I’m lucky I found this site early on, thank you to everyone who has contributed here. All the collective experiences have made me stronger. I’ll jump right in.
2.5 months ago, my wife and I bought our dream home, I. Our dream neighborhood, near family, the kind of home we have talked about for years. A little over a year ago, my wife lost her job due to covid, and I had a promotion that I was expecting hung up for the same reasons. This meant that I was effectively straddling two roles, and transitioning to a wfh environment. I’m in one of those industries where the office days are long to begin with, and the client demands are never ending. Add doing a second job (the one I was hoping to get) with out additional resources, and it meant that I have basically lived by my laptop 16-17hours a day for 15 months. The stress was taxing, trying to keep us on track was taxing, and frankly, there wasn’t much time to do much of anything through the pandemic. When we bought the house, and moved out of our small NYC apartment I had a huge sense of relief and feeling that “we made it, finally things are looking up”
3 weeks after we moved in, my wife had taken a trip with her best friends family, her friend, their teenage son and nephew, her friends husband, and her friends brother. I found lingerie in her luggage when she got home, including some I hadn’t seen before, and confronted her about it.
She went into deny deny deny, and the explanations she did give didn’t make much sense. “I let my friend borrow it because her and her husband were going through a rough patch”. None of it added up, and I started digging. Found her journal, which pretty clearly indicated she had begun an affair with her friends brother shortly after she lost her job about a year ago. Confronted her about this, more lies, she told me it happened a year ago, it was never physical Etc.
Fast forward a couple weeks, and I catch her lying about going to lunch with her sister. She was out to lunch with her friends brother, and saw her give him a “goodbye kiss” in the parking lot. Confronted her on this one too, said it’s either the affair or we try to work it out, but there’s no in between and to be no contact. She stormed off for a few hours and came back and said she is going to cut it off, and she doesn’t want to throw away everything we built together over the past 12 years.
It’s been about a month since that day, and I have yet to get her to tell me the whole truth, even when confronted with evidence that conflicts with her story. Everything seems perfectly fine as long as I don’t try to discuss the affair, or the hurt she has caused. She’s acting the part of the good wife, but not giving me anything I need for me to heal. Those conversations turn into blaming me for “being too focused on work”.
My preference is to work it out, but my question is, how long should I give her to come out with the truth and actually start to show that she cares she hurt me? It’s pretty clear she’s still in the affair fog, and I’m trying to be patient. I believe she has cut it off for the past month (Not 100%, but maybe 90%) , but is that enough for now? My patience is wearing thin. Would love to hear from folks with experience navigating the affair fog. I tend to make decisions rather methodically, but once I decide, I act quickly. I’m fighting my own nature right now, but want to make sure my pride doesn’t cause me future regret.