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Newest Member: 39Robbo

Divorce/Separation :
This explains a lot

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KatieKat ( member #16690) posted at 2:05 AM on Sunday, December 12th, 2021

STOP this "I worry because WH…"

You think of him first always.

Just see how everything is catering to his emotions and PUT YOURSELF FiRST.

If he wants to tantrum like a toddler ~ ignore.

one of the lucky ones

posts: 273   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2007
id 8703730
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 BetterTimesAhead (original poster member #70001) posted at 4:09 AM on Tuesday, December 14th, 2021

You are right KatieKat. It's always been about him but if you ask him, he was always the one making the compromises, doing the hard work, catering to me, etc etc. It is difficult to change when it is so ingrained because he conditioned me that way. Very difficult. But I'm working on it. Thanks for the reminder.

Me: BS - 52
Him: WH - 53
DDAY: 2/22/2019 - Three year EA and PA
Filed for D 9/2021
***************
Didn't cause it
Can't control it
Can't cure him

posts: 653   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2019   ·   location: US
id 8703988
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 4:18 PM on Wednesday, December 15th, 2021

I’m going to make one more attempt to get my message across. I don’t think I’m making myself understood.

Look – right now you are in a transition stage. You are committed to divorce and your husband seems committed to making things as hard as possible. You have a 16-year-old son – assuming he’s 17 next year the year the divorce will be finalized. This is relevant because any custody or visitation arrangement will lean heavily towards what he wants and will probably only be implemented until he turns 18.

By bad luck or coincidence or whatever your D process is where its at over this holiday season. It might be in the same stage on the 4th of July, at your son’s birthday… whatever. IMHO your priority should be to advance the divorce as far and as fast as possible – even if that’s at the sacrifice of losing an occasional skirmish or battle.

I THINK the correct reaction to the Thanksgiving weekend would have been to simply leave son with his dad and leave. I think having him tag along and being at a hotel or whatever was wrong. OR if your attorney had stated you could take son AND son wanted to go then simply take him and refuse to participate in the spiteful and stupid hotel-commute. I THINK the time spent with all this stupidity would be better spend having your attorney hammer out the details of the prime residency, the home, the custody and so on and so on.

I also THINK that had you done that your son would have demanded he go with you. It would put the onus on being the "bad guy" on your husband. Had your husband tagged along then he would have done so in his own vehicle. Cost of rental isn’t your issue. Don’t take part in the circus.

It could have meant you skipped out on having him with you. It could have meant you skipped out on the family event. But it would also mean you skipped out on having your soon-to-be ex husband manipulating your life. Since this is a transition stage then it would be OK for one Thanksgiving.

Keep in mind that there is hardly a single step in D that doesn’t have provisions that can be enforced before the dotted line is signed. There are provisions that can ensure either you or he can move from the family-home while ensuring bills are met. There are provisions for the cost if you were to move out. The house can be sold and the assets divided before the final signature. It’s definitely BEST if both parties work in unison and reach a joint decision. But it’s also quite clear that one party can drive the bus if the other tries to hold back.

I would hate for you to be posting here in July because you want to take son to the beach and husband wants to come along. Settle for losing an occasional skirmish if it leads to you winning the war. Get the divorce over with and this man out of your life.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10178   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8704277
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Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 5:16 PM on Wednesday, December 15th, 2021

I have no advice, but I think your WH rear ended you on purpose. He's a sick man and I pray that you get away from him soon.

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 38 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-37 & 34 12yo GS,9yo GD&7yo. GD (DD37) and 9yo GD & 5yo GD(DD34). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8658   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8704289
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 BetterTimesAhead (original poster member #70001) posted at 6:05 AM on Thursday, December 16th, 2021

Thank you for the clarification Bigger. To be clear, he drove his own vehicle Thanksgiving weekend. He wanted to come in mine but I said no. I am trying to move the D ahead but everything - EVERYTHING - is a battle with him. The everyday daily activities with my son usually work themselves out (or I should say I don't want to put my son in the middle so i acquiesce, keeping my final goal in sight). But living with him? Basically impossible. He videotapes me in my house. The other day said i was poisoning his food. Yesterday he said i stole his keys. He said this year was supposed to be the last holidays we spent together (don't know why he would think that). He said we should each get time with our son Christmas Eve and Christmas Day (i said no because he is not spending his holidays in the car). It is madness really.

All I can do is get my attorney more involved and not take the bait where WH is concerned. Of course it will cost more $ and I really need to practice not engaging with WH or indulging his demands. If you have not been the target if a narcissist for years and years it is difficult to understand why this is so hard. This is not divorce with a reasonable, rational person. I do appreciate all the advice and suggestions.

Me: BS - 52
Him: WH - 53
DDAY: 2/22/2019 - Three year EA and PA
Filed for D 9/2021
***************
Didn't cause it
Can't control it
Can't cure him

posts: 653   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2019   ·   location: US
id 8704447
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