Newest Member: Butterfly19

Just Found Out :
4 year affair, it hurts so much

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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 12:38 PM on Saturday, July 31st, 2021

If you plan on eventually leaving but want to insure she is stable…wait. She isn’t right now. Whether this was for attention or a real attempt it still shows a very damaged person. Gradually, gradually return her money. Gradually, using a therapist who is trained in this, either reconcile or move slowly away from her mentally.

She should have some sort of diagnostic by the time she is released. The doc looking after will probably have some suggestions.

The one thing she has to eventually accept is that she harmed you emotionally and damaged the marriage.

This is going to take time.

I hope you are looking after yourself. All of this has a powerful impact on your health.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2945   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8680098
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 1:08 PM on Saturday, July 31st, 2021

Doc, do you have your own therapist? You need one that specializes in trauma. I agree w also talking to her therapist about the best role for you to play here given the background of what she did.

She has a long road of recovery here. You have free will in choosing whatever role you want to play in it. You already saved her life. She acted singularly in what she chose to do, leaving you out of it. I know it was probably because she knew you wouldn’t agree to the transfer of assets or outing the AP, but she could have worked hard to convince you that she needed to give these things to you to help you both heal.

If you feel strongly that you want to be there to support her recovery, then do so. But be open about how there is a long road for both of you and you don’t know what’s at the end of it, but for right now you care enough about her to help her regain her strength.

I’m sorry for the detour life has taken you. I’m glad you are strong enough to help her through this mental illness. But get support for you. You’ve had a traumatic event and seeking assistance is a smart thing to do.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3199   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8680099
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clouds777 ( member #72442) posted at 1:34 PM on Saturday, July 31st, 2021

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Please find a counselor for yourself to help you navigate this trauma.

No matter what, she is not owed reconciliation. You do not have to be a martyr not matter what you promised in the middle of trauma. Her mental health instability does not negate what she chose to do to you. It also did not cause her to do it..

You can be supportive to ensure she gets the mental health support she needs and is given time to recover. But that support does not have to be from you directly and you are absolutely not obligated to stay because of her mental health. I would think it would be healthier NOT to stay, at least for some time. Her healing should not be based on you changing your mind so she's OK now. I cannot imagine the pressure that puts you under and that isn't fair. This is yet another situation she is putting you in. Again, I'm not minimizing the seriousness of suicidal ideation but it is not your fault and not your problem. Do not allow yourself to be depended on for her healing. That's all on her and her doctor and support system - not you.

You've endured so much already so make sure you are also getting professional support and making the right decisions for you. Let her doctors and family help her make the right decisions for her. While this suicide attempt is very serious and should be taken very seriously, it is not your fault or your problem to solve.

[This message edited by clouds777 at 1:56 PM, July 31st (Saturday)]

posts: 133   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2020
id 8680100
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ronjs ( member #51741) posted at 5:22 PM on Saturday, July 31st, 2021

As I previously stated she urgently needs a good, reputable psychiatrist, not a psychologist.

I strongly believe there is psychopathology, originating in her childhood.

This is a urgent requirement.

The suicide attempt was serious!!

Providing her support, does not mean you intend to remain married.

May God give you the grace, strength, understanding and compassion, to support her and ‘heap coals of fire on her head.’

Cheers

Ron

posts: 55   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2016   ·   location: Australia
id 8680134
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Newlifeisgreat ( member #71308) posted at 6:45 PM on Saturday, July 31st, 2021

Sorry you are going through yet another trauma caused by her.

Once my ex realized that I was going to file, he tried to commit suicide 3 times.

Going through it was tough, especially on my

Kids And her family, but looking back on it I see it as more examples of her being selfish.

This may sound cold, but I don’t mean it to be. While no one wants to see her dead, don’t allow her to manipulate you by threatening self-harm. Do what is best for you.

Good luck and stay strong

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 1:00 PM, July 31st (Saturday)]

Betrayed SpouseShe cheated and I filed immediately upon discovering. She never even suspected that I knew until the moment she was served with reason being AdulteryDivorced 9/18Now VERY happy with new life, 0 regrets

posts: 664   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2019
id 8680145
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Aletheia ( member #79172) posted at 9:57 PM on Saturday, July 31st, 2021

CMD I’m so so sorry. Hope your wife recovers and heals and that you and you’re coping and son is ok. While I know it’s natural for you to be focused on your wife’s health, but please care after yourself as well.

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to “Life is short” you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 210   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Everywhere & nowhere
id 8680196
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Shockedmom ( member #44708) posted at 10:46 PM on Saturday, July 31st, 2021

I am so sorry for the traumas visited upon you. This was a tragically flawed approach to right her wrongs. Hopefully there is a strong team ready to guide her through her issues. I hope you are seeking help to deal with this as well.

Again, I am so sorry.

posts: 1060   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2014   ·   location: Hawaii
id 8680210
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 Confusedmd (original poster new member #78802) posted at 1:41 AM on Wednesday, August 18th, 2021

Sorry for being out for so long. I'm touched that some people who are on the other side of the world who don't know me are asking if I'm alright.
So basically her letter included the whole timeline of everything. It spanned the time from when and how they first met, to when and how we first met, and her mindset and everything she felt during those times. It was like a journal of sorts, interspersed with and interrupted with love letters for me throughout.

She exposed herself, her issues, and her possible whys. She felt terrible for what she did to me. She didn't know how to make up for even 1% of what she did to me, and that's why she gave everything to me and tried to commit suicide. She figured she will give me my life back by erasing herself, the one who caused all of this, and then I could start my life all over again without worrying about how she hurt me, or how to find money.

Since we came home from the hospital, and with help from therapists, she has actually changed this way of thinking. Now she has been infused with new hope. She feels we can survive through this and that she can make everything right again. Of course I'm just tagging along all this time, telling her I would try my best, but knowing that I would divorce her once she has reasonably regained her mental well-being. That being said, I must admit that I've been enjoying her renewed passion for me the last few weeks. It feels really good to be wanted.

I think I can forgive her. But it doesn't mean that our marriage has been irretrievably destroyed from its very foundation.

She promised me to never attempt to take her life again. Once I'm sure that she wouldn't, I'm gonna start thinking about my future. But before that,I now have this very inconvenient task of returning everything she gave to me back to her name.

posts: 27   ·   registered: May. 16th, 2021
id 8684074
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LostOpportunities20 ( member #74401) posted at 2:32 AM on Wednesday, August 18th, 2021

I'm glad you seem to be feeling stronger emotionally and that your WW is recovering.

You're a good man, and the karma balance will be even more in your favor for how you have been able to show mercy to your tormentor even though this new difficulty and despite the fact you are still firm in your decision to D.

BH (late 40s)
WW (late 40s) EA 2008, EA/probably PA 2009

Confessed the first, I caught her the second.

R only in as much as we'll stick it out. Too late to start over.

posts: 112   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2020
id 8684083
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Jameson1977 ( member #54177) posted at 5:20 AM on Wednesday, August 18th, 2021

My WW is in health care and had a PA and another EA with surgeon’s (not my favourite profession) so no offence!

What your WW has written recently about her reasoning is very similar to what my WW told me after months and years of TT. I guess in a somewhat warped mind, it might make sense, but ultimately, it comes down to, she wanted it, so did he, and she made decision after decision to continue the A. My WW also pined after the last AP for a while after he had what he wanted and discarded her. It made me furious. She also said that she tried to be friends with him so there was "something" good that came from it……yeah. My WW read (very little here) MrsWalloped’s first post and did say that a lot of what she described resonated with my WW, so maybe there is some insight there for you. MrsWalloped was certainly candid in her posts.

I commend you for thinking of your WW’s wellbeing after her suicide attempt. My WW took 600 mg of morphine and I was also fortunate enough to be able to intervene. This is one of those moments of this whole shit show that I still have not really addressed. I think about that night sometimes but I never let myself really dig into it. It was a very tough thing to go through. I had friends that’s were looking out for me tell me it was manipulative. I don’t believe that. It was calculated and planned and I happened to be in the right place at the right time to intervene.

I completely understand how you are providing her with positivity and helping her through this very hard time for both of you, and totally understand that you would let her know about your choice to D once she is stable. Very selfless, and I commend you for that.

I know you touched on the timeframe of getting pregnant. I would go through with DNA testing. Something tells me there is more to this.

posts: 720   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2016
id 8684094
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Jacobwakeup ( new member #78699) posted at 7:06 AM on Wednesday, August 18th, 2021

Hi OP. Very sorry you are having to deal with this mess.

Some quick questions first.

1) Has her affair been exposed to her family (sorry if I missed this) as, IMO, they will need to take the leading role in her mental health recovery?

2) What is to stop her trying this all over again when you divorce her?

3) Assuming you are the father of your child, what are you going to do about custody because, given her past actions, I would have real fears here? At best, she will neglect the baby, at worse, she will harm or take the child’s life. I would never be able to leave my child in the care of a woman who did all this.

4) Why hasn’t she been sectioned under Mental Health Acts?

5) It seems pretty obvious she will never be able to work in her chosen field again (might get a job stacking shelves). If you divorce, how is she going to support herself and what effect will that have on how much you have to pay?

My wife and I have experience of suicide in our family and it’s impact. This is going to be harsh but, in cases like this, the person committing suicide is a coward. She wasn’t trying to free you to live a good life after her death. She was trying to leave you in a permanent state of guilt and despair over her death that would be a life long sentence for you and your child. She wanted you to be the one who found her, for those images to be burned on your brain forever. Her selfishness carried right through to what she thought would be her death. No thought for those who had to find her, no thought for those left behind except extreme selfishness.

From your description, I am pretty convinced this was a real attempt to end her life, not one of these "fake suicides". I don’t think it will be the last attempt either, especially if you divorce her.

So, she has you caught between a rock and hard place. Do you leave and run the risk of her suicide or do you stay to look after her and your child? You have to applaud her cunning but then it takes a lot of cunning to have a 5 year affair?

Personally, I would have her committed to a mental health facility so that she is looked after properly which would also allow me to live my life.

For those who would condemn me for this post, I speak from experience here and know the damage that is done, even after 35 + years. Walk a mile in our shoes!

Pottering About

posts: 23   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2021   ·   location: England
id 8684099
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Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 10:09 PM on Wednesday, August 18th, 2021

This woman has some serious mental illness issues and smart or not, she is not a safe partner right now.

Have you considered IC for yourself to get some objective perspective on your situation? I think it would be very helpful. You need someone to guide you through looking at all of her actions in total in order to make an educated decision regarding your future.

Cat

FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

posts: 32943   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2003   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 8684256
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 11:51 AM on Thursday, August 19th, 2021

I have a suggestion with respect to the substantial amount of money/assets she transferred to you prior to her attempted suicide.

Go slow. Do not rush the transfer back into her name. Among other considerations, those funds/assets are for your children's (and someday their children's) benefit too.

Your wife may always be unstable/high risk and never reach a point where she can reliably manage money/property.
She may also marry some POS that spends her money on himself or his kids.

You have a unique opportunity (voice) to protect your kids.

Talk to an attorney about setting up some sort of arrangement (maybe it's a trust fund) where a professional manages the trust fund for the benefit of your kids & wife (and any other children she has) - and where you retain ultimate supervision/control.

posts: 2420   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8684330
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oldmanchris ( new member #78645) posted at 1:11 AM on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

Hoping you’re still in control and making the best choices for yourself. Hang in there bud.

Feo fuerte y formale

posts: 20   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2021
id 8686337
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oldmanchris ( new member #78645) posted at 2:38 AM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021

How have things been? I know it may not sound like much, but I’ve been praying for you (and your missus)

Feo fuerte y formale

posts: 20   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2021
id 8691905
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