Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Whirlwind couple months- give it more time?

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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 5:04 PM on Friday, August 20th, 2021

Please don’t fall into the trap of trying to win why you are doing what you are doing.

I’m fine with you exposing and sharing with her family.
I don’t know what you told them but really the only thing that matters is that she cheated. Why or if you had any impact o anything like that… has no value whatsoever.

I know that to-date she hasn’t confirmed it was physical, but by using plain logic it’s quite safe to assume it was. Even with the simple deduction that you don’t bring along sexy lingerie if you plan to only kiss and hold hands.

I mention this because you talk about her making the rounds to clear up the story. What her friends and family believe and if they all side with her or whatever… NOT AN ISSUE. Do not go a second round playing she says, he says…

If you two eventually reconcile it needs to be from a base of truth, openness, and accountability. Any lies or excuse or justifications she makes now will be cleared. If you divorce… well… what they think won’t matter.

Why is she doing this? Well… It’s human nature to justify our actions, even wrong actions. See it all the time and we all do it to some extent. It can be as innocent as having a slice of cake despite being on a diet and justifying it by thinking you will run an extra mile or eat less later today. As a cop I listened to DUI insisting that the flu-medicine made them drowsy and not the dozen whiskey shots, or the rapists that insisted she wanted it rough and no really was yes with her. It takes a strong person to step up to the plate and say "I cheated because of faults of my own. My actions are totally 100% my fault and not the consequence of anything my spouse or marriage did." She just doesn’t have that strength.


You have mentioned a wish to reconcile…
Well… It’s possible. But only from the correct basis. That base is that you have the total truth, she is accountable and you can start feeling safe. While she’s not frank and honest about what took place… well… you don’t have what’s needed. Wanting to reconcile is like sitting in a car-wreck wanting to not have rammed that sign-post.

I suggest you simply assume it was physical. Put the onus of proof on her. Let her know that you could possibly work on the marriage if you had a sense or belief in knowing the truth, but when you are fairly certain she’s lying it shows a total lack of trust on both your halves for there to be any reality in reconciliation.
How can she prove she’s telling the truth? A poly could be a great start. If she insists there wasn’t anything physical then a poly could confirm if shes being honest or not. That in turn could indicate how much trust you can place in her words.


Finally: Deal with this from reality. You don’t ask for a divorce, you file. If you are being courteous you let her know, if not you just have her served. You don’t ask her and expect to get one gift-wrapped. You DO divorce.
Divorce follows procedures and laws. You can’t demand she leaves the house, but you can ask her. You can’t demand she leaves the master-bedroom, but you can move yourself to the spare room. You can’t make her leave, but you can turn the home into a marital asset that needs to be dealt with in the D leading to one or both of you leaving – separately.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8684588
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 9:48 PM on Friday, August 20th, 2021

Did you hear back from her side of the family which version of your story did she 'corrected'? You discovering the affair earlier is totally unexpected from her side. They are not ready to be out yet. Although her AP's side of the family openly knows what's really going on. Yes, they even spent family vacation with your wife, with her friend and with her affair partner as her partner during the family vacation. With her lingerie for display of course.

Their preparation for their future was completely disrupted when you discovered the affair that's why she's trying to mitigate things with you. She has nowhere to go. She won't have the life she wanted with her lover. Not while she's out of a job. And maybe the POSOM is not ready yet to feed your wife and make her his own.

She's not a healthy partner. She won't even tell you one single truth. She wants her version of the truth to be the version going around not your version of the story. She wants to make it look like she's not cheating at all.

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8684622
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WontBeFooledAgai ( Member #72671) posted at 12:33 AM on Saturday, August 21st, 2021

Wow, your WW is clearly a piece of work. Well in the meanwhile, I hope you are continuing to move the D process along.

Frankly, it sounds to me that you are still letting her drive the ship. You don't *ask* for a divorce in a situation like this, you instead *tell* your WW that you are getting a divorce.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 12:37 AM, Saturday, August 21st]

posts: 289   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8684644
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M1965 ( Member #57009) posted at 1:30 AM on Saturday, August 21st, 2021

I asked her to leave and said I’m going to be filing for divorce, she refused.

Your wife wants to be in control of this situation. You say go, so she overrides that and stays.

At the same time, she’s doing things like cooking me dinner every day this week, and making me coffee in the morning.

I don’t understand this. The lies continue so I know I’m doing the right thing. But I don’t understand why she’s doing anything nice for me at this point even after I exposed everything to her family that she ran needed to run around and "correct".

She is not doing any of that for you.

She is doing it to reinforce the totally false image of herself that she is trying to project to the rest of the world, and also to herself. Frankly, if I was in your position, anything cooked for me would go straight into the garbage, and the coffee would go undrunk. She knows that you know who and what she really is, and she does not like that, so she is trying to be a Stepford Wife to confuse you. It is pathetic, but it is all about her trying to save her sense of self-image. Or maybe, in some lunatic way, she thinks her behavior will convince you that she is a good wife, and distract you from who she really is, and what she has really done. These are the desperate actions of an idiot who has been busted, but who refuses to put their hands up and say, "Okay, you caught me fair and square".

More curious at this point. What is she thinking? Is this just going to be one of those I’ll never understand so don’t bother trying moments? If I’m this big liar that told a bunch of hurtful stories to her family, why didn’t she stop doing anything for me?

See the above. You know who she is. We know who she is. She knows who she is. However, she does not want her true nature to be public knowledge, so she has gone into full-on Hollywood performance mode, to pretend she is Little Miss Perfect.

I exposed everything to her family that she ran needed to run around and "correct".

And there you go - Little Miss Lingerie for her best friend's brother is playing the circuit to 'correct' the damage to her image that the truth being known might do.

She wants you to sit down, shut up, and eat whatever she chooses to serve you. Literally. And if she has to lie about her actions to every person the two of you know, she will do it, because she firmly believes that she is worth it.

You are dealing with an immoral narcissist who cares more about image than reality. And you will be well rid of her. Let her best friend's brother have her; he deserves her. You deserve better, and the way you will find it is by cutting your ties with her and gifting her to an idiot who has no idea what a booby-prize he has won. Five years from now, you will see that he has actually done you a favor by exposing who and what your wife really is, and no matter what she says or does, she can never, ever hide that.

[This message edited by M1965 at 1:32 AM, Saturday, August 21st]

posts: 1177   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2017   ·   location: South East of England
id 8684647
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HarryD ( New Member #72423) posted at 3:59 AM on Saturday, August 21st, 2021

Maybe best friends brother, does not want to live with a cheater. One thing to have sex with a married woman another thing to live and married one

posts: 37   ·   registered: Dec. 30th, 2019   ·   location: NY
id 8684661
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nutmegkitty ( Member #33882) posted at 2:07 AM on Monday, August 23rd, 2021

Please be careful….keep a VAR on you during interactions now. False DV accusations are not that uncommon.

Me - happy!
2 DDs

Very happily divorced from an NPD since 2013.

posts: 4388   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2011   ·   location: MA
id 8684832
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scaredwoman ( Member #78680) posted at 9:54 PM on Monday, August 23rd, 2021

Can you legally have her removed from the home if she won't leave on her own?

posts: 154   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8684980
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 Launch (original poster New Member #79242) posted at 11:17 PM on Tuesday, August 24th, 2021

Having one of those faaaaaccckkkk type days. Reflecting on what I thought we had, and the sadness of reality. Tried to get a workout in to push past those feelings and channel the negative to something positive. But just didn’t have the energy. First time I’ve cut a workout short in 2 Months. Feeling upset about that, like it’s the first time I wasn’t strong enough to deal.

Thank you to everyone who comments here. I know I’ll get through this.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2021
id 8685232
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 12:54 PM on Wednesday, August 25th, 2021

You'll have good days and bad days. You'll have to learn to deal with it. Give yourself a rest, you might have been working too much. Focus on your well-being.

All the best!

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8685314
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Lostmyself ( New Member #79344) posted at 5:53 AM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021

Hey Launch,

Been following your posts. How are you doing and how are things going?

posts: 3   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2021
id 8688037
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 3:11 PM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021

Launch....how are you doing? It sounds like your wife is delusional and in deep denial - which can be explosive.
Are you safe?

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8688065
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 Launch (original poster New Member #79242) posted at 11:06 PM on Monday, September 13th, 2021

Thanks everyone for checking in. It has been a few weeks since I told her I am filing for divorce. Things are progressing with the attorney.

Her family (father, mother, sister) is pressuring her to work on it and stay with me. So there’s a weird dynamic of them texting me hoping for updates that things are getting better, and me unfortunately having to convey to them that what they are hearing about "her working on it and I’m the unreceptive one" are all lies.

Best example from today - "he’s been out til all hours of the night and I think he has a girlfriend"

Reality is, I work from home all day, then leave to go the the gym for about 90 minutes, then take the dog for an evening walk. Then go to bed early to get up and do it all againM-Th. On the weekends, I get dinner with my parents, or take a drive to visit my sister who lives 90 minutes away.

My wife is typically only here during the middle of the day, so that she can take a nap in a spare bedroom. And will leave about an hour before I wrap up my work day. Either comes home after midnight, or doesn’t come home at all.

So, pretty toxic. Doesn’t matter. Proceeding.

Spoke with a new therapist for the first time today (it’s been misery to schedule time with anyone, and I wasn’t thrilled with the last one) and she had me re-establish that I had definitely been cheated on. Meaning, all of the lies along the way, and times I’ve caught her visiting him. And the therapist said "a lot of that is circumstantial". My response to that was, "you don’t need to see someone naked on top of your wife to know that cheating happened". That doesn’t seem like it’s worth a second session.

Anyway, haven’t spoken to her, just doing my thing and what I want to do. Lots of gym sessions and family time. Seeing some friends. Just letting the process play out. Trying to focus on work. But it’s impossible some days. And being in a competitive industry, I’m wondering if I end up on the chopping block at some point because of the distraction. Fun stuff.

Thank you as always. To everyone who has replied here

posts: 11   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2021
id 8688337
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 12:12 AM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

he’s been out til all hours of the night and I think he has a girlfriend"

You can share her your location throughout the day which in your case is only at your home and the gym. You have to be vocal. Call out her lying and expose her.

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8688348
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 12:14 AM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

You both seem to have reached a consensus that your marriage is over.

Better this way than trying to fake R.

On nights when she comes too late or not at all, her whereabouts are clear, and she no longer feels the need to hide it. Her aim to appear that way to her Family, to show you guilty and then easily get them to accept her relationship with AP.

I think you've exposed her lies. If it won't affect your social and working life from now on, I guess it doesn't matter much. The best thing for you would be to get rid of her as soon as possible and move on with your life.

Best wishes.

posts: 477   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8688350
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faithfulman ( Member #66002) posted at 1:19 AM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

Spoke with a new therapist for the first time today (it’s been misery to schedule time with anyone, and I wasn’t thrilled with the last one) and she had me re-establish that I had definitely been cheated on. Meaning, all of the lies along the way, and times I’ve caught her visiting him. And the therapist said "a lot of that is circumstantial". My response to that was, "you don’t need to see someone naked on top of your wife to know that cheating happened". That doesn’t seem like it’s worth a second session.

Brother, there's a whole lot of shitty therapists out there. Being that they are regular human beings, it means a sizable portion of them will not be that smart or have vague morals around things in particularly cheating, having been trained on people using cheating because they "aren't having their needs fulfilled" and other such bullshit.

That response you got was almost like being gaslit by your therapist. She's basically saying you don't really know if your wife is cheating because you don't have a video of the act - maybe the are playing backgammon dude! - good answer from you by the way.

Now just imagine if your wife was the one going to see that therapist you just saw! Imagine the horrible nonsense they would be piling up to defend her actions.

***

I think therapy can be helpful to a betrayed spouse far more often than it can helpful to a lying cheater who just wants to get out of trouble. But it is still a total crapshoot because the therapy field has a lot of kooks, squishy morals and people who are simply going to either a) defend the person who is paying their bill, or b) take the easy path.

I think your resolve is getting stronger. I don't think you really have to prove anything, your wife will be self-exposed, but if you want to get it over with just show them some evidence and say: "I am no longer going to argue with her lies".

Good luck.

posts: 873   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2018
id 8688359
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 Launch (original poster New Member #79242) posted at 2:48 AM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

Absolutely nothing to prove at this point. To anyone. I’m moving on. And the sooner this is over the better.

I built a great life for us, shame she doesn’t want to be a part of it, but got through the "hard" years of building without the payoff for all the work.

I’ll move on, I’ll heal eventually. Looking forward to not "co-habitating" anymore so that she can’t rip open the wounds just with her mere presence. This can’t end soon enough. I want to get back to living.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2021
id 8688380
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Justaguy61 ( New Member #75431) posted at 3:40 AM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

Good that you have the strength to definitely leave. She is certainly in the fog and at some point in the future will likely try to reconnect. That you realize she is no longer the person you were in love with should help you if and when that happens. Good luck!

posts: 50   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2020
id 8688386
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 4:43 AM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

I built a great life for us, shame she doesn’t want to be a part of it

When she finally realizes that there more to lose than to gain when you leave be prepared. She might be coming back and beg for you to come back.

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8688391
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 1:46 PM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

It's not unusual for a cheater to totally rewrite their marriage in order to justify committing adultery.
And deny they had sex (even after spending a night alone).

She's no longer the woman you married. For whatever reason you are dealing with someone very different and you'll never understand 'why'.

Be civil but keep your distance. Don't trust her ... she's no longer a friend. And don't be a friend to her and allow her to use you.

Carry a VAR all the time. She's capable of reporting you to the police for domestic violence in order to justify her adultery to her family.

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8688412
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 1:53 PM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

As her safe reliable loving husband you are her plan B.

The OM is currently enjoying no strings sex with a married woman. Don't be surprised as divorce progresses and he realizes she's hoping to marry him - he starts distancing himself (and dumps her).

At that point she may reach out to you with all sorts of excuses, self hate, ...the list is endless.

It's common for a husband to feel sorry for or obligated to protect her (the white knight syndrome).

Be prepared for that.

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8688413
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