SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She has kids. Maybe her husband does, maybe not.

This is wicked :-)

I found a very explicit text on his phone whilst we were on our yearly family vacation. We were three days away from going home, and I somehow managed to pretend that everything was fine, for the kids' benefit. It finally caught up with me at the airport and I cried the whole flight back...all 11 hours of it

I wish I would have caught him while it was active. Oh well.

D-day I immediately left and stayed with my sister for a week. If I could go back, I would have stayed gone longer. My situation didn’t require a pick me dance of any sorts, and he started groveling immediately. I do wish I would have held his feet to the fire more while he was desperate. I was in so much shock, I needed time to process and ask questions. More than anything, I wish I wouldn’t have had him delete his Snapchat. So much I could have learned from that POS app that is now gone forever.

OMG Karma I would do the same. Did he know why you were crying?

I went scorched earth myself. We even showed up at OW's house. She wasn't there so we informed her BS.

They're now divorced and he told me to butt out initially. Probably discovered more of her lies.

Oh man, do I wish I had the insight of SI BEFORE D Day. On D Day, I first discovered some sexting. I blew a cork. The trickle truth started. I started digging and little by little the "other" stuff came to light.

If I had been able to arm myself with SI's wisdom on the matter, I'd have done a lot of things different.

It's all water under the bridge now, two years later. But yes, I would have done things different now, than how I handled it back then.

OMG Karma I would do the same. Did he know why you were crying?

Yup. I confronted him with the text but he told me I was being crazy. My 2 y/o was sitting between us on the plane and I kept looking at him and thinking, he’s going to grow up without a dad and that made me cry even more. I seemed to have boundless reserves of tears

I wish that I had been better equipped to handle the betrayal better. There are some things I regret doing and saying. There are some things that I think I did right (such as finding this site). I think if I'd had some better coping mechanisms I might not have become as thoroughly unhinged as I became.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 4:10 PM, April 15th (Thursday)]

Unfortunately.I have a talent for attracting cheaters.So that being said I have had a lot of D days.Haven't handled most of them well except one.I was in bed. He was sleeping beside me.I looked at his phone and discovered the texts.I also found other things prior to this in my apartment such as a bra,a belt,a wad of gum on the dashboard of my car in the passengers side after he borrowed it...but...this time I was zen.I was ready and in true ninja mode.He woke up that morning and I was next to him.I said calmly stroking his hair"You need to leave today.It's over." He laid there in shock for a minute.I said "I know you are seeing someone else and it's over for us.You have to leave today."Mind you I was so calm I didn't recognize myself.He kept tripping up and saying things like "I'm just confused.I am in love with two women!Bla,Bla,Bla." My response was very detached like "Mhmm..and here's the door.Good luck."I slept so good the following night.Woke up with birds chirping outside my window and all that lovely cinderella sh*t.I don't know if I finally reached a point where I learned to cut it off like a gangrenous limb or if I finally was just so broken.Each person I dated that showed any potential of being wayward I would cut off like a benign tumor that had the potential to kill me.I thought for serious that my ability to be truly intimate was crushed and destroyed completely but now I see it as me finally growing the f*"k up and handling my sh*t.I am happily married and for some time now.Sailor mouth and all.Learned what it meant to erect boundaries and do so now freely with people.

That's great, Bonetired.

I truly would not like to be in the shoes of someone saying, 'I'm in love with 2 women,' and hearing you say, in a nice voice,'Mhmm...and here's the door.'

Well...pretty sure I was really crazy by that point.When you experience that level of pain so much after awhile it exhausts your body to the point you don't feel.I could have been in shock.It reminds me of when I used to run long distances and the endorphins that take over.

You are my hero Bone tired...

Oh dogkopter you gonna make me cry.I have seen you on this and weird thing is I feel like I can connect with all of you even though we haven't met.I have gone through IC but my defense mechanism of detaching kicks in full gear and I shut em out.This has actually been the safest place to explore my damage without feeling too vulnerable.You guys are awesome,amazing people who deserve better in this f'd up world.I sincerely mean that.Sorry I will stop now.No stealing threads.

I'm glad Bonetired. I do feel the same way; each story resonates with me and gives validation to all the garbage that I've gone through ALONE for years.

Case in point: I would have done exactly what Karmafan would have done on her family trip and tried to consume the poison i saw on my spouses phone.

I wish I had shown her the door when it happened, but no that's not how I reacted. I got a god damned card and wrote in it assurances that we were going to work through it.

... also I am really sorry that you had to go through it enough to know what was the right reaction :(

Yes Bonetired! The shock after a betrayal is a physical manifestation that seeds itself in your body and may take years to root out. After D Day I too was in shock. Truly numb and barely functioning, floating alone at the bottom of a swimming pool looking up at the world on the other side of the water's surface. It took a couple of months to get angry, to come to grips with my new reality. To insist he break it off with her. To make it clear I was willing to end our marriage. During those early weeks I didn't know what to say or do. I didn't pick me dance. Trying to survive at the bottom of a swimming pool didn't leave me energy to do much of anything besides tread water.

I couldn't believe he was doing this to Daughter and I. We were transported to an alternate world where my supposedly honest husband morphed into an evil alter ego. Anyone who has seen the Star Trek episode where Kirk finds himself in another dimension where Spock has a beard understands what I'm describing. The ethical rules of behavior I believed in, and upon which I thought our marriage was based, obviously weren't shared by the evil alter ego husband inhabiting this unfamiliar shadow world. How was I supposed to behave in this bizarro world where my life partner lied and cheated? D Day was bad enough, but his trickle truth attempts were so patently absurd the continued lying enhanced my disassociation from reality. He can't really be saying these lies to my face and expect me to believe them? Really?? Those two months of his ridiculous lying, gas lighting and blame shifting made me even more ill. And gave him space to take a "fishing trip alone" to "clear my head" (4 day slumber party in AP's home) that sealed the deal on my PTSD.

I wish I'd been able to say to him much sooner "I will be okay without you" AND MEANT IT when I said it half heartedly earlier on. The truth came out only after he realized he could lose me. He took his head out of his ass and stopped rewriting marital history only after I was calm, articulate and ready to walk away. Returning to reality was the necessary first step for me to take charge of my well being, and for him to take responsibility for his choices and clean up the mess he'd made. Maybe the severity of my PTSD could have been mitigated if I'd come to that crucial decision earlier and did a better job communicating it sooner.

One thing I can say with certainty is this - there will NOT be a second D Day. Never again will I put up with such treatment. While I miss the old trusting me, I don't miss the shit sandwiches I was willing to eat to maintain the status quo in our marriage. Any self-entitled behavior or devaluing attitude from him and I am out of here. Our newly rebuilt marriage based on open, honest communication and mutual respect is the only version of our marriage I'm willing to participate in.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 12:32 PM, June 11th (Friday)]

No, I have absolutely no regrets in how I handled D-day and after D-day.

I was gutted, physically sick to my stomach, but I managed to ask many questions about the affair which he answered.

When I found out his affair was with the woman he invited to a supper at our house, when I had no idea of what was going on, I told him to leave and go live with her. I remember saying to him "should you decide not to leave and take the guest bedroom, I will make your life worse than hell."

He left with the shirt on his back.

Over the next few days the rage kicked in hard. I got a therapist right away.

We stayed separated for three months. Minimal contact for home maintenance stuff, separation of assets etc.

I was already scarred when that situation I mentioned happened.I was divorced and I believe this was a relationship after that.Something in me just goes nope,nope,nope whenever I met a cheater after that.

It’s like a soldier going into battle for the first time. If you get through it the first time, your second time will be different.

Sounds like it took a few times to get it right, but you have "fixed your picker" as they say. You weren't broken, you were a scarred veteran who'd survived many battles. Your self preservation kicked in and you showed him the door. Brava!

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 4:33 PM, April 17th (Saturday)]

Hindsight...

I wished I had gotten the restraining order against my Stbxwh and AP and Co. and anyone associated with the A. Some had sent me quite specific threats.

I waited too long to seek help from Authorities.

Things would be so different now.

Tell me something

Why don’t Cheaters agonize of possible discovery?

My WS didn’t

Until I found out

Then he was scared

Why don’t Cheaters agonize of possible discovery?

the exit A started before I had decided to leave and we were living apart by the time Dday came around.

WH wanted me to discover the A before I had moved. The A was my punishment for withdrawing from the marriage.

Wh hoped that I would be devastated by A.

It went like this... WH had befriended lots of women on FB. Most “sluts” from his gym. One “slut” in particular came to my attention as she dared Like and ❤️ a photo of our daughter. I told WH to keep his ugly sluts away from my children. WH then declared, “that’s my girlfriend”.

I asked “the ugly old one? What you couldn’t find a pretty young one?”

My response took the shine off the Turd WH called his GF... the A ended soon after...

Cheaters know that once dday comes around, everything changes.