Newest Member: HeartbrokenWife76

Just Found Out :
Broken and lost

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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 3:53 AM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

I do not want to act now because I am upset and angry. I need time to process all this and gather as much information as I can.

That's understandable. What I'm worried about though is that every minute your WH is gone, he's adding to the damage. And that's part of the reason people come here to talk with others who have already had the experience, so you can find out where the potholes are. Seriously, you're a grown woman and you have agency. You can take action when/if you're ready. What I'm trying to warn you about is that while you're doing your investigation to see what's already happened, your WH is making new memories with someone else. He'll have a week's worth of tender memories of his betrayal and you'll have a difficult time getting through the fog he'll be enveloped in by the time he returns. A week of all-night sex, room service, fancy restaurants, holding hands in public, etc. And yes... if you confront him over the phone and tell him to get his cheating ass home, he's gonna be mad. But there will be many days less of those cheating memories for him and triggers for you.

Now, if you're done with him and want to surprise him by having your ducks in a row and a divorce filed and papers ready to serve, I get it. But if you're just paralyzed by the raw emotion of finding yourself in this adultery situation, take some strength from the group, from your sister, from your friends, and face your WH down while there's still a chance to save the marriage. It's okay to throw a fit and to be jealous and controlling when your mate is actively committing adultery. Timidity will not save it. We can't "nice" a cheating spouse into a compliance and have a successful R. They have to come to R on OUR terms, not their own. Otherwise, they learn nothing and they're always a risk.

ETA: Don't forget that if you haven't already decided on divorce, there's a lot to be gained by interrupting his romantic getaway. If you call him and order him home, and he leaves the OW there to come home, he's showing HER where his loyalty is. That can go a long way toward breaking up an affair. If you order him home and he fails to come, that also tells you something about the situation, right? You don't have anything to lose that's not already lost if R is on the table. If it's not, use your time to set up an unpleasant comeuppance.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 11:15 PM, May 13th (Thursday)]

posts: 4569   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8659241
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 4:12 AM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

Duplicate

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 10:14 PM, May 13th (Thursday)]

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2945   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8659247
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 4:14 AM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

I wonder if you could find a lawyer who could quickly act to get your money frozen. He is using YOUR family money. Don’t be a doormat. Be tough. He is treating his own child terribly. It’s time you took action. Please, please call a lawyer in the morning.

And he was on tinder looking. He has already left you emotionally. Please don’t let him get away with this. You and your son have rights. Use them

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2945   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8659249
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Pandora16 ( member #56906) posted at 4:20 AM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

I do not want to act now because I am upset and angry. I need time to process all this and gather as much information as I can.

I think this is a good idea. I confronted my ex way too soon, and he used the time after dDay to hide money and buy his AP a house. What I should’ve done is get a lawyer and have him served so that he would be prevented from making any large purchase or moving large amounts of money between bank accounts.

So I agree with everyone who has suggested getting a lawyer ASAP. Protect yourself and your son.

D-Day #1 12/8/16 (ILYBINILWY), D-Day #2 12/17/16 (admitted to affair)

Divorced: 10/24/17
Married 20 years, together 24, 1 young adult son

posts: 252   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8659251
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Walkthestorm ( new member #72157) posted at 4:50 AM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

If you want to save your marriage you must burst his bubble. Not when he gets home. NOW!Write him a short text to let him know. Straight to the point. No emotions, just state the fact that you know and that if he is not on the first flight home he will not have a family to come back home to. Then block him from your phone or just don't answer text or calls. Let his imagination run wild. See how 'romantic' and 'sexy' that is for him.This will ruin him fun and fantasy.

About the evidence, what more do you need?

When he gets home, do not under any circumstance let him blame you for his shitty choices. This is 100% on him. Do not pick me dance or be reasnable when the mental gymnastics on his part begin. Read up on the 180. There are some posts here that are bumped from before that are good to read.

So sorry you are going through this.

posts: 37   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2019
id 8659254
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Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 5:28 AM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

He is a pig 🐷 sorry that but it has to be said.

He is gaslighting you into letting him be with the OW. As advised , a short text followed up with some of his shitty sexting crap that you have. Advise him that if his sorry butt isn’t on a plane then you will release the dogs of war!

A man too selfish to face time his children then complains that you are manipulating him; nah fuck him. Unicorn fart land is now closed.

Tell him STD checks are a must before he gets home. He is lying 🤥 and will try to turn this on you. No! Bad man! This isn’t on you one bit. He has a mouth and can communicate. He made conscious decisions over And over again to get there with the OW.

Legal advice for you, IC for you, He gets to do the beach lifting to get in to see his children. Expose his ways to all he doesn’t get to control the fall out.

Respect ✊ and take one day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1199   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8659261
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jujuchrist ( new member #78594) posted at 6:00 AM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

Sad part is yesterday our son called him to ask him why he’s not called us. Line got cut off - he texts me to say

“I told you why I’m doing this. You agreed for me doing this. Don’t upset *son about this or put him in the middle.

Years ago, my father did the exact same thing to my mother, and did not respond to my calls too.

I have seen my mother so sad.. My mother has been weak and it destroyed her. 10 years later, I am still angry about my father.

Believe me, your anger is what will help you put your respect on the table.

Don't accept that. Don't wait till he's back. Get him served at the airport. Tell him that you know, and that you won't be at home when he's back. You have to be very firm.

Then you will decide if you come back to him or not, but leave him right now in first intention to show that you will not accept that.

If he is away for a week :

- you can prepare your leaving during the week and be completely ready when he's back and play your partition

- or you can call him and tell him you know, and that you're leaving him. See if his first move is to come back as quick as possible. If not, that's an information.

I wish my mother had done that years ago. But not..

[This message edited by jujuchrist at 12:04 AM, May 14th (Friday)]

Julien

posts: 40   ·   registered: Apr. 1st, 2021   ·   location: Marseille, France
id 8659262
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BlackRaven ( member #74607) posted at 8:53 AM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

If it were me, I'd burst his romance bubble by calling the credit card company and reporting your cards stolen with the replacements sent to the house. Then I'd call the bank, and report the ATM cards stolen. That ought to distract him from his conquest for a day or two while he stresses trying to figure out what to do. Frankly, it's legit. You didn't agree to have your money go to another woman.

But regardless of whether you are the vindictive type,

1) don't go to any therapist. Get one who specializes in betrayal trauma. If you go to the website for the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals, they have a pulldown menu that will help you find one depending upon your location. Meanwhile, go to the website of Dr. Jill Manning, click on the 'shop' link, go to digital downloads, and get the free "Betrayal Trauma First Aid." It's important to not develop PTSD.

2) go get tested for STDs.

3) Develop a safety plan. What do you need to do to feel safe with this person who betrayed you? Are you willing to sleep in the same room? Same house? You can change the locks if you want and meet him in a neutral place.

4) Go to the bank, open a new account in your name only, and transfer half the money plus the cost of the NY trip into it. He's not thinking rationally and you don't know what he'll do.

5) do you need to have child care for your son so that he won't witness the blow up with your husband?

6) speak to a lawyer about your options. My experience is that first consult is free. Also, depending on where you live, adultery may or may not affect any divorce settlement, so think about that before you spend any money on a private detective.

It's great that you are reaching out for support, and that your sister and friends are responding. Hard as it is, try to sleep and eat healthy meals. Self care is important. Remember, no matter how he tries to gaslight or blame you, nothing you did caused his behavior. When healthy people are unhappy, they talk it over with their partners, or if they think it can't be saved, they get out of the relationship before they start another one. They take responsibility for their actions. Your husband didn't do that.

When I found out about my husband's first affair, he immediately called her in front of me and told her it was over. He immediately gave me all his passwords. (I still have access to his accounts.) Still, that night, I took all of his things and dumped them down the basement stairs, which is where he was sleeping. I just felt I needed to have a safe space that was mine only. Two days later I told him to move out. I honestly believe if I hadn't done that, he wouldn't have come clean about his other affairs nor sought treatment for what turned out to be a sex addiction. He's a different person now. We still aren't living together, but I think we are both healthier than we were before I found out. Reconciliation is still on the table.

You seem like a very strong woman and a compassionate caring mother. You deserve so much better.

[This message edited by BlackRaven at 3:02 AM, May 14th (Friday)]

posts: 287   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
id 8659265
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BlackRaven ( member #74607) posted at 8:53 AM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

duplicate

[This message edited by BlackRaven at 2:55 AM, May 14th (Friday)]

posts: 287   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
id 8659266
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LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 12:17 PM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

I want him home first. I want to look him in the eyes and tell him I know.

Will you hear out someone who has walked your path? Because I've walked this path a little and I waited and it's my biggest regret bar none.

thirteen years ago my husband, out of the blue told me he needed a holiday, by himself, for a week to a holiday destination unknown to me, because he also blamed possible mental health issues, was feeling depressed etc etc. Leading up to this my gut was aching from the amount of red flags it was picking up, like you I also asked if it was another woman, like you I got the "of course I'm not". He still left.

Like you when I tried to call when he was away it either went unanswered and the one time I got him he was very short and like you I got the speech about giving him space (which was news to me since not once did he say I was involved-linked with this supposed depression.)

Like you I found out it was another woman, however by this stage I had been heavily gaslighted and my "evidence" was texts and emails.

I sort out friends and family I trusted and like you I wanted to wait until he got home because I wanted to look him in the face.

(I'm feeling so sick writing this out, this is so hard)

That week, knowing, unable to reach him, KNOWING what was going on ate me up, I changed and the mental anguish I put myself through still haunts me and I'm still in therapy, thirteen years later (not cheap) because of the damage done in that week.

So this is what happened when he got home.

- Seeing him so happy and refreshed, killed me.

- Him going on and on how he feels like a new man and is so thankful for that time out, killed me.

- His excuses about not calling or answering the phone "bad reception" etc, killed me.

but nothing destroyed me like him looking in my eyes, while I showed him the "evidence" and had him lie to me. Have him accuse me of wrecking the mental health improvements he had made while away. NOTHING. I have lost a child and still that moment in time, destroyed me.

The following gaslighting and now new accusations I was hurting his mental health turned me into a coward, made me second guess everything all over again, made me think I was crazy.... and I stayed with him and have never been happy since, have forever wondered how many more were/are there, and frankly I'm not mentally well now. He was able to manipulate everything, everything.

Are you ready for that? What will you do when your WH does that to you? because confessions and ownership are something cheaters do not do.

LISTEN, please for the love of god do not let fear ruin this like it ruined me.

See that lawyer, you need to know what to do at least, a lawyer advises you in black and white what to do/expect but they also advise you what you're allowed to do right now (like if you're allowed to kick him out of the house, if you leaving the house for a "break" means you're giving up ownership etc etc.)

It's good you have friends and family, but what you're divorced friend went through is not what you're going through, they can help you give you an idea but until you seek legal advice it's only guidance, not what is going to happen in your situation.

I did not have SI people/wisdom, the healing library, nothing available like that when I went through it.

Personally if I could turn back time, I would do what CT mentioned in their post. I would line my ducks up with the lawyer (knowing if it was legally in my right to kick him out &/or leaving the house with child would be top of the list) then that same afternoon I would call WH over and over and over and over and over until I got him, do not email him, CALL him and inform him that you know, do not elaborate, do not call him names, use her name and then tell him he needs to be on a flight home NOW if he expects there to be a home when he returns, tell him he can email you (you want his reactions on email) and that you will not be answering the phone, then 180 him. NC until he steps through the front door.

Do not sit on this, please do not sit on this.

I lost all the power, all the self esteem waiting. He gaslighted and stupid stupid woman that was desperate to not have a broken home I started believing it. Nothing solved.

Action now.

(edit: I'm just so worried he will manipulate you like mine did me, you need to be made of steel if you truly going to go ahead and wait and face him, as soon as you break - he has a foot up, as soon as you negotiate - he has a foot up, as soon as you do the pick me dance - he has a foot up. The start of this should be done a part so that shock and damage you can deal with in private so you're stronger when he gets home... if that makes sense. Confrontations are disorienting and never go to plan once you're in the middle of it, from someone who waited I honestly wished I let him know I knew first, while he was with her, so that shock-bomb of actually confronting him wore off before he got home for round two, because there are always other rounds and trickle truths and discoveries and lies... yeah wished I could turn back time and called him instead of waited. )

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 8:15 AM, May 14th (Friday)]

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 175   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8659317
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Bonetired ( member #78518) posted at 12:29 PM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

I am so sorry you are here.If you have chosen to wait to confront I would advise preparation.A lot of the suggestions are spot on above.Prepare yourself legally and with the proper IC.Also one more thing.Read the healing library.Research is essential.We also want you to be prepared for the typical behavior a cheater displays when caught.Deflection (he will paint it out to be your fault somehow...It isn't your fault.He chose it) Gaslighting(He may say you are crazy which from the sounds of it he already has.)Rug sweeping,etc...Look up DARVO it's a common one among cheaters sad to say.Just be prepared with what ever he will attempt to hit you with when you confront him because we all know here that he will attempt to catch you off guard or manipulate the situation for his benefit.Do the research it will be very eye opening to you.Also read up on the 180.This is important because it shows the cheating spouse there are consequences for his actions.If you R or D this is important either way.Don't feel sorry for him.To use depression or any other mental illness as a reason for cheating to me is despicable.Let him own his responsibility in his actions.Good luck to you and keep us posted.

posts: 340   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Grand Rapids
id 8659319
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Bonetired ( member #78518) posted at 12:43 PM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

Another thing.Prepare yourself financially.That is the one thing I didn't do and it added to the trauma.Today I have my own emergency fund and that is a great comfort to me.I know if anything were to happen I would be ok.

posts: 340   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Grand Rapids
id 8659321
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Tigersrule77 ( member #47339) posted at 1:36 PM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

Blackraven beat me to the punch. Let the AP pay the bill for this holiday.

Your WH has abandoned the M to go meet his AP in another part of the world, spend a pile of marital assets on this person, perhaps run up credit card debt that you will then be partly responsible for.

It is time for you to start protecting yourself. As others said, go put half of your savings/checking into another account, then if he blows his half, it's his problem. Cancel the credit cards, like blackraven said. I wouldn't tell him about, leave him guessing and stressing why all of his cards are declined. If he calls you, ignore him the way he ignores your calls.

These are reasonable steps to protect yourself and your M. He may be angry, but you shouldn't care.

good luck and stay strong

posts: 1525   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8659331
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 4:00 PM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

If it were me, I'd burst his romance bubble by calling the credit card company and reporting your cards stolen with the replacements sent to the house. Then I'd call the bank, and report the ATM cards stolen. That ought to distract him from his conquest for a day or two while he stresses trying to figure out what to do. Frankly, it's legit. You didn't agree to have your money go to another woman.

^^^This or something similar.

Honestly, I'd burst his little fantasy bubble right now without delay. You've known and by the time he gets home you will have a couple more days to process.

Each day that goes by, the betrayal will get worse and worse. YOU have the power to stop it now. Your husband is actively in the midst of his affair. If you inform him you know, his little bubble will burst and panic will set in.

Your call. Understand you will get angrier and angrier the longer his little tryst continues.

What I'm trying to warn you about is that while you're doing your investigation to see what's already happened, your WH is making new memories with someone else. He'll have a week's worth of tender memories of his betrayal and you'll have a difficult time getting through the fog he'll be enveloped in by the time he returns. A week of all-night sex, room service, fancy restaurants, holding hands in public, etc. And yes... if you confront him over the phone and tell him to get his cheating ass home, he's gonna be mad. But there will be many days less of those cheating memories for him and triggers for you.

^^^Exactly. My WH spent ONE afternoon with OW and it took months to unravel the nightmare. You will have to process days and weeks of what transpired between the two of them. Once again, you have the power to end it now. Not a week from now but now.

posts: 11265   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8659451
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 GShale (original poster member #78790) posted at 11:58 PM on Friday, May 14th, 2021

Thank you for your thoughts.

I can’t kick him out because we are renting and he pays the rent. We sold our property in Australia when we moved to Singapore. Property prices in Singapore are ridiculous so we chose to rent.

I can’t call him because he is not picking up the phone nor answering to my text. If he does it’s a one time thing to say he is ok and he needs his space etc.

Was looking through their Twitter correspondence and it goes back to Feb.. as far as Twitter allows you to check. So unsure if they knew each other before.

He has not called to speak with out son either.

I believe he is using our Australia bank account to pay for his time in NY... saw he applied for a credit card. He is a banker so he knows everything about banking.

I noticed that he is now at her apartment in NY from our map tracing. I found her contact details including phone number and address.

I will be looking to speak with a lawyer to see what I need to do. Giving up full time work since our son was born to stay home and care for him, I will need to start looking at sorting myself out. I am completely broken and so so lost. But I am also a strong person and with prayer and support from my family and friends will figure something out.

[This message edited by GShale at 5:59 PM, May 14th (Friday)]

posts: 53   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2021
id 8659657
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 12:07 AM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

I saw the chat, how he was putting me down, how he professed his love for her, the talk about sex, the secret calls in the car after dropping our son off at school - my world fell apart.

I am so sorry. This is hard to unknow. I can empathize bc I recorded a VAR conversation between my WW and her AP and it is burned into my memory.

Tearing you down to an AP - I don't even know where to start with that.

But it's what he really thinks, so you kind of have to start there.

Here's the thing: people in affairs are operating in a different moral universe than you are, and it puts you at a disadvantage. You have to stop seeing him as the person you thought he was and come to grips that he is exactly the kind of man who would deceive you, tear you down, and arrange to travel to meet another woman for a sex weekend.

He has a different moral worldview. You are operating in the frame of a person who took vows and honors them. Part of your brain is having to adjust to the fact that he is not in this same frame.

He is operating as a person who has an "if/then" algorithm he runs in his head that is conditional about his commitment to monogamy.

He ran the algorithm, and then in a cold, calculated fashion carried out many decisions over a period of time to betray you.

You have to let this sink in and let it help you act. I agree with others. Act now. Blow it up.

[This message edited by Thumos at 6:08 PM, May 14th (Friday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49 Married: Feb. 1996 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2:

posts: 4301   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8659659
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LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 3:41 AM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

NY police do health checks.

Call them tell them your concerned about your husband, he fled there in depression, he kept talking about depression and now he hasn't reached out to your son or yourself, not answering phones etc. You're concerned he has done something stupid and you're worried. Ask if they can go to the place he was staying last, see if he is ok and if he is to please fly home to his wife and young son because you're so very worried about his mental health.

Give them her address.

Basically when they turn up to her apartment he will know the affair is exposed, if he isn't there and she answers and they ask for your husband she will know the affair is up OR if he has lied to her, that he is single she will know he is a married man

Just saying, they do health checks and he did leave for mental health reasons after all.

edit: you will know it happened when your phone lights up with his texts and calls all of a sudden do NOT answer a thing until he steps through that front door. If possible have a friend stay with you around the time he is due to return.

edit: now I've written it does this OW know he is still with you? If you have her twitter couldn't you post a pic of yourself and your son and a pic of your husband and message @ her in the open and via DM, ask if she is aware you two are waiting for him to call you while he is with her. It's another way to shine the spotlight on this, if you're up for it that is. The fact he is not answering the phone could be that she isn't aware he is still married, you're not separated etc.

(just thinking of possible alternative ways for him to call you, smoke him out of his nest)

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 9:58 PM, May 14th (Friday)]

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 175   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8659691
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Napickle ( new member #78799) posted at 4:03 AM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

New to this site not sure if doing this right just wanted you to know your not alone we all feel stupid but it’s their actions not ours that are ridiculous. I helped my husband on multiple occasions get away because he was stressed with work, HIS parents living with us his mother had Alzheimer’s and I took care of her while he got away of course later came out he was having a affair with co-worker!
Stay strong emotions will be all over the place be informed but no final decision needs to be made today! So sorry it’s terrible pain

posts: 23   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021   ·   location: So. Ca.
id 8659697
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 GShale (original poster member #78790) posted at 5:21 AM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

She knows he is married. He has been bad mouthing me and she has been giving him advise on what to do. She is not innocent in this.

He called this morning as asked why I called. I asked him were he was? He said nowhere. I told him the location on the map showed he was at some apartment and he said it was a cafe or something. Told him I know he is there with some woman and he was a little shocked.

I hung up.

Think he’s already decided to leave us for her.

posts: 53   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2021
id 8659707
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 6:21 AM on Saturday, May 15th, 2021

Good job. I know that was hard to do, but hopefully you've ruined his trip for him. The next thing to do is to schedule with an attorney so you can make some plans. You need to make sure that you've got enough money to support yourself and that you're not at his mercy for food and shelter. If you've got access to the bank accounts, I'd move exactly half into my own account so he couldn't access it. That said, it's ALWAYS better to have legal advice about what you can (and cannot) do in whatever jurisdiction you're in. Are you at a disadvantage in Singapore? Would it be better to file any paperwork, like emergency support orders, from your home in Australia? You really do need some legal advice.

I know this is all so painful and scary. Try to really put a lot of focus on your self-care, so that you're keeping your body healthy. See your doctor for STD testing and for stress management. There's no way to know if this is your WH's first time stepping out of the marriage. You don't want to trust your health to a partner who lies.

((hugs))

posts: 4569   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8659716
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