crazyblindsided posted 4/13/2021 14:52 PM

It is unbelievable to me that my ExWS is STILL lashing out and blaming me for leaving the M. He is blaming me for his perception of how he is losing the kids (we have 50/50 plan so not sure how he is losing the kids). Says he has less control with them having 2 different households. Thinks that my leaving the M did more damage than anything he did to me. I just can't

Unfortunately I responded to this because I'm tired of being blamed for this and I'm also dealing with my mom being hospitalized for a mental breakdown and suicide ideation at the same time. The timing of his rant couldn't have been more perfect.

He also is driving the kids crazy telling them that they don't help out around the house (they do because they tell me all the chores he makes them do) and that they never come out of their rooms to spend time with him and why is he keeping his house if they don't want to come out of their rooms When the kids got to my place they said it felt so happy and peaceful.

Ex makes everyone around him miserable while blaming everyone around him except himself it is truly mind boggling.

BearlyBreathing posted 4/13/2021 14:59 PM

CBS— I am sorry about your mom’s struggles and the stress that puts on you.

Your ex is truly a special snowflake. I thought of the old cartoon about “the beatings will continue until morale improves”.

DETACH DETACH DETACH.
Your mantra: “I’m sorry that you feel that way.”
Your mentor: The big gray rock

Take care of you and the kids and mom, and let him stew in the toxic mess he keeps stirring up.

ZenMumWalking posted 4/13/2021 16:58 PM

FTG!!!!!!!!

leafields posted 4/13/2021 17:47 PM

Sorry that your mom is having issues. Sending strength.

Of course, he's blaming you. Hasn't he always? It's easier than doing the work to figure out why he's broken inside.

Adira posted 4/13/2021 18:45 PM

cbs I'm so sorry about your mum & what's happening for you right now x

Says he has less control

and that they never come out of their rooms to spend time with him and why is he keeping his house if they don't want to come out of their rooms

sending you strength.

OwningItNow posted 4/13/2021 22:12 PM

A narc never stops blaming others. I expect that he will always blame you and show anger (in flashes), and that the kids will see through all of it and know that "dad has problems." This will be part of their story, and they will process his behavior and learn about it, seeing through it and seeing him as the true issue while he is blaming you. Kids are smart and figure all of this out.

Unless you plan on waking up and doing what he wants, he will blame you forever. I remember my former narc years ago. I did not realize that he was a narcissist and did that codependent thing where I reached out and blamed myself for something to keep the peace, hoping he'd jump in and own his own part. Instead he said, "See, this is all I wanted. You to apologize for what you did. Now we are better."

Yep, it was stupid because my error was 5% of what had caused our falling out, but in his mind, I was completely to blame. And it never, ever changed.

Try to detach. I know it's hard. I don't understand why we so badly want them to change and grow up, even for themselves. But it never happens. It's really very sad.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 10:14 PM, April 13th (Tuesday)]

AnnieOakley posted 4/14/2021 00:12 AM

I don’t have any experience with what you are going thru so I echo Zen’s comments. Which was my literal and immediate thought about 20 words in.

I hope your children are soon able to clearly express/decline their time at his house rather than hiding in their rooms.

Peace ☮️

ArkLaMiss posted 4/14/2021 01:34 AM

Let go or be dragged! Seriously.

homewrecked2011 posted 4/14/2021 07:10 AM

I believe he’s pulling this crap now bc he thinks you will jump in to save the day—as in moving back in. You know it’s a trick. Keep pushing thru this. Let your children see who you are without the dead weight of their Dad around. I realized once my xh moved out that my kids didn’t know the real me!!

My xh and OW bought a big house bc in their delusional minds they thought both sets of kids would want to live with them. Everyone moved out ASAP. They r now blaming all the kids bc they are now “forced” to downsize. All the kids-hers and our-stay far away from the chaos now.

Ask ur atty when/how your children can stop going to their Dads.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 7:12 AM, April 14th (Wednesday)]

EvenKeel posted 4/14/2021 07:35 AM

Ex is still blaming me 7 months later

My ex did that stuff with the chores as well. My DD called me one day with a horrible migraine crying to come home. I said "I am on my way"....she said I am not allowed to leave until I scrub down the front porch.

You can't control what happens at his place (nor should you try too). Just keep making your home their safe zone. Your kiddos are older and your ex is going to have to deal with what he causes.

In the interim, you work on detaching and not responding unless necessary. And even when it is necessary, do not respond instantly. Give yourself some time to digest and come up with a safe response.

The further out you get, the easier that will become.

Hang in there.

skeetermooch posted 4/14/2021 09:49 AM

CBS,
So sorry about your mom.

Your ex just doesn't like consequences. Yep, now he has to parent all by himself and he sounds kinda clueless so the kids aren't the little soldiers/house cleaners/besties he was hoping for.

The blaming never ends for me either - they are eternal victims.

DevastatedDee posted 4/14/2021 09:49 AM

Girl, if he lives to be 80 he will still be spouting about how it was all your fault. If he were capable of taking responsibility for his own actions he'd be a whole new human and I doubt that's gonna happen to him.

crazyblindsided posted 4/14/2021 12:35 PM

Yep back on the NC horse unless it is some kind of emergency with the kids. At least it didn't set me back this time. It was more or less a nuisance. He deserves one big eyeroll for his performance

EllieKMAS posted 4/14/2021 15:55 PM

Shiiiiit girl - my narc dad cheated on my mom in the early 80's, married the OW (they're still married), had three kids with her, and still blames my mom for everything 'wrong' in his life

Narcs are boringly predictable in that nothing is EVER their fault and all things are always about them.

Let him do his temper-tantruming and being ridiculous. He will always be a miserable dickhole, and that is NOT on you.

barcher144 posted 4/14/2021 19:57 PM

CBS... can we introduce your xWH to my xWW? Maybe we can make a reality TV show out of it and make some serious cash?

As you know, you need to detach and go back to being a grey rock. Still, thank you for the vent... I find it helpful to know that I am not the only dealing with this type of crap.

Last week, Thursday, I was banned from pulling into her driveway during kid-drop-off.

On Friday, she told me that I was not thinking of the kids when I told her that she would have to pick up our son next week at 8am on Friday, per the parenting plan. She had a lot of anger and vitriol and claimed that I wasn't thinking of the kids... but as far as I can tell, the kids are not going to be affected... she's just going to have to wake up early to come get him.

And the answer to your question is that he will never stop blaming you. If he were to stop blaming you... he might think that it was all his fault... and that's not allowed.

He's a sick, sick, human being who has experienced horrible trauma in his life such that he acts this way. You can pity him... but sure as hell don't talk to him if you can help it.

homewrecked2011 posted 4/14/2021 21:09 PM

My xh tries to get me to argue with him by making it about the kids. 😢 it’s the one place he knows it will hurt and I will try to make their lives easier.

But now they are 24 and 21 so they drive themselves to Dads and leave when he starts his BS.

OwningItNow posted 4/14/2021 22:45 PM

Think about how hard it is to look at our faults, admit our mistakes, apologize. Think of how ashamed or guilty we feel. Think of how uncomfortable it is and how we hope to not do this again. Your WS is too weak to handle any of this. He is a weak, broken, fragile, feeble man. It is only you, Crazyblindsided, that has the power to tackle life and its difficulties head on. You are the strong one. His anger is merely a jealous tantrum.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 4:49 AM, April 15th (Thursday)]

somejaykid posted 4/15/2021 06:54 AM

first of all op I'm sorry about your mom hope she get's the help she needed. as for your x fuck that person he need's to understand that he is the only one to blame for all of this shit he put upon the family. ignore his dumbass and you do you. that's not your problem anymore let him lay on his own shit

Cheatee posted 4/15/2021 07:57 AM

CBS,

I have a similar story.

If there's any way to focus on the absurd hilarity of such crazy projection, it'll help you detach. My ex blames me for focusing on my pain instead of her "cry for help," as she now refers to her affair and subsequent abusive behavior.

With my distance of five years, I can honestly hear that shit through the grapevine, chuckle and remind myself that I'm out of the craziness that she'll likely be stuck in forever.

The kid poisoning is hardest to deal with. Just trust that they'll come to understand what really went down and who each of their parents really is.

Mari104 posted 4/15/2021 09:35 AM

He left the marriage the moment he made the choice to enter into the A. The keen difference here is that he HAD a choice to have an A or not. You did not have a choice to be disrespected, humiliated and destroyed. I think this is a very important fact most WSs do not understand. It is our lives, yet they feel the entitlement to make such life alternating decisions without us and then when they are faced with the consequences, can't seem to handle the reality of things.

My STBWXH still does not take full responsibility for all the crappy things he did to our kids and I over the last 4-5 years. It is unreal. He is literally about to lose his relationship with our daughter and still acts like the way she feels is her fault, not his. (She is now 13.) I will be posting something about what happened recently between them in hopes that it could help people on this forum understand that a narcissist will never take full responsibility for their actions. They are not built that way. If something is going to negativately impact their ego, they will find every possible outlet to not have that happen. Even with their own children.

[This message edited by Mari104 at 1:22 PM, April 15th (Thursday)]