Newest Member: Maifurrypurt

Just Found Out :
Still battling on.

Topic is Sleeping.
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Wanttobebetter ( member #72484) posted at 3:13 PM on Monday, March 15th, 2021

OP, you mentioned your WW being indecisive in more than one occasion. I think the indecisive person is you, not her. Sorry to be blunt. She has shown what type of person she is time and again. She wants the stability of a marriage and the thrill of the side action. Sadly, you are allowing her to treat you like an emotional yo-yo. She isn't indecisive at all. She has decided long ago that she wants stability of a marriage and the thrill of the side action.

Given all of what has happened, why is her decision has so much bearing on what your decision be? Stand up for yourself and tell her you are done being her emotional tempon.

Best of luck.

posts: 139   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
id 8641905
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 3:16 PM on Monday, March 15th, 2021

I need to figure how much more time I am willing to live like this because I am totally exhausted.

Start the D. That will give both of you more clarity of where you are headed. If that doesn't get you out of the limbo in which you currently are, nothing will. D is something that can be stopped at anytime before you come in front of the judge.

posts: 748   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8641906
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 3:16 PM on Monday, March 15th, 2021

Last Monday I got my second vaccine shot and by Wednesday felt like I had been let out of jail. That’s going to happen to you. Once she’s gone you will wake up one day free. This life you have lived has been you dragging all that weight behind with no place to go. When she leaves so does the weight. If you are a kind, decent person who has tried to be the best you can then your sentence has been served. Have a great new life!!!

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2913   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8641907
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 3:38 PM on Monday, March 15th, 2021

She has bounced back between myself and AP for the last year and I am exhausted.

There is your answer.

It comes down to this: Do you want to live like this for another day?

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10556   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8641916
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Westway ( member #71747) posted at 4:16 PM on Monday, March 15th, 2021

Doing the pick me dance for her is exhausting isn't it? Thing is... you lost the dance contest long ago. You are an abuse victim allowing yourself to be abused by an abuser. Only you can stop it, and the only way you do that is to decide that you value yourself more than you value this sham of a relationship you are in.

Me: 52;

XWW: 50 y.o. serial cheater

Married 22 years, Together 24
2 Daughters: aged 16 and 20
DDay: 9/20/19
Divorced 12/03/20.

posts: 1366   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8641933
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asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 4:34 PM on Monday, March 15th, 2021

She has bounced back between myself and AP for the last year

As others have said, she has made her choice. As a matter of fact, she’s made it many, many times.

I am exhausted

I need to figure how much more time I am willing to live like this because I am totally exhausted.

I don’t know how much longer you can live like this, but I can tell you how much longer you will live like this. You’re going to be exhausted as long as she’s in your life. You can’t change her and she’s not interested in changing herself.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 370   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8641941
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 4:46 PM on Monday, March 15th, 2021

Define how you see marriage.

IWMWB – I’m not rushing you to a divorce. But it’s clear you aren’t where you want to be. I think if we can help you realize what you want and what you can get then we can help you find some peace.

MAYBE you will be OK with a polyamorous relationship with your wife? Its definitely not conventional and not something I personally would be into but what about you? If you were secure that your wife was with you when she’s with you but also know that next week from Thursday to Sunday she’s with her other “husband”. Like I said: not something for me but there are plenty of couples that seem OK with some sort of polyamorous arrangement. Its no longer infidelity if all parties are on board with the arrangement.

It really boils down to what you want and what you can accept.

It’s my view that often its best to be clear on what one thinks will make YOU happy and to stick to that. Like if you want a typical monogamous marriage then make that clear to your wife. Let her know that YOU aren’t happy with her infidelity and that each and every time she’s with him or her mind is on him it erodes whatever will or belief you might have that this is something you are willing to work at. That she’s perfectly entitled to choose between you two, but that her present indecision is pushing you to where you no longer believe in this marriage nor want this marriage.

You can be clear that you not wanting THIS marriage is not the same as not wanting HER. But rather emphasize that her terms for remaining with her are not acceptable.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8641946
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LightningCrashes ( member #70173) posted at 5:07 PM on Monday, March 15th, 2021

"If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."

These are words from a song by Rush. They make a powerful point. If sitting on the fence or going back and forth or being in limbo is what you or your partner are doing and you can't decide then you still have actually made a choice. You have made a choice to put up with it and to be okay with it. If she can't make up her mind what she wants to do or who she wants to be with then she is telling you that YOU ARE NOT THE ONE FOR HER. By her indecisiveness she still has made a choice.

I know it is tough to hear what all of us responders are saying but you are a trauma patient being abused by someone you love who is hurting you and you are allowing it. Most of us have been there including myself and so we can speak from heart-breaking experience. The better option is for you to make a choice not to put up with it and have enough self-respect to move on. Insist upon exclusive devotion from her as shown by her actions proving that YOU ARE HER ONE AND ONLY and she is committed to that course. Or you must make a stand and move on in order to start to heal and get out of this mess and be happy someday.

Here are some more words from that song by Rush:

"You can choose from phantom fears and kindness that can kill.

I will choose a path that's clear, I will choose free will!"

Free will is described as the ability to act at one's own discretion. Free will is the idea that humans have the ability to make their own choices and determine their own fate. You have that power. Stop allowing her to run the show and be in charge of your life and happiness. Only you are in charge of that. Make a decision to value and respect and love yourself enough to not put up with her lying and cheating and disrespect and indecisiveness any longer.

posts: 95   ·   registered: Mar. 28th, 2019
id 8641951
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 5:57 PM on Monday, March 15th, 2021

Warning, I think this is a 2X4...

Honest to God, these types of threads are the most difficult for me to read. I want to shout at my phone. If I were at a pub with you, I would give you a good talking to, but I can't do that here due to the rules without getting smacked, so I will say this.

You did not choose your WW's infidelity, but you are certainly the author of your own misery. It's almost like there us a part of you that feels comfortable with the abuse on a subconscious level. You thrust your hand into the fire and complain about the burn, while refusing to pull it out. Everyone here, to the person, is screaming af you to pull it out because they actually care what happens to you. Think about that. A shitload of anonymous internet posters are more concerned about you than the woman who made vows to you! There is a universe of difference between the right word and almost the right word, and the right word is dithering. You are dithering and you need to stop. Stop worrying about making the right choice. All it does is ensure you remake the wrong one.

You need to find a strong man, a friend or mentor who us not afraid to say what needs to be said to you, to walk through this with you. Iron sharpens iron, and you need some iron, like right now.

It's obvious, from your patterns of behavior, that you are stuck in a relational feedback loop. Shit happens, you ask for and get great advice, thank members for it using just the right phrases and platitudes, and do exactly the opposite. Then come back and begin the process again.

You need to ask yourself why you are seeking advice? Is it because you really want it or is it an attempt to check off a box, so you can convince yourself you are doing something proactive?

Listen, I'm a no bullshit kinda guy. I have had the same talk with every boss and IC I've ever had. I've told them to dispense with the fluffy bullshit and tell it to me straight. I won't melt if you tell me im being an asshole and I royally screwed up. I will look at myself and make the necessary adjustments.

Please, please, please do something to get yourself out of this!

Me:53STBXWW:51DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

posts: 1110   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8641963
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newlife03 ( member #56527) posted at 6:41 PM on Monday, March 15th, 2021

One one hand I want my marriage to be saved and for us to work at it and hopefully have a renewed marriage by the end of it, however on the other hand I know that a marriage takes two and right now with her indecisiveness she is not invested. If she truly is undecided I don't want to push her one way

She is not undecided at all. She has decided she does not want you. If she truly wanted you she would not be indecisive about it. At all. I'm sorry, but she is still playing on your emotions. and, your fear of pushing her one way is just that, YOUR FEAR. She will go in the direction that she chooses for herself, so you really need to start choosing for yourself.

Me - 50
Kids 25, 22, 18
1st DDay in 2006, 2nd in 2007
D in 2009
Happily Committed to SO since 2011

posts: 657   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: ID
id 8641978
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BindassBP ( member #75283) posted at 3:09 AM on Tuesday, March 16th, 2021

Don't you think her indecisiveness means something? And only you think she is indecisive. But she has shown you many many times what she wants. Still you can't understand.

And honestly I think you are the one who is indecisive.

Currently you don't have a marriage. What we have here is a cheater who still doesn't know what she wants and a dancer.

You are the one keeping yourself in this situation not her.

posts: 72   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2020
id 8642075
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 3:34 AM on Tuesday, March 16th, 2021

She has already made her decision.

You are a safe haven. She takes shelter in you when she has problems with him, but her returns to him are not due to her problems with you. This is not indecisiveness.

posts: 481   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8642077
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WalkingHome ( member #72857) posted at 3:35 PM on Tuesday, March 16th, 2021

Know when to say when. Make the decision, stick with it, and get on with life. You are only alive for a finite time...spend it with someone who loves you and treats you right.

posts: 216   ·   registered: Feb. 19th, 2020   ·   location: USA
id 8642154
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 5:08 PM on Tuesday, March 16th, 2021

There is a certain advantage in her uncertainness.

If she was so totally smitten by OM then why isn’t she with him? What’s preventing her from being there? Is there any logical reason for why she hasn’t packed and moved in with him? Maybe the scales aren’t as tipped in his favor as you think.

I encourage you to take a firmer stance and be unafraid to push the issue:

Wife: I want to reconcile but realize I can’t do that while you still keep in any form of contact with OM. You are totally free to chose him and be with him, but not as my wife. It’s YOUR CALL but my belief in us reconciling and being husband and wife diminishes by the minute. If you tell me you want him then fine, it’s not what I want to hear but it might be what I NEED to hear. We can the start the formal process of terminating our marriage. If you want me, well… then you need to cut him 100% off and we need to sit down and formulate a plan on how we work at reconciling.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8642187
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annanew ( member #43693) posted at 5:33 PM on Tuesday, March 16th, 2021

This is going to sound crazy, but I think you should do some surveillance. Get into her phone and email.

You already know she is cheating, this is not about that. You are stuck because you still believe what she says, and you still believe in her as a person.

You need to see it in black and white. While she is telling you she is uncertain, she is cooing to the OM and telling him how excited she is to be with him... I can nearly guarantee it. You need to see her cruelty for yourself, in order to believe it.

You may think the past year is the worst case scenario but it's not. Suppose you file for divorce. Your wife/stbx is the type that will kick into gear when you file and make a big show of winning you back... and then when you go for it, after things settle, she will be right back to her tricks. This could take several years to play out. You think you are beat up now, you will be disillusioned in a way you might not expect. Don't let it happen.

You seem like a person with a sweet heart. Don't let it be torn to shreds. A good person is out there who deserves the sweetness. You are not currently with that person. You owe it to your future self to take a real look at who she is.

[This message edited by annanew at 11:34 AM, March 16th (Tuesday)]

Single mom to a sweet girl.

posts: 2440   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2014   ·   location: California
id 8642199
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siracha ( member #75132) posted at 5:44 PM on Tuesday, March 16th, 2021

My friend you are not battling on - you are jumping into the mouth of a predator . love is not an act of self deception much less lying to another . Love is two people holding themselves with dignity and interacting with each other with respect. Mirror opposite of your situation.

If this loser keeps conning you again and again its because you have set far too little value for your own life love or self. I hope you are in therapy , you need to learn how to develop better self protective instincts

posts: 538   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2020
id 8642206
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 IWMWB (original poster new member #74858) posted at 7:36 PM on Tuesday, March 16th, 2021

Nothing said here isn’t a total surprise to be honest there hasn’t been anything that’s been a 2 x 4 because it’s the moment I know I am the one keeping myself in this god awful situation, it’s the same situation I eventually had enough of that had me move out initially and get my own flat only to stupidly have been convinced she wanted to R.

I’ve asked myself the same question why doesn’t she just leave and be with him and I can tell you she did before, they got a flat together and after a month she ran out on him back to me.

Currently he lives with a family member so she can’t just move in with him right now and they where supposed to be looking for a flat but as far as I can see there hasn’t been much effort in finding a place. I found my flat fairly quickly and I had two dogs to take with me which left me with limited options but not sure why they can’t as it’s just they two.

The times she came back she told me things that made it sound like she’s never been sure she wanted to be with him BUT I take that all with a pinch of salt as it seems she is capable of saying anything to either side to secure her place.

I am not okay with a polyamorous relationship/marriage. The mental part here is she is absolutely convinced she’s not had or having an affair and the reason she comes up with that is because she only kissed or had sex with him after she told me it was over, I just don’t understand that. I do know she was texting him months before they hooked up and where flirting enough that colleagues noticed it. She’s twisted my head so fucking much that I started to think maybe this isn’t a affair as no sex until separation which I do believe. The more I looked at this it was an EA at the very least that turned physical, but we’re married so isn’t it always an affair in that case.

I really am getting to the point where I can see myself asking her to move out to her parents and I need space myself, perhaps that’s what she really wants it for me to fully end it so she doesn’t look like the bad thing because all she seems to care about is how she will look on this situation which is why she has made our marriage look horrible, I can assure it was far from but I guess she needs that justification.I really wished I had not moved back but at the same time I own this property and wanted to keep it.

posts: 37   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8642243
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brinbk ( member #75976) posted at 7:47 PM on Tuesday, March 16th, 2021

IWMWB, I will not (or try not to!) repeat what many others have said on this thread. I'll only add that, based on your latest comment, you seem to be somewhat concerned about how to label this relationship (affair, EA, etc.) - from my perspective, it doesn't matter what you (or anyone else) would call it. Is this a relationship that you are comfortable with your wife having? You've essentially said "no" so I'll take you at your word. And if you're not ok with it and can't control her actions, then yes it's time to focus on how to get yourself out of this uncomfortable situation. Everything else is secondary.

posts: 67   ·   registered: Dec. 7th, 2020
id 8642249
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BigNoob ( member #75807) posted at 8:29 PM on Tuesday, March 16th, 2021

Currently he lives with a family member so she can’t just move in with him right now and they where supposed to be looking for a flat but as far as I can see there hasn’t been much effort in finding a place. I found my flat fairly quickly and I had two dogs to take with me which left me with limited options but not sure why they can’t as it’s just they two.

She is trying to monkey branch to him but APs branch is wobbly. She is still holding on to the nice stable branch (you). Let her fall on the ground and hit the wall.

You have tried being her KISA for an entire year. Charging down the hill with your sword and shield, and she keeps running away to another man. What you have done for an entire year has not worked.

You have a choice now IMD your self respect/dignity, or your cheating wife that is still riding the carousel. As well as doing monkey double back flips to the AP praying he is a stable branch.

posts: 207   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2020
id 8642274
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fareast ( member #61555) posted at 10:44 PM on Tuesday, March 16th, 2021

IWMWB:

It doesn’t matter what mental or linguistic gymnastics she goes through to convince others she didn’t cheat. She cheated and is having an A while she is married to you. Period. She knows it. You know it. Take care of you and don’t sweat her attempts to convince the world her integrity is intact.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2799   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8642324
Topic is Sleeping.
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