SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I agree that disappearing is passive-aggressive and not good for the marriage, but maybe being PA was the point. Maybe you don't give a shit about the marriage anymore. It's not healthy to act in a sideways manner instead of being direct, but I get it.

Is it time to move on?

I'm another vote for more direct communication.

I have seen some stories about people having their M whither and die over a long period of time. I can't help but feel like you might be like another poster that would feel relief if your wife would just cheat again and give you what you felt was enough of a reason to finally hit eject.

No one is keeping you where you are. You aren't telling her how you are still hurt. You aren't telling her what things she is doing well and poorly at, and has no way to correct course. Many people say a WS should just figure it out, but if they had good internal dialog and decision-making they wouldn't have ended up in an A. You have to communicate your feelings, she isn't a mind reader. She can't know that it was her A 15 years ago that is still driving you mad if you don't tell her that.

From your perspective, you have been fighting this EVERY SINGLE DAY. And she hasn't seen it. Because you hold it inside. You don't tell her you are fighting, or feeling bitter. Finally you snap, and even in finally doing something about your emotional exhaustion, you haven't told her, "The problem is your A. Ever since, I haven't trusted you, and our passion as a couple has died. I can't keep on pretending things are fine when I feel like I'm dying inside. I never get to relax when I'm around you because there is a part of my brain still telling me you aren't safe and that I need to run."

I don't know, something like this. I'm not trying to blameshift here. I'm not trying to say she has put in enough effort to heal. She probably hasn't.

I hope you find the right words to express your true feelings. Maybe consider writing your wife a letter on the topic.

Sending strength.

I don't think lumpygravy needs to have another conversation/confrontation with his wife. She has been cheating on him their entire marriage and the evidence he knows about is probably only the tip of the iceberg. Her responses in the thread lumpygravy posted do not demonstrate that she is genuinely bewildered by why her husband left or concerned for his wellbeing... she is panicked because she believes that he has made new discoveries, which is why all of questions center around trying to get him to reveal what he knows.

Lumpygravy, you know deep down in your heart that your wife doesn't love you and that you're the only person in this marriage who living in celibacy. You're in a state of complete turmoil because this is not a healthy way to live the rest of your life.

Maybe this could also be a cry for help. I hope OP gets the help he needs. This is a long time to be in limbo I'm so sorry

I understand why you've done this. But I think it will make things harder for you.

She's going to assume you are in the hotel room with another woman. She will believe you are cheating. And THIS will be her excuse when you discover her next affair. She will claim its a revenge affair.

You know I don't feel well when I don't know where you are."

This caught my eye.

Cheaters always want to know exactly where their BS is. So they know they can do what they're doing,and not get caught.

I know this has been a long standing problem for you. Reading your posts from 2012 you were 6 years out from your dday for WW's EA. But still hurting. It seems the same problems still exist 9 years later. What has changed since 2012? Do you believe that you have reached the end and need to D?

Still there Lumpy? What have you done the last few days? How can we help you?

I don't think lumpygravy needs to have another conversation/confrontation with his wife. She has been cheating on him their entire marriage and the evidence he knows about is probably only the tip of the iceberg. Her responses in the thread lumpygravy posted do not demonstrate that she is genuinely bewildered by why her husband left or concerned for his wellbeing... she is panicked because she believes that he has made new discoveries, which is why all of questions center around trying to get him to reveal what he knows.

Exactly. She knows why he left, all her questions were a fishing expedition to find how how much he knows. He’s for sure running away from his problems, and this trip had an element of passive aggressiveness, but it doesn’t matter because communication isn’t the problem in this marriage. And maybe did just needed a damn break. Hope everything is all right with him.

This caught my eye.

Cheaters always want to know exactly where their BS is. So they know they can do what they're doing,and not get caught.

Noticed that too.

Hi everyone. I am sorry I ghosted this thread it was mostly due to shame.

Let me say what happened that night.

I of course, caved.

Her: "Just wanted to say good night and I love you."

I said I loved her too, and I never stopped.

Her: "I know. Whatever this is I'm sorry."

Me: "How can you be sorry if you don't know what it is? And how can you seriously not know what it is?"

Her: "You have to tell me where. Or better yet just come home."

Me: "GIVES LOCATION, I'm not leaving tonight."

Her: "Why not, please just tell me what is wrong."

ME: I gave the location again.

She ended up coming by and we talked. She really wanted me to come home.

We talked for about 1.5 hours, about everything again. I was sad, but not super upset. I said I was tired of playing pick me so many years after the affairs, and there are days I know she doesn't believe they were real. She said she just tried not to think about it. I said that's not working for me.

She then said something interesting, that she has stood aside and been the biggest cheerleader on the sidelines for me. And it's true, I've blossomed in the last few years. Graduated college, volunteered, been active in local community theater. But... being my biggest cheerleader... isn't that called being a spouse? I wasn't wise enough to notice that at the time.

I said intimacy is nonexistent, the noise from the affairs is still so loud, we never processed all of them, and above all, after knowing what it did to me in 2006... after you knew how much damage it did... you tried to do it again.

So we played the "What do you want to do," "No, what do you want to do," "What do you want to do," "No, what do you want to do," "What do you want to do," "No, what do you want to do" game for a couple minutes, and at that time the word divorce is right on my teeth.

I said I want you to find help. I want you to put in the effort I have over the years. I don't care what it is. Individual counseling, marriage counseling, whatever YOU think it's going to take to try to heal this. I want to see something, some effort. In the past you've said it's so expensive, divorce is more expensive. I need to see some effort in two weeks, something. Even if you just make calls.

She said she was sorry and she would do the work, I said I was going to hold her to that. We went home.

So how did it go?

Do tell Lumpy. Did she follow thru? Did she do ANYTNING?

She didn't do anything as far as I know. It's been 5 weeks. She's currently in another city working for her retail store, just as she was last week. I took vacation by myself last week just to hang out at home (mostly because I hit the cap at work lol).

We had one or two nights of intimacy, and it faded to just rote pecks on the mouth, and more of "We have to make time," stretching to "We didn't make time."

I had a bit of detached observation and just tried to soak it in. I kinda wallowed after 2 weeks, felt like I was just going to revert to the same patterns again. I started looking into divorce on a light level and saw due to income disparity and age and length of marriage I'd have to pay her a LOT of money ($2000) a month for the rest of her life. Just shellshocked.

Something has snapped though. I've been making changes, small ones. I looked at myself and started seeing just... ugh. I started walking/running again. I tell my wife I want to get back to losing weight; she says I'm fine, I say it's my decision. I'm not comfortable, I want to get back to my pre-covid weight. I looked at my clothes - boring. I took some chances and bought things I never would have, just to try. I joined Stitch Fix! That could be fun. And expensive.

And then after talking to friends... I contacted a few law offices yesterday, and while most of them were not really open to family law, I made a divorce consultation appointment with one next week. I am going to talk to them about filing. After making the appointment I just got wracked with emotion. The collapse type of wracked.

I took it a step further. I needed to talk to family. The only family person I ever talked to about this was my brother in 2006 after the PA, a hardcore religious person who was so proud of me for pushing down the emotions and staying with her. Again, I was shellshocked and just wanted someone to understand I was sad and hurt.

So last night I talked to my dad. He had no idea. I trust my dad with my life, and I felt so bad for lying to him all these years through omission. He's had a hard life; his wife has and still treats him like royal shit. So, I asked if he could go somewhere in the house where I could talk to him privately on the phone. I told him everything in detail. The first online one, the second PA, the third attempt. He knew I was sad, when I visited, that I had changed. I told him I was sorry that I lied to him all these years.

My dad doesn't cry, but he was really having issues during the call. He was so angry and sad, confused, and shocked. I felt guilty, he's 79 and I hated to burden him with it. He shut that down quickly and kept telling me I have nothing to hide from him and it's never a burden. That I was his son. It made me feel better as I was sobbing through the story.

Why did I tell him? I wanted an ally in my family and maybe I wanted some accountability from myself. Mostly I wanted to talk to my dad that I was sad, and tell him my truth.

So right now, it's waiting. Waiting until Tuesday and seeing what my next steps are. I don't know what I am going to walk in there with or out of there with. I don't know what I am willing to accept from any of this right now. I'm angry, sad, excited, anxious, and a little sick. But I think it's something.

Sometimes I go on SI to try and find approval, sympathy, or answers. I think this update was just me coming on to say what's happening.

Thank you for the update LG. You were absolutely right to tell your family, and IMO, you should tell hers as well. So many betrayed think this is only for some kind of "revenge" but it’s so not. There are MANY reasons to do this:

1. Most importantly, so you get the support you deserve
2. Not disclosing something that massive deliberately paints a false picture of reality
3. Adulterous spouses, FOR THEIR OWN GOOD, need consequences for their actions, lest high recidivism.

Your wife isn’t pulling her weight here. My advice is to file, and mean it. If she pulls a miracle out of her butt and you see sustained change in her over a long period of time, you can always delay or eventually cancel the D. She just MIGHT wake up but assume she won’t. Take ZERO stock in her works. It must be SIGNIFICANT action only in self-change that you put any credence in whatsoever.

Hang in there!

LG, this is a great update. You can do it. One step at a time. Don't make any decisions about D until you talk to a lawyer.

The only family person I ever talked to about this was my brother in 2006 after the PA, a hardcore religious person who was so proud of me for pushing down the emotions and staying with her. Again, I was shellshocked and just wanted someone to understand I was sad and hurt.

You must save the marriage and stay at all cost? Unfortunately as you’ve seen that cost has been all on you. Not uncommon advice from these types. Keep In mind most have no clue about the devastation of infidelity or the aftermath. Stay no matter what and just suck it up is bad advice.

Rugsweeeping can lead to long term problems. As you’ve seen.

Your wayward wife is fine with it because she was never on the receiving end. She’s learned how she can treat and manipulate you.

It’s no surprise you didn’t accomplish a thing.

The good thing is you are starting to realize you are the only one that’s keeping yourself in limbo.

Talk didn’t get you much and for the most part it doesn’t as you’ve seen.

You should download and read "No More Mr Nice Guy" by glover. It’s short and a free pdf.

Glad to see you putting yourself needs first.

Actually I think going to a hotel is fine. You need to be by yourself. Read, watch tv, go to a bar, movie, do nothing. If being with her is causing you this kind of stress you need to be totally honest with her. Saying nothing and sucking it up wrecks your health.
Why are you still in this head space? Why can’t you find some peace? If this marriage is doing you harm then face it and do something about it. This is your one life. You have better things to do than live in misery.
Sorry you hurt.

She didn't do anything as far as I know. It's been 5 weeks.

Yeah, that's a big problem right there.

She agreed to do something. To put in effort. But ultimately it's nothing. Just words.

When my wife agreed to put in effort and lead the path to healing, she later came back with a written plan to restore trust, heal, and reconcile and has executed it since.

I suspect, when you hit your wife with reality (yet again), she will beg and plead. But you need to tell her words mean nothing to you. Actions. So far her actions have been nothing. She hasn't had time to make a call to make an appointment? Bullshit. It's simply not a priority to her.

This0Is0Fine:

When my wife agreed to put in effort and lead the path to healing, she later came back with a written plan to restore trust, heal, and reconcile and has executed it since.

An important thing to mention here is that at the time that your wife did this, she knew for a fact that you had enough and that you were ready to divorce. Another important distinction is that you were pretty certain that her affair was completely over; I don't think lumpygravy has any reason to believe that his wife is faithful to him

I’m sorry for you LG. It is clear you are lost - or have lost some direction.

Maybe this will help.

Your marriage is not working for you. You have not been happy for some time.

You don’t need to rationalize her affair and her lack of effort or HER. What you need to is to separate HER from the equation and focus on YOU!

It sounds as though you both want a D but neither one wants to pull the trigger. It is not easy to face such a huge change. But it’s also depressing to think you will live like this in an unhappy marriage forever.

You deserve better. Please give yourself permission to say "this isn’t working and I need to make a change". And if you decide to Separate or D you know it’s ok. It’s the right thing to do.