl (original poster member #64088) posted at 11:37 PM on Friday, December 3rd, 2021
I am considering changing back to my maiden name…. There are cons…I don’t like having a different name than my kids…. It is never spelled correctly, and it is a lot or work. I do like shedding the name that ties me to him, and becoming myself again….
What did you do and why?
[This message edited by Tallgirl at 12:12 AM, Saturday, December 4th]
Legally separated, one more step.
Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 11:45 PM on Friday, December 3rd, 2021
Hey Tallgirl….I don’t have an answer for you, but this has been on my mind also. A bit different for me…being a widow, but kind of the same. I think I may go back to my maiden name in the new year. My hesitation is how it would effect my kids and if they would be hurt by it. I am curious to read other responses to you.
Me - BS Him -WS DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -4 yr LTA affair ended 2017DDay4 - found out about LTA with ex-wife
hcsv ( member #51813) posted at 10:11 AM on Saturday, December 4th, 2021
Considering this also. Should have just done it at time of divorce. At that time I didnt change it out of respect for my inlaws but now that doesnt matter. My adult kids dont care one way or the other.
[This message edited by hcsv at 10:13 AM, Saturday, December 4th]
After 40 years, ex turned into someone I didnt know and couldnt trust anymore. Divorced. 1/17
leafields ( member #63517) posted at 10:50 AM on Saturday, December 4th, 2021
I didn't change my name. My maiden name isn't the name of my biological father. My married last name is more common, easier to spell, and I was married longer than I was single. Plus, I didn't want to go through the hassle of doing the paperwork to change everything.
Married 34 years, 3 DS
DDay #1: March 26, 2018, DDay #2 8/26/2019
Filed for D: 11/16/2020
D Final: 2/25/2021
Charmedwren ( new member #44149) posted at 12:33 PM on Saturday, December 4th, 2021
I’ve done it. I was "married name" for longer than "maiden name" and a year later it still feels weird and I still haven’t perfected my signature but God it feels good. Seeing my maiden name on my degree that I’ve achieved since he left feels amazing.
I never wanted his name but he said he wouldn’t marry me if I didn’t take it. Well, he doesn’t get to dictate anything to me anymore and I know he’s pissed that I dropped his name. Fuck him.
[This message edited by Charmedwren at 12:34 PM, Saturday, December 4th]
Me - BW
M 23 years
DD #1 Jan 2013
DD #2 Apr 2013
DD #3 Dec 2018
Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 12:54 PM on Saturday, December 4th, 2021
Great topic. I would change my name to something in a heartbeat if it wasn't for the legal and pragmatic hassle.
Married for well over 30 years now. I kept my maiden name and used it with my married name when I married.
Apparently this sent my can't be ex soon enough over the hedge. He stated that was one of the things (perceived slights) that "made" him cheat.
I am thinking of choosing an entirely new name...
Alonelyagain ( member #32820) posted at 1:18 PM on Saturday, December 4th, 2021
My XWW kept my last name in order to have the same last name as our three kids. While I would have been ok with her going back to her maiden name, it doesn’t cause me any grief or rent any space in my brain that she kept my last name. It is what it is.
WowItsReallyReal ( member #46075) posted at 3:25 PM on Saturday, December 4th, 2021
Like Shehawk I've thought of picking an entirely new last name, because I don't really feel like my maiden name fits (I was married 29 years, & only had my maiden name for 19 years).
I thought about honoring my late Mom by taking her maiden name...but thankfully I didn't, because it came to light when I was trying to trace my family tree a couple years ago that she was a foster child, & the maiden name she used was in no way her legal name!
(I was 10 when she passed away, & my WH Dad never really talked to me much about her after she died, so this was quite the shock).
At the moment I'm still using my Ex's last name, since it's the same as my kids'. Not wanting a different last name than them is what keeps me from actually changing it.
Still, the thought of having any future accomplishments in my own name would be very satisfying.
Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 3:48 PM on Saturday, December 4th, 2021
I've always used my maiden name so this wasn't an issue with me. The idea that a woman needed to change to her husband's name just never appealed to me. It was never a problem that I always kept my maiden name.
"Because I deserve better"
Chili ( member #35503) posted at 5:05 PM on Sunday, December 5th, 2021
Here's the thing I realized in my own journey - sometimes the things that *cost* a lot or were a pain the butt in disentangling my life from assclown were worth all that effort. No regrets. Even when it might have seemed like overkill to someone else.
There's something about my particular brain that likes things clean. Any little thing that felt like I was reclaiming something was really important.
Ask yourself this:
Will it help in your healing to be known by your maiden name? Your kids are older, no? so the confusion is less and less - especially in these days where people are dropping assumptions about what a family looks like.
If it makes you feel even an ounce of becoming yourself again, then I am all for it. Start doing it now where you can. Refer to yourself that way. Put it on name tags when you go places. Get new address labels made. You can do all of that while you're "making it legal." See how that feels?
2012 pretty much sucked.
Things no longer suck.
Loving flying solo with the co-pilot chili dog.
"Life teaches you how to live it if you live long enough" - Tony Bennett
foxglove ( member #21791) posted at 8:32 PM on Sunday, December 5th, 2021
In Michigan, you can return to your maiden name at the time of the divorce, so that part was easy. Although changing my name did involve things changing SSN, drivers license, professional license and bills, in the end it was worth it.
I found it was very empowering to return to my maiden name, especially as I was in school and so see my diploma with my maiden name makes me very happy.
I actually re-married in 2018 and part of the deal was that I wasn't going to take my new husband's last name.
Me (BS) 57
Married 21 years
Two grown sons
ChewedMeUp ( member #8008) posted at 4:53 PM on Monday, December 6th, 2021
My kids asked me not to go back to my maiden name, because they didn't want to try to remember how to spell it in all its Polish weirdness.
I would've gone to something new, but nothing really appealed to me, and honestly, I was so disconnected from ex by the time everything was done, that it doesn't feel like "his" name.
BS - 40
scaredwoman ( member #78680) posted at 6:56 PM on Monday, December 6th, 2021
I waited until kids were older, was just easier that way. Plus they were clear that they didn't care!
crumbs ( member #28953) posted at 8:16 PM on Monday, December 6th, 2021
My son was 12 when I filed and I'd assumed I would keep my married name to be the same as his, though it's a very unusual name & hard to spell. By the time the divorce was actually finalized, son was 16 and didn't care. I was so over the circus X had put us through in the divorce, I couldn't wait to change back to my maiden name! I literally picked up the final papers from my attorney & drove immediately to the SS office. The rest was really simple...most can be done online now as you can scan your divorce papers and upload to the various sites. I didn't have to do anything else "legally" as long as it was included in the final decree. No regrets...some of son's friends still call me by his last name and I don't correct as it's not a big deal. Otherwise, it was a very freeing final cut to X as a spouse.
DDay 2009Wouldn't stop - Moved out 8/10Divorced 2015 (Divorcing a NPD is no fun)
Charity411 ( member #41033) posted at 9:37 PM on Monday, December 6th, 2021
I kept my married name for a couple of reasons. Most importantly, I wanted to have the same last name as my daughter who was six at the time. I thought about how me having a different last name would make her feel, because in her little brain, I'd be changing it so it wouldn't be like hers anymore. I was proud to have her last name. Even her POS father could never change that.
The other reason was to piss off the OW, who he married. She hated that I was still called Mrs. ______. And being somewhat of a history sleuth, I knew that when looking for ancestors, it's harder to find documents when someone has changed their name after getting divorced. I wanted those documents to be easy to find especially since I filed on the grounds of adultery. I want my ancestors to find that out.
ALotofHistory ( new member #74176) posted at 4:48 PM on Tuesday, December 7th, 2021
As a guy..this is my recommendation and perspective. I ALWAYS recommend to gentlemen to make her changing her name back to her maiden or name of her choice as part of the settlement. This is over 25 yrs ago for me, but when we split and filed, and had a legal date of separation, her actions...i.e. - renting places and all other financial activities were still tied to my/our credit. When I went to refinance the house I kept to remove her name from the mortgage and title, a bunch of "stuff" came up on my credit report that affected my rate for refi, amongst other financial costs. Real money, not penny stuff. Then there were all the other little nuggets in credit reporting that I dealt with countless times over the years fixing to only re-appear magically 5 years later. Major PITA. And yes, all 3 credit reporting agencies. Heck, I had another nugget show up on one of the reports again about 2 years ago. Friggin ridiculous.
It is not just the name thing...its all the linkages to your credit and credit score that I recommend the name change as part of the D process (break the link ASAP). Heck, sooner if possible because until the name changes, your FICA score is at risk. And my XW was horribly irresponsible, especially financially, and I paid a price for quite awhile.
My 2 cents.
messyleslie ( member #58177) posted at 4:39 AM on Wednesday, December 8th, 2021
I went back to my maiden name. I wasn’t planning on it but I am a teacher and had always been Miss Maiden name before I got married and for the few years after marriage before I had our first child and then stayed home for 10 years. I couldn’t imagine being a different teacher name and it’s just a pain when what you want to go by is different than your legal name.
I did ask my kids if they cared - they were 4, 7 and 10 at the time. No one cared at all. I know they were young but it seemed like not a big deal to them - but I had previously used my maiden name as my middle name so they had seen around more maybe?
My ex has since had some legal issues and I just didn’t want anyone to associate me with him and it’s a more uncommon name. There was an article in the newspaper that mentioned some of the stuff and I was mortified and it really put a fire under my bottom to file the paperwork. Which really was not bad - just the dmv and then I had to send papers to the social security office. Everything else has just been random "hey my new last name is such and such" when I deal with them. My bank account is still in my married name and it’s not a big deal.
Since he had turned into a complete deadbeat and hasn’t seen or spoken to his kids since March I have thought about changing their names too just because of the potential legal issues.
Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 4:48 AM on Wednesday, December 8th, 2021
Appears to me the majority vote is to change your name!
The posts that mention the ex doing things that can cause $$ and legal problems together with age of your children - best to avoid the negative possibilities and just Go for it!
Make it a Christmas present to yourself.
Phoenix1 ( Moderator #38928) posted at 3:52 AM on Thursday, December 9th, 2021
*** posting as member ***
I didn't because my married name is tied to all my extensive professional connections, certifications, etc. It would have been a monumental ass-ache to change.
That being said, once I retire I will absolutely change it as I do not want to die with his name. I've told my kids this and they are fine with it and understand.
However, I will not go back to maiden name as my father and I have never had much of a relationship (still don't). Will likely take my mother's maiden name in honor of her as we were close (she's deceased).
Plus, if me keeping married name (for now) pisses off doucheweasle, that's an added bonus. I remember how often he would bitch and moan about his ex-wife keeping his name so that gives me hope he is equally irritated with me doing the same. It's the little things.
fBS - Me
Xhole - Multiple LTAs/2 OCs over 20+yrs
You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. ~C.S. Lewis~
twicefooled ( member #42976) posted at 11:13 PM on Thursday, December 9th, 2021
I started hyphenating my name when I left my ex - like a lot of you here, I didn't want to have a different last name than my kiddos (who were under 10yrs old at the time). I had my maiden name almost as long as my married name (19yrs), some of my post-secondary education was under my maiden name, and my married name is pretty and memorable. The reason I started hyphenating was the mental reminder for me that I was still that person I was before I married him. In certain settings, I go with my maiden name. In others, my married name. In others, the hyphenated version.
My ex is such a trainwreck that our son has contemplated changing his own last name to my maiden name - my family is very close with my kiddos and my ex's family is very hands-off (even before we split). My kiddos don't care if I change my name. But until my daughter is an adult, I will continue hyphenating it.
May 29 2021 ***reclaimed myself and decided to delete my story with my ex because I'm now 7 years free from him and mentally healthier than I've been in years.
*********When you know better, you can do better*************