I’m coming out swinging, please don’t hate me, I hope you realize this is coming from a desire to help you even though it’s harsh 😬——
My preference is to work it out, but my question is, how long should I give her to come out with the truth
30 Min after this is when:
I found lingerie in her luggage when she got home, including some I hadn’t seen before, and confronted her about it.
Launch - you’re a highly intelligent guy. You knew this was bullshit. You should’ve put her out then and there. But you didn’t, and any respect your wife had left for you evaporated away. Your wife simply couldn’t believe you reacted so weakly, but was grateful because she got to remain a pampered princess while fucking another.
Confronted her about this, more lies, she told me it happened a year ago, it was never physical Etc.
And the 1%of respect she may have had left, gone like vapor. She thinks you’re stupid (although we know you aren’t)
Fast forward a couple weeks, and I catch her lying about going to lunch with her sister. She was out to lunch with her friends brother, and saw her give him a "goodbye kiss" in the parking lot. Confronted her on this one too
"Too" meaning more than once, meaning another opportunity for your wife to watch you pretend there’s consequences to her continuous lies and screwing another man.
She stormed off for a few hours and came back
And you let her in the door? She needed a few hours to think about it? Where’d she go? Who was she with? I speculate she spent time with her boyfriend.
And definitely spent time talking to someone who convinced her she’d be a fool to leave you. You foot all the bills, she doesn’t have to work, she’s well taken care of, and she can hide her affair(s) better. Who would leave that?
she doesn’t want to throw away everything we built together over the past 12 years.
If that were true she wouldn’t have cheated. She came back because she doesn’t have to work and because you’ve had such a tepid response throughout this entire debacle, she figured she can continue to get away with cheating.
It’s been about a month since that day, and I have yet to get her to tell me the whole truth, even when confronted with evidence that conflicts with her story. Everything seems perfectly fine as long as I don’t try to discuss the affair, or the hurt she has caused. She’s acting the part of the good wife, but not giving me anything I need for me to heal. Those conversations turn into blaming me for "being too focused on work".
She has no remorse for you at all.
It’s pretty clear she’s still in the affair fog, and I’m trying to be patient.
I fear the use of "affair fog" is over used & gives BS’ another way to remain in denial and pretend their WS isn’t that bad of a person because they’re under a "spell" and have no agency. The concept of "affair fog" exists, it doesn’t apply to half of affairs. Launch it absolutely does not in yours. Your wife is confused about nothing. She has no delusions. She knows exactly what she’s doing. Using you for a comfy life while screwing men not her husband, you know this already. There’s NOTHING foggy about her thinking right now.
believe she has cut it off for the past month (Not 100%, but maybe 90%) , but is that enough for now?
You’re asking whether your WIFE cutting off her AFFAIR PARTNER 90% is enough for right now.
My patience is wearing thin. Would love to hear from folks with experience navigating the affair fog
She’s in NO fog.
I’m fighting my own nature right now,
but want to make sure my pride doesn’t cause me future regret
Regret what? Staying in a marriage where your WW has absolutely zero respect for you, will continue to cheat on you and you’ll be in a constant state of anxiety wondering who she’s currently sleeping with?
and actually start to show that she cares she hurt me?
At least you have no delusions that she does not care that she hurt you (and continues to do so because the affair has not ended.)
File for D and 1. she’ll agree to divorce and you won’t waste time on a fake R, quicker you can find someone who will be faithful to you Or 2. She can try to earn your trust back and become a remorseful WS (and hopefully not cheat again) —- you can always stop the D paperwork.
If you continue the way you’re going, you’re giving your wife more time to abuse you, you are limiting the possibility of reunification because women do not want weak men & I’m really really really (truly) am sorry to say, this is how she views you. The longer you diddy daddle, the more unattractive you are. The less likely she’ll want to make it work.
If she decides to try and win you back, she has to go NC with that entire family, nonnegotiable.
Don’t be scared to file D, the worst that can happen, your wife’s already left you, D gets rid of a cheater permanently.