4 year affair, it hurts so much
Just found out of a 4 year long EA/PA. I dont know what to do about it. More than the years we've been married. Then he dumped her, she pursued him for another year. Then, when he knew that she was now living long distance from me, he tried to start the affair again, and that's when she finally said no.
Asked her a million questions, but having a hard time believing her answers. She says she loved (loves?) me even during the affair. She said she never planned on leaving me. But why did she stay for 4 years with him, and why did she run after him for another year? 5 years of her giving more effort for the affair than for our relationship. They even had a "relationship song" together. Denied me sex, but doubled the effort for OM.
Will the pain stop? Will I be able to forgive her? What happened is soul crushing. Does anyone have a worse story here than me? Or even a similar one? Can anyone please help me.
144 comments posted: Sunday, July 4th, 2021
Archived Conversation in Fb Messenger
I'm 30 years old, married to my wife (32) for almost 2 years. About 2 months ago, my wife told me that she got a friend request from her ex from 9 years ago. He was her first love, first sex, first everything, but due to him serially cheating, she broke up with him, but not without so much heart ache on her part. We met about a year or two later, started a relationship in 2015, and married on June 2019. We have a son born last June 2020.
Anyway, the last time that they had communication was in 2013, until she apparently had received a friend request last Feb or March from him. She knows that I have feelings of jealousy about him, and it has been a sort of unwritten rule that she would never contact him again, and she would tell me if he did contact her (It's an offshoot of our agreement of no secrets, nothing hidden in our marriage esp with regards to things that might threaten our marriage.) She told me about the friend request about 2-4 weeks after (when, per our agreement, it should have been disclosed immediately). She said she declined the friend request. I was a bit worried but let it pass since it was just something minor.
Everything else has been unsuspicious until 1 week ago, when I logged into her messenger account (we both have each others' PW on everything, and regularly check the others' SM accounts. I rarely do this, but out of a hunch, I went to her archived messages, and there was a missed call from her ex at 1am the previous night while I was at work. It wasn't answered, but why would she hide it from me?
I tried to remain calm and waited for her to eventually tell me, but she didnt. On the 3rd day, I couldn't hold it any longer so I confronted her about it. We had a very bad fight (mostly because of me), and she said she saw the missed call but has no idea how it was transferred to the archived messages. We fought the entire day, I was very angry why she did not tell me about it but instead hid it from me, she denied any wrongdoing.
I made her ask him why he called, but he replied that he "wrong pressed." I called bullshit. How can you wrongly press "call" on a messenger account that you haven't been in contact with since 2012?
About 2 days ago, he again called her, and when she didnt answer, he proceeded to ask her why she isn't answering. Since our last fight, Ive been kind and calm, but I don't know why he has the balls to suddenly keep calling my wife out of the blue, and more than once at that.
Am I just being overly obsessive and harsh about it? Or should I investigate further?
36 comments posted: Tuesday, May 18th, 2021