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I got a hotel room to get away, I'm just tired of the whole thing. (Rant)

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 lumpygravy (original poster member #11877) posted at 2:36 AM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

On advice of a close friend I got a hotel room for the night, maybe more. Didn't tell the wife, didn't tell the kid. Just weeks and months and years of no truth or intimacy or honesty and just living like roommates. We're married on paper only. We have no passion. None.

15 years ago I had to do all the work to snap her out of the fog. I had to get the therapists, I followed along with her to work when she went out of town, I brought her drinks every morning to work, I sang songs for her, said I was sorry, acted like it was my problem to solve. I did the pick me dance and it took months for her to apologize but she still says to this day that "nothing would have happened." Uh huh. Even though you kissed him a couple times. Even though you told him you weren't shaved. Even though you talked about being on your period. Even though you said you could give him a blow job in the garage. But nothing would have happened, it wasn't serious.

5 years ago she tried to get with a dude at a remote job who couldn't speak English. She pursued him and wanted him so badly. You could tell! Such passionate and excited words! I still have the messages where she texted her sister and the messages to his friend who was the interpreter.

"It's getting hard to resist him!"
"He is hot!"
"He is married, we could have had fun."
"He is a good kid, I wish I could have found out how good. ;)"
"Just tell him I think he is adorable. I don't know how to say that in Spanish.

He shot her down though. "I got my answer... :("

To say nothing of the Instant Messaging shit she pulled in our first year of marriage. Talking about her body, him asking where she could put a stuffed animal - "The warmest spot!" Her looking at weather and driving directions to Tennessee where he lived. That was the first year.

She can't find time for therapy. It's too expensive. Meanwhile I've been in therapy for 8 years on and off over this.

And she can't find time for intimacy with me. Right now it's been 3 months. We've gone 10 months before. I'm tired. I can't do that. I'll give you a blow job tomorrow? Sure there's hysterical bonding after discovery, but that lasts a couple months.

So I left. I got a hotel room for myself. Didn't tell anyone. Let her figure it out.

Here come the texts.

"Where are you?"
"You have to tell me why, did I do something or not do something?"
"You know I don't feel well when I don't know where you are."

I just tell her I am in a safe place and I am trying to think about stuff and decompress.

"What stuff? What is wrong?"

I will talk to you when I am ready to talk about stuff. Right now I'm just trying to have some time to myself and decompress.

"I'm just going to sit here and not do anything until you get back."
"Can you at least tell me where you are?"

I'm at a hotel.

"What??? Why??? What did I do now?"
"You have to tell me why. What am I supposed to tell Daughter?"

You can tell her the truth, or you don't have to tell her anything, she's 23, she's an adult.

"She's going to ask why?"

It's really none of her business.

"It must be pretty bad if you can't even come home and face me."


So here we are. I feel bad. But for gods' sakes, she really doesn't know? She really... doesn't... know?

BS: Me WS: Her M: 26 Years Daughter: 24
DDays: 1996, 8/2006, 5/2016
1st: Online, 2nd: EA/PA, 3rd: She got shot down
Starting to take care of myself.

posts: 123   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2006
id 8690562
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LostOpportunities20 ( member #74401) posted at 3:12 AM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

I'm not gong to get into anything regarding your relationship - I am unfortunately in the same boat of just putting up with shit (relatively speaking).

But...if you need to take a break, take a break. It sounds like your daughter is an adult, so hopefully there are no other little ones at home.

If not, take all the time you need.

Sending prayers.

BH (late 40s)
WW (late 40s) EA 2008, EA/probably PA 2009

Confessed the first, I caught her the second.

Filing for D

posts: 116   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2020
id 8690564
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AllIam ( new member #79188) posted at 3:13 AM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

Good for you. Enjoy every moment while you're there. Take care of yourself. Order pizza, beer and desert too. You don't have to share with anyone.

I've been thinking of doing the same thing. I just need to get away to clear my head. A safe place where I can shut the world out is what I need.


Why are our spouses so dense? Why don't they get it? I'll never understand. It's so frustrating!

posts: 30   ·   registered: Jul. 28th, 2021
id 8690565
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 3:16 AM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

Drop the hopium pipe and get on with your life. If this is a ploy to manipulate her it won’t work long term.

Good time to download and read ‘No More Mr Nice Guy’ by glover. It’s a free pdf and short.

Banging your head against that wall didn’t get you anywhere. Try something else.

[This message edited by Marz at 3:06 PM, Tuesday, October 5th]

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8690567
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 3:17 AM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

Why are our spouses so dense? Why don't they get it? I'll never understand. It's so frustrating!

Mainly because they get away with it and learn how they can treat you.

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8690568
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 3:18 AM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

Why are our spouses so dense? Why don't they get it? I'll never understand. It's so frustrating!

Mainly because they get away with it and learn how they can treat you.

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8690569
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fareast ( member #61555) posted at 3:20 AM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

Sorry you are going through this now. Sounds from your description that you rugswept her A and she believes all is forgotten and Okay! Do you think she is actively cheating? If not, better now than never to lay out your expectations and boundaries for your M. You have allowed this limbo to go on too long and it is eating away at you. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2852   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8690571
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 3:21 AM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

Get some self respect and refuse to accept the unacceptable. If not you’ll just get more.

[This message edited by Marz at 3:22 AM, Tuesday, September 28th]

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8690573
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 3:28 AM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

I can't tell what you're trying to accomplish. What you've described is pretty passive-aggressive though, which is something to which very few people will respond well. Your better bet would have been to be direct in your communications and THEN go spend the night decompressing at a hotel if it didn't go your way. You might punch into your browser, "Four Horseman Gottman" and read the article you find, along with its extensions. This will give you insight into the kind of communications errors which can tank your marriage.

If my fWH pulled something like this on me, I'd think he was cheating. And if I found out he was just fucking with my mind.. he'd be welcome to stay at the hotel too. Just sayin'.

posts: 4676   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8690574
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 3:33 AM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

Good for you, take as much time as you need. Ignore the naysayers. Do what is right for you. She doesn't get it and is so confused? Too bad.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4387   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8690576
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 3:33 AM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

LumpyGravy,

You wrote, We have no passion. None.

Many wives never catch on that their BHs have been living an empty sex life after their affairs, like their BHs are a piece of furniture stuffed with money. This happens even after some aborted affairs.

What the hell do they get out of a passionless relationship with a man who is always less than their fantasy man.

Good work standing up for yourself, now get a polygraph and timeline as a MINIMUM condition to consider reconciliation.

posts: 1073   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8690577
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 3:45 AM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

She doesn't get it and is so confused? Too bad.

To what purpose? What gets solved? Certainly, whatever problem is going on in the relationship isn't going to be solved like this. So, what is gained?

posts: 4676   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8690580
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 3:57 AM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

To what purpose? What gets solved?

Exactly what LG said - he gets the space that he needs to decide if he would rather D. He's thinking and decompressing. Some people are only able to do that alone.

Certainly, whatever problem is going on in the relationship isn't going to be solved like this. So, what is gained?

It's not about fixing the relationship. The relationship may very well be over. It's about what LG needs in which his post was very clear about. It's only passive aggressive if this is some ploy to force his WW to act a certain way. If he is just done, it's a reasonable decision.

posts: 5068   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8690583
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 4:04 AM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

Well you didn’t exactly go NC. So since you are messaging with her I’d tell her the truth.

You have spent your marriage pursuing everyone but me. I can no longer live like this, as little more than roommates.

You clearly are not attracted to me and put in practically no effort at romance.

I need time to think about what I want for the rest of my life. I think we both deserve better than what we have right now.

Then go NC if you can. Remember if she steps up, it may be short lived.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3225   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8690585
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 4:05 AM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

Why not just tell her that and THEN go to the hotel. I don't get what's accomplished this way.

posts: 4676   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8690586
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 4:09 AM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

He told her where he was and why he was there. He's a grown adult and he has every right to take a night or however long to himself to decompress and think about things. I don't think the "how is this going to fix the marriage" applies in this case. The marriage is pretty well broken at the moment and it sounds like he needs this time and space for his own sanity. This falls under "self-care" in my opinion.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4633   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8690587
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 5:07 AM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

This hotel flight feels good for the moment, like you've exhibited a bit of temporary control over your plight but, is not a definitive solution.

It is a bit passive aggressive as Chamomile Tea states, if you're just doing this to get her attention, and perhaps sympathy-that she is apparently incapable of, and won't bare fruit unless you follow through and use this time away to contemplate your future and develop an exit strategy from this hell.

This is no way to live Brother. Alone with an unloving WS is worse than being alone in a hotel room. Life is a fleeting beautiful thing, don't squander another precious moment. Move on and fall in love with someone who deserves it and will reciprocate or, at least, love yourself.

posts: 731   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8690590
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 11:15 AM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

Friend - when you eventually go home snd have a conversation, and your WW says "what’s wrong", please don’t say "nothing." Spell it out in black and white. Write it down beforehand so you don’t miss anything. Your requirements should be on that list.

posts: 175   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8690604
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 2:11 PM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

I agree with the posters recommending you make it very clear why you are dissatisfied with your wife/marriage.

Maybe you first need to get away for your mental health and to prepare your thoughts. That's fine.

I'm not great at face to face confrontation it often feels like an ambush or neither is listening to the other.

So I prefer to first provide a list/write it out and give them time to digest it - then follow up for a discussion.

Stevesn provided you with a pretty good outline. Just add dates, names, and examples.

posts: 2452   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8690622
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 3:07 PM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

I can't tell what you're trying to accomplish. What you've described is pretty passive-aggressive though, which is something to which very few people will respond well. Your better bet would have been to be direct in your communications and THEN go spend the night decompressing at a hotel if it didn't go your way. You might punch into your browser, "Four Horseman Gottman" and read the article you find, along with its extensions. This will give you insight into the kind of communications errors which can tank your marriage.

I'm with think CT.

It would be better for you if you had faced your W, told her you needed space, and then left.

Right now, you blame your W for your choices. But she didn't make you rugsweep; you chose to. She didn't make you do the pick-me dance; you chose to.

You're blame-shifting, lumpy. I hope you get the help you need to take responsibility for yourself, figure out what you want, and go for it.

*****

OTOH, this may be a good way to exact revenge. In any case, disappearing is a hell of a lot better than conducting your own 'Revenge' Affair.

*****

I'm really sorry you're in so much pain that you did this in this way. Again, I hope you find good help - as in a good IC.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26262   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8690630
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