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Just Found Out :
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 CereBella (original poster new member #79510) posted at 11:06 PM on Tuesday, November 2nd, 2021

Thanks for that info Charity... that is helpful. When my STBXWH stalked me before when we were separated, he did similar things, though not to the extent yours did. He would drive by my house a lot, and would stand in the yard at night (I don't think he knew that I knew he was there). He would show up places unannounced and he would conveniently end up at the same places I was, when he shouldn't have known I was there. I know he broke into my house at least once, because he stole the signature pages of the divorce papers I made him sign, so I couldn't file them. I am in Wisconsin, and I know the laws here can be lax on domestic issues and stalking, but hopefully in my more progressive county, there is something that can help. I'm going to chat with my lawyer about all of this, but I think I am going to look into cameras/ring type doorbells, so I can get documentation if he is coming around, either when I am home or not.

posts: 37   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2021
id 8696476
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 12:20 AM on Wednesday, November 3rd, 2021

CereBella, if I were you I would move the divorce along as fast as humanly possible. If he is the predator he seems to be, it's only a matter of time before one of his clients reports him, or takes him to court. You don't want to be on the hook for any court costs. You also don't want to be on the hook for alimony if he loses his license and loses his job.

Even if some small tiny part of your brain may want to reconcile, you should still divorce ASAP. If he were to change (unlikely) you could still get back together after divorce. You want to make sure you protect yourself financially from this man.

If you can get a legal separation that relieves you of any financial obligation towards him, do that, like yesterday.

I am so sorry that you're having to go through all this. Stay strong.

[This message edited by nomudnolotus at 12:20 AM, Wednesday, November 3rd]

posts: 200   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
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 CereBella (original poster new member #79510) posted at 2:16 PM on Wednesday, November 3rd, 2021

I definitely do not want to R, and I know he will never change - divorce is the only path forward for me anymore. That is a really good point about getting things moving legally ASAP though... whoever is sending these anonymous letters has sent more in the past month, and when I checked my informed delivery digest email from USPS today, I see that there is another one coming today. I have no idea who's sending the letters, but so far, everything in them has proven to be true, and this person has said (more than once) that "one of the women he hurts is going to take him down with them". I have a feeling that he's made such a mess of his life finally, that something is going to come back to bite him soon. I don't want any part of the fallout from his actions.

posts: 37   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2021
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 4:09 PM on Wednesday, November 3rd, 2021

When someone threatens to take him down it’s not a good sign.
I was hoping the anonymous letters were being sent by someone with your interest at heart. The threat makes it more sound like the goal is to hurt your husband and you are simply a tool to do that.

Not that it matters per se. Based on what you share you are committed to divorce. I strongly suggest you get the paperwork in and the process started. One benefit is that it establishes a legal date and shows intent. If someone thinks they can "take him down" there might be some legal costs behind that – ranging from legal representations to possible fines or compensation. As is with you two being married that might impact what would be considered marital funds or assets in the divorce, by filing you might be ensuring your share is safe from any possible future actions.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10017   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 5:36 PM on Wednesday, November 3rd, 2021

Agree with Bigger. Your WS is on the road to ruin. Get your paperwork in, time stamped, secure your interests and make sure he doesn't take you down with him as drowning victims tend to do.

posts: 731   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
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 CereBella (original poster new member #79510) posted at 6:12 PM on Wednesday, November 3rd, 2021

When someone threatens to take him down it’s not a good sign.
I was hoping the anonymous letters were being sent by someone with your interest at heart. The threat makes it more sound like the goal is to hurt your husband and you are simply a tool to do that.

I agree with this... At first, I thought they were coming from someone who just wanted me to know. I do think that's partially the case... I think they want me to know, but like Bigger said, only because it would cause him problems in his marriage. I think they know that they can hurt him through me finding out. The fact that the letters continue to be sent also tell me that they are after him. If it was just a person with a conscience who wanted me to know, they would have sent one and been done with it. I can't even imagine what he has gotten himself caught up in, but I will be filing ASAP (like by the end of this week) because I don't want to get caught in the legal or financial fallout of whatever is going on.

posts: 37   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2021
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Beentheredonethat1 ( new member #79485) posted at 11:45 PM on Wednesday, November 3rd, 2021

but I will be filing ASAP (like by the end of this week) because I don't want to get caught in the legal or financial fallout of whatever is going on.

yes as soon as possible sounds like they have been nice enough to give you the heads up

[This message edited by Beentheredonethat1 at 11:52 PM, Wednesday, November 3rd]

posts: 28   ·   registered: Oct. 14th, 2021   ·   location: Florida
id 8696687
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 CereBella (original poster new member #79510) posted at 2:46 PM on Thursday, November 4th, 2021

For as good as my STBXWH is at lying and manipulating, he's actually not very smart. I was able to "trick" him into revealing the name of the his other AP last night (the one that the first AP found out about)... he thinks that she might be sending the anonymous letters. I will be contacting her soon to find out what she knows as well. In the process of getting him to tell me who she is, I may have discovered two more AP's. I have no idea how far this rabbit hole goes, but something is telling me it doesn't end any time soon.

Throughout this process, I have learned to trust my gut. It hasn't been wrong yet, and I'm starting to realize how much truth there is to "the body knows". Thinking back to even before I found out about the first A, I had problems connecting with my H... like some nagging feeling was always in the back of my mind. It was like I knew I should love him, and I did, but some part of me was holding back. Sex had become robotic, because I just wasn't into it, and I think I had subconsciously started to put walls up that I then had to fight with myself over. It's like I "knew before I knew" and also reaffirms my suspicions that this had been going on for a good part of our marriage. Towards the end, before I found out about the most recent A, even kissing him when I got home from work started to feel gross. I could never understand it, because in my brain, he was my husband and I loved him, but something in my subconscious was repulsed by him.

posts: 37   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2021
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 3:48 PM on Thursday, November 4th, 2021

Read Gavin De Becker book The Gift Of Fear. He is an expert in how we lie to ourselves about hidden dangers. Great info

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 3003   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
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 CereBella (original poster new member #79510) posted at 11:22 PM on Saturday, November 6th, 2021

So I ended up talking to the second AP... my WH was seeing both of these women at the same time, and neither knew about each other until a random mutual acquaintance they had in common put two and two together, and connected them. The two OW are night and day... the married one seems about as insane as my WH is, while the other one is single and was totally snowed by my WH. She was more than willing to talk to me, but she felt extremely ashamed. I actually ended our conversation feeling a little sorry for her. She did not know my WH was married - he saw her only when he was at one of his offices that's about an hour away from here, so she wasn't "local". He lied to her and manipulated her, and even though she felt like something might be up, he was able to lie effectively enough to keep her from really digging around. She was previously married to a narcissist, so she felt especially stupid for falling for my WH's crap too.

The OW that's married (who is local) was also lied to and manipulated, but even now that she knows the truth (the "second" OW contacted her and told her about also being involved with my WH) she is continuing to see my WH. It's mind blowing. Her husband has tried to reason with her, she has heard from me, and the second OW, and she's still willing to believe the bullshit that he's feeding her. She's a lost cause, and I can't feel bad for someone who goes into a situation that's sure to go up in flames with "eyes wide open" about what they're getting themselves into.

I just can't believe how far my WH was willing to go to have all of these other lives... and apparently never would have left our marriage if he could have continued to get away with it. Now that I've kicked him out he seems to be test driving reality with the married OW. I just have no words.

I have never been more sure of anything in my life than I am about my decision to divorce him, but the more the truth comes out, the more I really do believe it's stranger than fiction. I could never in my wildest dreams imagine that my H of 18 years was this sick, until the proof was staring me in the face.

posts: 37   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2021
id 8697300
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 11:48 PM on Saturday, November 6th, 2021

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this Cere, at least it's very clear to you what's going on. He sounds awful, and married ow sounds awful. Just remember what's going to happen if those two awful people get together.

posts: 200   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8697304
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Beentheredonethat1 ( new member #79485) posted at 8:26 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

How are you doing Cere? Did you get to file?

posts: 28   ·   registered: Oct. 14th, 2021   ·   location: Florida
id 8697586
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 CereBella (original poster new member #79510) posted at 9:12 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

So this situation just keeps getting better and better... I now find out that my STBXWH had a whole bunch of debt that I didn't know about, in addition to the cheating. Guess he had to fund his multiple other lives somehow. I have not filed yet because we are trying to figure out the best path forward for me financially now, so I don't get stuck with part of his debt. It's about $40,000 in credit card debt that I didn't know about.

posts: 37   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2021
id 8697593
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 9:30 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

Ugh! That's awful! My first thought though is to wonder if he forged your signature on anything. I'd pull copies of credit applications as well as statements. I hope your attorney is up to snuff. Don't be afraid to replace him/her if you feel you need someone more aggressive.

So sorry. What a mess. sad

posts: 4680   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
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 CereBella (original poster new member #79510) posted at 10:15 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

It seems to be all credit card debt that he took out in his name only, but I am requesting a copy of my credit report to make sure there is nothing on there that shouldn't be. Thankfully, we have maintained separate finances throughout our marriage.

posts: 37   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2021
id 8697610
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Beentheredonethat1 ( new member #79485) posted at 10:44 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

Oh the gift that keeps on giving 🙄
What did your lawyer say about the debt? I would think you were not responsible for it if you were never informed of it.

posts: 28   ·   registered: Oct. 14th, 2021   ·   location: Florida
id 8697615
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 CereBella (original poster new member #79510) posted at 11:09 PM on Monday, November 8th, 2021

Our state is a 50/50 zero fault state. I could be responsible for half of any debt incurred while we were married. He is also very good at manipulating his finances to show minimal income (he's a small business owner) so his tax liability is smaller. It would be up to a judge... but thankfully we have kept everything separated - we even file our taxes separately (married filing separate) so I can only hope that any judge would see that and also acknowledge the fact that I had no knowledge of this debt until now.

posts: 37   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2021
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 2:09 AM on Tuesday, November 9th, 2021

Check with your attorney but it may pay you to get a forensic accountant to decipher his income and any funds he may try and hide in his business. Also if you can tag any of his debt to affairs outside the marriage.

It’s worth at least asking about.

Years ago a friend of ours asked for my help. Her husband said he had no funds but he had thousands stuck in a retained earnings account. laugh

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
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BigMammaJamma ( member #65954) posted at 5:07 PM on Friday, November 12th, 2021

You doing okay, CB?

Me- born in 1984
Him- born in 1979
We both have 2 kids from previous marriages and we share a two year old.
I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.
Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this c

posts: 178   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8698158
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Beentheredonethat1 ( new member #79485) posted at 6:51 AM on Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

How is it going Cere?

posts: 28   ·   registered: Oct. 14th, 2021   ·   location: Florida
id 8698848
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