Newest Member: Butterfly19

Just Found Out :
4 year affair, it hurts so much

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Pandora16 ( member #56906) posted at 10:04 PM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

So she outted him and demanding he be punished, while she herself is playing victim?

I was thinking something along these lines as well. Don’t be so quick to see her outing the AP as a positive towards your marriage. Didn’t the AP dump her? And she claims he tried to get back together with her, but that is according to her. She’s not exactly a trustworthy source. I suspect he rejected her again.

Her actions smell more like revenge than an attempt to save your marriage. Although she may also be trying to do that because she doesn’t have the AP to fall back on.

[This message edited by Pandora16 at 4:42 PM, July 15th (Thursday)]

D-Day #1 12/8/16 (ILYBINILWY), D-Day #2 12/17/16 (admitted to affair)

Divorced: 10/24/17
Married 20 years, together 24, 1 young adult son

posts: 252   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8675874
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M1965 ( member #57009) posted at 1:18 AM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

As gratifying as it may be that the AP is now suffering consequences for his actions, the facts of the past few years are that your WW betrayed you for four years, then betrayed her AP, and trashed his career.

There is a common theme: she will betray anyone on any given day, depending on which betrayal she believes will benefit her the most.

The capacity to betray both you and the AP does not transform her into a 'good' or trustworthy person. Quite the opposite. It proves that she will throw anyone under the bus if she sees some benefit for her in doing it.

As people have said, the AP threw her under the bus a year ago, and rejected her, so her actions now are nothing more than revenge for that. If she thinks she can get some kind of credit from you for getting her revenge, that is a bonus for her.

The truth is, she has betrayed both you and the AP. Divorcing her is definitely the best option, because she clearly has no loyalty to anyone.

posts: 1183   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2017   ·   location: South East of England
id 8675949
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redwing6 ( member #72593) posted at 12:05 PM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

Md,

Keep this thought in mind. Your marriage was destroyed when your WW chose to have sex with another man. Divorce is almost inevitable at that point. Less than 20% of Rs are successful. That doesn't mean you and your WW can't build a new relationship. That's more than possible. But, you both have issues to work out.

Those issues are huge. Your WW took a tremendous step in reporting her AP to hr. That tells me she's actually a reasonable candidate for true R.explain this to her. You might remarry, but it will be a very different marriage from what you had before.

But, the ball is in her court. She has a lot of heavy lifting to do for it to succeed. I think you have a chance, but I'll defer to the heavy hitters here, most of whom have been giving you excellent advice so far.

BH 58,
WW #2 D'd after 6month EA who scammed her out of our life savings
WW #1 51 since remaired twice continues to cheat even today
WW #2 Refuses to admit she wrecked our marriage
DD adult 32
DSD adult 33
DSS adult 30

posts: 251   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2020   ·   location: Savannah, GA
id 8676027
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 Confusedmd (original poster new member #78802) posted at 3:02 AM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

As all of you know, Im happy about the fallout for AP. But I got most of my confidence boost after filing for divorce. Like being set free from prison. I feel I regained control of my life, and my decisions. The grip of the affair on my mental wellbeing and thought process has loosened. I am now in control of my circumstances. In control of my destiny. It has been freaking liberating. I can live a life of a divorced man and father.

[This message edited by Confusedmd at 9:02 PM, July 16th (Friday)]

posts: 27   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2021
id 8676331
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redwing6 ( member #72593) posted at 3:32 AM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

I understand that confidence boost. My now XWW didn't think I'd file the paperwork for divorce...when I did and she got notice of the dissolution, she was shocked.

BH 58,
WW #2 D'd after 6month EA who scammed her out of our life savings
WW #1 51 since remaired twice continues to cheat even today
WW #2 Refuses to admit she wrecked our marriage
DD adult 32
DSD adult 33
DSS adult 30

posts: 251   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2020   ·   location: Savannah, GA
id 8676339
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 3:45 AM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

I can live a life of a divorced man and father.

It's a good thing that you're moving forward!

A few questions though:

How did your WW handled the news?
Did she handle it well? Did she cry?
Are you still living together?
Is there a timeline on when either of you will move out?
Have you talked about possible R or D is your intent moving forward? Is that a final decision or are you still giving her a chance for R?


Good luck!

posts: 387   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8676342
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Tempocontour ( member #65971) posted at 11:09 AM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

Been a few days since we heard from you. Hope you are doing ok.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Northeast
id 8677427
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Never2late ( new member #79079) posted at 7:16 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

Astonishing that you guys were saving yourselves prior to marriage....while she was screwing AP? Did I missunderstand that detail?

posts: 26   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2021
id 8677556
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scaredwoman ( member #78680) posted at 11:08 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

Astonishing that you guys were saving yourselves prior to marriage....while she was screwing AP? Did I missunderstand that detail?

Good question.

MD, I'm sorry you're here. I don't believe you've had a real marriage. The entire time you were married she had her side piece. I agree that if you proceed with the divorce you "could" try to start a new relationship with her. But at your age there are honest women out there who would never consider cheating on someone they love.

If you divorce, give yourself time to heal and move on. You never know what doors will open for you.

posts: 172   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8677599
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 Confusedmd (original poster new member #78802) posted at 8:47 AM on Friday, July 30th, 2021

Sorry for not updating for so long. Life has been so chaotic lately. About 1-2 weeks ago, my wife attempted suicide. We are still now at the hospital. I'm with her 24/7 to minimize/prevent her ideations. Our son is with his grandparents (WW's parents). I thought she was gonna die, but her vital signs have been stable, she is gonna make it. She is not stable mentally, though. Hopefully I'd have the time to post a longer update later tonight.

posts: 27   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2021
id 8679681
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 9:58 AM on Friday, July 30th, 2021

That's so sad, I hope your WW is doing well now.

posts: 387   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8679697
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rugswept ( member #48084) posted at 10:03 AM on Friday, July 30th, 2021

It's very good of you to help her through this very dark period. This obviously was not a fake attempt at her life, it was a real one.

You are a very good and upstanding person for doing the right thing. Given everything that has happened, you could have walked but chose to have compassion and show a real feeling for others.

I wish you both well.

R'd (rug swept everything) decades ago.
I'm big on R. Very happy marriage but can never forget.

posts: 962   ·   registered: Jun. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: Northeast US
id 8679706
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 11:14 AM on Friday, July 30th, 2021

Thank you for sharing your sense of liberation and control (exiting infidelity) - it's a very common reaction.

Your struggle (every stage you went through, including filing for divorce and feeling liberated) will help the next victim of infidelity.

What have you heard from the OBS?

Did your wife have any further contact with the AP?

I'm sorry she attempted suicide? Where? how?

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 5:14 AM, July 30th (Friday)]

posts: 2420   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8679775
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 11:25 AM on Friday, July 30th, 2021

You keep doing what you feel needs to be done.

Luckily, (1) her attempt failed, (2) hopefully she makes a full recovery, and (3) hopefully she can get the mental help that she needs.

If and when you feel up to it, gives us an update. There are many concerned people here.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3830   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8679779
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Tigersrule77 ( member #47339) posted at 2:10 PM on Friday, July 30th, 2021

Confusedmd, I'm very sorry you and your son are having to go through that. I cannot imagine how traumatic that is.

I wish your W the best in her recovery, physically and mentally.

Please remind yourself and your son that this not your fault, you had nothing to do with it. I hope you also seek counseling, when you can. You have had a lot to deal with.

posts: 1525   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8679798
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 Confusedmd (original poster new member #78802) posted at 8:45 AM on Saturday, July 31st, 2021

Hi! Hope you all still remember me.

A couple weeks ago, I told my wife how it felt unfair that her and the OM didn't get any consequence for ruining my life. She responded by outing him amd ruining his career. What I didn't know was that she also planned on committing suicide, to pay for what she did to me. She went to a lawyer and transferred everything that belonged to her, including her very big inheritance, to my name. The next day, she left a very lengthy suicide note and then went to a hotel room to take her life. I read the letter and through a hunch, guessed where she went. I found her hanging with a rope around her neck, I think she jumped from the chair a few seconds before I got inside because she was still conscious when I managed to cut the rope. She was also bleeding from a cut on her left wrist. Tears fell from her eyes when she saw it was me. I didn't know what to feel. I actually passed out during the ambulance ride to the hospital, but only for a few seconds.

Now her condition is good. She writes me a letter everyday in the hospital. I had to be kind to her. I probably made a mistake when I lied and told her that I changed my mind and will not leave her anymore, just so she would calm down and make it easier for me.

So that's the update. I will post her letter here, but it needs to be translated to English. Do any of you have any words of wisdom for this shit show?

posts: 27   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2021
id 8680080
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 9:48 AM on Saturday, July 31st, 2021

I'm sorry for the horrible things you've been through.

I think there's a psychiatrist or psychologist taking care of your WW now. I would advise you not to do anything about it without explaining the situation and your intention to him/her and taking his/her advice.

Best wishes for you and your WW.

posts: 501   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8680082
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Kindern ( new member #78441) posted at 9:56 AM on Saturday, July 31st, 2021

It’s a sensitive subject but I have to ask how serious were her injuries?

I ask because A) the chances of you stepping in just as she stepped off the chair are astronomically low and B) she’s a doctor. If anyone knows how to effectively kill themselves it’s them.

I’m asking because whether this was a genuine attempt or something designed to draw maximum pity are two very different scenarios. You would obviously know best but did this seem like a genuine attempt to end her own life or… and I know it’s terrible to doubt this kinda thing, or did she setup something for you walk in on? A doctor would know how long a wrist slit one way or the other would take to kill them. It’s horrible to doubt this kinda behaviour but this situation is a little unusual.

posts: 32   ·   registered: Mar. 4th, 2021   ·   location: Uk
id 8680084
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 12:09 PM on Saturday, July 31st, 2021

That's a tough one, doc!

She transferred literally everything she owns to you, including her future properties, then proceeded to end her life. I believe she was really intent on ending her life that moment. Good thing you went with your gut. Had you been a minute later, she would have succeeded.

Right now, she has literally nothing, just you! Everything she owns now has been transferred to you but her plans didn't succeed. Thank God for that! But the thing is, once she gets back, she would only have to lean on you because she has nothing now. So it's really tough on your part.

Right now, focus on your wife's well-being first. Take it one day at a time. Once everything is settled then that's the time to proceed to whatever is the step you want to take. Her mental and physical health is the focus now.

All the best!

posts: 387   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8680093
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:18 PM on Saturday, July 31st, 2021

I’m sorry for you. I hope you can heal from all of this.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10686   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8680096
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