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. . Then she drops this little nugget, well I don't think we should tell the kids about he affair as their friends will talk about them & their cheating Mom

Your wife is selfish. Do tell your kids why your getting a divorce age appropriate. "Mommy has a new boyfriend."

This is one reason I like time apart after finding out. She needs to determine if she she wants you and you need to do the same. Initially, I think that's easier if the couple separates for a month or so.

Thanks everyone for the comments, you are right there is nothing I could have done to prevent it. I really (in my mind) have not changed much since the day we met. Some grey hairs, maturity, & some lbs on the scale maybe but I have not changed my core personality. The thing that hurts the most is I have always treated her with love & respect, and provided everything she ever wanted but it just wasn't enough. I cannot fix her that is the hard part, she has painted me as the bad guy in her mind (IMO) to justify her actions and infidelity.

I told her the day after I found all this out:

-Who are you and what did you do with my wife?

-Did I treat you poorly, or ever treat you badly?

-How could you do this to the Father of your children you supposedly still love?

She had no answers to any of the above questions. She is not thinking clearly at all, and is only now just thinking about what the repercussions of her betrayal may be. The problem I am having now is trying juggle my current job & trying to find a new less toxic job environment. Deal with a sister who has cancer & a Mom with Alzheimers I am moving into a Memory Care unit at the end of the month. It is absolutely the worst time of my life and the person that I would lean on in this situation stuck a knife in my back.

Hugs bro....One day at a time. Life is not treating you well but I promise it will get better.

Based on what the VAR revealed, your WW is light years from being R material:

1) After her huge betrayal and being exposed, she still thinks of you in a negative way.

2) She is still pining for OM.

3) She seems to be getting her ducks in a row enlisting her sister's help in case of D (seems like she's considering pulling the plug herself and beat you to the punch).

4) Instead of being open and confessing to what you would find in the deleted texts, she is still afraid you will recover them (lying by omission).

5) Based on what she told her sister, if it weren't for the kids she'd be gone by now, she already broke your heart when she cheated so that part is already done.

6) She admitted the texts are so bad you would probably pull the plug the second you read them.

She's not even remorseful, she just regrets getting caught, based on what you posted, she's basically only considering staying in the M to save her reputation and lifestyle but she would rather still be with OM. Don't be anybody's plan B, I honestly don't know how you comeback from known that, yes it's possible but a daunting endeavor nonetheless, again she's not in it, her mind is somewhere else.

I suggest you file for D immediately, without warning to get the ball rolling and get out of infidelity, you can always stop it if she comes around, the VAR will most likely reveal if that is the case eventually and btw tell your kids about her A, they were certainly betrayed too and she didn't give a rat's ass about what they or their friends thought when she was banging her boyfriend, consequences help with remorse, no remorse, no chance to R successfully.

and is only now just thinking about what the repercussions of her betrayal may be

Ah yes, this is sooooo common. They never think about consequences while screwing around. They never think they will get caught and once caught and everything crashes down around them, all they can think about is saving their own hide. Very typical.

Sorry for the latest developments.

Your analyze is so true on the situation. You can't help someone who doesn't want it. She is in the affaire fog and lives with imagination, not reality. Some members say that NC will help wake her up, but i don't think so. Even if she push herself to stay in the marriage and do NC, her feelings would probably remain the same, even grow, cause there will be an unfinished love story and nothing to change her opinion about AP. Moreover, you will be seen as an obstacle to this. This may be the reason for her negative feelings about you, what else could be the reason, since she can't say anything bad about you even when she talks to her sister and friend? I think, for this fog to dissipate she must see something negative about AP's personality. As far as I have seen in many of the threads I read here, AP's attitudes such as not owning the relationship with WW, escaping, behaving selfishly, etc. make WW see reality faster. I think it will be useful if you can find anything negative about AP like this. The fact that he is not married or in any other relationship makes it difficult but any other information that may cause a negative impression will also work. Of course, telling this directly to WW can be counterproductive, but instead, it will be more effective to get it to understand without notice.

These are my thoughts on R process of course. After this stage, you may find it unnecessary to stay in the M, this is also very understandable. You are the honest, faithful and righteous one here. You owe her nothing. You can tell everyone what happened, including your children. You may have an amicable D and co-parent, but you don't have to stay friends with her. You should explain to her calmly, without showing any emotion like anger or sadness, that this will happen in case of D. I don't think the person making the wrong choice and selfishly ruins everything, deserves more than that, she must bear the consequences of what she does. This may make her see a little bit of reality, if that means anything to her of course.

I haven’t read your whole thread, but in my own personal case and many others here my ex demonized me in her mind to help justify her steps to engage in her affair. It’s common cheater behaviour...think of everything you can think of that you could possible resent about your husband/wife, and let that resentment define them and give you justification to cheat (there is no justification). It’s totally screwed up thinking obviously, and it’s a thought process often employed over time. Point being, that mindset isn’t undone in an instant. That resentment continues to limit their ability to feel otherwise, plus quite often there is a cowardice factor to own up to themselves that it’s entirely their fault and their choice to cheat from which they never emerge and do the work necessary for R.

All I’m saying is that her VAR recorded conversation with her sister is not that surprising or untypical, better than some, and on par with others.

Further, filing for divorce gets a very telling reaction. In my case she went nuts, angry as hell! How dare I divorce her, she’s going to take me for every penny she can get, take the kids, etc.. she totally had assumed that I would forgive her because, of course, she’s such a prize! Others here have had that same reaction to nonchalance, to disbelief, to fear and a I’ll do anything response! Again, point being that filing is a step, and the resultant actions are quite telling in terms of further understanding who you are truly dealing with.

CM70.

Sorry for the revelations you had to hear on the VAR. Her incredible dishonesty with you is just mind blowing. If you’re done and are settled on D, and haven’t recorded over the last revelation, I would play it for her and ask her why she can’t be honest with you after everything she’s done to you done. She should know that you know who she really is after all.

As far as telling the kids go, I think they are old enough to be told the truth. It doesn’t need to be brutal, just something like Mom’s got a new boyfriend, so I can’t stay married to her any longer. Also, the kids friends are only going to know if the kids tell them.

You may want to ask your WW once again what is on the missing texts. She if she is more forthcoming. Sounds like she would like to do so on some level. Just tell her let's cut to the chase and get this over with. Obviously, it's bad, so what is it?

MY therapist told me to tell the kids the truth. Otherwise they will blame you for the D. Your cheating wife would love that!

They don’t need details. Just the truth. “Your mom chose to have an affair and unfortunately our marriage has to end.” Prepare for the truth and be willing to answer questions. Tell them together - both in the same room so she cannot lie or create some “reason” why she cheated that blames you for all of it.

As far as I have seen in many of the threads I read here, AP's attitudes such as not owning the relationship with WW, escaping, behaving selfishly, etc. make WW see reality faster. I think it will be useful if you can find anything negative about AP like this.

I agree. Usually the negative would be if the MM had another on the side, but this guy, being single, can see all the single women he wants.

It's a toss up whether knowing she's in competition with a single woman would spur her towards a D or if she'd be more likely to throw in the towel.

I really wonder what the POSOM thinks of her. I wonder if he told her he'd wait. That's critical.

Please reread Buster’s last comment.

He has nailed it!!

Good luck and stay strong!

Although she cries for sympathy, she's not the victim of a unhappy marriage - you are.

It's typical for a cheater to be desperate to avoid public exposure (e.g., exposure to your kid's friend's parents).

When/if you have the talk with your kids, also have the talk with one of those parents. The parents will find out eventually and it's better coming straight up from you (maybe they can help your kids).

You don't have to be specific or use words like an affair. Just say she has a boyfriend and ID the OM.

When she told her sister she was unhappy in her marriage ... did the sister ask why?

If not, then you also picked up some useful insight into the sister.

The sister isn't helping your marriage or your wife. Never let her give advice to your kids.

Your wife doesn't need her sympathy she needs a kick in the ass. Instead, the sister (without asking your wife why) validated divorce if she's unhappy.

You have many life changes happening at the same time.

This is essential that you find moments when you look inside and find quiet and your own strength.

Outside is a storm. You are in the center. Think about what you know would be the best path. No regrets and no worry. Decide without fear. You can always make another choice later.

I remember one of the presidents said he had someone choose his suits and lunch for him so he could put his mental effort into the decisions that matter. It's true. We only have so much mental energy. Streamline what you can and don't worry about everything in the same day.

If you think that you are ready to move on then maybe no need to read painful text messages. They will play over and over in your mind. If you need them to leave her that's something different. Some people need to find the anger to make changes.

This can be a time of growth for you. Out of this pain will come changes and you can make them positive. Your life is not what you thought it would be but it can be really wonderful and so focus on that and do not feel defeated. Your kids will be learning how to be strong.

All I’m saying is that her VAR recorded conversation with her sister is not that surprising or untypical, better than some, and on par with others.

The above statement was by no means to lessen your pain or importance, but it is pretty accurate. Your WW is telling her sister this with the belief of total confidentiality and privacy, so you are getting unfiltered truth.

-Who are you and what did you do with my wife?

This is our million dollar question. And it is often discussed on this site. Often times we are told that this *new* person is the same person all along, and we never saw this....or ignored the signs....when we married. Then, when infidelity occurred, it is stated that their *mask* slipped---and revealed the true person. In some cases I may believe that, but in a long term marriage like your own, I tend to believe that the person you married, and who was a good wife for many years WAS the person that you always thought she was. But, unfortunately, due to several circumstances, poor choices, and changed/loosened boundaries, your wife was able to commit terrible atrocities on you and your children. I also believe that you and the children, then, were nothing but a mere afterthought...if even that. Everything was all about her, 100% of the time. Now, after her bubble has been burst(or at least has had some luster removed), it is more like 90% about her. Maybe over time, that percentage will drop even more. Maybe not.

What's more important than anything else at this time....in my opinion, is that you truly value and accept your worth.

--Are you worth MORE than how your wife values you?

--Will you let your wife know your worth?

--Will you take actions that will show that you will not accept less than your worth?

I would assume for many years of your marriage, you appreciated your wife's worth, and she appreciated yours. For whatever reasons not of your doing, she has devalued your worth, while falsely inflating her own. That balance needs to be restored to have any chance of moving forward together.

Oh. My last post likened her to acting like she was being pulled thru a keyhole. Didn’t expect absolute confirmation in 48 hours.

If I can say one thing, it is that you cannot reason with her or nice her into being sane. It just doesn’t work that way.

Instead of amicable talks, it’s time to have her move out inform everyone and begin the process. It is the only way she may begin to get it. Or she may run to om. Either way, you are acting rather than waiting and that cannot be bad for you.

Hard pill to swallow, but it’s where you are now.

Unfortunately she wants out, to be with AP. But doesn’t want to be the one making the call. Hence if you ask for D ‘please let’s not raise the infidelity as it will paint me WW) in a poor light’.

No she doesn’t want to R but is going through the motions to save face before she commits to D. She is mentally living with AP in unicorn fart land.

Tell all of her infidelity as well who the dog AP is and have her served. Simply she is just another cheater using her age to justify a flaw in her character.

One day at a time.

I add to the chorus of disclosure. I would add to disclose the name of the AP as well. The children should be told. They can be told in an age appropriate way. It is likely, even if not demonstratively evident, they know something unpleasant is going on. It seems that it's not uncommon that they can take on the burden of guilt for something they had no part of or responsibility for.

I also support the concept of filing for divorce. Where I live filing takes very little effort or cost. It is simply a statement to the court and to the WS that divorce is intended. I had to hire a process server to serve my XWW because where I am I couldn't serve her myself.

Because I lived with my XWW and had sex with her after finding out I was considered to have condoned the adultery. Had I not done so the divorce would have taken 90 days. I needed to be separated a year before actually divorcing. It still took over 2 years from when we separated until actually divorced.

You don't file and are divorced the next day. It takes time and the process can be stopped at anytime.

Correct: 90 days not 30.

[This message edited by steadychevy at 12:10 PM, January 12th (Tuesday)]