Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Whirlwind couple months- give it more time?

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Happenedtome2 ( Member #68906) posted at 4:29 PM on Friday, August 6th, 2021

Since you now have the lawyer retained, I would assume service of D papers will be upcoming shortly. Now is the time to start carrying a VAR on your person any time you interact with her. This could go sideways VERY quickly especially once the papers are dropped on her.

If you have a gopro or other video set it up where most of your conversations take place and start recording every interaction. You don't want anything that you say to be skewed or for her to suddenly start saying that you are abusing her.

BH
DDay August 2018
Not so sure about R at this time.
My original post :
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=633451

posts: 447   ·   registered: Nov. 23rd, 2018
id 8681943
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 4:46 PM on Friday, August 6th, 2021

My preference is to work it out

Why? Ask yourself why and try to develop a very specific answer.

It’s pretty clear she’s still in the affair fog, and I’m trying to be patient.

Why? And why do you feel that being patient is an obligation in some way? Ask yourself this question, too.

Thumos has some data on this I think but only a small percentage of marriages survive infidelity beyond the 5 year mark, which is curiously enough, the threshold for a BS healing.

This comes from the book "Cheating in a Nutshell." They cite a longitudinal study that examined success rates for marriages after infidelity after the 5 year mark. For whatever reason, most professional proponents of reconciliation have never conducted long-term longitudinal studies and cite only short-term numbers to claim success.

Interestingly, from years 3-5 after D-Day the rates of marriages still intact after begin steadily declining. After year 5, the numbers of those staying together drop off a cliff.

It is estimated that between 65-75 percent of marriages after infidelity will end. Meaning that optimistically, only a third survive (and probably closer to only a quarter survive).

After reading this, I myself made the connection to the common crowdsourced wisdom here on SI that it takes a betrayed spouse about 3-5 to heal, and by this it is meant that it really takes the physical brain as an organ to overcome the damage from betrayal trauma.

I found the confluence of these two rivers (healing and divorce) interesting and not at all coincidental.

It stands to reason that when a BS's brain has had time to settle and regain equilibrium at around the 5-year mark, most BS's start examining the marriage with very clear and very skeptical eyes. Some elect to stay. It seems increasingly clear that most do not past the 5-year mark.

I myself am considered a bit of a skeptic for reconciliation. But I DON'T want anyone to rule it out. My heart aches for every betrayed spouse facing a family torn asunder. I myself struggle with this mightily every single day. And obviously my deepest hope is that two people who love each other and who have children would find authentic reconciliation.

Nevertheless, I think the biggest obstacle to this hope I have is the wayward spouse, and more often than not what we have in a wayward spouse is usually a damaged person with an insufficient toolkit for dealing with real life, someone lacking in emotional intelligence, and someone who may in fact be narcissistic to some degree.

Thus, the common set of behaviors leading up to, during and after an affair:

1. WS's begin feeling "unhappy" or "unsatisfied" but they can't put a finger on why. Why you can't talk someone out of their feelings -- they simply feel what they feel -- we must acknowledge that very often feelings do not comport with or reflect actual reality. So while a WS may feel "unhappy" it is likely that they actually have very little to be unhappy about.

2. WS's, searching for a cause of their ennui and discontent, begin telling themselves a story about their marriage, which is usually chock full of lies, distortions and half truths. Interestingly with regard to WW (wayward wives) there is increasing media attention paid to the problem of wives losing attraction for their stable provisioner husbands, and then blaming their husbands for this problem that lies only within themselves. Rewriting the history of a marriage in order to justify an affair is almost required for most WS's, and even adultery apologists like Esther Perel now concede that most of the time infidelity is happening in what should be considered by an objective observer good marriages.

3. WS's find an affair partner, a convenient warm body they find attractive on some level and develop a connection with. Usually this person is below the pay grade of their faithful spouse. And very often, they are total sleazes.

3a. WS's must then take a series of willful steps, and practice increasingly willful deception to do this.

4. They throw themselves wantonly into an affair. Normally this develops into sex. Rarely it remains platonic (more damage has been done in my view with the concept of an "emotional affair" and it was probably developed by a wayward; affairs rarely remain "emotional" for long unless proximity is an issue).

5. The affair comes out (it usually does, even if it comes out years later).

6. WS's begin a predictable pattern of swearing fealty to the marriage, blameshifting, footdragging, trickling truth, DARVO (deny attack reverse victim offender), sex and love bombing, continued gaslighting, breaking no contact, and pressuring their loyal spouses to stay and rugsweep.

Eventually, a betrayed spouse begins to overcome some of their trauma and begins examining all of this in the cold light of day. What most betrayed spouses eventually realize is that adultery is a particularly pernicious form of toxic abuse. People who are abusers are not loving people. Love is a verb. When people carry out actions that are the opposite of loving, they are not loving. Most BS's conclude this in one way or another, and the "shit sandwich" looks increasingly distasteful as the years pass.

[This message edited by Thumos at 11:20 AM, August 6th (Friday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8681950
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CuriousObserver ( Member #78743) posted at 5:24 PM on Friday, August 6th, 2021

Launch, you need to launch her to the curb, post haste.

Find on here the recent story of CheesecakeBaker and read it. He started much like you in denial and passivity and refused to see what was in front of his face. Then he woke up and regained his agency and self respect. I think his story will help you.

All the best.

[This message edited by CuriousObserver at 4:13 PM, Friday, August 20th]

Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.

posts: 112   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8681963
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 8:13 PM on Friday, August 6th, 2021

Sorry for you are here.

I'm on vacation and it's a problem to write here by phone, but it would bother me if I didn't say anything. Actually, what I am going to say has been said similar by others, but the more it is said, the more you can be sure that you are on the right path.

it meant that I have basically lived by my laptop 16-17hours a day for 15 months. The stress was taxing, trying to keep us on track was taxing, and frankly, there wasn’t much time to do much of anything through the pandemic.

So she lost her job, and you didn't even think to cheat on her. I can hear you ask “Why would i think?”. You shouldn't anyway. But if you were a cheater, you could have made up the excuse that when you cheated on her and got caught, "you were making no contribution to the house, I was in a very stressful time and she was there". But that didn't even cross your mind. What did you do instead, you started a second job, but what did your WW do when she was unemployed to make your dreams come true? Did she zealously seek a job to lighten the burden on your shoulders? Has she told you that she doesn't want you to have a second job, your dream house, the things you provide for her, but just you beside her.Did she reject what you provided her? Did she say she didn't want the house you bought, that she wouldn't stay there? NO. You started second job, and she started her A.This was the reward for your sacrifice. You probably heard her complaints for the first time after she was caught.

3 weeks after we moved in, my wife had taken a trip with her best friends family, her friend, their teenage son and nephew, her friends husband, and her friends brother. I found lingerie in her luggage when she got home, including some I hadn’t seen before, and confronted her about it.

It seems that your WW understands something very different from "starting a family." So she started her best friend's family.

Her welcome by the whole family shows that they don't have a simple and temporary A but a RS. If there is nothing serious, friends do not allow their siblings and friends to have A so that their friendship is not ruined. Add to that the fact that she is married. Your WW was probably planning to leave you in the future and take her relationship with him to a more serious level. There is no doubt that her best friend is also supportive of this.

By the way, I don't even want to talk about her bullshit. Of course they had sex, both a lot and unrestricted. Their A is still going on.

You have no reason to believe a single word of her. Cheaters lie a lot, it's the actions that count, even they can be deceiving.

And don't try to convince her by talking that she is lying. What do you expect her to say, "hmm, what you said makes a lot of sense, now I believe too that I had sex with him"? She knows much more better than you what she has done.

Don't let her insult your intelligence.

Polygraph is the best way to find out the truth, but this is an essential condition for R, and I'm not going to suggest that as I don't think you'd want to stay married to someone like that. Just do the hard 180 and file for D and serve her.

Best wishes.

posts: 478   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8681999
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 8:37 PM on Friday, August 6th, 2021

Work out what? She decided to cheat so only she can: stop cheating and stop seeing the OM, fix herself so she's a safe partner, and answer all your questions so you know what it is you're dealing with (and if you want to R).

Since you can't control another person, there's nothing for you to do at the moment but take steps to exit the relationship. It's entirely up to her take action to stop the divorce.

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8682007
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Aletheia ( Member #79172) posted at 9:37 PM on Friday, August 6th, 2021

Thank you everyone. Signing the retainer today.

Launch, thank god. I was worried.

I held back. Your wife is mean & cruel. When she lost her job, you didn’t allow that to derail your dream, you worked overtime to make it happen. Your wife didn’t start another job, your wife started an openly flagrant affair. I’m so sorry.

She spent another night of mostly denials, and admitted to slightly more than the past. Remorse is still non existent. And she continues to be annoyed to have the conversation.

Unless & until she starts to care about you & wants to genuinely reconcile, stop interacting with her. Ask her to leave & if she refuses, avoid her at all costs. Be impersonal roommates, detach.

And I’m not saying R, only that you can’t while she continues in the affair, continues to lie, refuses to answer your questions, remains defensive & refuses you access to her electronic devices. If the phone’s in your name, shut it off.

Expose her to your families & mutual friends. Prevent her spreading a narrative making you the villain. Also pours ice water on the affair. Consider IC. Look after yourself, hydrate, eat, sleep, do physical activity.

Thank you for trusting everyone here, and proud of you for mustering up the courage to take these first steps. Keep posting.

Edit - spelling & grammar.

[This message edited by Aletheia at 9:42 PM, Friday, August 6th]

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to “Life is short” you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 186   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Everywhere & nowhere
id 8682016
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 11:11 PM on Friday, August 6th, 2021

Thank you everyone. Signing the retainer today.

Sorry I didn't see this update. Good for you. Move forward with strength. Don't allow sex bombing. And as others have said, get a VAR to carry in your pocket as insurance to prevent fake domestic violence charges.

Sounds implausible but it happens all the time.

WW's are notorious for wanting to scrub the narrative of their cheating with future potential partners by wanting to claim they were in an "abusive" relationship. It's usually "psychological abuse" they fall back on because it's so difficult to disprove. But in any case, carry that VAR!

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8682032
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M1965 ( Member #57009) posted at 1:48 AM on Saturday, August 7th, 2021

Hi Launch,

I am sorry that you have been hit by infidelity, but you are getting some great advice. Reading your thread, if your wife has been unemployed for almost a year, I am left wondering where her money comes from. This may seem petty, or like a side issue, but given everything that has happened, you need to stop paying for anything and everything that relates to her, and let her fund her affair.

Talk to a lawyer, but you really need to be shutting down any shared credit cards, any phone contracts of hers that you are paying for, and anything else that you are paying for or doing for her. Let her boyfriend step up and start paying. It will be a wake-up call for both of them, but the main thing is for you to put some distance between yourself and the two of them, and leave them to wallow in whatever mess they have created. You deserve to be free of that, and to reclaim your life. And you know what? There are plenty of great women out there who will appreciate you more than your entitled, delusional WW does.

posts: 1177   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2017   ·   location: South East of England
id 8682049
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Mene ( Member #64377) posted at 8:30 AM on Sunday, August 8th, 2021

No kids? Leave her.

Life wasn’t meant to be fair...

posts: 826   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2018   ·   location: Cyberland
id 8682182
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Newlifeisgreat ( Member #71308) posted at 5:34 AM on Monday, August 9th, 2021

How did the weekend go?

Just remember the less contact you have with her the quicker you will heal.

Have you told the lawyer to have her served?

Good luck
And stay strong!

Betrayed SpouseShe cheated and I filed immediately upon discovering. She never even suspected that I knew until the moment she was served with reason being AdulteryDivorced 9/18Now VERY happy with new life, 0 regrets

posts: 664   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2019
id 8682311
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RealityBlows ( Member #41108) posted at 8:14 AM on Monday, August 9th, 2021

I wanted to give you another simple way to look at this situation:

When you marry someone, you want someone whom is totally devoted to you.

Whenever any of us marry, we never really know for sure to what degree our spouses devotion. Only time and trial will tell.

Your WW just showed you...and is, apparently, still showing you, that her level of devotion is shit. It's conditional. It's limited. It's weak.

Is she aware what's at stake? Have you made her painfully aware of what is at stake?

If she is not fighting valiantly to save the marriage, if she's not leading the charge, being proactive, making profound sacrifices, pulling all the stops, being lovingly patient, empathizing, showing pure honesty and transparency, doing research, fixing her shit and putting your needs before hers,.

Then she's not the one. Never was. She isn't the wife you want. She isn't the wife you need and deserve. She fails the very definition and prerequisites of a wife-categorically.

And, you will have to move on and begin again your search for that woman who would never hurt you like this, who would be absolutely devoted to you, and you only.

Because, she's out there. She's out there waiting for you and she's the one you should be with and until you find her the world will be off quilter. Time is of the essence.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:22 AM, Monday, August 9th]

posts: 647   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8682323
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 7:40 PM on Thursday, August 12th, 2021

Upfront a lot just want them back without any thoughts as to what they’re getting back.

Her demeanor right now is how inconvenient of you to interrupt my sexual affair. Yep, with what you’ve posted she’s in neck deep.

You are the only one that can keep yourself in limbo.

[This message edited by Marz at 7:43 PM, Thursday, August 12th]

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8683087
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Wanttobebetter ( Member #72484) posted at 8:39 PM on Thursday, August 12th, 2021

If she is not fighting valiantly to save the marriage, if she's not leading the charge, being proactive, making profound sacrifices, pulling all the stops, being lovingly patient, empathizing, showing pure honesty and transparency, doing research, fixing her shit and putting your needs before hers,.

OP - this is it, isn't it? I mean the least she can do is to show effort that she is fighting for the marriage. I understand not all WS gets it immediately after D-day. What you describe in your post made it seem like she accidentally scratch your car and she is sorry, can we move on? Really? Again, my opinion is based what you posted and she might have done more since then. But this is what it seems to me.

posts: 138   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
id 8683105
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Notaboringwife ( Member #74302) posted at 9:28 PM on Thursday, August 12th, 2021

Launch,

The most difficult thing to do right after one has just found out is figuring out what to do.

There is a storm of feelings, hopes, denials, untruths, truths ...a real tsunami for the betrayed.

During this storm there churns the undeniable fact: Your wife betrayed you.

Keep focus on what you WANT to do, what you NEED to do, what you HOPE to do and what you ARE doing. Your intent is to achieve calm and clarity within you first, above all.

And sometimes, not making any decision for a while, is the right thing to do. Let the storm unfold.

Only you can decide what is best for you. Work on yourself right now with all the good advice from the posts.

Best of luck to you...we've all been there.

"Healing is not about moving on or "getting over it," it’s about learning to make peace with our pain and finding purpose in our lives again."

posts: 211   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2020
id 8683116
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 Launch (original poster New Member #79242) posted at 3:13 PM on Friday, August 20th, 2021

Exposed it to her immediate family last weekend. Started with her sister and brother in law, then to her dads and then to her aunt and uncles. In person conversations that lasted several hours each. Family was supportive, and said they noticed that something seemed off with her.

Her sisters comments resonated a lot with me. 1- she hadn’t heard the full story either, but did say that my wife admitted to her more feelings for this other man than she admitted to me; and 2- her sister said "it sounds like she has already thrown in the towel"

This week, she went around to each of those family members to "correct my lies". Which was expected. And has continued to double down on easily disproven lies that are somewhat related to the affair, but certainly not core to the story and not worth lying about. She’s created a completely different world in her mind clearly, where she doesn’t look as bad.

I asked her to leave and said I’m going to be filing for divorce, she refused. At the same time, she’s doing things like cooking me dinner every day this week, and making me coffee in the morning.

I don’t understand this. The lies continue so I know I’m doing the right thing. But I don’t understand why she’s doing anything nice for me at this point even after I exposed everything to her family that she ran needed to run around and "correct".

More curious at this point. What is she thinking? Is this just going to be one of those I’ll never understand so don’t bother trying moments? If I’m this big liar that told a bunch of hurtful stories to her family, why didn’t she stop doing anything for me?

Thanks everyone. Amazing support. Amazing help.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2021
id 8684545
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CuriousObserver ( Member #78743) posted at 4:20 PM on Friday, August 20th, 2021

She is seeing her comfortable life being blown away down the street by the winds of her actions. Self preservation, that's all.

Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.

posts: 112   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8684579
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asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 4:27 PM on Friday, August 20th, 2021

She’s in denial and thinks she can nice you out of the divorce.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 370   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8684581
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nekonamida ( Member #42956) posted at 4:51 PM on Friday, August 20th, 2021

But I don’t understand why she’s doing anything nice for me at this point even after I exposed everything to her family that she ran needed to run around and "correct".

She's hoping you will accept what little she's giving you and back off of D. She may be buying time to get her own ducks in a row or maybe she's content to keep whatever relationship she has going with you and the OM at the same time. Either way, it's entirely for her own benefit.

More curious at this point. What is she thinking? Is this just going to be one of those I’ll never understand so don’t bother trying moments? If I’m this big liar that told a bunch of hurtful stories to her family, why didn’t she stop doing anything for me?

It's simple - she knows you weren't going around lying. She doesn't believe her own lies but pretends to in order to try and convince others. She wasn't brainwashed. She didn't fall victim to the body snatchers. She's making a calculated decision to spin her own web of deceit and is doing a decent job at acting the part. But her own actions towards you betray her because if she actually did believe her own lies, she'd treat you as the liar. She won't do that though because for whatever reason, she doesn't want to D right now so she's stuck wearing two masks - the victim mask to her family and the "good wife" mask to you.

posts: 4964   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8684584
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13YearsR ( Member #58259) posted at 4:53 PM on Friday, August 20th, 2021

If I’m this big liar that told a bunch of hurtful stories to her family, why didn’t she stop doing anything for me?

She's trying to control the narrative. You both know that you told the truth, but what others believe about her is what's important to her.

I asked her to leave and said I’m going to be filing for divorce, she refused. At the same time, she’s doing things like cooking me dinner every day this week, and making me coffee in the morning.

From what you've written, she sounds like she's very strong-willed. She wants to be in control, so like asc said, she's trying to nice you into submission.

Don't eat the dinners. Don't drink the coffee.

When are you filing?

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

DDay 2004 Successful R and going on 33 years married

posts: 439   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8684585
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AnOminousMan ( Member #79091) posted at 5:02 PM on Friday, August 20th, 2021

I asked her to leave and said I’m going to be filing for divorce, she refused. At the same time, she’s doing things like cooking me dinner every day this week, and making me coffee in the morning.

I don’t understand this. The lies continue so I know I’m doing the right thing. But I don’t understand why she’s doing anything nice for me at this point even after I exposed everything to her family that she ran needed to run around and "correct".

Because she's trying to preserve her meal ticket. Because she thinks that if she just wears you down enough with "nice" behavior that you will fold. Because she has been right about that in the past.

Don't fall for it. You've been here long enough and received enough advice to know what a truly remorseful WW would look like.

Watch now as she marginally improves behavior as you resist her, frankly, insulting gestures, continuing to do only what she considers to be the bare minimum for you to go back to providing a safe environment for her to continue her affair. Maybe she will start to make lunches for you too, but only after she believes it to be absolutely necessary. She thinks that you can be bought off with coffee and a few meals. After she had an affair that she continues to lie about. After she has watched the pained expression creep across your face every time she discloses just a little bit more information, just to shut you up. Has she ever disclosed any information to you about her affair that you didn't have to pry out of her and you didn't already have major suspicions about?

Until you feel, at your very core, contempt for the above actions you will never escape her. Stay strong brother.

If you love me, you will keep my commandments. (John 14:15)
My story doesn't really matter. I had it way easier than most.
The only thing that matters is can you stare into the mirror and like what you see.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2021
id 8684587
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