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My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now 2

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TheWrongOne ( Member #78753) posted at 4:46 PM on Friday, July 30th, 2021

Don't beat yourself up for giving her the chance to come clean. You gave her far more consideration than she deserved. This is one of those situations where I can guarantee you she will regret her actions for the rest of her life. I know this gets said a lot here , but you will indeed be the "one that got away", except you didn't get away, she threw you away. So fucking sad and unnecessary.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8679863
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Lalagirl ( Member #14576) posted at 4:58 PM on Friday, July 30th, 2021

Wishing you the best, Mr. F; you are always welcome to post in the S&D forum if you need SI from time to time - there are great folks in there!

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 37 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-37 & 34 11yo GS,8yo GD&6yo. GD (DD37) and 9yo GD & 4yo GD(DD34). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8628   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8679866
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 7:06 AM on Monday, August 2nd, 2021

Strength Mr F. May the wind be on your back as you move forward.

One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8680474
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 MrFlibble (original poster Member #76085) posted at 1:23 PM on Monday, August 2nd, 2021

Thank you, I will open a new thread in Separation/Divorce. I have many questions I would like to have answered or to just vent

Me: BH 33
Her: STBXWW 34
2 daughters under 6

EA/PA with coworker 05/20-09/20
Dday 8-10-2020
TTs, lies and more TTs with remorse here and there
Separated 08/21

posts: 244   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8680502
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 4:36 PM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

MrFlibble, I'll post here, because I'm too superstitious to read S/D.

I think posting your questions there is a great idea. There are a lot of very knowledgeable, caring people there.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26010   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8680861
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 MrFlibble (original poster Member #76085) posted at 9:31 AM on Friday, August 6th, 2021

She's moving out today. I think it finaly hit home that this is all very real and it's really hapenning. I had to take kids to a grandma because I didn't want them to see this.

I just have to remind myself this is all her doing, and it's really hard to not hate her for doing this.

Me: BH 33
Her: STBXWW 34
2 daughters under 6

EA/PA with coworker 05/20-09/20
Dday 8-10-2020
TTs, lies and more TTs with remorse here and there
Separated 08/21

posts: 244   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8681769
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rugswept ( Member #48084) posted at 10:08 AM on Friday, August 6th, 2021

Sorry about the whole thing Mr. Flibble. I've followed your story from DAY ONE.

Your story is another example of the life changing events that begin with an A. The fogsters in unicorn stupid land just don't know the dynamite they're playing with. They end up blowing up their families by cheating on everyone, especially their own children. From the day they began the A, the lives of all those around them were on the way to destruction.

You were fair in the way you dealt with this and you had to take the only rational path that remained, painful as it is. Yes, she did ALL of this without any help from anyone. Love your children. They're among the innocent victims of this big mess.

R'd (rug swept everything) decades ago.
I'm big on R. Very happy marriage but can never forget.

posts: 956   ·   registered: Jun. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: Northeast US
id 8681792
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 MrFlibble (original poster Member #76085) posted at 7:05 PM on Monday, August 16th, 2021

Just wanted to let you know that I am doing alright, given everything. My STBXW is almost completely moved out and has been surprisingly cooperative this past two weeks, which is in stark contrast with how things had been before. I strongly suspect her sister's influence but I will take it without a single complaint. Kids spend four days a week in here, but I can take them anytime I want, and so does she.

I stared thinking about selling the house, it's way too spacious and feels a bit empty, especially when kids are at her appartment, but it's nice having all this space for myself, from time to time. I will see, I might trade it for something smaller, who knows.

So overall things are not so bad these days. Maybe I am finaly coming to peace with this all, not condoning what she did, but more accepting it for what it is. Inner peace and all that nonsense

Hope you all are doing ok

Me: BH 33
Her: STBXWW 34
2 daughters under 6

EA/PA with coworker 05/20-09/20
Dday 8-10-2020
TTs, lies and more TTs with remorse here and there
Separated 08/21

posts: 244   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8683792
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BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 7:26 PM on Monday, August 16th, 2021

MrFlibble,

Glad to hear you're doing better. I would recommend holding off on any major decisions, such as selling your house, for 6-12 months. Give yourself some time to heal and come to terms with your new life.

How are your family and children dealing with this change? I know your family was pressuring you to reconcile (with your wife's help). Have they stopped? How are you kids handling everything? Hopefully you're getting them some counseling/therapy to help them process the change.

Lastly, how has your wife been behaving? Is she still intent on reconciling? It will be difficult to go NC with the kids, but you probably need some space to heal and determine your next steps. You may consider letting her know you need NC for a while to process what has happened. Not sure if she'll agree, but it may be worth a shot.

posts: 218   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8683800
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grubs ( Member #77165) posted at 12:59 AM on Tuesday, August 17th, 2021

My STBXW is almost completely moved out and has been surprisingly cooperative this past two weeks, which is in stark contrast with how things had been before. I strongly suspect her sister's influence but I will take it without a single complain


Why do I suspect she is just bidding her time and this is just a new tactic in winning you back. Going for the R after D. The next blow up is when she finds you are starting to date. Best of luck to you and your family. May you all find as much peace as possible as you live your new lives.

posts: 740   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8683855
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 MrFlibble (original poster Member #76085) posted at 12:14 PM on Tuesday, August 17th, 2021

MrFlibble,

Glad to hear you're doing better. I would recommend holding off on any major decisions, such as selling your house, for 6-12 months. Give yourself some time to heal and come to terms with your new life.

How are your family and children dealing with this change? I know your family was pressuring you to reconcile (with your wife's help). Have they stopped? How are you kids handling everything? Hopefully you're getting them some counseling/therapy to help them process the change.

Lastly, how has your wife been behaving? Is she still intent on reconciling? It will be difficult to go NC with the kids, but you probably need some space to heal and determine your next steps. You may consider letting her know you need NC for a while to process what has happened. Not sure if she'll agree, but it may be worth a shot.

I am not selling the house in any foreseeable future. It was just a passing thought, a possibility. I woke this morning feeling refreshed for the first time in months, and I take it as a good sign. Maybe I am really moving towards an acceptance.

Kids are doing OK, thanks for asking. The older one is acting up a bit, all this is very confusing for her and we deal with that. The younger does not understand it, and is a bit oblivious to everything. We met with our friend who works as a school psychologist and she gave us some leaflets (standard BS nonesense) and walked us through the process so we have at least a half decent idea what to do and what to say.

I cut my contact with my parent and I think they got the message. I know my mom is especially hit by this and it will take some time for dust to settle. But they have stopped with their pressure.

My STBXW is cooperative and mostly quiet. She knows what I want or require and she follows my lead. We talk logistics, but she made it clear she's not giving up if that's what you are asking. NC is unfortunately nearly impossible since we have 2 small kids, but I plan on progressively lower the amount of contact. We will see how that goes

Me: BH 33
Her: STBXWW 34
2 daughters under 6

EA/PA with coworker 05/20-09/20
Dday 8-10-2020
TTs, lies and more TTs with remorse here and there
Separated 08/21

posts: 244   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8683906
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Kindern ( New Member #78441) posted at 3:10 PM on Tuesday, August 17th, 2021

Have the two of you had any sort of discussion about hypothetical new partners going forward in regards to the kids?

I found it helpful to reinforce early that I would be moving on eventually with my "ill wait for you" ExWW. Formal agreements (however dubious in their capacity to be enforced) in the divorce regarding new partners and being around the kids was a good way of curbing expectations. Plus it would see where she is at.

Also, as you’re coming to terms with this all are you still firmly in the divorce without a future camp? Would her waiting be something you actually want incase you change your mind?

posts: 29   ·   registered: Mar. 4th, 2021   ·   location: Uk
id 8683921
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Jacobwakeup ( New Member #78699) posted at 7:48 AM on Wednesday, August 18th, 2021

Thanks for the update MrFlibble. Glad you are doing as well as you can under the circumstances.

I don’t think your wife is ever going to give up but I don’t see anything wrong with R further down the line if that is what YOU want and not because she just wears you down.

Better to be happy in yourself than in a place where it is cold outside where there is no sign of atmosphere.

Pottering About

posts: 22   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2021   ·   location: England
id 8684101
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AnOminousMan ( Member #79091) posted at 6:56 PM on Friday, August 20th, 2021

We talk logistics, but she made it clear she's not giving up if that's what you are asking.

Ironic isn't it? You may very well have cured her of her need for attention and validation from other men by having her seek it from you because you no longer provide it. And in true Catch-22 fashion, if you did give her the attention and validation she so desperately seeks, after receiving it from you she would likely start to seek it from others again.

Stay strong brother.

If you love me, you will keep my commandments. (John 14:15)
My story doesn't really matter. I had it way easier than most.
The only thing that matters is can you stare into the mirror and like what you see.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2021
id 8684611
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 MrFlibble (original poster Member #76085) posted at 10:15 PM on Saturday, August 21st, 2021

Sorry for my late replies, I've been busy with work (again) and I worry I am seriously starting to hate my job. If I am being brutally honest, I am in it for the pay and not because I particulary enjoy it or it gives me some kind of fullfilment. I might change a career, or just do something else for a while, who knows.

Lots of maybes in my life these days it seems. Funny how far the consequences of infidelity can go.


Why do I suspect she is just bidding her time and this is just a new tactic in winning you back. Going for the R after D. The next blow up is when she finds you are starting to date. Best of luck to you and your family. May you all find as much peace as possible as you live your new lives.

It's a possibility, for sure. If that's how it is it's not going to work for her. I am not saying (again) that there is absolutely zero chance of any form of future R, but that would be fully on my terms. And don't worry about me dating, my lame attempts in last few months gave me enough drama and chaos to last for a while.

But I am in a great shape and I would be lying if I told you I don't enjoy the attention laugh

Me: BH 33
Her: STBXWW 34
2 daughters under 6

EA/PA with coworker 05/20-09/20
Dday 8-10-2020
TTs, lies and more TTs with remorse here and there
Separated 08/21

posts: 244   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8684736
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 10:48 PM on Saturday, August 21st, 2021

And don't worry about me dating, my lame attempts in last few months gave me enough drama and chaos to last for a while.

You tried dating? What did your STBXW say? Did she find it out?

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8684738
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Notsure123 ( New Member #71460) posted at 11:43 AM on Wednesday, August 25th, 2021

This is such a sad story. What happened was awful but I can’t help feeling like you’re throwing the baby out with the bath water. I hope things work out for you.

posts: 26   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2019
id 8685302
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AnOminousMan ( Member #79091) posted at 4:25 PM on Wednesday, August 25th, 2021

What happened was awful but I can’t help feeling like you’re throwing the baby out with the bath water.

These days it never seems to fail that someone will chime in and tell an OP that they are making a mistake by going forward with D. He's likely already been told that by almost everyone in his life, including his parents. I don't understand why people insist on saying it here as well.

Despite her lies and betrayals, he still hasn't completely ruled out R in the future. He has shown her more grace than she deserves.

It's not for us to judge his decision.

[This message edited by AnOminousMan at 4:25 PM, Wednesday, August 25th]

If you love me, you will keep my commandments. (John 14:15)
My story doesn't really matter. I had it way easier than most.
The only thing that matters is can you stare into the mirror and like what you see.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2021
id 8685349
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 MrFlibble (original poster Member #76085) posted at 11:44 AM on Thursday, August 26th, 2021

You tried dating? What did your STBXW say? Did she find it out?

Well, shouldn't have called it dating. I didn't go on a date or met a women with an intention to form a romatic relationship. What I meant is all my interactions with opposite gender ended up blowing in my face.

Notsure123 Trust me, it wasn't an easy or swift decision. But I couldn't keep living like this

Me: BH 33
Her: STBXWW 34
2 daughters under 6

EA/PA with coworker 05/20-09/20
Dday 8-10-2020
TTs, lies and more TTs with remorse here and there
Separated 08/21

posts: 244   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8685536
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 12:48 PM on Thursday, August 26th, 2021

What I meant is all my interactions with opposite gender ended up blowing in my face.

Gotcha!
Girls might be starting to realize that pretty soon you'll be on the dating pool that's why some starts to show interest. Words fly fast. Did your STBXW see it or heard it? If she's heard news about it then she might be hitting herself now. She's starting to realize what she's missing. She's starting to realize what she gave up when she cheated.

I think I might have read before what you wrote that your friends were starting to introduce some woman to you during a party with your wife. What happened to that woman?

Well, whatever road you choose. I wish you good luck!

All the best!

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8685540
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