One one hand it is a waiting game, some have told me their WS "got it" later, after a year or two of living as roommates. Things clicked and they were able to rebuild.
Oh buddy, you have got this so fucking backward! This is not a waiting game. A waiting game is about the worse fucking thing you could possibly do.
You wrote recently that you would like to know what is going on in her head. Well, let me give you my best guess based on 10+ years of reading on this site and dealing with this shit:
What is probably going on is that she is busily building the case in her head. She is telling herself that she isn’t a bad person. And if she isn’t a bad person? Well then there must be some good reason that she behaved the way she did. Sure there is… something must have driven her to act the way she did! She’s not a bad person! As a matter of fact she is probably the victim here!
Yeah, that’s the ticket! She’s the victim.
If you think I am just tearing into your wife or her character as some kind of ad hominem attack please do not misunderstand. That kind of shit is not unique to your wife. That kind of shit isn’t even unique to WS’. That shit is a pretty basic human survival instinct.
The human ego is a fragile thing and it will go to some pretty fucking extreme lengths to protect itself. I mean seriously, do you think most people that do bad or even evil shit actually think to themselves “I am a bad evil person”? Of course they don’t. What they do is rationalize and justify their behavior until they can tell themselves that the reason they behaved in a bad or evil manner is because their hands were forced by outside factors.
There are no mustache twirling villains man. Just tragically flawed humans lying to themselves to justify their own self gratification.
The problem with that is that the longer the lies rationalizations and justifications go on, the more time people have to buttress, reenforce and polish them, the fucking harder it becomes to make them see the actual fucking truth. Let that shit go long enough, play the “waiting game” long enough, and it becomes damn near impossible.
I have seen that shit happen over and over and over again. Both here on this site and in my day to day life.
The fact is that there is a vanishingly small window of opportunity to try to make a person face the reality of their actions. That clock is ticking my friend.
And the only real way to make a person face the reality of their actions is by letting them actually deal with the fallout and repercussions.
Something that you seem inexplicably hesitant to do.
As I said before. You need to get real. And you need to get real real quick.
And listen, I am not some hard ass, hate all WS, just divorce and move on guy. Fuck, if anything I would be considered Proreconcilliation here on SI. But I am trying to get you to see that everything that you are doing right now to try to save your marriage is more likely to fucking torpedo it in the long run.
Probably the smartest thing that gets said around here is this: “You have to be willing to end your marriage in order to save it.” Truer words have not been spoken.
You desperately want to save this marriage. She knows that. So she knows that, no matter what she does, you seem likely to stick around… With her knowing that, given the choice between doing the difficult, arduous and ego bruising work of facing her Demons and fixing herself or continuing on with the status quo. Which one do you think she is going to fucking pick?
You don’t need to be a fortune teller to figure that one out.
Get real with her man. Figure out what you need to have in order to heal and then demand that as a condition of staying with her. Starting today.
But you gotta fucking mean it man. No bluffing, no trying to manipulate her with empty threats. You need to get there in your own head or it’s all fucking pointless.
Best of luck to you man. Strength and healing brother.