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What would you think?

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36yearsgone posted 4/15/2021 11:18 AM

Last night I decided to purchase a new vehicle. One that will allow me to drive more safely while my journey into blindness continues. I purchased a car with certain safety features, collision avoidance, lane drifting alert, etc.

As I was purchasing the car, my mind drifted to what might happen to my marriage if I go completely blind. Will my wife leave me? Will she return to her cheating ways? I was haunted by these thoughts for several hours. There is something more than mildly frightening about going blind and being completely alone. Itís also disturbing for me as a very independent person to imagine being dependent on anybody, including, and maybe especially, my FWW.

I am having a very difficult time processing this.

LizM posted 4/15/2021 12:21 PM

mildly frightening
It's more than mildly frightening I think!

I can't imagine what you are going through. Maybe you can find a support group for people who are losing their sight who can give you better advice. Even if your wife hadn't cheated it would still be a huge thing to go through, but that just adds a extra layer of worry to it for sure.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I hope Arizona has some resources available to help people who are dealing with vision loss.

Apparition posted 4/15/2021 12:53 PM

Not exactly, but the idea of a partner having the other's back has been on my mind a lot in R. I ALWAYS had my WW's back, on anything and everything. Always "us" against the world. I of course thought my efforts and loyalty was reciprocal. The As stripped me of this confidence. Compounding it was the fact that in the months prior to her supposedly first A activity I had a temporary health problem making me a less than ideal sexual partner for those months. It was just a few months, I mean, really? WW says it has nothing to do with her decision to A.

But there is no resolution, there is nothing she can say now, there is no guaranty or surety she can offer to assuage my fear that if I ever need her she will be there for me. What if I'm not the alpha provider, not the alpha sexual partner, not the alpha emotional rock, what then? What I do know, is with just a few months off my game she was not supportive and betrayed me.

So these thoughts of "what if" as we age are legitimate concerns. But I don't have an answer, just like the OP, just questions and doubt.

thatbpguy posted 4/15/2021 13:18 PM

36, maybe anticipate this a bit and set yourself up just in case. Work out a backup plan and a few contingency options.

asc1226 posted 4/15/2021 13:25 PM

Itís also disturbing for me as a very independent person to imagine being dependent on anybody, including, and maybe especially, my FWW.

So surrender as little of your independence as possible. As mentioned on your other thread start researching apps and computer technology for the blind now, as well as physical aides and training. Everyday apps like uber and delivery services will help you get around and shop.

dogcopter posted 4/15/2021 13:49 PM

aww, I am so sorry this is happening to you.

HalfTime2017 posted 4/15/2021 14:06 PM

36, again, I"m sorry you're dealing with this. Such a scary thing to have to deal with.

I can share that I definitely took into account if I felt like the WW was going to have my back in health or sickness. When we get married, its SO EASY to say yes in sickness and in health. In fact, a year or so prior to her cheating, I felt like damn, I'm not sure if I could count on her if something happened to me. Little did I know she was going to have an affair, but I already felt like maybe I wouldnt be able to count on her.

Another way I looked at this was, okay, say if I die, how quickly will my spouse get over me and be on to the next guy. I actually asked her this and she said that she'd probably wait out some time and wait to heal. This was absolute horseshit since she cheated on me while I was still alive. She has very little honor, and she did not have my back fully.

She was not my ride or die. NOw, I'm going to be making sure that I have a ride or die. I would have a very difficult time as well if in your shoes. YOu can't really trust her fully, and that sucks.

Since you're dealing with a fWW, I'd still suggest that you get some things handled now, like your will and estate..... Things that you want to make sure goes down like you want it to prior to losing total sight. Sorry about your situation, but better to be prepared, than to be lost at a later date.

36yearsgone posted 4/19/2021 10:40 AM

I am so independent it is difficult for me to contemplate a back up plan for my current situation. Stupid, I know. IN business, I always had contingencies. But blindness is not something I have really dealt with before.

The thought of hiring help is a bit of a trigger for me. For those who know my story you may recall that my FWW's POSOM was a caregiver who worked with her. When I had a heart problem years ago he was trying to get her to have him as my caregiver. Of course his plan was to get in close enough to kill me.

It's thoughts like the above that really trigger me as I think about the current situation.

Catwoman posted 4/19/2021 11:01 AM

I think as you process this, you will see that getting out ahead of things, as you are doing, IS being independent.

I can relate to your feelings. I have similar ones.

Cat

36yearsgone posted 4/22/2021 10:01 AM

Cat:

Thanks.

Westway posted 4/22/2021 10:34 AM

I think your fears are very founded. You need to independently prepare yourself for the worst contingencies and have a contingency in place in the probable event that your WW does bail on you, or worse, tries to take you for every cent you have.

Yeah... I wouldn't put it past her. Having read your story I don't trust your WW one bit. I think you were way too forgiving of her and I think she had more to do with the conspiracy against your life than you know or believe. But that is water under the bridge now. You chose to stay with her and you will have to deal with the ramifications of that choice.

My advice is to see a lawyer who can guide you advice as to ways to protect yourself in the event she tries anything nasty. Be proactive.

DragnHeart posted 4/22/2021 10:39 AM

Oh i know of anything happened to me wh would have me replaced in no time.

I fear getting covid and being in hospital laying there wondering who he is bringing into my home. He was seeing ow 1 & 2 while i was in hospital after having our first and second children...

I think its great that the technology is there to help extend the time you can drive. I still keep you in my thoughts and prayers that something can be done to restore your vision. Are you eligible for a cornea transplant (or whatever it is with eyes they can transplant)?

36yearsgone posted 4/22/2021 15:43 PM

Are you eligible for a cornea transplant (or whatever it is with eyes they can transplant)?

My problem is associated with my retinas. There are some new treatments available for damaged retinas using stem cells. I don't know if that treatment would be available for me. I'll find out more in late May.

sisoon posted 4/23/2021 11:13 AM

I don't mean to shock you with this advice: talk with your W. Get it out in the open.

My guess is that you will be able to maintain a lot of independence in familiar territory, where you r memory can keep track of where things are, pathways without obstacles, etc.

You can also count on taxi-type services to get you to places outside your home. If you use the white cane, you'll probably attract helpers when you're out, though you may have to tell them what help you need. (Some will ask what you need. Sometimes what you need will be obvious.)

If you talk with your W now and find out she won't stick around, you'll know, and you'll be able to make plans.

Shehawk posted 4/23/2021 12:09 PM

I just wanted to say that I am sorry you have the WW layered on top of something that is hard like this too.

I urge you to protect yourself and get help outside your marriage to cope and adjust to your life changes.

I was cheated on while life threateningly sick after staying with my husband for TWO DECADES after he was in a terrible life changing not his fault accident. He cheated before his accident (I found out after and he promised to be a safe partner). He cheated when I was sick. Who knows when else.

I have previously had visual issues with my illness. I had to rely on friends, wh (which he told me was a factor in his cheating ), and public transportation/ride apps. What I can tell you is that I and lots of other people in this group would treat a person with dignity, compassion and respect if they had a need like assistance with vision tasks. If you were my neighbor or co worker then we would ask you what we could do to help.

What I can also tell you is that my wh did not treat me with dignity and compassion and respect even I was sick. He made fun of me and chatted up one ap I know while I was at the doctor's office for an important appointment. Like he couldn't even wait and say a little prayer for me or even something neutral like play candy crush on his phone or something..

Sending positive thoughts and ((virtual hugs)).

Darkness Falls posted 4/23/2021 13:19 PM

If you talk with your W now and find out she won't stick around, you'll know, and you'll be able to make plans.

Ok, but come on, itís not like a person is actually going to come out and say that, or even imply it.

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 1:19 PM, April 23rd (Friday)]

sisoon posted 4/24/2021 10:39 AM

An honest person would. Also, one can evaluate answers in terms of probabilities. Also, talking can help strengthen bonds and make the difference between committed and begrudging help.

36, How is your W behaving now?

Here's what I'm getting at - almost 5 years after d-day, my mom fell and had to move from her apartment to assisted living. My W didn't ask what help I needed. She simply pitched in and did what she saw needed to be done. No muss, no fuss - she just did it. She helped navigate the system. She was invaluable. She did this even while my mom was less than nice to her. Her behavior helping my mom gave me confidence that she was truly back as a partner.

Is your W pitching in to prepare for your blindness? Do you have a sense of a joint struggle, or are you on your own?

humantrampoline posted 4/24/2021 10:58 AM

36yearsgone,

I'm sorry with what you're going through. I have read your story and understand why any in home help would be triggering. In general, the thought of in-home help for any of my love ones has always made me a bit uncomfortable.

I agree with sisoon about discussing it with your WS. If I were you, I would discuss it with others in my support circle - family, friends, neighbors, church or fellowship. Personally, I know I would look forward to an honest discussion if it were someone I knew. Your WS' reaction can give plenty of clues to her thoughts.

Definitely I would try to do whatever I could to prepare as others have suggested. There might be places in your home that could be modified to accommodate your condition.

My friend's mother went through a lengthy decent into blindness - macular degeneration, I think. As I recall, there were societies or groups that had resources. One of her hobbies was reading, and there was one group that gave free audible books. There were also resources for equipping her computer and transportation.

I wish you the best with this journey.

36yearsgone posted 4/26/2021 11:41 AM

Is your W pitching in to prepare for your blindness? Do you have a sense of a joint struggle, or are you on your own?

I would say she is pseudo-sympathetic. She has been approaching me with lately with things to read or look at, asking me to respond. This is increasingly frustrating for me as I can't see well enough on most days to respond.

I give her credit for changing many things in her life that previously caused me concern. That's all good, but lately she has been the persona of the blonde stereotype. Basically clueless.

Ladies, I don't mean to insult any of you by mentioning "the blonde stereotype." But once in a while a stereotype fits.

I am thinking I will probably be on my own.

humantrampoline posted 4/26/2021 12:02 PM

36yearsgone,

Well, ok. That's a response and a message from your fWW. You know where you stand with her. You know her limits of overall understanding and empathy. You can move forward from that point.

You can investigate other sources of support. You can do whatever is possible to insure you have a suitable level of independence physically and financially in the future.

It's a start. You will still have every bit of your senses and mental capability other than your sight.

Damn, this sucks. I wish you the best.


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