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Hand overs with the ex

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Justsomeguy posted 12/15/2020 19:06 PM

Don't know what to title this. I did the handover with the STBXWW yesterday. We have an arrangement that we pick up the girls on our week. I look forward to having my girls all week, though I do enjoy the me time as well. I know transition days can be hard, so I make comfort food on Sundays, most times a roast with mashed potatoes, gravy, and a nice salad. I want them to associate coming to my place with the smell of a nice meal waiting for them.

So I get to my STBXWW'S lair and she tosses the kids bags at me and says thank God its Sunday and she can get rid of the kids. She looks like hell as well. I guess the stress of this exciting single life has lost its sheen... Yup, it's no fun when you have to shoulder all the shit your husband did quietly in the background. Should have read the other side of the infidelity brochure.

Anyway, if that's not enough, she start sputtering about how hard she has it. I'm listening, the whole time thinking she has me confused with someone who gives a shit. Yes, I fully realize that she is baiting me, but 2.5 years of detoxing from her flaming dumpster of a life has taught me to grey rock quite effectively. I stood stone faced and told her that I'm sure she would figure it out, then packed up my kiddos went home and had roast.

My STBXWW just doesn't get it. She is destroying her relationship with the kids. Even the girls have commented that I'm always happy to get them, while mom is always happy to get rid of them. But again, not my monkey, not my circus. I got fired from that job. Looking forward now...

barcher144 posted 12/15/2020 20:12 PM

This sounds all too familiar.

This past summer, my STBXW complained how inconvenient it was for her to pick up our son from daycare to take them to her house for pickup. She literally complained about "doing me a favor."

I don't think that she appreciated it when I told her that she was merely doing what she promised when she signed our parenting agreement and that I would have been more than happy to pick him up at daycare (I live 30 miles from her house... it's merely another 1/2-mile to daycare).

Yeah, they're f'in crazy.

skeetermooch posted 12/15/2020 22:42 PM

Thank goodness your girls have you!! How it must suck for them being with that selfish train wreck. You grey rock like a boss.

J707 posted 12/16/2020 08:03 AM

Yup, it's no fun when you have to shoulder all the shit your husband did quietly in the background. Should have read the other side of the infidelity brochure.

Exactly! Once the rainbows fade away and the unicorns go into hibernation, boom, real life is still there. Imagine that.

One thing I remember was during our M, I did most of the cooking, all the laundry, dishes etc. So for me it was actually easier since my kids were gone half the time. When it was my turn to have the kids, house was clean, groceries were stocked, so we have our time together. It shouldn't be a chore or inconvenience to have your kids. But to some, it is unfortunately. The kids see all this too. Keep up the good work Guy!

TwoDozen posted 12/16/2020 08:18 AM

Should have read the other side of the infidelity brochure.

Sorry had to comment. Just to say I really enjoyed this phrase 👍 😂

homewrecked2011 posted 12/16/2020 19:49 PM

I think it’s awesome you have dinner ready for them. It shows someone truly care for them.
My now grown sons say that they really appreciate the effort I put into raising them and the support I gave for all their activities.

It’s great that you can gray rock so well and stay out of her train wreck of a life.

gmc94 posted 12/17/2020 00:31 AM

Should have read the other side of the infidelity brochure.
Good thing I didn't have a beverage when I read this - I've been known to aspirate at that kind of thing. Well done.

Tigersrule77 posted 12/17/2020 08:04 AM

You are definitely taking the right attack to this by ignoring it. It is interesting that your STBXWW can't realize that you are in the same situation as a single parent. You are handling it completely differently, but you have the same challenges.

For my XWW, she complained about how hard she had to work at her job and how little she was paid for it. As compared to spending your day with your kids, who love you and having your partner pay the bills. Darn.

SuperDaddy1027 posted 12/17/2020 10:44 AM

So I get to my STBXWW'S lair

This is funny. This is exactly what I call my XWW’s place. I even have it saved as “The Lair” in my GPS haha.

As most other people have commented I too get the sob story of how hard it is to be a single Mom, our kids acting out and not listening, she seems happy to get rid of kids etc. Just yesterday my XWW asked if I could drop the kids off after she got home (it was her day but I keep them on her days bc I’m still working from home) I simply said No, you can get them or they can just stay here just lmk what you plan to do. She begrudgingly picked them up 🙄.

Continue to grey rock. Continue to be a kick ass Dad. Basically just keep being you! As you said, her problems are not your problems. As long as kids are happy, safe and healthy. Good luck!

[This message edited by SuperDaddy1027 at 10:51 AM, December 17th (Thursday)]

HalfTime2017 posted 12/17/2020 13:23 PM

You are too kind to even lend a closed up ear to her. My exWW knows better than to complain to me which she has before. I don't respond at all, not even an acknowledgement. She gets it now, and has been trained. She knows I won't give her one moments time or thought, although she does try from time to time.

Its not surprising to me at all that these exes go from a family situation where everything was made easy for them, to now, realizing that all the extra work and duties that they have to pick up makes life a tad more difficult. But no matter, its your kids, you have to suck it up and be a parent. They are just too selfish to ever really be a great parent or partner, and therein lies the truth in this situation. We finally get to see them for who they are, and so do our kids. Our lives will improve once we get out from under them and the marriage, but they have a ton of work to do to become a better partner, parent and person. They have been hiding this whole time behind our goodwill and nature, and are now being exposed for the shits that they are.

I've found that my ex has been working hard to be a better parent, but make no mistake, she has aged in the past 3 yrs. Just saw her on a zoom call with the kids for a parent teacher conference, and outside the caked on make up, she looks aged. They gave up a great life and situation for what they thought was better, and we really are better off for it once you out of the tunnel.

99problems posted 12/17/2020 17:33 PM

I don't even get out of the car. Just kiss my kid goodbye, make sure someone lets her in the door, and hit the gas pedal.

There's so little chance of having to listen to this kind of shit that way. Or anything else.

Justsomeguy posted 12/17/2020 17:57 PM

That's a great point TigersRule. But then, everything has always been about her. If you were to tell her that you were sick, she would interrupt to tell you how sick she had been recently.

Outtatime posted 12/17/2020 22:25 PM

I just love the idea of the wonderful meal awaiting the kids everytime they get to dad's house (you cool if I borrow this idea?). They'll likely forever associate it to a very homely comfortable, safe and secure feeling provided by none other than dad!

What a contrast it must be for them given how you describe your stbxww's demeanor at the tail end of her tenure with the kids. You're obviously doing it right and have your priorities straight. You should be proud.

However, you must be concerned about the relationship between your stbxww and the kids. On one side you're right, not your circus anymore and you shouldn't give a shit - but on the other, your kids are living part of their lives there and you're seeing behaviour from stbxww that's not in their best interest.

You're (rightfully) putting your kids 1st, being selfless and proactively building comfort and memories for them. You expect the same level of quality parenting from the other side but you're seeing that's not happening - frustrating.

I think the only way thru is to keep doing what you're doing on your end. Parent the heck out of them and it will hopefully put pressure on her to step up her game someday.

I'm not far down this path but am facing similar things. I keep watch from a distance, and parent to the max. My son stopped using a pacifier with me, he learned to use the potty with me, I got him into underwear daily and got him to eat fruit and veg regularly. Everytime I just dropped off the kids with a "oh by the way, he can do this now...". My older daughter talks to me a lot so I find out a lot about her worries, concerns, things that are going on... I communicate these to my xww so she's aware. My daughter also brings a tablet back and forth so we can video chat. She's calling me regularly when at her mom's whereas when she's with me, the tablet rarely comes out of her bag. I don't rub all these things in xww's face but it's clear where the kids thrive. I have noticed this pushes xww to step up her game somewhat.

Set the parenting bar high, as you're doing. Your kids will thrive and maybe eventually and indirectly, it will motivate and push xww to step it up, stop whining about her predicament, and prioritize parenting the kids. Either way, you can rest easy knowing you're doing everything possible on your end and that truth will always shine through your kids...

Gottagetthrough posted 12/19/2020 13:17 PM

Yep! They dont realize all we do until its too late. My wh would ask me to keep the kids if his ow couldnt watch them

They would also go out on fate nights when they had custody. They had custody 6 nights a month. SIX. And they had to go out and leave the kids with a sitter some times

My oldest is in highschool now and remembers those days. She does not talk to her father unless absolutely necessary now.

Justsomeguy posted 12/20/2020 12:16 PM

Six nights and they couldn't stay home!?!? I stay home when kids are with me, with the exception if errands and working out. My daughter, even at 17, said she appreciates having me at home so she feels safe and comforted.

Something funny happened yesterday. My older daughter mentioned that I am the only one who doesn't make her feel responsible. She feels responsible for her sister and even for the mother, who downloads parental duties to her. But I make her feel safe and cared for. I must say that this comment made me feel like I haven't been a total failure as a dad. Sometimes I do as I had checked out on Dday.

Gottagetthrough posted 12/22/2020 12:04 PM

Six nights and they couldn't stay home!?!?

Yes. I couldn’t understand it either.

I must say that this comment made me feel like I haven't been a total failure as a dad. Sometimes I do as I had checked out on Dday

I feel like a failure, too. Its so hard to be at the top of your game when the other parent is making you be BOTH parents.

Our kids see we are trying and appreciate it.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 12:08 PM, December 22nd (Tuesday)]

src9043 posted 12/23/2020 19:35 PM

Would your daughters like to live with you full time? Maybe everyone could agree to that down the line. Your 17 year old certainly can make that choice soon if not now. My son ultimately decided to live with me full time once he reached 16. His mom didn't stop him. I was thrilled.

Alonelyagain posted 12/24/2020 09:04 AM

You may be better off minimizing any engagement with your STBXWW during hand overs. During the first 1.5 years after D, I would text my XWW and kids collectively that I was heading over to her place to get the kids. When I got there, I parked out front, stayed in my car and sent a text that I was outside. She would the send the kids out. For the past 6 months, DS17 has had his license and his own very used car, and he transports him and his two sisters back and forth. My communications with XWW have thankfully gone down to an all time minimum level!

Justsomeguy posted 12/24/2020 09:24 AM

My eldest daughter has expressed a desire to live with me after grad, but my youngest feels it would be unfair to her mom.

As for the pick ups, I could wait in the car, but I must admit that I get a small, guilty pleasure peeking through the open door and seeing her house in absolute disarray. She is a slob and epicly lazy, which was a bone of contention all through our M. Seeing that coupled with seeing her, serves to confirm the absolute correctness of my decision to D.

Phantasmagoria posted 12/24/2020 16:02 PM

Lair . I got a kick out of that, too.

My ex is also aging at a rapid rate. I have a hunch that every time she lies a wrinkle is born, so suffice to say they’re popping out like popcorn!

Unrepentant wayward’s are definitely the victims of infidelity, you only have to ask them!

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