SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Try the Big/Little exercise where you imagine yourself at about 4 years old and listen to what your "Little" is anxious about. She'll tell you if you listen. And that gives YOU the chance to be there for her, to be the Big one she can count on. That little girl is still inside you, yes. But the reality is that you are a grown-up now, and you ARE competent and capable of taking care of your "Little".

I just wanted to expound on this Big/Little exercise just a bit more. Of course, I read about it in The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. The book mostly discusses romantic abandonment, but I really do think that having been essentially abandoned by your mother at an early age, those abandonment wounds have been formative for you. Add in the criticism you felt when your father called you "fat", and that's another abandonment wound because things like that make you feel alone and othered. All these things add up, right?

What I found out, after my fWH's betrayal, is that I also had this really wounded inner child, who felt so abandoned by an emotionally immature mother and an absent father who cared more for his second family. When the adultery happened, I thought I had forgiven all that shit years and years ago, but what I realized is that a huge betrayal like that one, a really BIG abandonment after 30 years of marriage, breaks open all those earlier wounds, and that's what augments the pain. It turns it all into something which feels like it can't be overcome. Suddenly, I wasn't just mad at my WH, I was mad at my parents, even though my dad was already passed. I was angry with my mother, even though I understand WHY she was the way she was. I mean, seriously, if I thought MY childhood was lacking, at least I hadn't been beaten and starved like a dog with welts on my back and the occasional broken bone. Her childhood was a nightmare.

It was really this Big/Little exercise that got through to me. As I listened to my Little and all the things she was upset about, I didn't expect her to be rational. She's four, right. She just talks about how she FEELS and doesn't care if her feelings are fair or not. But then, I get to swoop in and be her hero, saving the day, solving the problems, and reassuring her that she is NEVER alone. She's always got ME.

It's a REALLY dissociative exercise, I know. But what I realized after doing it for a few weeks is that I don't NEED anyone. I have ME. I don't have to hold my nose and try to trust people who have hurt and betrayed me. If I want to enjoy them, I can. If I want to let them go, I can do that too. Adultery opened my eyes to the idea that BLIND TRUST is naive and quite frankly, stupid. There's only one person that we can trust to never fail us because there's only one person that we have full control of... and you guessed it. It's ourselves.

This is HEALING which affects every part of your life... to learn to love and trust YOURSELF. Once you've got that down, NO ONE can ever take it away from you again.

((more hugs))

Not sure where to put this ... Mods please let me know if I should go elsewhere.

I'm a hot mess right now, pardon the language.

My BH says he wants to have a 6 month PA and that it's only fair because of my actions.

BH says he will tell me everything I want to know. I don't know if I would want to know. I did ask three things from him 1. To always wear a condom 2. No coworkers 3. Not to bring it into our home.

But as soon as I said those words my stomach got an ill feeling.

Part of me says fuck if this is what it takes to keep my family together and for BH and I to come back together then DO IT!!! But part of me is SCREAMING WTF is wrong with you ... Why would you agree to this?!?

I know I'm dealing with self-esteem issues and I already have a hard time seeing my value. I don't know what to do!?!

I love this man so much!!! This weekend we had a wonderful day as a family. BH and I even had sex, he initiated. So I don't know if BH is riding the emotional rollercoaster or if this is something he really wants to do.

I know I'm riding the emotional rollercoaster. This isn't the first time BH has talked about doing this. I know he hasn't done anything yet. And just the thought is killing me and I have nightmares, where I see him going down on other women and then fucking them. I feel like I "owe" it to him and show him I can be faithful and loyal and stick by his side the way he had been by mine.

Has any WS or BH every done something like this?

Am I just being weak or will this show my strength?

The answer to this is to say no. Nothing good will come it. It'll just end up doing more damage in the long run. If having three people in your relationship didn't help, how is adding a 4th to it going to do so?

This could be posturing by your BS. Or maybe something to get a rise, or inflict pain. But if he's serious in this request why stay married? Doing this doesn't show fidelity on your part, nor on his. While I can see, why he'd want to lash out on his part, if I was in his shoes this wouldn't be something that I'd do if I wanted to keep to stay.

IMO, it would show love, fidelity, or commitment more to say no and put your foot down. Do you really want him to make the same mistake?

The answer to this is to say no. Nothing good will come it. It'll just end up doing more damage in the long run. If having three people in your relationship didn't help, how is adding a 4th to it going to do so?

This could be posturing by your BS. Or maybe something to get a rise, or inflict pain. But if he's serious in this request why stay married? Doing this doesn't show fidelity on your part, nor on his. While I can see, why he'd want to lash out on his part, if I was in his shoes this wouldn't be something that I'd do if I wanted to keep to stay.

IMO, it would show love, fidelity, or commitment more to say no and put your foot down. Do you really want him to make the same mistake?

Yes to all of this ^^

So much of what Chamomille Tea wrote. I went to quote some of it, but it's just all of what she wrote.

I have some things to add from WS/MH side, but let me give you a quick overview of my sitch so it will provide context with what I am going to tell you.

So, my H had an affair after mine. No permission or anything like that, but it was classic pretty much what is described in not just friends. His was 18 months, lots and lots of meetups and sex, his AP wanted my life badly. I had a two month A, emotional affair mostly with one meet up.

There is no reason to compare our affairs, I don't think his was worse than mine or any of those types of things. That stuff is completely pointless. There is no point scoring in affairs.

It's hard to ignore the idea that I brought him a crisis with my affair, he didn't cope well with it, and so he found this escape like any other WS. But, the reality is I don't know that he wouldn't have had a traumatic event or some other crisis, vulnerability or precipitating factor that would have yielded the same result down the road.

One thing about WS - even those of us who thought they would never cheat - we must not believe to our core that cheating is wrong. There is a loophole in our integrity that when push comes to shove we can bend the logic to justify it enough to do it.

That's every single WS, including my husband. Which brings me to my point. It's an error in logic to believe that cheating is so wrong that you will solve it by cheating yourself. How can he hold you accountable to a standard he does not have for himself? Right?

It's a pandora's box that is not going to cure him. There are so many things he's opening with this that you will never get the box closed again. One, there is another individual he wants to involve. What about her feelings? Do you think it's fair for him to use her to make himself feel better? And, what about feelings? She "falls in love" with him and gets hurt. He "falls in love" with her and wants to leave? He is going to be comparing how miserable he feels with you, to the light and airy fun fest with her. And, you know what? You are not completely responsible for the fact he is miserable. I do not want to walk all over his trauma, I don't mean it that way. I am just saying that my husband could have chosen a lot of things to make himself happy, instead he chose an affair and has probably been the most miserable that he has since this whole odyssey started almost 4 years ago.

So, that was my MH stuff. Here is my WS stuff.

CT hit on a lot of truths so I won't repeat all of it. She hit on a lot of things all women go through from about your age to probably your mid to late 40's. For me, it was realizing I am mine. I share this journey with H because I choose to, but this is my life and my journey. I am responsible for it. I am responsible for my own happiness. I had spent the prior two decades as a dedicated wife and mother and had given so much that I didn't know who I was or what I wanted. Mid-life is when the universe takes you by the hand and say's honey, you are running out of time - you have all these talents and unique traits. Figure out how not to waste them and how to follow your bliss. Figure yourself out, what you want.

And, as a WS the biggest thing I have had to learn to embrace is the power of self-love. Self respect. Self worth. Our longest relationship is with ourselves. And, our relationship with ourselves reflects back in all our other relationships.

I would encourage you to find that strength and love and really figure out what you want in this life.

This request is a hard pass. No. NO.

Don't be afraid of losing this man by saying no. You are likely to lose him more slowly and painfully if you agree to this anyway. You are between a rock and a hard place.

Encourage him to do IC. If he hasn't even tried that, why on earth would this be the most logical way he can heal? It sounds very much like my husband - did not do anything proactive, just got caught up in a fantasy world instead. That didn't fix shit. Not even close.

Even worse, I don't think the way your husband is talking that he would be going to therapy or evaluating his how's and whys afterwards. Working to make himself a safe partner again. How do you even begin to close that loop? What if he just enjoys it and it leads to a second affair that maybe he conducts more clandestine? What is going to stop the behavior? Affairs are highs, they feel good until they don't. What's to stop him from chasing this high again and again?

This is not the solution, and he hasn't even delved into finding some reasonable solutions. Have some self respect and don't allow the two of you to go down this path. I promise it fixes NOTHING, it makes everything infinitely worse.

Oh for fuck sake!

I didn't set out to have an A to make things even with Andi, I fell into it because someone entered the picture to try and steal me from her and I was weak at the time.

But for your BH to announce he wants an A of his own to even the score means you are willing to use another human being with feelings and emotions to make a point.

What if something happens during his PA and it becomes something more to the OW? Now you'll have another problem.

This is the fucking dumbest idea I've ever heard and it speaks to your BH's immaturity.

And your response, giving him permission, is just as fucking dumb.

You both need to grow up and focus on your R, instead of schooling your BH on condoms. Do you two fucking hear yourselves?

If your BH is trying to reclaim his manhood this way, he never had his manhood in the first place.

Fucking unbelievable!

[This message edited by MyAndI at 11:26 AM, April 28th (Wednesday)]

15yrs, this is your life and it's up to you.

As a BS, I can absolutely understand the hard, cold, and scary desire to HURT the WS. And I do mean HURT THEM. Even at the time I had the wherewithal to know that, to feel that, to understand that I wanted my WH to feel just as shitty as I did. And yet, I somehow managed to realize (before I had an RA) that it would not matter. Not one effing bit. That my having an A of my own would (a) never be experienced by my WH in the same way (mostly bc, like your BH, I would not have lied about it and, as you are now well aware, the LIES are probably more damaging than the sex), and (b) having my own A (or inflicting additional pain upon my WH) would not do jack for MY healing.... it would not help ME for one minute. Might give me some smug satisfaction. Might boost my seriously damaged ego. But it would not help to HEAL, which is really the name of the game.

In your other thread, I spoke about the impacts of trauma upon the BS and the ways in which it can make us go a bit crazy. There is a REASON why the therapeutic community pretty universally says to NOT make any big decisions for 3-6-12 months after a traumatic event. Having an A is, IMO, a "big" decision, just like agreeing to give full custody to your BS, or agreeing that he can have an A.

I don't know you or your BS, but my hunch is that he is out of his mind with trauma response of his own with this new dday. And personally, I think you are kidding yourself to think that he can be trusted, as it sure looks like his lizard brain is driving the bus.

There is not much / anything you can do about that. What you can do -and what the gist of most of the comments were on your last thread - is take care of you, and work on getting YOUR lizard brain out of the driver seat of your bus and letting executive brain get back online. The big/little exercises CT describes can be quite helpful in this regard(and I view them with the lens of trauma, in that the "little" is also our lizard - it feels what it feels and it reacts how it reacts w/o regard to the wisdom & knowledge of the "big" or executive brain).

Handing over your kids or giving your BS a hall pass for an A of his own is not- by a longshot, IMO- taking care of you, or something that a healthy executive brain (or "big" ) would allow. It's trying to avoid feelings or consequences because you are scared shitless (and for understandable reasons).

36 is not "old" - not by a longshot.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 5:51 PM, April 28th, 2021 (Wednesday)]

If the BS replicating the infidelity would fix anything, you wouldn't be able to shut me up from telling people to do it. I'd start a damned website. I'd shout it from the rooftops. Start a betrayed spouse dating service. If that ended the pain for a BS, I would consider it a public service to promote it.

It wouldn't, though. All it would do is add pain to an already painful situation. I wish that were a solution to anything.

As a BH I understand the emotions that make one want to have a revenge affair. I never really looked at other women. I saw them, I lusted sometimes, but I had boundaries and an active strong desire to be a good husband and give my wife the gift of faithfulness. This meant far more to me than any lust or even any attention a woman was trying to show me.

Post DDay and I struggle - I actually see other women now in a way that is not healthy. Unlike your BH, I've made a decision that if R is going to work then there has to be an acknowledgement that A actions are immoral. Beyond being a breach of the contract of trust, even if the infidelity is acknowledged it is unhealthy and self destructive. For me I don't want to have an affair, not to be the better person, but so we both have a common understanding that our monogamy and truth are highly valued treasures.

I'm not sure I have advice, but if I were talking to your husband as a friend I'd ask him if he's hurt, why he's hurt, what values he has, and if he wants his wife to understand those things and share his values. Then, would ask him if having an A himself endorses those beliefs? The answer is obviously no. Your BH wants to be paid back, I get that. But there is no payback. If you tear someone's eyes out there is no just compensation for lost sight. This is his struggle to forgive and I think all you can do is ask forgiveness and ask to get to shared values. I would not endorse or agree to a counter A, it undermines the entire basis for a monogamous, loving, and trusting marriage. Unless all three of those things aren't desired?

[This message edited by Apparition at 11:54 AM, April 28th (Wednesday)]

I also understand the want to hurt the wayward to “make them feel like you do”. I wanted to even the scores and stop feeling trapped by her AND felt a lot of resentment for having done so much and this was what she did to me in return.

What stopped me from having an RA wasn’t about what it would do to her but rather what it would do to ME. If it were about her I would have done it. I was enraged, deeply hurt and wanted revenge. Anger was my go to response to control the insurmountable pain I was in. Pain I blamed her for. Pain I wanted to control as much as I could. Anger felt like the way to have some form of control over it (a fallacy of course). Anyway, I had to look at myself. My wayward spouse was willing to let me have an RA which really only served to irritate me further. Cause in my mind at the time, “fuck her I don’t need her permission, and fuck her bc I could never really even anything.”

So back to me, I had to work on my own anger. I had to let it turn into the very deep hurt it really was and stop reacting to the anger because it did nothing to help ease anything. I also had to process what an RA would do to me. I would feel disgusted with myself. Do I deserve to add disgusted with self to the list of awful feelings I already had from everything my WS did in her betrayal which had also triggered every past trauma I had? I don’t deserve that. I really don’t. I had to be better for myself in those moments and show myself my own strength to overcome this. Villainizing myself for my prior responses to all of this wasn’t going to help either, I had to approach myself with love and compassion. I was immensely hurt, I understood what I was doing and had to show myself the strength to find another way, a healthy way out. I deserved it.

So my response is more so for your BS than it is for you. His RA won’t help him. He has to do the work to heal himself from all of this and be better for himself. An RA won’t do that.

It sucks when you’re betrayed and have to heal yourself, that was another point of contention for me, she got to hurt me this badly but I have to heal myself? I hated it. But I’m so glad I kept going and did my work because now no one will ever have that power over me. I showed myself in so many ways everything I’m capable of when I’m in my own corner and my own best ally. I realized in all of it that I had been abandoning myself all this time. Embracing this process has truly been the biggest gift I’ve ever given myself. I hope your BS gets there and can see all of this one day for his own sake. He doesn’t deserve this from himself.

[This message edited by maise at 11:32 AM, April 28th (Wednesday)]

Ok, so now that you've stopped to think about the pain that this would cause you, can you take that knowledge and apply it to how your BH is feeling about what you've done to him and his pain?

Of course you want to say this is a hard "no" and it should be! But it should have also been a hard "no" for you as well.

Maybe take time to address this and how you feel about it with your H. Do you feel like a hypocrite for wanting to say no? Think about that and talk about it with your H.

I'm not saying give your blessing, I'm not saying you're wrong for feeling like it should be a hard "no", what I'm saying is take the way this may have opened your eyes and apply it to how he is currently feeling about you actually doing what he is only threatening.

As a BH myself I 100% get the idea in his head that this will make it all better/even. People in pain do all kinds of really destructive things. As someone might say, "They are out of fucks to give."

Although in times like this I think it warrants discussion of what he is really after with proposing a half open relationship. What does he really want ? Are there ways he could accomplish this without trading in his own integrity ? BTW you are unique position to share with him about how your A made you hate yourself and wince when you look into a mirror. Please share that with him. But please be honest. Nothing works against you like inauthentic emotions.

Yeah you will know what he is doing, but so will he and I'd bet that he would end up damaging himself more in the process. Possibly even damaging his own self esteem and a whole host of other things that can't really be reclaimed without years of work.

I think, in a very misguided way, he wants you to understand the hurt he feels and the pain that he carries everyday. I know you are hurting too, but in his mind you got to make a choice. He never got to make one. That is it. It is about him not having a real choice in the matter. Every option at this point is painful for him. There appear to be no good options. So BS sometimes try to create a secret third option. The RA.

Of course he could choose to D you, but with decades of history, finances, family, friends, etc. Making that choice is a much harder one to make because it costs him quite a bit considering he wouldn't normally want to lose all of that. Of course he also decide to R with you. Again, that comes with a whole different set of costs.

So really what would help him and help you right now ? If you can let him share his feelings, unfiltered and without defensiveness that would accomplish some of what he really wants no ? He wants you to understand his hurt, pain, self loathing and the feeling he is being taken advantage of. He was/is second fiddle to the lothario that you could not drop to enter into a exclusive relationship. In his mind he has never had one with you (Truly exclusive relationship) and it kills him to admit that. Sure you did not cheat after being married, but He doesn't trust you. He has no idea how much more lurks underneath. Honestly I don't blame him either. Trust can be lost in a instant, but it takes years to rebuild.

I am not trying to be harsh with you I am just trying to get a point across. What he really wants is for you to see, understand and empathize with all of the ugly thoughts and feelings he has right now. Talk to him be more vulnerable than you ever have had. If that is difficult get reading and/or IC to learn those skills. He has to feel heard and understood.

Ask him to delay his "Lashing out," for a time. Don't say no, but ask to hold off while the emotions settle and you'd like him to understand just how damaging an A can be to an individual. Tell him after that you disagree with a half open relationship, but you can't prevent him from doing what he wants to do anymore than he could have stopped you from having your As.

I would, in very diplomatic way, expressthat you can't promise you will still be open to letting him back into the M after he sows his oats. Rmind him that you want your M to be better than either of you dreamed possible. It is possible BTW. That is what my W and I have today.

A person having an A leaves the M. Some will argue with me. Fine, but it is my defination. To me that is the clearest way one leaves a M short of divorce. It is up to those who don't leave the M to determine what is required to join the M again. If you've promised "anything" to him to stay M please stop that. Desperation begets desperation. You both need a little more hope. Not that you will stay M, but both of you will one day be beyond this time of your lives and be happy again. That is the goal. Staying in a M that is less than it could be is not a life either.

Sorry this post is longer than I intended. I am a BH that is enthusiastically R'd with my W.I had the same thoughts as your H at one time. I actually came very close to carrying them out, but fortunately I did not. I made threats, I used words as weapons and my anger burned hotter than the sun. My wife ensured that she listened to me expend that rage and made sure I felt hears and understood. No defensiveness. No blameshifting. Not making it about her when it was turn to talk.

You know what happened after the worst of those episodes? I broke down crying inconsolably. I had to burn off the anger before I let the hurt, pain and sadness show itself. While it likely was hard for my wife she held me and apologized, told her why she was sorry and that she would hurt me like that again. Over and over that played out, but I did regain a lot of respect for my wife through those very difficult times. I knew she was in it for the long haul and it made sense to stick around without limiting my future options.

Talk to him 15. Think of this an opening to discuss things and air everything out. It sucks and is likely the most difficult thing you will ever have to do, but isn't that what you want? A chance to reconcile your M ?SHow him you are willing to fight for the M and will do your part to make it a place where you both are very happy for the long term. However if you want to save your M it is really your only shot before it gets worse than it is today.

It’s your life and marriage and of course you can make the choice that you want....

....but NO, you do NOT “owe” it to him.

I thought I “owed” it to my XBH to get back together with him when he asked, two years after he divorced me for cheating on him in our first marriage. It was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Please don’t make decisions based on what you (misguidedly) feel you might “owe” someone else.

Just don’t.

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 12:49 PM, April 28th (Wednesday)]

Ask him to delay his "Lashing out," for a time. Don't say no, but ask to hold off while the emotions settle and you'd like him to understand just how damaging an A can be to an individual. Tell him after that you disagree with a half open relationship, but you can't prevent him from doing what he wants to do anymore than he could have stopped you from having your As.

I would, in very diplomatic way, expressthat you can't promise you will still be open to letting him back into the M after he sows his oats. Rmind him that you want your M to be better than either of you dreamed possible. It is possible BTW. That is what my W and I have today.

I like the "delay" request. That's probably a very good way to deal with it for now. In the meantime, I would also suggest both of you do IC. I can truly understand why he's hell bent on this fantasy to make himself feel better. It's helping him temporarily ease his pain.

I also like what sadiemae is pointing at for you. Go there in your mind, and share back. There could be a lot of value there as using this as both an empathy booster as well as a communication/connection piece. As you go through that mental exercise, I would also look for some very specific apologies. "I see how you must feel _______. I have put myself in your shoes and I feel _______. I am sorry for ______ and how that makes you feel ______."

Add to that of course, but I like the suggestion of how this could help you go there in your mind and put yourself in his shoes.

________

Are you absolutely positively 100% sure your husband isn't the one who's currently having an affair? I ask because the current scapegoating and devaluation going on in your marriage is something a lot of us go through when our spouses are cheating on us. My advice to you is to become quiet and start observing. Stop reacting to his threats and demands, stop internalizing his condemnation as your just desserts and start looking deeper. Something fishy that you're not aware of is going on here.

I had to burn off the anger before I let the hurt, pain and sadness show itself.

IMO, your H won't heal unless and until he gets his anger, grief, fear, and shame out of his body. Conducting his own A will only add to his shame, at the very least, and it will probably increase his anger, grief, and fear, too.
Your healing requires honesty and taking responsibility for yourself. You need to get authentic. You don't want him to conduct an A, so being true to yourself requires you to tell him that, IMO. I mean 'requires'.
R will not work if you sell yourself out. An R in which you have to sell yourself out is not an R that should succeed.
I know numb&dumb counsels asking your H to delay his decision, and his advice is always worth considering. My counsel is to confront the specific issue and the general issue of saying things to hurt you now. You'll have to decide which option will get you more of what you want - but you seem conflict-avoidant, so if the decision is close, you may benefit from leaning towards dealing with the issues now.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:04 PM, Wednesday, April 28th]

Have you ever been in a position where you got injured or say, have a headache that won’t go away no matter what you do?

You sit down, headache still there, stand up? Same. Lay down same. No matter what you try, it won’t go away. You’re willing to try anything....

I think that for a lot of BS, it’s kinda like that after Dday. You just want the pain to go away. I divorce! The pain stays. I want to R! The pain stays. I want to hurt you like you hurt me! The pain stays. I will have a RA! I will rugsweep, pretend nothing happened! The pain stays.

I think BS will say or do anything, in the short term, to make the pain go away.

The problem with affairs is that it’s unfair there’s nothing that can be done to make it “fair”. After a lot of time and effort, we can accept it, but it will never be “fair”.

You could tell your BH that a RA won’t help him, for all the logical reasons posted here, but I’m not sure he’d be willing to listen.

If you think that he will actually go through with it, I would suggest that you tell him that

“Although you would prefer that he stays, it would be understandable that he asks for a divorce after the latest D day. Although you would rather receive the gift of R and welcome a chance to become a better person, it would be understandable that you would ask for D after he has an A”.

I understand your BH’s anger and I think I understand the motivations behind his idea to have an RA. He might see it as justice, or evening the score, or just a desire to repay some of the pain you’ve given him. If it’s strictly the latter, he might be on the right path. It’s a shitty thing to do, and two wrongs don’t make a right, but if his goal is to hurt you, it will. Consider if you want to R with someone who would do that.

However, if his goal is to extract justice or even the score, it usually doesn’t work. Around here, it is a rare MH (BS then WS) who says the RA was a good idea. Perhaps you could read the MHs only thread in I Can Relate to see if this has been discussed. Other threads on RAs in general might be helpful too.

15yrsinthemaking,

My BH says he wants to have a 6 month PA and that it's only fair because of my actions

I would say to not only let him have the PA but also encourage it.

Now before you crucify me hear me out.

You be his A partner. Whatever he thinks he will gain through a 6 month PA you fill that need.

Kick up your game! Spice everything up. Pursue him, chase him, attack him in the bedroom.

If this is not something that is possible I would allow him to read the threads on the MH sub on this site.

You might consider reading Mrs.Walloped thread who betrayed her husband in a terrible way but didn't have a problem telling us all that she would D Walloped should he choose to cheat on her.

I would say to not only let him have the PA but also encourage it.

Now before you crucify me hear me out.

You be his A partner. Whatever he thinks he will gain through a 6 month PA you fill that need.

Kick up your game! Spice everything up. Pursue him, chase him, attack him in the bedroom.

If this is not something that is possible I would allow him to read the threads on the MH sub on this site.

You might consider reading Mrs.Walloped thread who betrayed her husband in a terrible way but didn't have a problem telling us all that she would D Walloped should he choose to cheat on her.

I think this is playing a little too much into the "unmet needs" fallacy of A motivation. He doesn't need a bunch of hot sex from a role played 'stranger'.

This is a power dynamic issue. He feels he has lost power within his M because she doesn't have to give up anything for R. Meanwhile, he has to accept having an unfaithful wife in perpetuity. His base line motivation is to do her wrong so he doesn't feel like he is the only one having to lose self-esteem for reconciling with a cheater. If we are going to go around trying to achieve "unmet needs" what he needs is to feel more power in his M. If she were to somehow head this off, she would need to find a way to create a "level playing field" where she give him something else she doesn't want to and has to "just get over it".

Staying in this M for 15yrs is going to involve being inflicted a huge amount of pain by her BH, until he feels they are even. That's just what is going to happen. Through an A or otherwise. She doesn't have to stay through that if she doesn't want to.

Ultimately, 15yrs, you can't control him. I think that if you do give him permission, he actually loses the purpose within whatever the agreed parameters are. How could it possibly be "even" if you have knowledge about what he is going to do, for how long, etc.? Whatever rules you set, he is going to break. The goal of the A is to hurt you, not for him to get pleasure elsewhere.

Say you sucker punch someone in the jaw. They say "You have to let me hit you so we are even" you say "Ok, let me get ready, ok, hit me". How could that punch have the same impact as a sucker punch? It can't. If he wants to get even, it's going to be when you aren't ready for it.