You are being a masochist and it is disturbing to the vast majority of us here on SI.
First I can't rule out that I might be an asshole, or at least an asshole to her. I don't know how much I've shared but I've been on my heels a bit since the first MC. This is the one that thought I was an abuser. My perspective was that since the MC was a victim of spousal abuse, she transferred all that anger out on me in session. We used to start each session with the MC asking WW if I had been abusive since last session. Here is an example that WW brought up, but never confronted me on (and keep in mind this was after I had come up with a safe word she was to use if she was feeling abused):
WW brought up moving, new change of scenery, I told her "I feel exploited that you go off and have fling sex, and then want to buy a house. You know what? I'm going to quit my job on Monday. Good luck getting a mortgage." Childish? Yes. Abuse? I didn't think so. However, MC told me "That's it. If I hear about one more outburst I'm going to tell WW to kick you out and do a separation." This was maybe 10 weeks after d-day? I was so angry and hurt, I realized that I wasn't talking respectfully, but I didn't feel that I was given much allowance in the emotions from the adultery. But I shifted, no raised voice, no demands, calm requests.
This in NO WAY abusive on your part. No way. I'm not sure how the MC could have allowed this to stand.
And your WW twisted the entire MC experience into one grand gaslighting con job.
Yes, she played you right there. Can't you see that? She's played you dozens of times. She's probably been playing you the entire marriage. Playing you like a fiddle.
STOP any form of MC. How many times do you need to hear this from us? Just STOP IT.
I have some in-laws who know (WW told a few in her family), and I'm guessing that WW started the story that I'm an abuser, because nobody ever called me to check in or offer to talk. But I'm just guessing, I never asked her.
You're allowing this?! One of the first pieces of advice for a newly betrayed spouse is to EXPOSE to your WW's family to stop her from spreading a BS narrative. Have you done this? And why the hell not? So passive here, you let HER tell your in-laws? You suspect she told them a story? I have news for you: SHE DID!
I don't believe she is [PLAYING ME] I really don't. Now I believe she is clueless, but she's protecting herself from me somehow, from aggressive language, maybe from shame? I really have no idea.
Yes, she is playing you. Wake up. Come on, man, knock it off with the Mr. Nice Guy routine. You're not impressing anyone here with it.
And the comfort breaks, oy ve. Where did this come from? Whose idea was this? Such artificial and eye-rolling therapy-driven "I'm ok, you're ok" forced playacting. Yes, if I were her I would feel frustrated with this nonsense too because SHE DOESN'T FEEL IT authentically.
When will you see who she really is?
I'm not trying to insult you or put you down. I'm trying to get you to see reality here.
Have you read No More Mr. Nice Guy?
That has been asked several times here on this thread now.
And yes, you are acting passive aggressively, and that is a classic hallmark of Mr. Nice Guy syndrome. Here's an example:
I told WW that my journey on forgiveness has several steps.
Really, you told her this? And how did that go? Blank look, deer in the headlights, space alien pinwheels for eyes from your WW? Looking down and mumbling something half-hearted? Why did you need to TELL her anything?
And yes, your WW has lost respect for you. I don't say you deserve it. Your WW is a real basket case that many psychiatrists would have a field day with. But she's lost respect for you, and you've allowed it and even encouraged it with your behavior.
Here's the thing: You don't need HER respect. What you need is to start respecting yourself.
She doesn't deserve you. She doesn't deserve to be in a position to deny or grant respect to YOU.
There is a scientifically documented thing known as "the doormat effect" Research shows that wayward spouses seem to amp up the aggression and cruelty the more passive and apologetic and "pick me" the betrayed spouse behaves. The more the BS stands up on their own two feet, says ENOUGH and does a hard 180, the more a WS starts to desperately plead. You have done everything to encourage the doormat effect.
STOP BEING A DOORMAT.
[This message edited by Thumos at 12:07 PM, July 13th (Tuesday)]