I have been with my husband for 18 years and just found out about multiple affairs. A little back story... 7 years into our marriage, I found out about his first affair (or the first one I learned of anyway - I'm now convinced that there have probably been more before that). At that point, we separated for a while (almost 2 years). I moved out, but we stayed in each other's lives. He continued on with the woman he cheated with for a while, before that "ran its course" and ended, and she moved away.
We got back together and moved back in with each other after that two year separation, and have been together ever since. I started receiving some random letters in the mail over the summer, that were typed, never hand written, no return address, etc - they went to great lengths to keep them anonymous. They claimed that my husband was cheating with multiple women and I had a right to know. Obviously, I confronted him and he denied everything, but the truth eventually came out (it always does) and he ended up admitting things to me... only because the OW he had been seeing for 18 months found out about yet another woman, got mad, and threatened to expose everything to me. He only admitted the affairs because otherwise she was going to tell me. She is also married, though her husband works out of state, so it's very convenient for them.
He had a break down, claimed he didn't want to be the horrible person anymore, wanted to get help, etc. He doesn't know why he does the things he does, but he knows he is a pathological liar. He admitted that he was selfish, ad the affair just "made him feel good" about himself. He claims that the first affair happened because I "pulled away" in our marriage, and that we never reconnected. That was his excuse for this one too... that we just never reconnected after the first affair and separation. Mind you... that was not for lack of trying on my part. Any time I brought up my concerns, that we were headed down the same road as before, and needed to work on "us", he assured me that he was happy and we were fine. Now I know that was a lie, and pretty much everything that came out of his mouth for the past 2 years was a lie. These are only the affairs I know about... given his behavior, I'm sure there are more.
I received another letter a couple of days ago, letting me know that he STILL wasn't being honest with the OW or me, that there was now even a new woman on the side, and had been several others. He does therapeutic body work for a living, and they said that he's basically a predator - that "every time he closes that door of his, he is looking for his next victim to seduce. He tells them what they want to hear and makes them feel special" etc, etc. It makes me sick to think that he is some sort of manipulative predator, but it seems to be that way. He continues to deny the things claimed in these letters, but eventually they have all been proven to be true, so I have no reason to believe the latest one isn't.
Last night was the last straw... after he swore to me that he had broken everything off with everyone, I found the address of the OW he's been seeing for 18 months and drove by her apartment. His car was parked there at 11:30 at night... so he was staying with her when he told me he was staying with his mother to "take some time away and work on himself". He had his first therapy appointment on Friday.
He clearly hasn't ended the affair, and has continued to lie. I told the OW's husband about their affair and finding him on social media - he seems like a very nice man, and I feel terrible for him. He said that this revelation explains a lot, and he thanked me for having the decency and courage to tell him. I don't know what he is going do, but he's the one who gave me her address so I could see if my husband was there last night - I think he wanted to know too, if it was still going on, and he's in another state, so I went to check.
I lost it last night after seeing him at her place, and had the locks changed in the middle of the night by a 24 hour locksmith. I am obviously destroyed by this, and am facing an uncertain future after almost 20 years of marriage. I am also in therapy, and I'm thankful for that, but kicking him out has been awful. I can barely eat or sleep, and the anxiety is crippling. I know it's the right thing to do... he's a monster, but it doesn't make it any easier. I' hurt, angry, sad, depressed, scared, all at the same time.
He claims he wants to work on himself and he still has hope for us, but how can he say he's working on himself when he's still engaging in the affair(s). This OW is obviously a glutton for punishment too, if she was willing to let him right back in after finding out about others besides herself. He is a very manipulative liar though, so who knows what he's telling her or what she's falling for. I just don't really know which way to go at this point. I am meeting with an attorney on Tuesday to learn about my options. I don't know if I should give him time to continue in therapy and get help, or just cut ties and run. I honestly worry that he has a personality disorder and don't know if therapy will even help him. I don't think he lives in reality, and he'll probably just lie to the therapist too.