gmc94 posted 4/21/2021 14:49 PM

So, now that I have a steady job, I'm beginning to look at houses, etc.
First, the market effing SUCKS for a buyer, so a nice opportunity for anxiety

Today, I FINALLY called some realtor friends. Not a fun convo to say that WH and I are separating, and D is probably in the future, and I need to figure out what I gotta do to find and purchase a house. Something I've never had to do (WH owned our house before we met).

And man oh man, can I feel that resentment seeping into my bones.
Resent that he fucking blew it all up
Resent that R was never really an option, as working on fixing his shit has never been a priority.
Resent that I wasn't in a financial space to embark on this chapter until the market blew up

Just generally POd at the whole effing world.
ugh. I hate this.

I didn't get M to get a D.

EllieKMAS posted 4/21/2021 14:56 PM

(((gmc)))

It all sucks girlfriend. Divorce is not fun, no matter whether it is the right decision or not.

It helped me when I was in the suck to try to reframe when I started going down those spirally resentment tunnels. Instead of looking at what I was 'losing' instead looking at what I would gain. And I will tell you now being on the other side of it, my gains far outweigh any losses I suffered. And too, a lot of my fears about the finances and such turned out to be wildly overblown in my head.

You'll get there too. Just take it one little step at a time.

DanielJK posted 4/21/2021 15:06 PM

I'm with you gmc94.

I was just looking at houses in my area...it sucks.

And they are going fast.

Houses in my price range are dumps. I looked at one the other day, total dump...it came on the market on a Tuesday and was sold on Wednesday.

Then I hear the STBXWW complain about what is "fair."

Unbelievable.

As if the anxiety that comes with divorce is not enough, add the stress of an impossible real estate market.

Sorry, didn't mean to make things worse...just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

I fucking hate this.

gmc94 posted 4/21/2021 17:26 PM

Thanks Ellie - I can "see" the things I will gain.
I suppose I just don't like having to do the work to navigate to that place. Maybe plain old laziness that's easier pidgeonholed into resentment? I dunno.

And Daniel - been reading your threads and the rollercoaster has sure as F given you some G-forced twists & turns. The emotional detachment that I embarked upon starting late in year 2 helps. Like you, I've been "headed for D but hoping for R", but been doing it for such a long-ass time it's like that place has become my life.... a place that just doesn't work for me.

It took a LOT of patience, zen, mindfulness, whatever to not tell my realtor friends WHY I'm leaving my husband and in need of a home. SUPER hard to not say mothafucka lied to me our entire M and cheated for a decade and I'm walking my fine, fat, ass out the door :)

Then this afternoon I got invited to a happy hour for a bunch of vaccinated folks that are in the industry that WH and I both work in, which means I'll be asked a dozen or so times "How is your WH?" Now that I'm pulling the plug, I'm really not looking forward to that either (note to self: Do NOT have more than a single drink or you WILL be saying 'mothafucka lied..." which would probably not be a good idea). So, I look forward to the happy hour and seeing folks, but feel internally awkward about how to respond to that question (which has already sucked for 3+ years, but now somehow feels like an even bigger lie than it did in year 1).

Maybe that's another "opportunity" to find in all of this?

Just Ugh.

EllieKMAS posted 4/21/2021 19:21 PM

Gmc I danced over speaking my truth for a long time. Until Rashawnda (may the universe smile upon her forever).

Once D was imminent, I no longer gave two diddly fucks about his reputation. I told everyone, not in a fuck you way, but in a very factual way. "I'm divorcing because he cheated on me." Short sweet and to the point.

You tell whoever you want to. This is your truth and you are not obligated to keep his secrets. Obvs since you're not D'd yet, follow the advice of your lawyer, but IMHO you can share YOUR truth with whoever you damn well please. Also for me, I didn't want people creating their own narrative about it or allowing him to gloss over his cheating - I wanted to control that info.

I get the resentment piece of it for sure. I felt it too for awhile. More just I resented being forced into having to make those decisions because of him. But ultimately, the temporary resentments were more than worth the peace I have gained.

BearlyBreathing posted 4/21/2021 19:52 PM

It still creeps in every now and then for me, even though i am happily D’d. Like everything else, it takes time. And, for me, a bit of work.

No advise, it does just suck.

Cooley2here posted 4/21/2021 19:58 PM

Because of taxes etc we are often constrained in how/when to spend our money. If you can rent do it. Wait. This bubble will burst. It always does. I live in what used to be a semi rural part of the south. As i go into our small town i am overwhelmed at the huge number of people who have moved here this year. That will also slow down.
My husband and I used to move often over the years due to his job. We did not have the luxury of time. We had to buy quickly. On three occasions we gave it a year and then found what we wanted. It helps not to panic. Let your friends know your budget and give them time.

dogcopter posted 4/21/2021 21:00 PM

The housing market really sucks right now! I'm having trouble finding a place too.

I'm sorry you are resentful and angry. I spend most of my time in depression but sometimes I move over to anger. I find that I'm kindof irrational when I do.

It sucks and it's ok to say it over and over again. Make it your mantra under your breath. I read some of the stories on the new beginnings page and I'm starting to believe there's another side to all this... Just keep going!

[This message edited by dogcopter at 9:01 PM, April 21st (Wednesday)]

FaithFool posted 4/21/2021 21:44 PM

I hear you.

I got kicked off the property ladder after D because we'd just renovated an older house and were in debt up to the eyeballs on what was supposed to be our forever home.

I should have just hung onto it and rented it out, but I was so mindfucked by everything I couldn't even begin to deal with people or real estate.

Sold it and bought a condo that went sideways, sold that, and wound up just renting the most beautiful place I lucked into one day.

Now I'm over a decade down the road, that house pretty much doubled in value for the other owners, and I have just enough savings left for a down payment in another part of the country buying in with a BFF.

And of course the market everywhere is now absolutely bonkers and I can't go where I want to look because of lockdown so I wait and see.

It sucks but it is what it is, just more collateral damage.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 9:45 PM, April 21st (Wednesday)]

skeetermooch posted 4/22/2021 12:09 PM

I so feel you, GMC. I hate having to do all the crap I have to do to recover, heal and rebuild my life because of my XWH. I was settled, happily married and wanted to stay that course - not reinvent myself at nearly 60 years-old. It's overwhelming at times.

As to not telling people - I talk. Like Ellie, I simply say he cheated. I'm careful not to vomit my trauma and look like the truly crazy person I've become, but I will speak the truth matter of factly. You might just be doing someone a favor by letting it be known that he's a cheater.

This a shitty time to buy for sure. Sorry you're dealing with that. I agree with the others - these bubbles burst if you can wait it out.

Shehawk posted 4/22/2021 12:37 PM

Sorry gmc

It hurts

About the housing market etc. I am not an expert in the real estate business but someone I used to know told me that there are tricks if the trade or legitimate hacks etc besides just waiting for the market too.

One as an example that I heard of and researched for myself I think is called the HUD first look for people who live in homes that they buy as HUD foreclosed.

Another might be to network and get something a friend of a friend is selling before it hits the market. I might get flamed by realtors for this and there are risks I am sure but I do know first-hand that a strategy is to gget stuff like that...appareny a lot of properties people die and the heirs sell that way.

You seem like a decent person and I am rooting for there to be provision for your needs.

crazyblindsided posted 4/22/2021 16:24 PM

Yes it does suck. The resentments of all that is lost for some stupid self gratifying bullsh*t omg. I'll never understand it.

josiep posted 4/23/2021 11:57 AM

The house you live in is half yours whether it was his before your marriage or not. And the amount of your share would be at today's prices.

Have you spoken to an attorney yet? Because if you don't want to move out, it's possible the court will allow you to stay in the house and have him move out. At least until you can get yourself sorted out, counseling, financially secure, etc.

gmc94 posted 4/23/2021 18:40 PM

JosieP - Thank you for those points. I'm aware of legal/division of property issues in my state.

HalfTime2017 posted 4/23/2021 21:20 PM

Resentment and bitterness is all a part of this. We all go through it and its last for awhile.

At some point though, the hope is that those feelings go away and you'll be in a better place.

As for the house that he owns, ask your attorney. If you have contributed in anyway, paid part of the mortgage, bill