If you are combing for WWs to give you an example of remorseful WW then go look at BraveSirRobin posts. I follow and post on the ‘ask the WS a question’ thread (over in I Can Relate forum) and have always felt their replies, not just to my questions, come from an genuine honest place, realistic responses and the truth.
The other post to read is head over to the wayward’s forum and look for DaddyDom’s post called “Admitting it vs. Getting it vs. Owning it vs. Living it” this is genderless advice about what a wayward needs to do to be a safe partner.
I’m unsure if you are blinding yourself via your KISA (knight in shining armour) tendencies (you are a MD, you like to help people so much you made it your profession) or if you a in love with the facade of the wife you thought you had, a little of both perhaps.
There is this moment that all us BS face, hammer in hand, we can choose to break the false mask our waywards wear in order to fully accept what we thought we saw/had was a fantasy spouse and then when the true spouse is revealed we make the choice of “is this person someone I can love, trust, feel safe and build a new marriage with and R? Or is this a person I cannot live with and D?” Or we drop the hammer, don’t break the mask and either try to ignore the person behind the mask (hurt all over again when they repeat) or forever be on alert what the stranger will do next. We all are in love with the mask/false/fantasy version of our spouses, some BS make themselves sick from agonising over what was before Dday to what they now see and desperately wish they could go back to the time before Dday because even if they know there is a stranger behind the mask they want that feeling of safety and love back.
Your wife is a cheater, she has patterns of unstableness, she lies and you’re trying so hard to hold onto the dream version of the wife you thought you had you are ignoring all of that to the point you’re still defending her. She could have a wall of awards for saving humanity that doesn’t matter because she could have been a saint to the world but to betray the one she vowed to never betray, to never hurt, to always protect and do that over and over, not choosing to stop (the AP stopped it then COVID kept them a part long enough to keep that wedge there) shows you that to you she is an unsafe spouse, a horrible person. Forget what good she does others, focus on the actions from the moment she entered your life, look at her timeline and compare, she has been lying to you the entire time how can you think of her as a good person when this is who she is.
Her excuses as to why are all shift blaming excuses and frankly low effort lies (she’s a MD surely she could have made up more believable lies but instead invented such bullsh*t), her actions are self preservation not empathy for you, no remorse, she is floundering and doesn’t know what to do to keep her safety net (the marriage) but that in itself shows how selfish she is thinking, none of her actions have been about you, your hurt, no remorseful action, not one.
It didn’t sink in until now, AP is married? Without the WW knowing you need to find a way to tell APS spouse. This is for three reasons, first it’s a kindness, put yourself in their shoes, you would want to know your spouse is cheating on you, it also makes it harder for the affair to continue if the OBS is involved. Next OBS (other betrayed partners) might know and might blow up some of your WWs lies, such as how long the affair has been going on, when it ended or if it even ended, it’s good to compare timelines with them. Lastly if your WW goes ballistic about you contacting the OBS you know she is still in contact with AP. Watch her after reaching out to OBS, see if her behaviour changes in anyway, depression and sadness are signs that she has been dumped, anger and lashing out at you for making it harder to reach AP etc etc.
[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 6:21 PM, July 8th (Thursday)]