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General :
My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now 2


ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 11:37 PM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021

But it might give me at least some insight into what she thinks now, because those past few weeks since she moved out our conversations are practicaly nonexistent, givem we are divorcing.

You are divorcing, correct? That means her thoughts and feelings are no longer your business. Let's face some facts here... if the situations was reversed and that was YOUR phone in her hands, how cool would you be about her downloading the contents behind your back and then handing it over like nothing had happened??? Wrong is wrong. This is NOT a situation where your wife is cheating on you and you're trying to find out what's happening in your life. The decisions have already been made and your fWW has been shown the door. So, this is something different. This is spying for the sake of whatever personal satisfaction you might take from it. If you'd be too embarrassed to post it on your social media or unwilling to tell her to her face what you had done, then why would you do it? Integrity is what you do when no one else is watching.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 6181   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8688108

gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 11:38 PM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021

Has nobody here walked out the house without their phone?

Lol - NO! I’m able to forget absolutely anything and everything else but never that. My phone is my wallet, my audio, my navigation, my calendar, my communications system to my team…. it’s everything! I connect it before I start the engine (or on switch in one of my ev’s).

Mr. F, as to reading it, I say why not. I’m a curious person and if she’s anywhere near being truthful, she wouldn’t mind if she somehow found out. Heck, if anything it would be encouraging to her if you did.

So I say have at it!

posts: 153   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8688109

toby ( member #10337) posted at 11:52 PM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021

Let’s see......How can she tell you something that she feels you may need know without breaking any boundaries y’all had agreed on???

Whatever’s on that phone, she wants you to see it. My guess it’s friends telling her it’s time to move on/start dating or maybe some dude you both know trying to put the move on her. I believe this is her way of being transparent, but at the same time manipulative.

posts: 1772   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2006   ·   location: Texas
id 8688111

guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 12:08 AM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

Does she exactly act like you're divorced and she has no expectations from you anymore? Does she act like you have no ties except your kids? No. Then you should know.

You are the good man and victim of this story, you have a right to feel better and safer.

posts: 637   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8688114

gemini12 ( member #78670) posted at 12:50 AM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

Mr F,

If I were you I would look at the messages. You can skim right through them to see if they are innocuous or something else. I had a similar situation while my divorce was pending. My son bought his mothers car. I had placed a VAR under the seat and got more info than I needed to file for D. I forgot I never removed it and realized it when my son showed up with the car. I waited until he was in the shower and removed the VAR from under the seat. I listened to it the next day when I was alone. I'm glad I listened. I learned things that really surprised me that she had planned to screw me over in the future. You need to protect yourself right now. The more you know the better your decision making will be in the future if she wears you down to R.

Best of luck going forward.

posts: 56   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2021
id 8688115

grubs ( member #77165) posted at 2:34 AM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

Why did you make that copy? Like some others have said if D is your path there's not much point to knowing what your STBX is thinking. Something lead you to do so. Read them if you want. I'm not so worried about what your stbx says in them as much as the others. Anything negative she says will just reinforce what you are doing is correct path for you as a couple. Worst case is that you might find out that the others are disparaging you and how you handled this. Can you maintain the detachment you'll need afterwards when you need to interact? The only other concern is what if she is saying all the right things, accepting all the blame, and defending you. Is that going to weaken your resolve? THe only other options I see is keeping a copy. Wait until after the D and if you start to reconsider R after D. Read them first.

posts: 1371   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8688122

Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 4:11 AM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

As another poster said, to me this is a no brainer, I would just read it, to me the more info the better, I agree that chances she planted the phone for you to read it and came back just 30 mins later is a stretch, if that was the case she would have probably return at least a couple of hours later to give you more time to notice it/read it.

I would not even feel bad about reading it, she cheated on you and destroyed her M, I would just read it even if just to discard any possibility to R years after the D (typically a very slim possibility but it happens and yes we've seen it here too). Worst case scenario you will have even more confirmation you're making the right decision, you could find nothing relevant or you could find confirmation that she's made some progress, and for FWIW, that she's truly remorseful.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 4:14 AM, Sunday, September 12th]

posts: 2696   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8688129

Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 1:56 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

Mr. F - maybe I’m incorrectly reading between the lines, but it sounds to me like you’re having second doubts about D? Not a judgement but simply a question.

posts: 577   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8688142

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 2:21 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

Info is power. Read - it may be relevant to your D process.

My W started and continued R work/behavior on d-day, even though she had no assurance of R. A remorseful WS does R work because it benefits the WS, whether R occurs or not. If behavior changes only because R is on the table, I'd question whethe rit was real or not. You say your W would R if you offered it. Has her behavior changed?

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27903   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8688144

grubs ( member #77165) posted at 5:05 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

But it might give me at least some insight into what she thinks now, because those past few weeks since she moved out our conversations are practicaly nonexistent, givem we are divorcing.

Back to my why question. Your chosen path is to distance yourself from her. This makes sense as it is your fastest way to get fully out of the infidelity. This action seems to be reversing that. You are letting her thoughts be of a concern. I'd read them now that you have them, but you need to figure out why you did something that sets yourself back on the path free of the mess of her creation. That's something I'd be more concerned about than anything you might find.

posts: 1371   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8688161

Wanttobebetter ( member #72484) posted at 5:38 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

I agree with SRC and CT.

OP, you decided to divorce your wife with no chance of R. Her business is none of yours anymore if it isn't concerning the kids. To be honest, you come across a bit hypocritical. You made it clear the lying and deceitful behavior were what doomed any chance of R. Don't you think What you were doing is also deceitful? It may not be to the extent of your wife's action after DDay but in my view deceitful nonetheless.

Best of luck.

posts: 188   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
id 8688165

 MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 6:46 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

Thank you all for your feedback. Even though she made it clear I can go through her phone/email whenever I want, I still felt like I was in the wrong. So the first thing this morning I sat down and deleted everything. Even though I wanted to see what she says to others (not me) and how it stands against what she tells me, I am in no position to exploit this anymore.

So it's all gone, unread. Clear path ahead now


posts: 317   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8688169

Unsure2019 ( member #71350) posted at 7:01 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

I remember months ago, before you decided on D, when you were texting another woman who was obviously interested in you. You only stopped after a number of posters pointed out it was exactly how your WW had started down her slippery path and the hypocrisy in what you were doing.

I think it would be helpful for you to think about holding yourself to the same standards that you held, and continue to hold your STBXWW too.

posts: 224   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2019   ·   location: California
id 8688171

Unsure2019 ( member #71350) posted at 7:07 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

Mr. F,

You posted while I was was typing mine. I think you made the right choice. Since you're moving on with no chance of R, it's just healthier for you to detach as much as you possibly can.

posts: 224   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2019   ·   location: California
id 8688173

66charger ( member #69471) posted at 7:32 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

Not a surprise. Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is looking.

Huge loss on her end.

posts: 325   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2019
id 8688175

Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 8:47 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

You are not working on R. She would like to, but you have chosen not to. And that’s fine. It’s good.

So you did the right thing. But remember, that means you are NOT working on the marriage or relationship.

If you were, and decide to someday; then you’d absolutely have the right to download her messages, even without her knowing, to confirm she is not cheating. And she should want you to do so.

But you’re not. So don’t. And move on with your life.

If you decide different someday, then make it very clear what you expect from her. But until that time, minimal discussions only about kids and finances if necessary. She’s free to be with whomever or do what she likes. I doubt she’d be in a relationship with anyone right now, but who knows.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3477   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8688184

beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 9:59 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

That's good. Since you're moving on, there's no reason to check on her messages now.

posts: 404   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8688187

paboy ( member #59482) posted at 10:00 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

Just being nosy, interest was piqued to see if there was anything scandalous on there.

But deleting it was a great move for you. The concept of trust, is something you don't want to lose in any relationship moving forward.

Don my hat to you. smile

posts: 613   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2017   ·   location: australia
id 8688188

guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 10:39 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

Then you should warn her to change her passwords too. You don't need them anymore, and actually have no right to control her.

posts: 637   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8688198

 MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 10:30 PM on Monday, September 13th, 2021

Well, you know, I wasn't exactly proud of myself for snooping in the first place if it makes it better. She's been very clear that I can check her phone, mail, anything whenever I feel like it. But it's been a while since I last checked and I guess I just wanted to know how genuine and honest are her attempts to redeem herself. I would be lying if i said there are no residual feelings of maybe and ifs, it's normal at this point. There goes my motivation, but I am glad I deleted everything now. Up and forward or whatever


posts: 317   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8688333
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