Newest Member: Jokeisonme


BS: Me WS: Her M: 26 Years
Daughter: 24 DDays: 1996, 8/2006, 5/2016
1st: Online, 2nd: EA/PA, 3rd: She got shot down
Divorced 3/22

Filing tomorrow - so... how do I tell my spouse?

So I am turning in financials tomorrow with my lawyer and I assume I will be approving and signing the divorce decree.

Now I *was* going to let the divorce decree get delivered to her as her official announcement from me, but my therapist felt that was a bad idea and I agree with her. Someone might find out early and tell her or she'd find out from the local newspaper, I have to get over any anxiety, and while she lowered the boom on me with multiple affairs out of the blue: I AM NOT THAT PERSON.

So... how do you tell your spouse? I want to stay in the house. I also want to keep the house. But if she wants to cohabitate, I'd be *ok* for a while but eventually one of us needs to go.

My therapist and I were going to work on this, but we ran out of time, but when she started it was firm, short, and basically: if there's anything to discuss it needs to be with a lawyer, and that she needs to get a lawyer. And that I really don't want to talk about anything else until we are with mediators or a lawyer. That's it. Over and over. Be firm and be emotionless.

I mean, is that it? Again, I'm going to talk to my lawyer tomorrow and strategize and we might come up with some of the same ideas. But if not: what is the best way of handling this.

I feel like I need a script to study because I have a tendency to talk down different paths.

47 comments posted: Monday, November 22nd, 2021

Trying to understand Divorce and Alimony

I haven't talked to an attorney yet but I've been doing some research here.

Let me get this straight. I live in West Virginia, and adultery can only be used as a basis for divorce proceedings if it was within three years of filing, and adultery is defined as sexual intercourse:

§48-5-301. When a divorce not to be granted.
No divorce for adultery shall be granted on the uncorroborated testimony of a prostitute, or a particeps criminis, or when it appears that the parties voluntarily cohabited after the knowledge of the adultery, or that it occurred more than three years before the institution of the action; nor shall a divorce be granted for any cause when it appears that the offense charged has been condoned, or was committed by the procurement or connivance of the plaintiff, or that the plaintiff has, within three years before the institution of action, been guilty of adultery not condoned, but such exception shall not be applicable to causes of action brought pursuant to sections 5-201 and 5-202 of this chapter. The defense of collusion shall not be pleaded as a bar to a divorce.


§48-5-204. Grounds for divorce; adultery.
A divorce may be ordered for adultery. Adultery is the voluntary sexual intercourse of a married man or woman with a person other than the offender's wife or husband. The burden is on the party seeking the divorce to prove the alleged adultery by clear and convincing evidence.

Basically since the last affair was 5 years ago, I cannot use any infidelity as a basis of a divorce? Also since WV defines adultery as sexual intercourse - I can't use an of the EA/PA's as a basis. Furthermore, since I don't have physical proof of the first two, but copies of texts of the third affair, I might not even be able to submit this as reason for divorce anyway, therefore I'm looking at an irreconcilable differences divorce.

Since we have been married for 25 years it would be likely that I would be responsible for alimony for the rest of her life. Our income is so lopsided that I'd be paying $2100 a month for the rest of her life.


16 comments posted: Tuesday, October 19th, 2021

I got a hotel room to get away, I'm just tired of the whole thing. (Rant)

On advice of a close friend I got a hotel room for the night, maybe more. Didn't tell the wife, didn't tell the kid. Just weeks and months and years of no truth or intimacy or honesty and just living like roommates. We're married on paper only. We have no passion. None.

15 years ago I had to do all the work to snap her out of the fog. I had to get the therapists, I followed along with her to work when she went out of town, I brought her drinks every morning to work, I sang songs for her, said I was sorry, acted like it was my problem to solve. I did the pick me dance and it took months for her to apologize but she still says to this day that "nothing would have happened." Uh huh. Even though you kissed him a couple times. Even though you told him you weren't shaved. Even though you talked about being on your period. Even though you said you could give him a blow job in the garage. But nothing would have happened, it wasn't serious.

5 years ago she tried to get with a dude at a remote job who couldn't speak English. She pursued him and wanted him so badly. You could tell! Such passionate and excited words! I still have the messages where she texted her sister and the messages to his friend who was the interpreter.

"It's getting hard to resist him!"
"He is hot!"
"He is married, we could have had fun."
"He is a good kid, I wish I could have found out how good. ;)"
"Just tell him I think he is adorable. I don't know how to say that in Spanish.

He shot her down though. "I got my answer... :("

To say nothing of the Instant Messaging shit she pulled in our first year of marriage. Talking about her body, him asking where she could put a stuffed animal - "The warmest spot!" Her looking at weather and driving directions to Tennessee where he lived. That was the first year.

She can't find time for therapy. It's too expensive. Meanwhile I've been in therapy for 8 years on and off over this.

And she can't find time for intimacy with me. Right now it's been 3 months. We've gone 10 months before. I'm tired. I can't do that. I'll give you a blow job tomorrow? Sure there's hysterical bonding after discovery, but that lasts a couple months.

So I left. I got a hotel room for myself. Didn't tell anyone. Let her figure it out.

Here come the texts.

"Where are you?"
"You have to tell me why, did I do something or not do something?"
"You know I don't feel well when I don't know where you are."

I just tell her I am in a safe place and I am trying to think about stuff and decompress.

"What stuff? What is wrong?"

I will talk to you when I am ready to talk about stuff. Right now I'm just trying to have some time to myself and decompress.

"I'm just going to sit here and not do anything until you get back."
"Can you at least tell me where you are?"

I'm at a hotel.

"What??? Why??? What did I do now?"
"You have to tell me why. What am I supposed to tell Daughter?"

You can tell her the truth, or you don't have to tell her anything, she's 23, she's an adult.

"She's going to ask why?"

It's really none of her business.

"It must be pretty bad if you can't even come home and face me."

So here we are. I feel bad. But for gods' sakes, she really doesn't know? She really... doesn't... know?

63 comments posted: Wednesday, September 29th, 2021

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