From my distance, it looks like your wife has decided to live independent of your influence or input, and just do whatever she likes. And I think her decision to cheat while on vacation, and then come home and tell you what she did was her declaration of emotional independence.
Ever since that time, she has done the bare minimum for you. She has blamed you for her actions, and refused to take any real ownership of what she did. Beyond a very few statements about you being her world (not borne out by her actions), her attitude seems to be that she is going to do whatever she likes, and you can either go along with it and get an occasional pat on the head for being good, but if you question anything, you get treated coldly and with complete indifference for your feelings, and she does what she wants anyway.
This is a prime example of her framing you as irrelevant to her plans:
To make amends for how I handled things, I have changed my position and she's been doing some spending.
But resolving this is marriage related, and I don't feel ready to address it on any deeper level. And it is a moot point anyway, because she is going back to work to earn a salary herself, and what she said is very sweet, that she doesn't feel right asking me to work for 10 more years so she can buy a new SUV and a boat and jetskis and whatever else.
I personally find it interesting that she has firm plans for where that money is going to go.
I wasn't consulted or asked my opinion.
It seems to me she's doing exactly what I was doing that hurt her so badly. Granted this is early and she's just talking right now, but still... interesting. That is a topic for another discussion way down the line after we are firmly in R.
If what you did was so terribly wrong that you have to make amends for it by not saying anything negative about her cheating and letting her spend money however she likes, how is it right when she does it right back to you? How much apologizing are you going to do? You didn't cheat, and if you hadn't stopped her blowing money frivolously in the past you might be in a different position now as you approach retirement.
Essentially, your wife is acting like a loose cannon, doing whatever she wants, whether it is sex with other men, spending money, suggesting moving, and taking a job that gives her plenty of latitude to have whatever 'adventures' she wants to when she is away from home.
A healthy relationship is not one where one person indulges themselves with no regard about the impact of their actions, but it seems like your wife has adopted a 'treat him mean, keep him keen' approach, and it seems to be working out really well for her.
She has planned the next several years of her life, and it seems like you are free to go along as a passive passenger, but God forbid you take issue with anything she does, or you want any consideration from her, because you will be put in your place and shown that she is now 100% all about her.
That is a topic for another discussion way down the line after we are firmly in R.
Way down the line? If you are not ready to challenge any of her actions now, why will you be any more ready to do that a year from now, or five years from now? By that time she will have enforced her selfish dynamic for so long that it will have become the new norm for your relationship with her. And that will not be reconciliation; it will be subservience.
That is not a criticism of you; I am simply adding yet another very loud alarm bell to the chorus of them going off in this thread, because although our words may at times sound harsh, they are a reflection of how concerned we all are about the road you have started to head down.