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My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now 2

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ramius ( Member #44750) posted at 4:37 AM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

Everyone is allowed to have their own standards and preferences.

What they will and will not except in a relationship.

And those standards and preferences do not have to conform to anyone else’s.

It’s good that you and her sister are keeping an eye on her. There was a poster here a few years back, AmbivalentOne, whose WW committed suicide after her decade long affair was discovered. Very sad. I hope she gets the help she needs.

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Their actions reveal their intentions. Their words conceal them.

posts: 1604   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014
id 8677409
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 MrFlibble (original poster Member #76085) posted at 12:54 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

I may have asked this question before, but I don't recall the answer. At one time you said that you may D your WW and maybe start dating her again. Is that a possiblity or has that ship sailed?

The ship has not sailed, it sunk. All the way down to the bottom of a sea because she consciously torpedoed it. I went agains my own conviction and offered her a possibility of R on a terms of honesty and she failed. I am just so done with all this

I just finished reading Walloped's story and found many similarities between his WW and mine when it comes to reasoning and overall background. But there is a huge difference between them in how they handled everything after Dday. If she did what MrsWalloped did, I believe we would come out of this with scars and issues that would need some work, but whole. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case.

Me: BH 33
Her: STBXWW 34
2 daughters under 6

EA/PA with coworker 05/20-09/20
Dday 8-10-2020
TTs, lies and more TT's with remorse here and there
Separated 08/21

posts: 239   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8677438
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Kindern ( New Member #78441) posted at 3:14 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

With R entirely off the table has she revisited the idea she would “wait” for you? I recall she said she would… as meaningless as those words tend to be.

I ask because my ex-WW was similar to yours in that she damaged any chances of reconciliation with lying post D-Day more than she did with her affair (again, like your situation there wasn’t any sex but attention seeking, texting and in my case one “date” ending in a kiss.)

She said she would “wait” for me and as much as I have gone low contact our child means we interact and occasionally I’m reminded that 6 years on she’s kept to her word (confirmed sporadically by friends and family trying to get me to either reconcile or force her to let go). I bring it up because I personally struggle now with the fact I have to remind myself of her deceit and selfishness back then because the sands of time have a way of framing the deceit post d-day as trying to protect our then relationship and me rather than herself. Every year of “waiting” for me that goes by it gains a little bit more sincerity and it’s hard. Is your wife likely to make being divorced hard or has she largely accepted it? Finally.

[This message edited by Kindern at 9:15 AM, July 22nd (Thursday)]

posts: 29   ·   registered: Mar. 4th, 2021   ·   location: Uk
id 8677487
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nekonamida ( Member #42956) posted at 3:56 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

She said she would “wait” for me and as much as I have gone low contact our child means we interact and occasionally I’m reminded that 6 years on she’s kept to her word (confirmed sporadically by friends and family trying to get me to either reconcile or force her to let go).

Just to be clear - it's not your responsibility. She fired you as her husband when she cheated by breaking the marriage contract. It seems like she's not dating anyone and introducing them to friends and family but it's not likely that she's been a celibate angel this whole time. Marriage couldn't stop her from sleeping with someone else after all. Someone who holds onto another person and attempts to manipulate them with their behavior - which is what this is similar to a child refusing to eat or holding their breath to get their way - is still broken and in need of fixing themselves. It's not a good testament to her character that she's refusing to move on and getting other people involved to make you feel guilty about it.

posts: 4956   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8677504
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 6:58 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

Mr. F,

Have you communicated with your STBXW about your intentions to never R? From what I read from your previous posts, it seems your discussion with her is to D first then try to R after the D was finalized.

Have you been clear with her now that you won't be trying to go back to her after D? How did she take it? Did she leave your house after she signed the papers?

Were there other updates regarding her A that came to light?

All the best.

posts: 374   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8677552
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66charger ( Member #69471) posted at 5:43 AM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

Have you been clear with her now that you won't be trying to go back to her after D?

This should be the final question to "What now". If there is no hope then make sure she knows it and move on.

Strapping her down for a poly (that she passed) and tearing up the divorce papers a few months ago may have given her hope. Hope is a fucking troll. You were clear that it didnt mean reconciliation and you are free to change your mind....but if this is your call, then stand by it.

What now has been answered. It is time to burn the witch.

posts: 286   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2019
id 8677685
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 MrFlibble (original poster Member #76085) posted at 9:44 AM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

Kindern Yeah, no. She's very clear on a fact that she won't give up anytime soon. I already gave up on trying to persuade her. I just ignore it and yeah and uhm my way out. I don't want to be a dick, but it's just pointless at this point

I just hope we can slowly move to a productive co-parenting without much drama. I am not saying that we won't find our way back together in a future, but for now I want to get this over with and move on. I've been in here for almost a year now and I think that's enough for now.

Me: BH 33
Her: STBXWW 34
2 daughters under 6

EA/PA with coworker 05/20-09/20
Dday 8-10-2020
TTs, lies and more TT's with remorse here and there
Separated 08/21

posts: 239   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8677697
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 11:37 AM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

Mr. F,

Good luck on your future! With or without your wife.
I personally wish you and her the best in life. In all honesty, I wish that you both end up together despite what happened. I hope she learned a lesson and what happened to your marriage made her a more responsible wife, may it be you or someone else in her future.

All the best!

posts: 374   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8677755
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Jacobwakeup ( New Member #78699) posted at 8:08 AM on Saturday, July 24th, 2021

Hi Mr F. So sorry that things have not worked out the way most people, certainly at the beginning such a long time ago, were hoping they would.

I do think you are right - this has been going on for so long now, things aren’t going to get any better because her failure to stop lying is the thing that has killed this marriage, and you are just going to carry on hurting.

I do worry for your health and I think you need to look after yourself more. The ongoing saga has, by your own admission, seen you lose too much sleep and the levels of stress are just not good for you.

Time to make that break and move forward with your life as best you can. It seems to me that divorce, no matter how difficult it may be, can’t be any worse than the emotions you are going through now.

How are you going to deal with your wife’s lack of acceptance? You have been pretty kind to her throughout all this.

As many have said before, this is just so sad, a waste of a marriage and has hurt so many people in addition to just the two of you. Your wife had every opportunity to save your marriage but lied throughout. You, on the other hand, have behaved with dignity, compassion and integrity throughout, often at a personal cost.

You will continue to be a good dad, will meet someone else sometime in the future, and will get that happiness back that has been stolen from you.

Pottering About

posts: 22   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2021   ·   location: England
id 8678118
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steadychevy ( Member #42608) posted at 1:39 PM on Saturday, July 24th, 2021

I agree, Jacob. This is another example of how what happens after DDay affects the outcome.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4657   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8678137
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 MrFlibble (original poster Member #76085) posted at 10:59 AM on Monday, July 26th, 2021

We filed on Friday, so now we just have to wait. It should tak about 2-3 months until the hearing but it should be a smooth ride so to speak. My STBXW is not taking it well, but it is what it is. Too late for if or maybe.

We will have a talk with girls sometime this week, my parents and her mom already know. No big drama, at least not yet and I hope it stays that way.

Thank you all for your input and wishes and I hope somebody can at least learn from my mistakes and won't repeat them in case they will find themselves in my shoes

MrF

Me: BH 33
Her: STBXWW 34
2 daughters under 6

EA/PA with coworker 05/20-09/20
Dday 8-10-2020
TTs, lies and more TT's with remorse here and there
Separated 08/21

posts: 239   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8678445
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 11:45 AM on Monday, July 26th, 2021

Thank you all for your input and wishes and I hope somebody can at least learn from my mistakes and won't repeat them in case they will find themselves in my shoes

I'm not sure if what you did is a mistake. You took your time and you were firm on what you wanted to do. Other BS's should take an example from you. You didn't act out of line after all what's happened to you.

posts: 374   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8678450
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BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 4:35 PM on Monday, July 26th, 2021

MrFlibble,

I hope somebody can at least learn from my mistakes and won't repeat them in case they will find themselves in my shoes

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Your wife's affair blindsided you during a global pandemic and you handled it admirably. This is especially true when your STBXW's father died. You simply didn't count on her continued lying and trickle truth - totally understandable. In the end, her failure to come clean after getting caught (and not before a polygraph) was a dealbreaker for you. Sometimes it takes time to figure out what you can and cannot live with. You've done that and are moving on. Good luck to you!

posts: 214   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8678526
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 MrFlibble (original poster Member #76085) posted at 9:38 AM on Wednesday, July 28th, 2021

You are very kind, but I made many mistakes and am at least partly responsibe for my misery after Dday. But that's ok, we are not perfect and I think it's expected.

The talk with kids was yesterday, so that't another obstacle we jumped over. More to come, but I will take it one at a time

So I believe my time here is coming to an end. You all were tremendous help in getting me out of infidelity and I thank you for that. I might come back to let you know how I am doing, who knows. But for now.. goodbye and again, thank you.

Me: BH 33
Her: STBXWW 34
2 daughters under 6

EA/PA with coworker 05/20-09/20
Dday 8-10-2020
TTs, lies and more TT's with remorse here and there
Separated 08/21

posts: 239   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8679142
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 11:37 AM on Wednesday, July 28th, 2021

Take care MrFlibble.

Even though I think she deserved it, I can't help feeling sorry for what happened. I hope you have a problem-free co-parenting of your children.

We'd be glad if you could let us know how it is going from time to time.

posts: 476   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8679149
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 MrFlibble (original poster Member #76085) posted at 5:17 PM on Wednesday, July 28th, 2021

Yes, I am very sorry too. And she's very sorry, and her mom, and my parents, and her sister and most of our friends. We are all very sorry. But that doesn't change a thing, does it? She did what she did and now we both (and unfortunately also our kids) have to face the aftermath of her stupid, selfish choices. (sorry in a bit of an angry phase right now due to something she said today so I apologize for my tone). I just want to move forward and live my life.

Me: BH 33
Her: STBXWW 34
2 daughters under 6

EA/PA with coworker 05/20-09/20
Dday 8-10-2020
TTs, lies and more TT's with remorse here and there
Separated 08/21

posts: 239   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8679225
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nekonamida ( Member #42956) posted at 5:32 PM on Wednesday, July 28th, 2021

Good luck, Mr. F. Feel free to come and updates us if circumstances change or just because you're happy again.

posts: 4956   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8679228
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iggyb ( New Member #74562) posted at 6:05 PM on Wednesday, July 28th, 2021

Good luck Mr. F.

Nobody can see the future. Maybe, one day, if its right for you, you may both find your way back to each other in a new relationship. We know you love your wife but this marriage has to end for you to move forward.

We have been with you all the way and will be here if you ever need us in the future.

Have a great life Mr. F. you and your girls deserve it.

posts: 22   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8679235
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 6:06 PM on Wednesday, July 28th, 2021

We are all very sorry. But that doesn't change a thing, does it? She did what she did and now we both (and unfortunately also our kids) have to face the aftermath of her stupid, selfish choices. (sorry in a bit of an angry phase right now due to something she said today so I apologize for my tone). I just want to move forward and live my life.

You have more right than anyone else to be sorry and angry.

I'm not sorry because of your decision, but that, just like you said, your life had to be turned upside down involuntarily as a result of someone else's stupid and selfish choices. That someone was the person who should be trusted the most and always be by your side.

Now that you've made up your mind, I can say that I would have divorced too, I guess it would have been enough to find out that she was having an affair, I might not even need to investigate further. Maybe I would search to know the whole truth for myself, but I definitely wouldn't have R or D indecision.

posts: 476   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8679236
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Lifeitself ( Member #71057) posted at 10:23 PM on Wednesday, July 28th, 2021

What did she say Mr F?

posts: 80   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2019   ·   location: UK
id 8679306
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