I predict she will not know what I mean,
OK ... when I'm invested in a relationship, and when I don't know what someone else in the relationship means, I ask questions. Why won't your W?
and so I will need to help her and spell it out.
Where does that come from?
I suspect it comes from co-dependance or grandiosity. You can't change her. You can't control her. She's an adult, and it makes no sense to treat her as if she's a child. You're not asking all that much of her, and you can assume she knows how to do research, how to read with understanding, etc.
So I need an article I can print out that describes R.
Yes, I think you do need something like that.
The thing is, you need to read it with ...um... understanding. The 'article' I'm about to show you guides you WRT what to look for in a remorseful WS. Your task is to compare your W's behavior to that of a remorseful WS and see similarities and differences, and act accordingly.
I think I've given you the link before. Did you read it? Why didn't it make an impact previously? Maybe the reason you didn't get what I thought you'd get from the post is healthy. Maybe not.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/what-every-wayward-spouse-needs-to-know.asp - if this resonates with you, I suggest printing it off and giving the printout to your H as 'something you found on the web.' My reco: DO NOT tell your H about SI until you're sure he's on board for R.
I have some difficulty with How to Help Your BS Heal..., because the author recommends love bombing and catering to the BS to the extent of what I think of not being honest about what the WS wants and doesn't want to do. I think dishonesty kills R. I think doing something for one's BS that one can't keep doing happily will hurt R.
A fellow BS, lordhasaplan?, gave me permission to share his R contract. His d-day was 7 months before mine. I've included it below. Would your W be willing to agree to do the things in the contract that you would like her to do? If not, you have a stark choice in front of you - walk, or live a very difficult life.
1. No contact with OM at all. Any attempts at contact by OM are to be brought to my attention and you are not to read anything that was sent by him, or answer phone if it is him. No conversation at all is to take place between the two of you.
2. Hard stop Deal Breakers:
a. Another affair and I am done
b. Any lies about any relationships with others I am done
c. Transparency at all times, you turn into a liar again, I’m out.
d. We don’t stop counseling without mutual agreement.
3. Complete openness for both of us, cell phones, email, any check is OK! Clothes wallet, checking acct etc…. Suspicion is now healthy for building trust.
4. Walls and Windows for both of us!
a. Never alone with another man/woman unless discussed ahead of time
b. Never alone in a car with another man/woman
c. No conversations about our marriage or any other marriage with another man/woman
d. Never bring anyone into our home without disclosure
5. Open and Honest Communication- No secrets, no matter how hard it will be to hear.
a. Discuss all attractions
b. Discuss all third party attention
c. Discuss all feelings good and bad
d. Be honest with yourself and aware of your feelings, then communicate that
6. Any questions about the affair are to be answered honestly for the rest of our life. Never be done answering questions about it.
7. Friday nights will be for scheduling our lives together.
a. Must plan at least one date night every other week
b. Must have at least 10 hour or more of our time
c. Must have at least one night of family fun time
8. Reconnecting and reassessing WE, I would like to do this daily but realize it won’t happen over time but once a week we can do this at least.
9. Meeting each others emotional needs. Reassessing how we are doing every quarter. Always have the conversation when they are not.
10. Contact about comings and goings at all times.
11. Do one thing special for each other a month, Give rather than take!
12. DS’s activities are a top priority for both of us. Any conflicts are to be discussed and addressed together.
13. We don't do anything in absence of one another that we wouldn't do in the others presence.
14. Confidants must be "friends of the marriage" and must be mutually agreed upon.
15. Social Happy Hours (outside of actual work functions) are to be attended together or not attended at all.
16. We never do anything without enthusiastic agreement between us.
[This message edited by sisoon at 1:44 PM, July 16th (Friday)]