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I got a hotel room to get away, I'm just tired of the whole thing. (Rant)

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 lumpygravy (original poster member #11877) posted at 3:36 AM on Sunday, November 7th, 2021

So here's a little update. I called my dad, he had to call me back past 10PM to avoid his wife being suspicious about why I am calling etc. He asks how I'm doing, I say I'm fine, I tell him that the consultation has been moved up to this Tuesday, and how I'm excited about that.

He then said:

"Is your wife out of town, still? Is she going to be in town next week?"

No. She's in town and is staying home for the foreseeable future.

"Have you thought about talking to your wife some more? Does she know you're going to do this? Are you sure you want to do this? You mom is really sick with kidney surgery coming up, and I'm worried about her. I don't know how she's going to take it. She's going to be really unhappy. Is your wife's mom still alive?"

Yeah, she's still alive.

"Her family is really going to be wondering what happened."

All they have to do is ask her.

So on and so forth.

I was LIVID. I don't get mad, I don't like to get mad. I don't want to get mad at my dad, but I went off.

Dad, I am miserable. I can't breathe. I am hyperventilating. My heart hurts. I don't sleep. And I can't help but feel like you are asking me to continue down the path I have been on for the last 15 years where I blame myself for the sake of other people, AGAIN. I don't want to look back when I am 70 and wish I had done something for myself today. I am already looking back every day. Every day is a day where I look back with bitterness. I should have done something 15 years ago. I should have done something 5 years ago. I need to do something now.

He softened, but kept trying to salt and pepper "well what about..." phrases and I just said DAD I AM FUCKING MISERABLE.

He feels for his son, but he is trying so hard to be a peacekeeper out of fear of his abuser. I have tried to get him out of that home. It's ridiculous. How can anyone willingly live like that?

"Have you told your brother?"

I'm not going to say anything to him until I know what happens after Tuesday. He told me to just eat the pain 15 years ago and I have no interest in going through that with him again.

So followers at home: Where do I get my passive, make-everyone-happy-instead-of-me attitude? Can anyone guess?

[This message edited by lumpygravy at 7:19 AM, Tuesday, November 30th]

BS: Me WS: Her M: 26 Years Daughter: 24
DDays: 1996, 8/2006, 5/2016
1st: Online, 2nd: EA/PA, 3rd: She got shot down
Starting to take care of myself.

posts: 123   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2006
id 8697326
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 4:06 AM on Sunday, November 7th, 2021

I’m am sorry your family has a different position about YOUR life.

FWIW my parents were "whatever" with me. Basically they had a "figure it out we don’t want to be involved" attitude.

You haven’t been in a marriage that has been healthy. And you are right - you do not want to look back and wish you had done something.

Right now you are doing something and that is at least acknowledging you need to make some changes to become happier.

I’m sorry your dad isn’t supportive. But maybe you need to stop trying to explain yourself to him. He doesn’t get it. And maybe you just need to accept he’s got a different position and move on.

He’s not living your hell. You are. It’s time to get out and do what is best for you.

I hope this helps you.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10890   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8697331
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 3:00 PM on Sunday, November 7th, 2021

I can't say what is right for you. I can only share my story.

Trauma informed counseling was a game changer for me. I qualified for free counseling because my husband breaking our sexual contract and lying about it not only exposed me to the possibility of fatal STDs, but, bonus, it qualified me for sexual assault counseling (my husband and I were in a one woman one man contract and I did not consent to opening the marriage much less to having sex with someone who lied about his risky sexual acts with others).


I no longer believe in "marriage for marriage sake". I now see my behavior of playing pick me and his blaming me for his sexual disinterest and our inability to have an honest conversation(because he lied about so many things). For me healthy sexuality is very important in marriage.


In retrospect, although I was terrified to leave, I believe I could have supported everyone important in my life AND myself without staying in a marriage where an affair was rugswept. I could have been in a marriage where healthy sexuality was embraced.

I will now only be in a relationship with someone who knows me and for whom I am an for whom I am an enthusiastic "yes"....


I wish you peace. I wish you healing. And I wish for you a relationship where you are someone's enthusiastic "yes".

posts: 793   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8697365
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 lumpygravy (original poster member #11877) posted at 3:11 AM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021

I went to the laywer's office, and had a good conversation. Talked about financial options, went through our debts and assets. I really thought it would be worse.

I would take an outlay against my 403(b) and will have to pay support to the end of her life. Support would be 1500-2000 a month.

EXCEPT.

I have the evidence of the multiple affairs which then becomes a negotiating card during mediation. If she wants to negotiate, the results can be laid out and say - $1000 a month and you walk away. If not, feel free to go to court and we can talk about them in detail, with evidence of her sister encouraging her to cheat on me and her conversations with the other men.

It's so upsetting, not just because of the broken house, but the years I lost waiting on her to take responsibility.

I am ready for the questions - why are you doing this to the family, to that I would say - "Why did you?"

So I filed. Aiming for December 1st. I have to be passive and just wait it out.

Tomorrow is our anniversary.

[This message edited by lumpygravy at 7:10 AM, Wednesday, November 10th]

BS: Me WS: Her M: 26 Years Daughter: 24
DDays: 1996, 8/2006, 5/2016
1st: Online, 2nd: EA/PA, 3rd: She got shot down
Starting to take care of myself.

posts: 123   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2006
id 8697793
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medieval ( new member #78429) posted at 5:23 AM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021

Tomorrow is our anniversary.

Treat it as just another day. Don't make any comment or remark about it, in fact don't even mention it. If your STBXW mentions it just say something like "oh is it? Funny how I forgot all about it, anyway I have stuff planned already" and then be out of the house for the day - hit the gym, go see friends, work back late, anything.

You are sending a message that as a day, it no longer holds any meaning - just another day that ends in "y".

Then go home really late, say you are tired and retire for the evening.

It's just another day in hell after all.

posts: 16   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8697815
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 12:35 PM on Wednesday, November 10th, 2021

Have you thought about talking to your wife some more?

Not uncommon. Most don’t know shit about infidelity or the damages/devastation it causes so just rugsweep and suck it up?

What they are saying is you don’t matter all that much.

[This message edited by Marz at 12:36 PM, Wednesday, November 10th]

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8697842
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 lumpygravy (original poster member #11877) posted at 3:06 AM on Saturday, November 13th, 2021

A few thoughts.

Wednesday's anniversary was uneventful. I got her a card, she got me a card. She loved the card.

And let me tell ya, the sheer amount of sexual satisfaction from the hug we shared that night. Woof. Anniversary hug.

Man.

Aaaaanyway - I've been on SI a bout 15 years now and I noticed that people were thinking I kept this all bottled up. In truth this comes out every 9-12 months where I get angry, mopey, or upset and then it all comes out. I can't handle the stress, the noise, the distrust, the idea that after she had a physical affair in 2006 and KNEW how it affected me... she did it again in 2016.

And the 2016 affair... it was so, just... disappointing. Yes, it was sad. Yes, I was heartbroken again. But mostly... I was disappointed. Angry at myself for staying and dragging her around to therapy just to have it happen again.

Last year around April I wailed in my car. Just let it all out. So loud that she could hear me through the car and the garage (!). I calmed down, came in and asked her if we split, what would she do?

"I'd go to Arizona to be with my sister."

"So why don't you just go?"

These instances would pop up every once in a while; we'd promise to make things better, some slight hypersexual bonding, and then... two weeks later we're roommates again.

And here's the thing: she doesn't want the marriage to end. And she does love me. Hell, I love her. But it's not passionate, and it's not trusting. And I cannot live my life like that. Always looking backwards. No more.

[This message edited by lumpygravy at 7:20 AM, Tuesday, November 30th]

BS: Me WS: Her M: 26 Years Daughter: 24
DDays: 1996, 8/2006, 5/2016
1st: Online, 2nd: EA/PA, 3rd: She got shot down
Starting to take care of myself.

posts: 123   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2006
id 8698259
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Repossessed ( member #79544) posted at 4:11 AM on Saturday, November 13th, 2021

LG, a couple of thoughts. Firstly, I'm in the camp saying good for you going to the hotel without notice or approval. I think there's value in exercising your agency in an out of character fashion. This isn't about sending her a message, but rather a first step in creating some autonomous momentum. A practice run at getting comfortable with prioritizing what you want(need?) in the moment.

That last sentence is uber important in the context of your family's feedback. Always do what's expected of you even if it comes at your expense. You've shouldered the albatross that is her long enough. Time for a respite and that may mean that others have to manage their own discomfort. You've taken it for the team long enough.

Autonomous momentum; it can be pretty damn invigorating when you take the step that makes you initially anxious. And it can lead to more invigorating steps. Believe this as its coming from a guy not so dissimilar to you. With a few of those steps behind you, the feeling of 'less trapped' starts to wash over you.

And how you 'feel' effing matters. <<< This is all important. I'm a data guy who minimized the value of my own emotions for years. No longer, and I'll just bet that whether you imagine it or not, the relief washing over you after throwing the change up will be cathartic.

Ignore the naysayers that attempt to characterize or label your actions in one way or another. Better yet, tell them to fuck off.

Here to keep myself mindful that I don't always see what actually is. I certainly didn't when I married her.

posts: 57   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2021   ·   location: Chicagoland
id 8698267
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 7:48 AM on Saturday, November 13th, 2021

And I cannot live my life like that. Always looking backwards. No more.

Google serial cheater so you know what you’re dealing with with. There’s nothing that says there won’t be a third time. Sorry

[This message edited by Marz at 7:49 AM, Saturday, November 13th]

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8698272
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 lumpygravy (original poster member #11877) posted at 11:27 AM on Saturday, November 13th, 2021

Marz - there actually were three - an online relationship in 1996.

So: 1996, 2006, 2016.

She's consistent at least.

BS: Me WS: Her M: 26 Years Daughter: 24
DDays: 1996, 8/2006, 5/2016
1st: Online, 2nd: EA/PA, 3rd: She got shot down
Starting to take care of myself.

posts: 123   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2006
id 8698280
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 12:04 PM on Saturday, November 13th, 2021

Sorry. It maybe 3 that you know about.

I have a 1st cousin who’s wife started cheating on him shortly after they were married. His firstborn son belongs to one of her affair partners. She never stopped. Some are just wired that way.

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8698283
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irwinr89 ( member #42457) posted at 12:37 AM on Monday, November 15th, 2021

here's the thing: she doesn't want the marriage to end. And she does love me. Hell, I love her. But it's not passionate, and it's not trusting. And I cannot live my life like that. Always looking backwards. No more

Love isn't all thou man, you gotta have the 3 legs for the tripod to stand.... Love, Respect and Trust, you only got one.... It will never work on one leg....if I were you after all you gone thru, it's time to file for D for your own mental health

posts: 60   ·   registered: Feb. 14th, 2014   ·   location: Miami
id 8698458
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 1:40 AM on Monday, November 15th, 2021

Autonomous momentum; it can be pretty damn invigorating when you take the step that makes you initially anxious.

This, This, and this!!! I remember at the 6 month mark after Dday, I knew I needed take a decision. I had set 6 months as the time frame in my mind for my WW to prove herself, and prove herself she did not let me tell you. So a couple of weeks before I finished work, I told a buddy I was planning on going for a solo motorcycle trip to clear my head. Didn't tell the WW until.a couple days before I left. Just said I'm leaving and if you have a problem with it, just deal with it.

It....was...fucking...awesome! Fort the first time in three decades I put myself first. Holy shit was it cathartic. I camped, watched sunsets, drank whiskey, smoked cigars and enjoyed the shit out of myself, all the while detoxing from my toxic marriage. It was the watershed moment in my journey where I realized that no one, and I mean no one but me looks out for me. Everything I've done for my WW every sacrifice every gallon of sweat and blood I have given, means Jack shit to her. She was only interested in what I could do next.

Divorcing soon...

Me:53STBXWW:51DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

posts: 1135   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8698469
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Repossessed ( member #79544) posted at 2:36 AM on Monday, November 15th, 2021

I camped, watched sunsets, drank whiskey, smoked cigars and enjoyed the shit out of myself, all the while detoxing from my toxic marriage.

Well damn... don't judge me, but I think I'd prefer this over heaven.

Here to keep myself mindful that I don't always see what actually is. I certainly didn't when I married her.

posts: 57   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2021   ·   location: Chicagoland
id 8698478
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countrydirt ( member #55758) posted at 4:26 AM on Monday, November 15th, 2021

It....was...fucking...awesome! Fort the first time in three decades I put myself first. Holy shit was it cathartic.


I had a friend who called this "masturdating". I thought it was such an appropriate name for it. Do what you want to do!

OP, I hope you get to the point where you can masturdate and enjoy it. It was so helpful for me.

3 adult sons
Married 32 years. DDay1 - June 2016, DDay 2 - April 2017, Final DDay - May 2020. Divorced - January 2021

posts: 330   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2016   ·   location: Colorado
id 8698484
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 1:56 PM on Monday, November 15th, 2021

And here's the thing: she doesn't want the marriage to end.

Of course not. She can eat cake as long as you let her.

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8698509
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 lumpygravy (original poster member #11877) posted at 2:10 PM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

I finally opened up to my brother and told him that I was filing for divorce. And his reaction was a little cold at first, and he was shocked, but after relaying the information he was palpably angry. He didn't know the extent of the infidelity. I got on him for 2006 where he told me just to stay together, and he said he really didn't know that it was THAT BAD. He thought it was just interest - not that she was offering oral sex. And wow did he squirm at the descriptions.

I have my brother's support. crying

We have such political and spiritual differences, but I have my brother's support.

Disclosure meeting with the lawyer is this Monday at 10:00.

BS: Me WS: Her M: 26 Years Daughter: 24
DDays: 1996, 8/2006, 5/2016
1st: Online, 2nd: EA/PA, 3rd: She got shot down
Starting to take care of myself.

posts: 123   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2006
id 8699043
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 lumpygravy (original poster member #11877) posted at 7:11 PM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021

Boys and girls:

I filed for divorce today.

Look at my registration date. 15 years.

She will be served early next week. I am going to talk to her this weekend.

It's going to be done soon.

I'm so thankful for this website, and the people who have taken it in their heart to help so many people including myself.

The journey isn't over, a different journey is about to begin. A hard sad journey. I'm going to be grieving for a long time and I will be using this site to help me through that as well. Just in a different way.

Everyone, be good to yourselves.

BS: Me WS: Her M: 26 Years Daughter: 24
DDays: 1996, 8/2006, 5/2016
1st: Online, 2nd: EA/PA, 3rd: She got shot down
Starting to take care of myself.

posts: 123   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2006
id 8699661
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 7:14 PM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021

We've got you. It's not so bad on the other side. You are going to be okay.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4634   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8699663
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 lumpygravy (original poster member #11877) posted at 3:04 PM on Friday, November 26th, 2021

Couple small updates.

Turned in my financials on Monday, had to resign the decree because of an incorrect date. They asked when and how I would like to file - I told them I really hope that she is not served by a Law Enforcement Officer as the initial delivery as I don't want this to start on an immediate adversarial foot. It will be sent Monday the 26th via certified mail and should be received at the house on Wednesday/Thursday.

I am going to tell her Sunday night to expect all of this. I have to be as emotionless as possible. I only have a framework of an idea what I want to say. I also have absolutely no idea how she will react. She has no idea what's coming. I want her to leave the house, but I don't think she will.

On Wednesday night I called my mom, the last person in my parental family who didn't know. I knew she was going be a tough nut, and she has a history of abuse that someday will need addressed. It went as expected.

We told you so, she's a heifer, she's a coward, she's probably going to move out to Az and shack up with a bunch of Mexicans, how can you respect yourself, you don't know how the law works, she should be paying you, if she dates someone else you don't owe her any money, you went to the wrong lawyers, pull your head out of your ass, you do NOT want to have any responsibility for that 24 year old child: she belongs with her mother.

Literally mocking everything I said, repeating it back to me in a sing-song voice of a bully. I took care of myself, I've lost weight, I have a lot of close friends who are supporting me, even this forum, etc., right back at me like every choice I have made for myself was wrong.

She made fun of the fact that I have friends who are supporting me.

Again, between my dad's passivity and mother's dominance WHERE DO I GET IT FOLKS?

[This message edited by lumpygravy at 3:06 PM, Friday, November 26th]

BS: Me WS: Her M: 26 Years Daughter: 24
DDays: 1996, 8/2006, 5/2016
1st: Online, 2nd: EA/PA, 3rd: She got shot down
Starting to take care of myself.

posts: 123   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2006
id 8700315
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