Newest Member: AcesEights

Divorce/Separation :
This explains a lot

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 BetterTimesAhead (original poster member #70001) posted at 2:59 AM on Saturday, November 20th, 2021

WH still starts in on me with conversations about what I did wrong, how it didn't have to be this way, etc. Today he says "why does this have to be a problem for you?" I told him it's not a problem, it's a boundary and his behavior is unacceptable. Then he says "you don't have boundaries with me!" Just wow. He really believes he should just be able to do what he wants when he wants to and I should just be ok with it. No wonder this D is so difficult.

Me: BS - 52
Him: WH - 53
DDAY: 2/22/2019 - Three year EA and PA
Filed for D 9/2021
***************
Didn't cause it
Can't control it
Can't cure him

posts: 640   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2019   ·   location: US
id 8699416
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 3:18 AM on Saturday, November 20th, 2021

He’s a special one. Shields up and keep moving forward.

And hang in there. The end is in sight.

Me: BS 54 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA
Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4273   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8699420
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Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 5:17 AM on Saturday, November 20th, 2021

Ya and "wow" doesn't really express the really low-life perspective of how to treat other people - especially a wife (spouse)

Then he says "you don't have boundaries with me!"

I would suggest you point him at a book about boundaries - or maybe "Not Just Friends" in which boundaries are discussed."

Anyone without boundaries is a loose cannon that will blow away anyone when they take any kind of notion.


His comment to you - disgusting!


I hope you have plan to put, at a minimum, a large hill or fast moving stream between you and him. Probably/likely permanently.

Wish you well for the Holidays!

Not Just Friends

posts: 567   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8699430
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 BetterTimesAhead (original poster member #70001) posted at 8:25 PM on Saturday, November 20th, 2021

I tried to get him to read Not Just Friends but he said it was crap. What makes them an expert? Hence why R is impossible. He still thinks I need to make the effort not him.

And I agree Hippo16. A person without boundaries is selfish and entitled and cares not about anyone else. Now I see the error of my ways when I didn't enforce my boundaries during our relationship. I thought I was being considerate by giving him time to get used to my boundaries but all that did is tell him I'm a chump and he can get away with anything he wants. Live and learn.

Me: BS - 52
Him: WH - 53
DDAY: 2/22/2019 - Three year EA and PA
Filed for D 9/2021
***************
Didn't cause it
Can't control it
Can't cure him

posts: 640   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2019   ·   location: US
id 8699473
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 11:17 AM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021

I think you need to focus on your username. There are better times ahead, but to reach them you need to wade in the mire your husband is creating. The key is to focus on the light ahead and to keep on walking.
He’s trying to impact you. His refusal to let your son go with you to the family Thanksgiving, the argument about boundaries… You could turn on the light in a dark room and he would complain, only to complain even more if you turned it back off. It’s not what you do that irks him – it’s you. He finds fault in everything you do because it’s so much easier than trying to find fault in himself.

Look – you two are divorcing. Divorce isn’t an alternative form of marriage. It’s the termination of a relationship. With a 16 year old kid then chances are you won’t really grow into great co-parents, but hopefully can tend to your son’s needs in an amicable and acceptable form. I certainly hope that if he graduates you two can sit in the same area, that if he marries the main-issue won’t be if mom and dad can be in the same banquet. I would hope that 2 years past your divorce you will be OK with whatever woman he might be dating, just like he’s not getting involved with any man you might be dating.

Frankly – Whenever your husband starts on about what you did wrong… Don’t respond. Well… at least not in the way he expects. You simply tell him that this discussion might be relevant if you two were working at reconciling the marriage, but since you are focused on divorce then it doesn’t serve any purpose to go there. And then walk away. Don’t participate in arguments because you have decided your course.

Its basically the same advice I offered on the son and holiday issue: He refuses to allow you to take son to the family then don’t partake in that argument.
EITHER get your attorney to tell you that you CAN take your son if he wants to go.
OR
You just go without him.

What you don’t do is argue with your husband about it because his goal is NOT your son’s interest but how to cause you pain.

That’s one of the consequences of divorce. There will be times where you wont have your son with you, just like there will be times when your husband won’t have his son with him. Won’t harm your son (although it possibly can harm your son’s relationship with his dad – but that just confirms what I said that it’s all about causing you pain).

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10012   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8699603
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:01 PM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021

Bigger is spot on.

Stop engaging in his "discussions" that are basically nothing more than him telling you everything you have ever done in your marriage is wrong. Stop allowing him to blame you for the D.

Shut him down. Maybe no contact needs to be part of your D requirements.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10878   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8699611
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Linus ( new member #79614) posted at 4:02 PM on Saturday, November 27th, 2021

One good thing about responses like his, they validate that the decision to divorce is the correct one. You really have nothing to work with here.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Nov. 21st, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8700494
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OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 2:06 PM on Sunday, November 28th, 2021

What a narcissistic ass. You do know his true goal, every single minute of every single day?

To take his narcissistic misery out on you. To do this he will:

Blame you

Shame you

Deny you everything

Obstruct

Argue

Lie

And when you are upset, he smiles inside. THAT is what he enjoys--transferring his misery to you.

Have you read the book Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Boderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Your only sanity is to Gray Rock him every step of the way. If you want to win in this game (his game, you have no choice) where the prize is your SANITY, then your goal is to never, ever, EVER engage with a word he says:

Non-answers

No emotion

Short, one word

Like you are barely listening

Then walk away

To the guest room, your own space

Detached completely from his thoughts and feelings on anything

I've used this. It truly works. But it was HARD for me because my FOO wanted to win him over, be logical, convince him. If someone else's goal is to simply upset you and your desires through any means possible, then logic and reason stand NO chance. Give them up. Let go.

Just let go.

Gray Rock.

Then watch him go crazy in frustration over his inability to push your buttons.

Just let go of convincing him.

Of anything.

Gray Rock only.

Best, best, best wishes to you.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 3:23 PM, Sunday, November 28th]

me: BS/WSh: WS/BS

Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5284   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8700579
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