Newest Member: ibelieveinspring

Just Found Out :
Blind Sided

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CometGirl ( member #56179) posted at 8:26 PM on Monday, October 25th, 2021

Don’t forget to get tested for STD’s. You’re doing go.

posts: 90   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2016
id 8695011
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scaredwoman ( member #78680) posted at 8:33 PM on Monday, October 25th, 2021

I'm so sorry.

posts: 195   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
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 CereBella (original poster new member #79510) posted at 9:01 PM on Monday, October 25th, 2021

I've gotten a bunch of text messages today about how overwhelmed and anxious he is today. How he knows that he needs to change and he knows that he made huge mistakes. Here's the kicker though... he said those mistakes were necessary for him to get the help he needs to change. It's almost like he's framing this as a "blessing in disguise", which tells me he has learned NOTHING, and is still trying to rationalize and justify his behavior. I hope his therapist can see through his crap and get him to a place eventually where he understands what true accountability is.

Maybe, with therapy, he could eventually change or be a better person, but after 18 years (and I'm fairly confident now, that I was being cheated on in some fashion the entire time) I just don't have the energy to invest anything more into this relationship.

He keeps saying how much he does love me, that I will always be special to him, and "if it's meant to be, then we will work out". What kind of crap is that? At this point, there is nothing that I look back on fondly from our time together, because I realize it was all a lie. Now I have to pick up the pieces of my life, shattered because of what he did.

I read somewhere that being the betrayed spouse is like having to serve the time for a crime you didn't commit, and I couldn't agree more. I'm the one who's hurting and devastated, who's life us being turned upside down because of the selfish actions of other people.

I do have an appointment with my doctor for testing, and to discuss some short term anti-anxiety meds. Not something I ever envisioned having to go to the doctor for, but here I am I guess.

posts: 37   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2021
id 8695014
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Trapped74 ( member #49696) posted at 10:20 PM on Monday, October 25th, 2021

Get him the rest of his shit, then block him! Once you settle on an attorney, send STBXWH the lawyer's info, then wipe your hands of this guy. He doesn't get it, will never get it, Will. Not. Change.

Many DDays. Me (BW) 46 Him (WH) 49
Happily detached and compartmentalized.

posts: 174   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Oregon
id 8695024
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 CereBella (original poster new member #79510) posted at 4:42 PM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

It's amazing, once the truth comes out, how more and more follows. I don't know how I could be so blind and complacent, especially after the first affair, but now I'm learning more about who my husband really is, and it's just making me sick. He can deny what's in those anonymous letters I've been getting all he wants, but I'm realizing that everything in them is true.

WH used to have a great relationship with his family before the first A. His cousins were like his best friends and we did stuff with them all of the time. After I found out about the first A, and moved out, he continued to hang out with them for a while, but when we got back together he convinced me that they were toxic and full of drama, and that we were better off not being around them. Once of his cousin's hd a GF that was legitimately pretty obnoxious and immature, and she did start a lot of drama within the group, but it was easy enough to ignore her. Anyway, we really stopped hanging out with them after that first separation and I haven't seen any of them in years.

I ran into one of his cousins out of the blue last night, like the Universe just wanted it to happen or something, and he asked how things were going. I told him it was funny I was running into him now because we were right back where we started the last time I had seen him. He said he was sorry, and always thought I deserved much better than my husband. He never wanted to get in the middle of it back then (which I understand, because it's his family) but he thought that my husband was an idiot and felt bad for me. He said that leading up to the affair, and after I found out and moved out, my WH seemed to be on some sort of mission to "fuck anything that walked". He was not shy about it and justified it since "we were separated" (even though his cheating was the reason we were separated, so it's not like this was new).

I remember back then, some things that happened that I think I wanted to ignore because of the shock and pain I was in. After we separated the first time, I would run into friends and acquaintances who would tell me things after they found out we were separated. One girl, who was a friend in our "circle" told me that my H had always "creeped her out". Another person who went to our gym and was dating a girl that worked there told me that all of the girls who worked the front desk at the gym were creeped out by my H.

The real kicker, that I should have paid more attention to at the time, was a girl who was also in our circle of friends. She texted me one night, a couple of months after I had moved out, and told me that my H was texting her and trying to hook up with her. She shut him down and immediately contacted me. Her and I got together the next day so she could show me the texts and he was blatantly trying to hook up with her. He wanted to know what she was up to that night, and when she said she was just hanging out with friends he wanted to know "if she wanted to get in a little trouble with him". When she shut him down and said she couldn't do that because she was my friend and that she wasn't interested, he didn't stop. He was just like "well if you change your mind, I've wanted to get into trouble with you for a long time now". Then she stopped responding and told me everything. To this day, she is the only girl who came forward right away and told me what was happening and I will always appreciate and respect her for her honesty.

It's obvious that back then, he was basically a predator, so why would I be stupid enough to think anything would change. When we got back together, we never went to counseling, never "did the work" we needed to, so I shouldn't be at all surprised that this is where we're at again now. I think I wanted to believe that what he was doing before was just a phase, or some sort of early midlife crisis. I rationalized it away, and this is where it got me. Now he has a career that allows him one on one access to a lot of women, and I think he abuses his position to form unethical relationships with them. The last letter I got basically said just that. He does therapeutic body work, so he's one on one with them, behind closed doors, and because he's dealing with people in pain (and getting them out of pain) there's a lot of opportunity for transference, especially if he's behaving in a way that encourages it.

After that conversation with his cousin last night, I'm left feeling like an idiot for not seeing this sooner, or ignoring all of the glaring red flags from the first time around. There is STILL a part of me that wants to believe this isn't really true, but I just can't be that blind anymore.

posts: 37   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2021
id 8695129
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Beentheredonethat1 ( new member #79485) posted at 3:28 AM on Wednesday, October 27th, 2021

Good for you that means that you are finally coming out of your own fog.

posts: 28   ·   registered: Oct. 14th, 2021   ·   location: Florida
id 8695228
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 CereBella (original poster new member #79510) posted at 3:51 AM on Saturday, October 30th, 2021

I don't think I was really prepared for how hard this was going to be. As the anger wavers, and the sadness sets in, I just get stuck on the fact that almost twenty years of my life are being thrown away. My WH doesn't want to file divorce papers right now... he is starting therapy (has his second appointment next week) and wants to give it a year to see how he does with therapy. He says he doesn't want to be this person anymore, but I'm just so shellshocked, I don't know which way is up, much less if I can believe anything that comes out of his mouth right now.

I feel like all signs point to him being a terrible candidate for R (he's a serial cheater, with multiple flings and this is the second "significant" affair I have found out about). Has anyone heard of a success story where a couple actually was able to R when there was serial, long term cheating going on?

posts: 37   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2021
id 8695810
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Blandy ( member #79252) posted at 4:00 AM on Saturday, October 30th, 2021

The question becomes, what do YOU want? I would hate to see you railroaded into an R if you're not wanting one.

posts: 106   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8695811
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 CereBella (original poster new member #79510) posted at 4:17 AM on Saturday, October 30th, 2021

I honestly don't know what I want right now... other than the last 18 years of my life back. I would love for our marriage to work out, for him to get help nd become a better person, but I just don't know if I believe that it's possible. The more that I think about the situation, the more I am sure he was doing this for the majority of our marriage. It's hard to think about saving something that was a complete lie... I don't even know what I'd be saving. Maybe I'm not even in love with him... only the person I thought he was.

posts: 37   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2021
id 8695814
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 4:49 AM on Saturday, October 30th, 2021

The more that I think about the situation, the more I am sure he was doing this for the majority of our marriage. It's hard to think about saving something that was a complete lie... I don't even know what I'd be saving. Maybe I'm not even in love with him... only the person I thought he was.

That´s your answer right there, your M has been a sham, he´s a proven SERIAL CHEATER and liar, please end this farce and don´t look back. Don´t forget to get tested for STDs/STIs, yes he's been playing russian roulette with your health even during a pandemic no less. File for D and get out of infidelity.

posts: 2473   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
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 CereBella (original poster new member #79510) posted at 6:17 AM on Saturday, October 30th, 2021

The OW's husband asked me to "check" on their situation tonight because he had a suspicion my WH was at their place tonight (the OW's husband works out of state). So I drove over there, and sure enough, his car was in the driveway... even though he was supposed to come to our place tonight to get some of his stuff. He told me he wasn't feeling well so he was going back to his Mom's (where he's been staying since I kicked him out). He clearly has no intention of staying away from her, and as much as I feel for the OW's husband (he wants his marriage to work out), they are his problem now. I have to wash my hands of him and this whole situation. I am just livid right now... he couldn't even come get his crap - he had to lie to me to get out of that to spend time with her too. I also don't know what kind of idiot the OW is... she's not the only one, and she was the one who found out about another one which is why she threatened to tell me, resulting in him admitting their affair to me in the first place. They deserve each other.

posts: 37   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2021
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 6:29 AM on Saturday, October 30th, 2021

That's so messed up. At least you have an answer to his latest gaslighting...

My WH doesn't want to file divorce papers right now... he is starting therapy (has his second appointment next week) and wants to give it a year to see how he does with therapy.


My question is what would keeping you on the back burner for a year achieve? Are there financial issues or something like that in the works? Inheritances? Loans? Why a year?

I'll be honest with you... I'd see an attorney as soon as possible, I'd freeze my credit, and I'd make sure that he can't pull any bullshit. This just sucks. I'm so sorry. sad

((huge hugs))

posts: 4676   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8695822
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 CereBella (original poster new member #79510) posted at 7:00 AM on Saturday, October 30th, 2021

My question is what would keeping you on the back burner for a year achieve? Are there financial issues or something like that in the works? Inheritances? Loans? Why a year?

I think the "one year" timeline is something he latched onto because I suggested it when I first found out and was on the fence about considering R. I knew I shouldn't make any snap decisions in the moment, so I said we'd both go to counseling and give it a year and see where things were at that point. I think he also is nervous without the financial stability that my career provides. He is a small business owner, and when he has slower months, it doesn't really affect things too much, because my salary is the same. I also make more than he does (though not by a ton) so he worries about his ability to keep the lifestyle he's used to on just his income. I also am our "admin" so to speak - I handle all of the bills, taxes, licenses for his business, etc. He's terrible at that stuff.

There is something odd about his inability to let me go too... when I learned of the first A, and we separated for 2 years, he refused to go forward with a divorce then too. For some reason, he never wants to let me go... he says he loves me, we are best friends, our life together is great, etc - I think he just wants to have his cake and eat it too. He doesn't want to lose me, but not enough to stop sleeping around.

posts: 37   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2021
id 8695824
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 9:02 AM on Saturday, October 30th, 2021

I see so much of my story in yours.

I spent 35 years with a serial cheating husband, until he passed in early 2020. Sure, some progress was made in his recovery but now I feel that he was just whiteknuckling it until the dust settled and he could get back to his booze and chasing women. My WH wasted 35 years of my life. And I think about often now.

For some reason, he never wants to let me go... he says he loves me, we are best friends, our life together is great, etc - I think he just wants to have his cake and eat it too. He doesn't want to lose me, but not enough to stop sleeping around.

I swear someone needs to write The Cheaters Handbook and call it just that. My WH practically treated me the exact same way as yours did. My WH and I were best friends too. We also did a lot of fun together. But that wasn't enough for me to ever feel safe or ever trust him again after he did what he did. It just wasn't going to happen.

A good husband and good man would never make you feel the way your WH is making you feel. I am wondering if there is a term that would describe these type of men; sociopath, psychopaths, Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD)? I am thinking that my WH was a Sociopath. I mean, their behavior is very disturbing and distorted. This is not normal behavior.

I also wanted and deserved a man who was faithful to me and had my best interests at heart. My WH actions were so selfish and his actions caused me to shut down, put walls up, lose my trust in him too. And he also never wanted to let me go either because I was his safety net, a soft place to land, a stable environment. I deserved so much more respect than just being his doormat and so do you.

After my experiences, in most instances I don't advocate for R, especially in your situation. Your WH will continue to string you along, promise you the moon, say the things that you want to hear, as long as he possibly can and will still continue to chase other women. That is just who he is. And then you will end up like me, brokenhearted anyways. The emotional pain that he causing you is just not worth it.

I say to dump his sorry ass and never look back. Let him sink. If anything will wake him up it would be this. He is just thinking about himself anyway.

More than likely,he's not going to change. I don't hold out much hope for men like him. He likes variety, just like my WH did. I wasn't special to him and unfortunately your WH doesn't hold you in high regard either. He is just using you for his own gain.

I don't know why we clearly can't see the damage this behavior causes us and how we could even begin to love or try to work it out with men who so blatantly can behave with such low morals, disrespect and cruelty.

You must be so embarrassed by his creepy behavior. I remember years ago when my WH always took the heat off himself and pointed out other creepy guys doing the same creepy things he apparently was doing. Ick. I'm so embarrassed and humiliated for you. I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this too.

posts: 740   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8695828
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:55 PM on Saturday, October 30th, 2021

The longer you are legally married is how long you are responsible for him and any debts he incurs.

Legally you are responsible for him under a variety of circumstances such as tax obligations or possible medical expenses.

You filed your taxes jointly in the past? You are responsible if he committed fraud.

This issue is not just the emotional betrayal — it’s more than that. Please be smart and protect yourself.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10890   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8695844
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 2:14 PM on Saturday, October 30th, 2021

This is an addiction. I think many times this one is harder to give up than alcohol or drug addictions. Those two begin to rot the brain and damage the organs of the body until the drugs kill. Sex addiction and gambling addiction have no physical damage to the person unless they develop a disease from a partner they’ve had. Your husband loves the high he gets from all of this. There’s probably no other high like it except in the very beginning of drug addiction. That goes away once the drug takes hold of the brain but in the case of sex addiction it can last the rest of your life. I’m sorry that this is happened to you. I just think it’s time for you to look at how to live your life without him.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 3000   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8695861
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BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 3:21 PM on Saturday, October 30th, 2021

You seem to already be embracing this understanding, but you were in love with and were best friends with who you thought he was. You are realizing that was an illusion--possibly for the entirety of your relationship. If that is true, how can he now become the man he never was?

Even now, motives for wanting to stay married and try for R are suspect and, as you recently found out, he is still lying and cheating out of one side of his mouth as he talks about "wanting to work on himself" and try for R out of the other side of his mouth.

I think he also is nervous without the financial stability that my career provides....so he worries about his ability to keep the lifestyle he's used to on just his income. I also am our "admin" so to speak - I handle all of the bills, taxes, licenses for his business, etc. He's terrible at that stuff.

There is something odd about his inability to let me go too... when I learned of the first A, and we separated for 2 years, he refused to go forward with a divorce then too. For some reason, he never wants to let me go... he says he loves me, we are best friends, our life together is great, etc - I think he just wants to have his cake and eat it too. He doesn't want to lose me, but not enough to stop sleeping around.

He has been and still is doing what serves his wants, needs, and desires. He has been and still is self-focused.

What he says is meant to make sure his needs and desires continue to he met.

Look at his actions. What do they reveal?

You regret the years you now feel you have lost in a relationship that wasn't what you believed it was. How will you feel if you invest another 18 years, or 10...or even 1 more?

Go silent with him again. Maybe (to be safe from him) under the guise of each of you needing to focus on yourselves and your own healing.

Give yourself the gift of distance and time to yourself. Keep yourself healthy and strong. Move forward with plans for yourself and what heals you and makes you happy.

You'll find your way. And you'll be more and more certain how to proceed to ensure your own happiness.

Me=BW
WH had online affairs
Married 30 yrs now
2 kids, both in HS
Dday#1=2/7/20
Dday#2=2/12/20
Dday#3=2/17/20
Dday#4=11/25/20...1st A with cOW was actually 2 1/2 years
BW & WH in IC & MC. Working toward R, but day by day

posts: 77   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8695874
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 CereBella (original poster new member #79510) posted at 3:31 PM on Saturday, October 30th, 2021

I swear someone needs to write The Cheaters Handbook and call it just that. My WH practically treated me the exact same way as yours did. My WH and I were best friends too. We also did a lot of fun together. But that wasn't enough for me to ever feel safe or ever trust him again after he did what he did. It just wasn't going to happen.

A good husband and good man would never make you feel the way your WH is making you feel. I am wondering if there is a term that would describe these type of men; sociopath, psychopaths, Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD)? I am thinking that my WH was a Sociopath. I mean, their behavior is very disturbing and distorted. This is not normal behavior.

I hate that there are others who have experienced the same situation that I am in right now, but I also appreciate not being alone. Just hearing other's stories on this site has been a resource for me, and has helped me to move forward with that I know I have to do. Just like with your husband, I don't think mine can/will change at this point. He's almost 50 years old, and this has become a way of life for him now. I'm pretty sure he's been doing it for most of our marriage, and has just gotten progressively better at hiding it. When he changed careers 7 years ago and began doing therapeutic bodywork, it just gave him the perfect "hunting grounds" to find new victims to seduce. It's too easy for him and I just don't think he can stop.

My therapist has indicated, multiple times, that she believes he suffers from a personality disorder. She can't diagnose him since she has never met him, but she said that many of things I have told her about him and his behavior makes her think he has one. She also thinks that people with personality disorders can "change" to an extent. She used type one diabetes as an analogy... a personality disorder can't be "cured" - it will always be there (like a life long disease) - but if the person is committed to getting better and managing their disorder, then they can function as healthy individuals eventually. I just don't think my husband is interested in managing his. I think lying comes to him as easily as breathing now, and whatever he gets out of the cheating, the manipulating, and the lying, is just too alluring to him.

I have already consulted an attorney, and she sent over paperwork on Friday that I can sign and send back if I want to get the process started. I am going to get it filled out this weekend and get it back to her, along with the retainer, next week. I just need to get the ball rolling and never look back.

The funny thing, is after I found his car at the OW's place last night, I texted him and told him he was caught, and to never come near me again. He hasn't even responded yet... I'm sure he's busy trying to come up with the story that he thinks will get him out of this one.

posts: 37   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2021
id 8695875
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 4:17 PM on Saturday, October 30th, 2021

I think Cooley brought up some valid points about addiction. But what is even more concerning is why we would attract this personality type in the first place. You may want to dig deep about your why's. I believe this is where you will find your answers.

I grew up in chaos and addiction, so when my WH came along in my life, I was naturally attracted to him. And who "he was" easily fit into my comfort zone. He was comforting and yet chaotic and of course, an addict. And he also fit the best friends mold; provided for me and the kid's, lots of nice vacations, we always did things together, etc.

How was your upbringing, Cere? Have you been able to identify any traits of your WH that run parallel to your upbringing?

Interestingly for me is that there were a lot of accusations being thrown around between my parents about infidelity. Nothing was ever proven and both my parents took their dirty little secrets to their grave, just like my WH did!

Living in this crazy making will definitely take a toll on your brain. Hopefully, you are taking care of your needs while you navigate through this darkness.

I am telling you from my own personal experience is that your WH is not worth the pain he is causing you. Try not to get too caught up in how much he wants you because really, why he wants you has nothing to do with you. You are only there for his personal gain and needs. He has shown this to you over and over and over again. He is showing you who he really is. Now believe him.

One last thing, you can still love him from a distance... try to get some distance from you and him.

posts: 740   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8695879
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 CereBella (original poster new member #79510) posted at 7:14 PM on Saturday, October 30th, 2021

How was your upbringing, Cere? Have you been able to identify any traits of your WH that run parallel to your upbringing?

This is something I have discussed quite a bit with my therapist... I do have some trauma from my childhood that is unresolved, mostly from my parents being pretty detached emotionally. I grew up without a lot of outward affection and emotional validation. We were well off financially, and from the outside it seemed like I had a great life, but emotionally I was very lonely. I think when my love bombing husband came along, it was feeding that void for me and it was very addictive. I was willing to put up with just about anything, and overlook what should have been obvious red flags, because he made me feel loved and adored - something I had been missing while growing up.

Shit has hit the proverbial fan here today too... the OW's husband contacted me and asked if my WH and were still married, because he's been feeding the OW a load of crap about how we aren't even legally married, etc. I assured the OW's husband that we were still very much married, and I hadn't even filled out D paperwork yet, much less filed it. I did tell him that I intended to, that I was done with my WH, but that we have not taken any legal action yet. He asked if I had any proof of that, so he could show his wife that she was being lied to and played. I didn't go dig out our marriage certificate, but sent him screenshots of texts between my WH and myself, where he was asking me to hold off on filing divorce papers.

Apparently that did the trick... my WH texted me about an hour later saying that I "won" and had exposed him to everyone, and that he hoped I was happy now. He also told me to stop contacting the OW and her H or they would take out a restraining order on me - LOL. I told him that the OW's H had contacted ME, not the other way around, asking if we were still married, and I simply told the truth. I also doubt they would seek a restraining order on someone they were contacting for information. I also told him that there were no "winners" here... only pain and drama because of his lies. I can't believe that he's trying to blame me for his house of cards falling down, when HE is the only one to blame here for his actions and lies. Then he said "at least we can move on now, knowing that it would never work between us"... LMAO - oh, you mean because now you know I won't protect you and keep your secrets and allow you to use me as a doormat? Yeah, glad we cleared that up finally.

posts: 37   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2021
id 8695906
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