Newest Member: ibelieveinspring

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BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 7:27 PM on Saturday, October 30th, 2021

Cheers to you, CeraBella!!

Well done in your attitude toward his hissy fit and his attempt at manipulation!

Me=BW
WH had online affairs
Married 30 yrs now
2 kids, both in HS
Dday#1=2/7/20
Dday#2=2/12/20
Dday#3=2/17/20
Dday#4=11/25/20...1st A with cOW was actually 2 1/2 years
BW & WH in IC & MC. Working toward R, but day by day

posts: 77   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8695907
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Blandy ( member #79252) posted at 8:52 PM on Saturday, October 30th, 2021

Good lord, the real him sounds like a real POS.

Congrats on standing your ground! Remember, NONE of this is your fault, no matter what he says.

posts: 106   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8695917
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Beentheredonethat1 ( new member #79485) posted at 10:09 PM on Saturday, October 30th, 2021

He was probably told to not contact them or they would seek a restraining order on him and he has projected that to mean you. What a narc.

[This message edited by Beentheredonethat1 at 10:09 PM, Saturday, October 30th]

posts: 28   ·   registered: Oct. 14th, 2021   ·   location: Florida
id 8695927
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 CereBella (original poster new member #79510) posted at 10:56 PM on Saturday, October 30th, 2021

He was probably told to not contact them or they would seek a restraining order on him and he has projected that to mean you. What a narc.

This is a really good point... I was trying to figure out where the restraining order nonsense came from. I couldn't imagine they would seek one against me, since it was the husband that reached out to me to get answers.

My WH seems to be extra cautious about putting anything in writing now, since I sent the OW and her husband screenshots of text messages for the proof they were looking for. They must have told him about the screenshots because now he won't answer anything other than simple yes or no questions in text. He'll just add that to his "bag of tricks" to make it harder to get caught with the next person he does this to... there certainly won't be a third time with me. Today has made my decision much easier. There is no doubt in my mind that divorce is the only option.

posts: 37   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2021
id 8695930
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LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 1:40 AM on Sunday, October 31st, 2021

I’m now convinced there is no originality with waywards, we all really should get together and finally write that cheater’s handbook.

My STBXWH told the same lies to his APs, he was single, we weren’t married, it was a short marriage that ended fairly early (& we’re just roomies)... variations of the same nonsense. In the end I did scan my marriage certificate, scanned some Valentine’s Day cards/birthday cards (he put the year at the end and they all were flowery about how much he loves being my husband, how we should consider having another child etc etc) and screenshot some texts about not wanting a divorce and then I put them on my socials and made them public so all the other women who decided to cyber creep me could see in black and white the giant liar he is.

And yeah I got the same kind of messages about how we cannot possibly work since I’m so nasty laugh get a VAR, always have it on you and put your phone on speaker whenever he speaks with it on, he won’t suspect that.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 1:46 AM, Sunday, October 31st]

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 218   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8695946
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 CereBella (original poster new member #79510) posted at 2:36 AM on Sunday, October 31st, 2021

I will be seriously looking into recording any conversations I have with him going forward (and I hope those are few and far between). Now that he's "losing everything", this is when he'll really turn into a psycho. He did creepy things (like stand outside of my house at night when he thought I didn't know he was there) when we were separated before that were pretty "stalkerish". If he starts that crap again, I won't hesitate to get a restraining order against him. My therapist has already discussed with me what would qualify as unsafe behavior, and I find that my tolerance for his crap is dwindling by the hour. Especially now that he is out of the house and I don't have to see him. I think the first week was the toughest, but seeing all of his lies unravel now, and not having any physical contact with him for a while, it's like my own fog is lifting and I'm ready to GTFO of this whole situation.

posts: 37   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2021
id 8695948
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 5:53 PM on Sunday, October 31st, 2021

His reaction to your kindness to the OBS tells you EVERYTHING you need to know about the real person hiding underneath all that charm.
This probably comes from Chapter Three of the Cheaters Handbook.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 3000   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8695991
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 9:30 PM on Sunday, October 31st, 2021

Well, it didn't take long for him to show you that he wasn't serious about R. I'm so sorry about that. I do think you're on the right track though. Right now, he's not offering anything you can work with. I think you're right though and that it's likely he'll be back around trying to keep you on the hook. That might mean a charm offensive or it could be, as you've seen in the past, stalking. I think you'd be wise to have some kind of response ready so he doesn't catch you flat-footed and unprepared. As you've already seen, it's going to be hard to remember how bad this guy can be when you start feeling lonely. And he's going to count on that, because it's worked for him in the past. Maybe setting up a support system with friends and family might help, so that you feel more empowered and less alone. That way, when he comes around looking for attention, you're ready.

posts: 4676   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8696015
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 CereBella (original poster new member #79510) posted at 12:34 AM on Monday, November 1st, 2021

After everything I've learned this time around (and remembering things that I seem to have selectively forgotten from the first time) I don't think there is any chance of my falling for his "charm" again. I don't think I could even look at him without feeling physically ill now that I am fully aware. The scary part is that there is always more under the surface... what I know about is just the tip of the iceberg, and I don't really want to know the rest of it. I know enough now to realize that he will likely never change, and even if he did, there is no way I could ever trust him or feel safe in a relationship with him again.

posts: 37   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2021
id 8696039
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 1:29 AM on Monday, November 1st, 2021

That's what you hold onto then. Make a list. Write down every dastardly thing he's done, along with how those things make you feel. Then, if/when you catch him on the charm offensive, you whip it out and remind yourself how much better your life is going to be without him in it. Our brains have a way of dulling these things down. It's not that you won't feel offended later at the thought of how he uses his profession to prey upon women. Certainly, that's still going to be offensive. But we do become accustomed in such as way as to no longer be shocked. And it's that sense of shock you're going to want to hold onto if/when he tries to normalize his behavior with you.

posts: 4676   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8696043
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 9:03 AM on Monday, November 1st, 2021

Hi Cere, I haven't been on SI for the last couple day's but I am pleased to read your update and that you are taking steps to get out of infidelity. Your WH has been horrible to you long enough and you don't need that.

I just want you to know that you are a very strong and are a beautiful soul. And you also have supporters on the SI site that will be able to help guide you in making the best possible decisions with what you are dealing with. The supporters here will help you to keep your momentum going strong as you navigate your way through the process of divorce. You are so strong and smart! You are waking up to his BS and you won't allow his charm to work it's way back into your heart ever again. Proud of you! You can do it!

Exercise and drink lots of water. Seek out IRL support, you will need it. Surround yourself with family and close friends, get therapy. Hopefully you don't already have PTSD be because of his emotional abuse. It can get pretty bad. And I believe that PTSD will get progressively worse and it won't improve without the correct measures. Believe me, having PTSD is serious.

Stay on the path that you are on and keep moving forward. Leave him in the dust. You are strong and independent and you don't need this. You are your best advocate. You've got this. So advocate what you most believe in and you will be fine. I'll be rooting for you.
And I know that you are already doing a lot of these things but it's just a reminder to stay on track. Sometimes we need that.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 2:43 PM, Tuesday, November 2nd]

posts: 740   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8696081
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 3:15 PM on Monday, November 1st, 2021

CereBella

Really look into getting a restraining order if you decide this is the limit and you want out.
Some of what you share makes your husband sound controlling. Control is a form of abuse. Abuse doesn’t have to be violence per se – he can be abusive without ever having laid a hand on you. Sounds like he uses various mental tricks to manipulate you and get his way.

One real risk is when abusers realize they are losing their ability to control and it leads to escalation.

This is why the first weeks after separation can be key. This is the period where we hear on the news about the estranged husbands that go and strangle their families and so on. Under normal circumstances this shouldn’t require anything as drastic as a restraining order, but give his actions last time you separated… I would definitely follow your therapists advice – and the advice of a former cop that dealt with domestic abuse – and get a RO.

If nothing else it gives you grounds to phone the cops if he’s outside your door and wont leave.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10016   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8696118
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 CereBella (original poster new member #79510) posted at 7:03 PM on Monday, November 1st, 2021

Thank you to everyone for your words of encouragement and support... It means a lot to me to know that I am not alone on this rather difficult journey. I wish we weren't all part of this "club", but I am grateful for the support.

Really look into getting a restraining order if you decide this is the limit and you want out.
Some of what you share makes your husband sound controlling. Control is a form of abuse. Abuse doesn’t have to be violence per se – he can be abusive without ever having laid a hand on you. Sounds like he uses various mental tricks to manipulate you and get his way.

I'm not sure if anyone here has any experience with this (and I'm sure laws vary by state) but do I have to wait until he does something scary to get a RO? I know how he acted last time, and his moods can change at the drop of a hat, based on what is going on in other areas of his life. He gets particularly nasty and escalates quickly when he's been caught in his lies, or his lies have been exposed. I have changed the locks on my house, so I feel relatively safe that he can't get in, but I do have to take my dogs out for walks and bathroom breaks throughout the day and evening, and that's when I get nervous. Would anyone entertain a RO based on his past behavior and my own current fear/anxiety? He's not made any threats to me (yet) and I haven't seen any stalking, but it doesn't mean it hasn't happened. He could be driving by my house, or walking around near it in the neighborhood, without me knowing.

posts: 37   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2021
id 8696202
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 7:16 PM on Monday, November 1st, 2021

I would install surveillance cameras around the entryways and keep a VAR on my person. I doubt you'd be able to get a restraining order unless he had threatened you, but I would talk to a lawyer because you do have previous.

posts: 4676   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8696209
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 10:22 PM on Monday, November 1st, 2021

As you say the process varies state-by-state but no – he does not have to have attacked you or carried out a threat. Just keep in mind that the RO goes both ways: if he’s not allowed within 100 yards from you then you are not allowed within 100 yards of him.
A great resource for your area would be the hotline of a domestic abuse center. Don’t worry – they don’t expect every person that phones in to be a battered wreck of a woman. They get calls from people that simply want to know how to be safe.
At the very least take extra precautions the first days after separating.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10016   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8696237
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 CereBella (original poster new member #79510) posted at 3:13 AM on Tuesday, November 2nd, 2021

Thank you... we do have a pretty prominent domestic abuse intervention service here. Our company has actually done some charity work with them in the past. I will reach out to them and see if they can offer some guidance. I'm honestly hoping he's so fixated on salvaging things with the OW (she seems very willing to believe his lies) that he won't even care that I'm walking away for good.

[This message edited by CereBella at 6:54 PM, Tuesday, November 2nd]

posts: 37   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2021
id 8696304
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Repossessed ( member #79544) posted at 4:03 AM on Tuesday, November 2nd, 2021

I read somewhere that being the betrayed spouse is like having to serve the time for a crime you didn't commit, and I couldn't agree more.

This just gobsmacked me. Filing it away.

Here to keep myself mindful that I don't always see what actually is. I certainly didn't when I married her.

posts: 57   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2021   ·   location: Chicagoland
id 8696309
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 CereBella (original poster new member #79510) posted at 7:08 PM on Tuesday, November 2nd, 2021

I read somewhere that being the betrayed spouse is like having to serve the time for a crime you didn't commit, and I couldn't agree more.

This just gobsmacked me. Filing it away.

Sadly, it's true. We are the ones who suffer emotionally (and physically) from their selfish behavior. We have no say in the matter, but we are the ones who ultimately pay the price.

posts: 37   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2021
id 8696409
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Beentheredonethat1 ( new member #79485) posted at 9:50 PM on Tuesday, November 2nd, 2021

Sadly, it's true. We are the ones who suffer emotionally (and physically) from their selfish behavior. We have no say in the matter, but we are the ones who ultimately pay the price.


The way to stop paying the price is get out of infidelity and have a happy productive life. It is the best. Sure it takes a lot but all bs can get there.

posts: 28   ·   registered: Oct. 14th, 2021   ·   location: Florida
id 8696451
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Charity411 ( member #41033) posted at 10:10 PM on Tuesday, November 2nd, 2021

CereBella, I got a restraining order without him physically harming me or threatening to. He was stalking me for years after I ended the relationship. Document everything. Every call, text, email and anything else he does.

In my case he called, and emailed relentlessly, left notes on my car, sat outside my house in his car watching, sat outside my work place watching, called my friends, called my family members, had his family members and friends call me, wrote poetry about me and published it in the local paper, broke into my house and left flowers, left letters under rocks in my yard, followed me places, left gifts on my doorstep. He even had people call me to meet them for a business appointment for my job, I'd show up, and it would be him. I even woke up to him standing in my room watching me sleep. He never laid a hand on me but it was creepy. This went on for almost three years.

I kept documentation of it all. I went to the local police department and found out I could get an order of no trespass naming him specifically without going to court because it was my property. All I had to do was post it and if he set foot on my property the police would arrest him. I listed everything he'd done in an email with "DO NOT" ie: call, text etc. in front of each one. He got it and responded. I saved the email and response because I had specifically notified him that I wanted each of those things to stop. In court he claimed he never got that email, but I printed off his response to it, proving he did. I brought it all to court and I got my restraining order.

I'm in Illinois. It might be different elsewhere. But I believe the thing that really helped me was the meticulous documentation I kept. I did the court and the Police Department's homework for them, so nothing was open to interpretation.

posts: 1544   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2013   ·   location: Illinois
id 8696464
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