On advice of a close friend I got a hotel room for the night, maybe more. Didn't tell the wife, didn't tell the kid. Just weeks and months and years of no truth or intimacy or honesty and just living like roommates. We're married on paper only. We have no passion. None.
15 years ago I had to do all the work to snap her out of the fog. I had to get the therapists, I followed along with her to work when she went out of town, I brought her drinks every morning to work, I sang songs for her, said I was sorry, acted like it was my problem to solve. I did the pick me dance and it took months for her to apologize but she still says to this day that "nothing would have happened." Uh huh. Even though you kissed him a couple times. Even though you told him you weren't shaved. Even though you talked about being on your period. Even though you said you could give him a blow job in the garage. But nothing would have happened, it wasn't serious.
5 years ago she tried to get with a dude at a remote job who couldn't speak English. She pursued him and wanted him so badly. You could tell! Such passionate and excited words! I still have the messages where she texted her sister and the messages to his friend who was the interpreter.
"It's getting hard to resist him!"
"He is hot!"
"He is married, we could have had fun."
"He is a good kid, I wish I could have found out how good. ;)"
"Just tell him I think he is adorable. I don't know how to say that in Spanish.
He shot her down though. "I got my answer... :("
To say nothing of the Instant Messaging shit she pulled in our first year of marriage. Talking about her body, him asking where she could put a stuffed animal - "The warmest spot!" Her looking at weather and driving directions to Tennessee where he lived. That was the first year.
She can't find time for therapy. It's too expensive. Meanwhile I've been in therapy for 8 years on and off over this.
And she can't find time for intimacy with me. Right now it's been 3 months. We've gone 10 months before. I'm tired. I can't do that. I'll give you a blow job tomorrow? Sure there's hysterical bonding after discovery, but that lasts a couple months.
So I left. I got a hotel room for myself. Didn't tell anyone. Let her figure it out.
Here come the texts.
"Where are you?"
"You have to tell me why, did I do something or not do something?"
"You know I don't feel well when I don't know where you are."
I just tell her I am in a safe place and I am trying to think about stuff and decompress.
"What stuff? What is wrong?"
I will talk to you when I am ready to talk about stuff. Right now I'm just trying to have some time to myself and decompress.
"I'm just going to sit here and not do anything until you get back."
"Can you at least tell me where you are?"
I'm at a hotel.
"What??? Why??? What did I do now?"
"You have to tell me why. What am I supposed to tell Daughter?"
You can tell her the truth, or you don't have to tell her anything, she's 23, she's an adult.
"She's going to ask why?"
It's really none of her business.
"It must be pretty bad if you can't even come home and face me."
So here we are. I feel bad. But for gods' sakes, she really doesn't know? She really... doesn't... know?