Newest Member: Loyalandbetrayed

Just Found Out :
Broken and lost

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Countingsheep65 ( Member #56000) posted at 4:09 AM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

Tomorrow’s Monday, go to the bank!

Doesn’t matter if he finds out you transfered money, it’s yours too. And if he’s that dumb to start moving money (if he did realize you did this, ) then that doesn’t look good for him, specially if you do decide to hire a attorney. All the accounts can be traced.

He has said nothing about when he’s coming home?

I hope TheFirstWife can help you out.

posts: 424   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2016
id 8660061
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 GShale (original poster Member #78790) posted at 5:27 AM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

He has a flight back this week.

I just want him home. Do not want to do anything till he is home. Will be talking to a lawyer here this week.

posts: 51   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2021
id 8660071
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Ifnotnow ( New Member #77201) posted at 7:13 AM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

Sorry for being blunt in the following, but because your situation is so like mine was, I had to add something.

Of course you WANT nothing but your husband to come home and explain, apologise, make up for it, clarify...be the man he was before. Of course you want to curl up in a ball, stop hurting and thinking, just hybernating, until he reappears. And of course deep down you want for things to just be as they were.

But here is the thing: What we WANT is pretty irrelevant in a situation like this. It will never be the way it was - maybe better, maybe worse, maybe not at all. He will never be the same man and father in your eyes.

He has put himself and his needs before your child, you and your life together. This was a conscious decision. He has allowed for you to become a PASSIVE, helpless, waiting heap of pain. But worse, much, much worse: He has abondoned his son for the fullfillment of his ego. He could have facetimed him nonetheless - but he did not. That is a horrible error of judgement as to prioritisation.

What is crucial though: It is your decision if to accept that role of passive, depondant wife assigned to you by him or to step up and beyond what you want to do what is needed - both for you and your son - and ultimately for the mental picture your husband has of you.

He may still love you - but he does not RESPECT you. He has accepted you as the willing (if ignorant) accomplice in getting away. That shows how little worth he attributes to your self esteem. Do not accept that projection of your character by doing what he expect you to do: sit and wait. Get into action. At the very least, get your money, a lawyer, somewhere alternative to stay, a good, specialised therapist/coach (NOT an MC) and make a list of the things you expect from him now - eben if it is only for yourself.

You owe this to your son.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2021
id 8660075
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Ifnotnow ( New Member #77201) posted at 7:13 AM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

Sorry for being blunt in the following, but because your situation is so like mine was, I had to add something.

Of course you WANT nothing but your husband to come home and explain, apologise, make up for it, clarify...be the man he was before. Of course you want to curl up in a ball, stop hurting and thinking, just hybernating, until he reappears. And of course deep down you want for things to just be as they were.

But here is the thing: What we WANT is pretty irrelevant in a situation like this. It will never be the way it was - maybe better, maybe worse, maybe not at all. He will never be the same man and father in your eyes.

He has put himself and his needs before your child, you and your life together. This was a conscious decision. He has allowed for you to become a PASSIVE, helpless, waiting heap of pain. But worse, much, much worse: He has abondoned his son for the fullfillment of his ego. He could have facetimed him nonetheless - but he did not. That is a horrible error of judgement as to prioritisation.

What is crucial though: It is your decision if to accept that role of passive, depondant wife assigned to you by him or to step up and beyond what you want to do what is needed - both for you and your son - and ultimately for the mental picture your husband has of you.

He may still love you - but he does not RESPECT you. He has accepted you as the willing (if ignorant) accomplice in getting away. That shows how little worth he attributes to your self esteem. Do not accept that projection of your character by doing what he expect you to do: sit and wait. Get into action. At the very least, get your money, a lawyer, somewhere alternative to stay, a good, specialised therapist/coach (NOT an MC) and make a list of the things you expect from him now - eben if it is only for yourself.

You owe this to your son.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2021
id 8660076
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LostInHisFog ( Member #78503) posted at 7:17 AM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

Read up on things WS do and say (healing library) to arm yourself for this confrontation. It's harder to protect yourself when a WH is in front of you. It's very easy to rug sweep especially if you don't want to end the marriage. It's very easy for them to shift-blame and minimalize. He has an entire plane ride home to figure out his "story", he probably got advice from OW what to say as well, so you need to be equally primed and ready.

"Communicating With a Foggy WS"

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/communicating-with-foggy-wayward-spouse.asp

I posted this because he has been living in an uninterrupted fantasyland for days, his outlook on life is messed up, be prepared in case there is a lot of fog talk could be going on when you face him. Also be prepared of some hurtful smug attitude, his ego has been fed uninterrupted for days now, his arrogance is going to be at the highest it's ever been. Still think if you have a friend nearby, if they're brave enough, to be with you when he steps through the door, if for nothing else but to take your baby for a walk while the two of you talk/yell (but having them there may protect you from some of his deliberate verbal attacks.)

The best advice I can give is squash the excuses as soon as they spill out of his mouth, don't even let them have air. He will shift the blame off of him and onto you, the marriage, his mental health, absolutely anything and everything instead of taking ownership of being a mega piece of cheating shit. You'll probably hear sayings like "I wasn't happy", "we weren't having good sex", "you never listen to me", "I am so depressed" .... basically excuses that even the best mind reader wouldn't have picked up on, mostly because those are lies too.

The other is don't be me, please stay brave, mine said he was sorry and cried and went on and on about being depressed and needing help and I wanted the marriage so badly I didn't see that the marriage was done, I thought if he was so sorry and loving we could just move forward. He also minimalized "it's not an affair" it's not sex" "it's not what you think" etc etc it was ALL LIES and me caving, being desperate enough wanting to keep my young family together, I'm now paying the price over a decade later. So much harder dealing with it now being older, having more finances tied etc I was too scared to see that nothing was fixed back then, was too hurt and in love to see the difference between him feeling bad for being found out/having his fun cut off vs actual remorse.

Arm yourself with the knowledge about the typical WS responses/excuses to expect so you can practice the confrontation in your mind and figure out your responses (it helps.) Arm yourself with the knowledge of yours and your son's legal rights (via lawyer) because if it is over for him (unsure if he has cut his trip short to return?) he may say 'definite' things like "I want you out" or "she is moving here" or "I'm keeping my boy but you can leave" so you need to be able to stand up for yourself with your legal knowledge of your rights and go "no, this is my house and she isn't allowed here if she arrives I will call the police" "no, he is my son and he stays with me" "no, you can leave, this is my house and I'm staying" etc, a WH who wants out can and will manipulate and bully.

I hope other SI members who have confronted their wayward that first time will offer their advice for you too, because it is so jarring when they're in your face.

Good luck, be strong.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 5:23 AM, May 17th (Monday)]

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 149   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8660077
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annb ( Member #22386) posted at 10:54 AM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

I just want him home. Do not want to do anything till he is home. Will be talking to a lawyer here this week.

Please, please stand strong. He should have hopped on the first plane home, but he didn't, why?

Please listen to the members here who have walked in your shoes.

Don't be desperate and pathetic and beg when he gets home. Be powerful not pathetic, because guaranteed he will justify his actions by placing some of the blame on YOU.

Ifnotnow makes great points. Listen, listen, listen, please.

posts: 11257   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8660078
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 12:46 PM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

To be honest I think a lot of the suggestions made are more focused on revenge than result…

IMHO you should seriously look into some factors:

You mention Australia and Singapore and that your husband flew halfway across the globe to meet his OW in NY. As is then Singapore has some of the most draconian Covid-prevention measures. I’m not sure if your husband needs to quarantine for 14 or 21 days and/or if he can do so at home or at a government provided location. If at home then he needs to be TOTALLY separated from you and TOTALLY dependent on you for groceries and such.

You are IMHO at least 2 weeks away from your face-to-face IMHO…

I sense from your posts that you don’t want to divorce. Well… it’s not necessarily an issue of what you want, but rather what you are forced to accept. Often in dealing with infidelity it becomes choosing between the lesser of two evils. Your evils right now might be to either accept he has a lover in NY and he keeps in contact with her OR that you need to file.

What your actions might – or might not – do is make him pull his head out of his Xss and realize what’s going on. It MIGHT make him realize that what he’s offering you isn’t realistic and it might make him return to the marriage. Or not.

Either way it enables YOU to get out of infidelity.

Your first step right now might be to look into where you should or could file. Singapore or Australia? Look into where you can file from a legal stand-point and what country might offer you the better conditions. I know that in Indonesia adultery can be grounds for a divorce; would that benefit you in any way?

Then look at your life. Why are you in Singapore? Will you remain there if you divorce? Can you reasonably maintain your lifestyle post-divorce?

Look at all those factors. Not because you want to divorce, but rather because divorce might become necessary IF your husband insists on having his affair. Knowing what you might be facing will greatly ease any fears you might have for the future.

The advice on the financial side is good. I don’t know the ease of moving money from your local bank to a foreign account, but you should be very aware of any ability or possibility your husband might have to move money around. I know that I can place a limit on transactions I can make online – maybe check if you can do the same with your accounts?

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8660086
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HellFire ( Member #59305) posted at 1:13 PM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

You just found out. He has known. He has been planning. He is steps ahead of you.

There is nothing wrong with taking steps to make sure he doesn't leave you and your child destitute. If any part of him loves you,he will understand that.

This is not the man you married right? The man you married wouldn't have an affair. This man is not the man you married. This man is hurtful, and unpredictable. You must go to the bank, and protect yourself.

posts: 3706   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8660090
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HellFire ( Member #59305) posted at 1:17 PM on Monday, May 17th, 2021

he’ll start working on the other accounts I do not have access to.

You putting money in your own account, will not affect this. You already don't have access to some of his accounts. Nothing will change there. However, that he has accounts you can not access is very telling. It's a red flag that he has been planning this for awhile. You should have access to all bank accounts.

posts: 3706   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8660091
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 GShale (original poster Member #78790) posted at 6:08 AM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

The joint account pays for the rent, bills etc. No we do not own our place. We sold our property in Australia before moving.

I cannot take the money out of there.

This is what being too trusting and loving someone does. It leaves you vulnerable. I feel so stupid right now.

posts: 51   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2021
id 8660382
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Organic2003 ( Member #69811) posted at 7:46 AM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

(((GShale)))

This is what being too trusting and loving someone does. It leaves you vulnerable. I feel so stupid right now

A marriage and love are expected to be with someone who loves, respects you and you expect that person to "have your back". YOU ARE NOT STUPID but that is certainly how most of us have felt after being betrayed by the person we trust the most.

Now the problem is, I think you are very vulnerable and that must be fixed ASAP. I know you are in terrible shape now, not knowing what is the right thing to do. So now you must go into the next days very selfish, planning for the worst and hoping for the best. I think you want to and can save your marriage but that is second to protecting yourself first. Anything you do that upsets him can be undone if he become reconciliation (R) material.

Get angry now! Make his life as miserable as possible quickly and show you have some control.

I hope he has not thought things out too far, but he may have! and you need to hire an attorney and start freezing accounts and assets.

In my first marriage I was blindsided by someone who was so far ahead of me and took almost everything using completely legal methods, do not allow him to do that to you. She did it in a step by step method over years of lawsuits. Even after catching her cheating I somehow trusted her to be honest in the divorce.

The idea of cutting off his credit cards and money supply because he is misusing marital property has merit, please consider this fast. Or just do it and deal with his anger later this is your money too. He may be cutting your money supply already. I can assure you if you were the cheater and he was at home waiting for you, cutting off the money would be the top advice on this board.

I hope you are staying as strong as possible during what is now a horrible painful time.

You will find most marriages are saved with very tough love. Blow up his little world now. Do not do this out of revenge but to protect yourself and blow some of the fog in his mind away.

Respectfully,

Organic2003

[This message edited by Organic2003 at 1:55 AM, May 18th, 2021 (Tuesday)]

There is opportunity in EVERYTHING

posts: 137   ·   registered: Feb. 19th, 2019
id 8660392
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 GShale (original poster Member #78790) posted at 10:05 AM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

Duplicate

[This message edited by GShale at 4:09 AM, May 18th (Tuesday)]

posts: 51   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2021
id 8660399
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 GShale (original poster Member #78790) posted at 10:05 AM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

Duplicate

[This message edited by GShale at 4:08 AM, May 18th (Tuesday)]

posts: 51   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2021
id 8660400
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 GShale (original poster Member #78790) posted at 10:05 AM on Tuesday, May 18th, 2021

Thank you for the reply.

[This message edited by GShale at 8:38 AM, May 18th (Tuesday)]

posts: 51   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2021
id 8660401
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Organic2003 ( Member #69811) posted at 9:51 PM on Thursday, May 20th, 2021

Dear (((GShale)))

He has a flight back this week.

I just want him home. Do not want to do anything till he is home. Will be talking to a lawyer here this week.

First and foremost how are you holding up? Have you been able to eat, sleep and take general care of your mental and physical health?

Did you husband come home yet? What has he been doing to help you or hopefully not hurt you further.

Respectfully,

Organic2003

There is opportunity in EVERYTHING

posts: 137   ·   registered: Feb. 19th, 2019
id 8661282
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 GShale (original poster Member #78790) posted at 10:07 AM on Sunday, May 23rd, 2021

He is back but in quarantine for the next few weeks. Cannot discuss this on the phone. Will wait till he is home.

Not sleeping or eating too well but will keep reminding myself to take care of myself and our boy. Need to stay positive and pray for strength

[This message edited by GShale at 4:09 AM, May 23rd (Sunday)]

posts: 51   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2021
id 8661957
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Jambomo ( Member #74853) posted at 10:36 AM on Sunday, May 23rd, 2021

Stay positive and use this time for you. Work through how you feel and focus on your life.

You’ve realised that you are in a vulnerable position in financial terms because of the control he has on things so how can you change that going forward? (whether you divorce or reconcile, it’s not so healthy to be in a position where you totally rely on him - though understand it’s very easy in a relationship for that to happen so it’s not your fault). Same goes for other areas really, it’s a horrible thing to happen to us but it can be a time to change this you aren’t happy with as well.

Good luck when he gets back, take care of yourself and your son.

posts: 240   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020   ·   location: Scotland
id 8661959
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 GShale (original poster Member #78790) posted at 2:02 PM on Sunday, May 23rd, 2021

Yes I realise how vulnerable I am and will change that no matter what route I take. I am still in shock this has happened. When does the pain subside?

posts: 51   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2021
id 8661978
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Bonetired ( Member #78518) posted at 3:46 PM on Sunday, May 23rd, 2021

It's different for everyone.Depends on several factors such as the situation itself and what you do going forward from here.A good support group,IC,and preparedness play a big role.I went through an existential crisis myself.What was supposed to be and the reality waged battle.I struggled with my emotional side and my logical side.Felt like I was being torn apart.After awhile everything aligned and the more that time had passed the more the two sides of me started to fit together again.It's so hard not to let your emotions make decisions at this time but essential.It's important to feel what needs to be felt how ever it can leave you vulnerable too when it comes to your WS.I often wish while reading some of these posts that another person could take over for awhile until the hard part is done. Unfortunately this is your part to play.No stunt doubles for this role.☹️

posts: 340   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Grand Rapids
id 8661988
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BlackRaven ( Member #74607) posted at 8:24 AM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

My psychiatrist told me to try the breakfast shake/protein drinks as well, so I second that recommendation.

Also, in my state, once a person files for legal separation or divorce, it essentially freezes the assets, and the partner can't do anything to them without court approval.

A filing can always be withdrawn if things work out.

I know you are planning on speaking with a lawyer. My recommendation is to ask about it. Filing in court may protect your assets and also will shake him up so that he knows you aren't fooling around.

Also, I suggest you put some of your sleuthing skills into documenting your assets. You know what your house sold for. Do you know where the money is? Get copies of what you can.

(And copies of the twitter exchanges, before he deletes them.)

Can you arrange for your son to stay with someone for a few days when your H is out of quarantine. It might be best since it will be an emotional time.

posts: 283   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
id 8662402
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