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My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now 2

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grubs ( Member #77165) posted at 2:31 PM on Thursday, August 26th, 2021

What happened to that woman?

She was a boundary pusher which isn't a good fit for a recently BS.

posts: 733   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8685552
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 MrFlibble (original poster Member #76085) posted at 8:14 PM on Thursday, August 26th, 2021

Yes, she's aware some of my friends are trying to set me up. She's not thrilled, obviously, but I can promise you nothing will come out of it. Way too soon. I need to put my life in order first before I would even think about it.

We have been in contact a lot these past few days over texts. I found it's easier that way because when I am face to face with her it easily becomes too much even after all the time I had to process everything. I get some sort of apology or assurence at least twice a day, so yeah, she knows. I also called my parents today and we are having lunch on Sunday. Met few friends forma beer, that sort of stuff.

I told her about that job offer I got, told her I am thinking about it. She congratulated me but it was obviously not very happy congratulation. So we texted about it a lot, what it would mean. She even offered to move with me (but not as a couple), which was surprising since I know she absolutely loves where we live and when I had a similar oportunity in the past she was firmly agains it. But still, I don't think I will take it. Too much time away from kids and my family. It's great opportunity and all, but some things are more important.

Also, today was 1 year anniversary of one of the physical instances of her infidelity. I tried to busy myself with anything that came to my mind, but I still had multiple moment when I just stopped, sat down and played the mind movies. I even cried a bit. Then I just went back to what I was doing. So strange.

Me: BH 33
Her: STBXWW 34
2 daughters under 6

EA/PA with coworker 05/20-09/20
Dday 8-10-2020
TTs, lies and more TT's with remorse here and there
Separated 08/21

posts: 239   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8685608
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AnOminousMan ( Member #79091) posted at 8:56 PM on Thursday, August 26th, 2021

Yes, she's aware some of my friends are trying to set me up. She's not thrilled, obviously, but I can promise you nothing will come out of it. Way too soon. I need to put my life in order first before I would even think about it.

That's probably a good idea. Wishing you well in your healing.

We have been in contact a lot these past few days over texts. I found it's easier that way because when I am face to face with her it easily becomes too much even after all the time I had to process everything. I get some sort of apology or assurence at least twice a day, so yeah, she knows. I also called my parents today and we are having lunch on Sunday. Met few friends forma beer, that sort of stuff.

Have your parents "gotten it" yet?

I told her about that job offer I got, told her I am thinking about it. She congratulated me but it was obviously not very happy congratulation. So we texted about it a lot, what it would mean. She even offered to move with me (but not as a couple), which was surprising since I know she absolutely loves where we live and when I had a similar oportunity in the past she was firmly agains it. But still, I don't think I will take it. Too much time away from kids and my family. It's great opportunity and all, but some things are more important.

If it's any consolation, from everything you've told us, I have no doubt that she loves you deeply. I pray that, with time and the appropriate counsel, she develops into a person who can also be loyal and honest.

Also, today was 1 year anniversary of one of the physical instances of her infidelity. I tried to busy myself with anything that came to my mind, but I still had multiple moment when I just stopped, sat down and played the mind movies. I even cried a bit. Then I just went back to what I was doing. So strange.

I don't find it so strange. No matter what we do, whether we D or R, no matter what decisions we make, the best we can hope for is to stop the bleeding and not inflict further injury on ourselves. Or let others continue to injure us. The wound will be there forever. Your scars are just aching a bit when it rains.

[This message edited by AnOminousMan at 8:56 PM, Thursday, August 26th]

If you love me, you will keep my commandments. (John 14:15)
My story doesn't really matter. I had it way easier than most.
The only thing that matters is can you stare into the mirror and like what you see.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2021
id 8685618
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 11:10 PM on Thursday, August 26th, 2021

Also, today was 1 year anniversary of one of the physical instances of her infidelity. I tried to busy myself with anything that came to my mind, but I still had multiple moment when I just stopped, sat down and played the mind movies. I even cried a bit. Then I just went back to what I was doing. So strange.

Did you inform her about it? Is she aware of the date?

posts: 374   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8685639
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 MrFlibble (original poster Member #76085) posted at 11:37 PM on Thursday, August 26th, 2021

Have your parents "gotten it" yet?

It's hard on my parents, especially my mom. They are (were) really close, maybe even closer than her real mom. So I don't blame them in the least. But yeah, they have gotten it so to speak.

That's the point, right? She loves me (and I believe she does, at least on some level) and she still did what she did. Does that make sense to you? It doesn't to me. And I struggle with this a lot, still. She still goes to IC twice a week, and I hope it will bring it's fruit. So far it seem it does


Did you inform her about it? Is she aware of the date?

No, we did not discuss it. I didn't bring it up and neither did she. It was deliberate on my part, but she had trouble recalling exact dates even during the time I was pulling the truth out of her so she might as easy forgot or don't realize it. It's one of the things that made mad today, she can pretty casualy forgot or don't remember, but I've got those dates burned in my head forever?

Also, what good would bringing it up bring? It makes me sad, hurt and angry. She's sorry and remorseful. All this had been discussed over and over again in the past. So what would be the point of circling back? More hurt on top of what I went through today? No, thanks.

Me: BH 33
Her: STBXWW 34
2 daughters under 6

EA/PA with coworker 05/20-09/20
Dday 8-10-2020
TTs, lies and more TT's with remorse here and there
Separated 08/21

posts: 239   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8685642
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AnOminousMan ( Member #79091) posted at 11:53 PM on Thursday, August 26th, 2021

It's hard on my parents, especially my mom. They are (were) really close, maybe even closer than her real mom. So I don't blame them in the least. But yeah, they have gotten it so to speak.

Thank God for small mercies, like not having to deal the additional pressure from family.

That's the point, right? She loves me (and I believe she does, at least on some level) and she still did what she did. Does that make sense to you? It doesn't to me. And I struggle with this a lot, still. She still goes to IC twice a week, and I hope it will bring it's fruit. So far it seem it does

I don't necessarily believe that all WW don't love their BS during their affairs; unicorns do exist. The ones that do love their BS and still betray them just love themselves, and their selfish wants, more. Once she realizes that, perhaps, she has never truly loved anyone, in the real sense of the word, it may lead her to her journey to becoming a better person.

And when I say that she has never truly loved anyone, I won't speculate about whether your wife truly loves your children. Despite causing the destruction of your family, I'm sure she does. At least to the extent that she can. But, in my line of work, I've seen many parents betray their children. Often for the same selfish reasons people have affairs. I have trouble accepting that you really love a person that you betray beyond a superficial level.

[This message edited by AnOminousMan at 11:55 PM, Thursday, August 26th]

If you love me, you will keep my commandments. (John 14:15)
My story doesn't really matter. I had it way easier than most.
The only thing that matters is can you stare into the mirror and like what you see.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2021
id 8685648
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 MrFlibble (original poster Member #76085) posted at 5:14 PM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021

Ok, I need your help. As you know, we are closing on a D (about two weeks away), things are going oretty smooth right now, very little drama if any, STBXW is cooperative and generally overly nice to me. She doesn't push, but makes it obvious she would jump at first signal I am open to any form of R, no matter if we get divorced or not.

So my problem is.. last evening when she was picking up kids from here, she forgot her phone. I went to lock the front door and it was just sitting there on a shelf. So I did what I did, I got in (she didn't change her password), nothing that would catch my eye right away, but I downloaded her Whatsapp logs with her mom, friends and her sister. I don't even know why I did it. She came back around 30 minutes later asking if she didn't left her phone here, so I played dumb and we went looking for it. Felt like an idiot doing it but I don't think she had a suspicion.

I have not read it yet, been sitting on it since, and feel like I shouldn't. Should I just delete it? Don't know what I expect to get from it, really. I almost feel ashamed for invading her privacy in such a horrible manner. So what would you do?

Me: BH 33
Her: STBXWW 34
2 daughters under 6

EA/PA with coworker 05/20-09/20
Dday 8-10-2020
TTs, lies and more TT's with remorse here and there
Separated 08/21

posts: 239   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8688075
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BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 5:39 PM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021

MrFlibble,

I think it boils down to whether you are set on divorce or open to reconciliation. If you are set on divorce, delete the logs. It really isn't your business anymore and you should not be pain shopping. If you are open to reconciliation and want to understand if she is "walking the talk" by not engaging any other men or telling her friends/family something different from what she tells you, then I suppose you could check the logs. If you are open to reconciliation, you should be honest with her and let her know. It wouldn't necessarily be a certainty that you would reconcile after the divorce and you would need time to heal while she works on herself, but it would be the honest thing to do.

[This message edited by BlueRaspberry at 5:44 PM, Saturday, September 11th]

posts: 214   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8688076
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LostOpportunities20 ( Member #74401) posted at 5:52 PM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021

Hmmmm.... read it ONLY if you're still considering R after D. In that case information is your friend.

The fact that you checked makes me think that there is some little part of you that wants to try R at some point after the D (sorry, I haven't read every post in your thread, so not sure if you have addressed this).

If you are moving on and not looking back other than co-parenting, I would leave it alone. No need to pain shop. It will only hinder your healing.

BH (late 40s)
WW (late 40s) EA 2008, EA/probably PA 2009

Confessed the first, I caught her the second.

R only in as much as we'll stick it out. Too late to start over.

posts: 106   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2020
id 8688077
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steadychevy ( Member #42608) posted at 7:27 PM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021

I say read it. As time passes and she seems to have "done the work" you may start thinking that maybe there is a chance at R. You may start thinking this even if you are dead set on D and no R after right now.

My IC suggested I make a list of all the behaviours and things my XWW did during her adultery and after DDay. I started it and it is quite lengthy but no where complete. The IC suggested it because she thought it wasn't uncommon that one starts to soften and only wistfully remember the good things. I haven't looked at it in a long, long time and never did complete it.

I suggest you do the same. Reading the logs could add to the list of reasons to D and end it forever. It might also provide evidence that R might be a possibility down the road.

I think it would bother me to have had the opportunity and not taken advantage of it. The things that bother me considerably is what I did not do when I suspected my XWW was cheating.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4657   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8688082
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straightup ( New Member #78778) posted at 7:48 PM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021

Thought experiment. What might you find and how might that affect your attitudes, choices and behavior. For example, if there was ongoing contact with AP, or if she were fishing around for flattery from men, or if she were badmouthing you, it might reinforce you decision to let those 2 weeks to divorce slide by. But what if there is nothing, or a few things more or less consistent with the face she is showing you, or even somethings which reinforce that she is looking inwards and trying to change for the better. Your honest self appraisal of that may be a useful thing to know about yourself. If your answer is ‘it would make no difference’, why look at the phone? If your answer is ‘I don’t know?’ or ‘I’ll know if I see it?’, can I suggest you ponder some more. If the answer is that you are still invested in this relationship, and might want to push the D date back if the phone does not prove she is being insincere with you, then I would look at the phone data.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
Mother Teresa

posts: 17   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8688085
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gr8ful ( Member #58180) posted at 8:55 PM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021

Just a thought since your wife seems (otherwise) very intelligent. Could it be possible she deliberately left her phone with you, knowing it’s clean (whether scrubbed or this was a longer term plan) as a means of getting you to think she’s now been a good girl?

posts: 82   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8688092
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LostOpportunities20 ( Member #74401) posted at 9:04 PM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021

Just a thought since your wife seems (otherwise) very intelligent. Could it be possible she deliberately left her phone with you, knowing it’s clean (whether scrubbed or this was a longer term plan) as a means of getting you to think she’s now been a good girl?

Good point. The fact that the password is still the same is odd to me.

Whether it was scrubbed or she is legitimately on the straight and narrow and just trying to find subtle ways to show it... I don't know about you Mr.Flibble, but either scenario seems somewhat manipulative. Hopefully this was an honest mistake.

BH (late 40s)
WW (late 40s) EA 2008, EA/probably PA 2009

Confessed the first, I caught her the second.

R only in as much as we'll stick it out. Too late to start over.

posts: 106   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2020
id 8688093
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straightup ( New Member #78778) posted at 9:10 PM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021

I wondered the same thing but, Mr Fibble is no slouch either. Ockham’s razor came to mind. Ww distracted by the kids. Only 30 minutes until she came back. Had to look for phone (or at least act like it, and maybe she’s a better actor than Mr Fibble). If the phone was not strategically placed for discovery and if she did not somehow signal it’s position to Mr F before she left (i.e. he just happened upon it), chances are it is not a plant.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
Mother Teresa

posts: 17   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8688094
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Kindern ( New Member #78441) posted at 9:39 PM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021

I think it’s a stretch to say this might have been planned by the wife, We need to remember that up until recently it was her home too.

It’s not beyond belief she put her phone down inside the building she considered her home for god-knows how long and forgot it.

Has nobody here walked out the house without their phone? That’s basically what she did.

As for the messages… logically I agree this comes down to whether R is on the table but in reality I know Id read them either way and wouldn’t blame MrF for doing so.

posts: 29   ·   registered: Mar. 4th, 2021   ·   location: Uk
id 8688100
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Dude67 ( Member #75700) posted at 9:42 PM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021

To me it’s a no brainer - look at the messages.

Evan dash

posts: 96   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8688101
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 9:45 PM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021

There is a strong possibility that she left the phone not by mistake. If the password is still the same, I believe that what you can find there are all messages about how she's still pining on you and how to keep her family together. You won't find any incriminating messages there.

I agree to all the posters here, if your plan is still to continue with D and never look back, then there's no point in checking the logs but if you're still leaning towards R, just like what your original plan was, then have a look and see if she's still trying to work on R too.

All the best!

posts: 374   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8688102
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 10:59 PM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021

Now that you've downloaded the messages, you're curious and want to read them. Then read.

Knowing can add something to you, but it doesn't lessen anything.

It occurred to me, too, that she might have left the phone on purpose. This possibility is strengthened if you see a message that seems to have been written recently and for you to read. I hope you left it in the position you found it.

You are going through a difficult time. I bet you wish you had the superpower to read her mind. This is something like that, in a sense.

posts: 476   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8688105
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 MrFlibble (original poster Member #76085) posted at 11:20 PM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021

Thank you all, I have given myself till morning to figure out if I want to read it. Reading it doesn't mean I want to R, I want to make that clear. But it might give me at least some insight into what she thinks now, because those past few weeks since she moved out our conversations are practicaly nonexistent, givem we are divorcing. I guess I am still trying to grasp at least some resemblance of reality and whys.

I highly doubt she left the phone here on purpose, we forget something all the time, having two small kids to deal with makes one a bit absent-minded. Also, I have had her passcode long before she left her phone. I actually still have all her passwords for phone, emails and such. I periodically checked after Dday (with and without her knowing) for signs that it was still going on, but never found anything and besides, if she wanted to continue she's clever enough to not let me catch her as she has proven multiple times.

I just saw the phone there, knew I had good 10 minutes before she realizes and comes back and I took my chance, don't really know why. It's not that I don't trust her and think she's doing anything shady again, I just would like to know what´s going on in her head these days. I quess the connection I am trying to break is still pretty strong sad

Me: BH 33
Her: STBXWW 34
2 daughters under 6

EA/PA with coworker 05/20-09/20
Dday 8-10-2020
TTs, lies and more TT's with remorse here and there
Separated 08/21

posts: 239   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8688106
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 11:36 PM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021

To be honest, you have made it clear to her and everyone that the divorce is going through and it is only two weeks away. You have also made it clear to us that you have no intention of taking her back ever. Given that set of facts, you had no business looking at her phone. You compounded your act by downloading her private information AND acting dumb that you didn't know where her phone might be. Was she possibly manipulative in purposefully leaving the phone behind for you to discover? Maybe. But how does your behavior compare in this particular situation?

What you should have done was not look at her phone and hand it to her when she returned later. But if you intend to look at the messages, come clean and tell your STBXWW what you did and that you wish to view the messages. If she says no, erase them. If she says ok, then look. That is the honest and right thing to do. Will this open a can of worms? Probably, but whose fault is that? Otherwise, I suggest you erase the messages and continue on your course.

posts: 409   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8688107
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