SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don’t really post as much as I use too. I still come on here from time to time and read stories. I come back on because I wanted to make a post in a thread but see you can’t anymore. I did read somewhat of it but it was too long for me to read it all.

One of the reasons I don’t come on nearly as much is because my H and I have happily R and sometimes reading and posting is too hard for me. I feel like it takes me back to it all and reminds me of what I did and how painful it was for my H. My H don’t want to feel stuck in the past and I feel like this place makes me feel stuck in the past and don’t know how to get out of it.

I also feel like this website is a one size fits all. That there is this special handbook that everyone should follow but if they don’t they are wrong. Just because most or all here feel a certain way then it must be the right way. In today’s world people want to be heard by their voice but I feel like they think their voice is the most important one and how they think is the right way.

There is different kinds of pain in the world and how they become about. I have meet a few people who been cheated on by their ex spouses. The male BS told me his wife was having an affair with a really good friend of theirs. Asked for thousands of dollars of out him so he could get out of his “bad” marriage and start over. Little did this BS know it was a set up for his wife to get out also. He then when on to meet another women who was also cheated on and was beat to crap by a ex H.

A few years later her son had took his own life in their house and she had found him. Sadly she did pass way this year. I have talked to her and him about this and they both said to me they thought a cheating spouse was the hardest thing they would ever have to deal with but after the death of their child they didn’t actually know what pain really was. She told me that this way by far the hardest thing ever. You can heal and move on from infidelity but death of a child you really can’t.

I have read stories on here that most if not all would think different. And that’s ok. Everyone can feel different. But like I said just because most if not all on this website feels the same way about a certain thing then it must be the right way or it must be true.

I also want to talk about something that has been on my mind for a while. But just didn’t know how. Most people here don’t know what it’s like to actually to your spouse you cheated. I do. But by all means I am not saying I am better then who didn’t tell. The thing that makes me wonder about WS here who are so determined for others to tell and cast the first stone

who don’t my question is why didn’t you do that?

Maybe you didn’t have SI to tell you that? I didn’t have SI to tell my spouse I cheated. Most things are way easier said then actually done. It’s so easy for all of us to type out what we think is right to people we may never face in real life. Like I am doing now. I am sorry but for the people here that have such a strong opinions about something that you didn’t do in the first place should maybe give your two cents and then move on.

You don’t actually know how it really feels to look your spouse in the eye ON YOUR OWE without your spouse asking or have a feeling about it, and tell them what you did. It’s the hardest thing I had to do in my life to this day. You didn’t have the guts or maybe the balls to STOP and TELL your spouse the truth! Sorry if balls is a little too blunt but I seen way worse on here that was ok.

At the end of the day my choice to tell my spouse what I did was the right thing for me. I am not saying its right or wrong not tell your spouse. It was right for me. Yes we can tell people the consequences and yes they do know but that’s all we can do and just let them make that choice. And then maybe move on. I don’t think it’s fair (not going to use the word right) for people who didn’t actually make this choice on their own to keep shoving this STRONG opinion down someone’s throat who just didn’t have the nerve to do this in the first place.

It should not be an all size fits all. All stories are different and everyone’s path is different. We are all going to be on different pages in life when it comes to this. Just because you don’t agree that don’t mean that the other person is wrong.

Last thing. I have more respect for a person who actually stop on their own without someone telling them too or their spouse caught them then for some people who got caught and then all of suddenly this is the right thing to do and any other way is wrong. To me this leaves me to question would you have ever stopped on your own without your spousing catching you? Do you think you would have ever come to that point on your own? Or would you still be in your affair to this day? Because let’s face it lots of people keep doing because they can. That’s what I read on here they do it because they can and wanted too.

Some will agree and I guess some won’t with want I said. It’s not wrong or right. It’s just how I feel about it.... it’s my opinion. I have a feeling that some might think I am wrong and will tell me how I am wrong and that’s ok.

WS here who are so determined for others to tell and cast the first stone

who don’t

I would assume its because you are asking waywards who have done the work. Who know how important it is to be honest, to have integrity. And how important it is to give the BS free agency to make decisions based on the truth,and not a lie.

When you know better, you do better. They are simply trying to pass their hard earned knowledge on. Isnt that part of what this forum is all about?

do not use the death of a child. You spent the first part of your post telling us how one size doesn't fit all. Then proceed to tell us that you can't move past the death if the child but not infidelity. Ask me how I know?

have you lost a child?

Have you been a BS?

If my faith in people wasn't at it lowest already...this might have tipped me over. But eh....it's par for 2020.

I feel like you’re minimizing the pain of infidelity but saying, oh this and this would be worse than that. When people say it’s the hardest thing they’ve ever gone through it is based on what they’ve gone through. Their own personal experiences. For me, it IS the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. Why does it need to be a game of well this would be worse than that, so be thankful. That’s just dumb.

And sure, there’s the standard advice doled out here. Doesn’t mean that advice is wrong. It comes from a lot of collective years of experience from people who have been there done that.

Also, despite the fact that each situation is unique and has its own nuances, cheating is still wrong. Period.

prissy4lyfe I was talking from a point of view from a person who told me this. This was not my opinion but by someone who has been cheated on and lost a child. Maybe you read it wrong or missed that somewhere. No I have not been cheated on or lost a child. That’s why I didn’t say this was my opinion but by someone who told me that has gone through both.

I am not trying to make it sound like this or that might be worse Sorry if it come across that way. It don’t need to be a game and that’s not what I was trying to do.

Hellfire Everything you said makes sense. But it comes to a point where you can say what you want to a person on what they should do but if they don’t want too they are not going too. It’s like you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make the horse drink the water. If the horse don’t want to drink the water you can’t do nothing about it.

And sure, there’s the standard advice doled out here. Doesn’t mean that advice is wrong. It comes from a lot of collective years of experience from people who have been there done that.

But it doesn't mean its right for every situation

Also, despite the fact that each situation is unique and has its own nuances, cheating is still wrong. Period.

I didn't see anywhere in Godheals post where she was trying to defend cheating.

Godheals

I do get what you're trying to say. While folks may claim otherwise, many here think that there is only one path out of infidelity. A, B and C must happen in that order, no matter what.

Many will not even entertain the notion that their way isn't always the right one. Furthermore, they will continue to hammer a point despite knowing its unlikely to change anything. In fact, doing so will often have the opposite effect.

That mindset is certainly not limited to SI. It seems that we've become so polarized as a society that anyone who doesn't agree with us HAS to be wrong. Politics, religion, sexual orientation etc.

In my case, I may be dead wrong in not confessing but it doesn't feel that way in my situation I can at least admit that is a possibility. Do I think its right in every similar situation? Absolutely not.

The same argument can be made for R and D. In my personal opinion, I think most WS should be kicked to the curb. A BS has every right to do so; I mean short of murder, infidelity is the worst thing one partner can do to another. But there are some who are worthy of R; so who is right? Should ever BS immediately D and never look back or should all offer R right away?

There is no one size fits all and thats the point I think you were trying to drive home.

So because someone continues to make bad decisions, we are supposed to just drop it?

If your friend was abusing his wife,and you told him to stop,and he kept doing it,would you stop telling him he needs to stop abusing her? Would you look 5ge other way?

Because that is what is going on. Infidelity IS abuse. Not telling about the infidelity is abuse. It keeps the BS in the dark,takes away their agency, and is treating the BS as if they are an object. Everyone else knows but her. Its horrible.

People are going to continue to tell him to tell his wife,because she deserves the truth. He will continue to ignore us. We know that. We won't stop. He knows that.

We get BS all the time who show up,having just found out of an affair from years ago. Ive never,not once, read where one of them says its no big deal,because the WH worked on themselves and told an internet forum the truth. That they're happy that he was able to tell an internet forum the truth,while lying to her every day for over a decade.

We preach confession because its the right thing to do. For the BS AND the WS.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:48 PM, December 12th (Saturday)]

In my personal opinion, I think most WS should be kicked to the curb. A BS has every right to do so; I mean short of murder, infidelity is the worst thing one partner can do to another.

Hmmm. Then I suppose this doesn't apply when a BS has no idea that her spouse has done 'the worst thing one partner can do to another'. As a BS, I would argue that having one's reality deliberately manipulated with deceit is what makes infidelity such a delightful bit of mindfuckery. Just my opinion.

I may be dead wrong in not confessing

Yep. You're doing more damage than you can possibly comprehend.

In my personal opinion, I think most WS should be kicked to the curb. A BS has every right to do so; I mean short of murder, infidelity is the worst thing one partner can do to another.

But it’s ok as long as you don’t tell? Your opinion given your situation is very odd.

But it doesn't mean its right for every situation

Not wanting to follow the advice doesn’t make the advice invalid though. People always have a choice to ignore advice. Doesn’t mean the advice is bad.

[This message edited by landclark at 3:26 PM, December 12th (Saturday)]

But it comes to a point where you can say what you want to a person on what they should do but if they don’t want too they are not going too.

I think this is why so many Waywards come to this site, post for a short time, and then leave. It takes a lot of hard work, a lot of hard truth in order to look deep within yourself after infidelity. Not everyone is willing to do that work.

I have more respect for a person who actually stop on their own without someone telling them too or their spouse caught them then for some people who got caught and then all of suddenly this is the right thing to do and any other way is wrong. To me this leaves me to question would you have ever stopped on your own without your spousing catching you?

I was caught. I admire those that have been able to confess on their own. I wish I had done so. I’d like to say that I eventually would have, but I have no idea. That was not the path I took.

What I can tell you is my perspective from someone that did many, if not most things wrong. I can tell you what it is like to claw your way back out of a hole. I can tell you about the experience I had facing my husband each and every time I told a lie. I can tell you about the humiliation I caused him in such a public place when he found out. I can tell you about the raw emotion and pain of me minimizing, blame shifting, and deflecting. I can go on and on about the pain my poor choices had on my husband and I can tell you that I hope you do not make the same mistakes I made. When you see someone doing the things you did, you want them stop.

I don’t necessarily think that there is a one size fits all to healing. What I can tell you is that in over 10 years of membership, those that have succeeded have almost always had commonalities on their path.

Not every marriage should be reconciled. It does not absolve Waywards from making better choices and doing the work to become a safe person, not just to a partner but to themselves.

ETA: I’m not sure “caught” is exactly the right word for what happened on DDay. What happened was the AP chose to out the affair to my husband. I had no idea that he would do that. I felt certain that I could trust the AP (at that time). I think anyone who thinks they can completely trust that the AP may not out them (short of death) is probably fooling themselves.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:17 PM, December 12th (Saturday)]

Thanks for this post. I agree with you there seems to be an official handbook.

As someone who had 25 years of my life stolen before my WS finally gave me the truth, I have no problem saying

It is wrong to not tell your spouse and give them the basic human dignity to make their choice in how to live and with who.

Yes there are differences here and there.

But not that one.

I cannot have my life back. If I live to be 100, a quarter of my life is a lie.

I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemies who I call APs 1-7

[This message edited by jaynelovesvera at 7:02 PM, December 12th (Saturday)]

It is wrong to not tell your spouse and give them the basic human dignity to make their choice in how to live and with who.

This is the rub for me. I have zero doubt that telling your spouse you have cheated sucks. I’m sure it’s completely horrible. What is also horrible is finding out years later that your spouse, your friend, the one who is supposed to have your back, has been lying to you all that time. I highly doubt any betrayed is going to thank their cheater for not telling them sooner.

My husband cheated early in the marriage, just before our fifth wedding anniversary, at a particularly vulnerable and delicate time for us as a couple and as a family on a variety of fronts. It was a nearly anonymous, physical, sexual infidelity. He made a conscious, deliberate decision to partake, based on the understanding that unless he confessed, I'd never know. That much was accurate.

Turns out, he couldn't handle the guilt. It was visible on his face from the moment he walked in the door back home.

He didn't tell me on his own. I realized of my own volition that something was *very wrong.* For the first time in our relationship, my husband could not look me in the eyes, starting from the very moment he walked into the front door. He kept talking to a point in space behind me, somewhere over my left shoulder.

Even though we'd never been in this place before, I knew *exactly* what that meant.

Finally, on Day Three at home, after two days of me gently nudging and then finally banging hard on it ("Dude, I know *something* happened, you are miserable and it is obvious, you might as well tell me now and get it on the table...") he outed with a very sanitized version of events.

He says he always knew he'd tell me, that he always planned to tell me, but that he was "waiting for the right time." IMHO, we all know that's bullshit. 'The right time' never, ever comes.

He freely admits that it was my prodding and facilitation that enabled what I got out of him, to get out of him.

Without that, who knows? He says he would have 'told.'

Given how long he held onto the actual essence of the matter, and that in the moment he fully intended to enjoy himself, and he did, based on *never telling me,* well... I'm not convinced he would have ever gotten up off of it without a significant nudge from me.

Then again, he could have continued to lie, futile or not.

Basically, in terms of the physical facts, he did not continue to lie.

But he also did not own up to the most inherent betrayal, which was to deceive me by omission, for his own pleasure.

Approximately seven years later, we've put this incident firmly behind us, as much as we both understood it. (I actually did not, due to rug sweeping.)

My husband did not engage in further incidents of sexual, physical infidelity, but inherent dysfunction continued to rear its ugly head during that time.

Seven years hence, mid thirties-ish, I was so completely fried by the seemingly bottomless pit of demands and dysfunction and 'can never be enough' that I was confused, beyond frustrated, exhausted, and actively telegraphing all of the above.

It's not like I didn't telegraph it to my husband- I WAS SCREAMING IT FROM THE MOUNTAIN TOPS AT HIM- and he will agree, I was.

He was simply too wedded to his dysfunction (FOO, FOO, FOO) and too wedded to the way things were, to even consider any significant change.

We were on a trajectory that would continue for decades.

And right at this precise juncture is where I became an Almost Wayward.

Personally, in terms of the real estate between my own two ears, I understand that I became a Wayward. I fully well knew why this other guy was hanging around. And I let him hang around, and I soaked up the attention- because I was fucking *starved.* Because I was exhausted. Because I couldn't get my own husband's attention with a taser, a baseball bat, a suitcase nuke and a Pit Bull. Nor with lingerie, sex toys, various 'adult materials,' willingness, and a surprising amount of physical, emotional and psychological nimbleness.

Just, nope.

You've heard the term, 'Hopium'?

I was firmly parked, through no agency of my own, at 'Nopium.'

I cannot even count the number of nights and mornings in which I cried in the shower.

LOL, to quote Beetlejuice, "I was utterly alone."

For our purposes as a couple, we do not count me as a Mad Hatter because, despite super human temptation and frustration, I did not cross that line. I never let that guy, nor any other guy, touch me.

Also, here's another factor in why I let this particular guy hang around, with his obvious agenda:

Compared to the bids I'd been fighting off to that point, while my husband *dithered about with growing up and actually being married,* this, his presence, was the least threatening. I'd already fielded and dispensed with far, far more threatening bids. Shit that would have threatened marriages, jobs, careers, families, finances, next week's work schedule, promotions, reputations, WTF ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

The guy I let hang around, for too long? He was all that in his own right. He was not a loser. He was not a slacker. In fact, he'd already played out a considerable skill set against a spouse and a FOO that was brutal and unyielding.

In my world, he was small potatoes. Ultimately dispensable. As I was in his.

I'm sure you betrayed husbands are waiting for me to say that it was because my own husband was enough for me.

Or because he was the only man for me.

Or because I could not stand the touch or the thought of another man.

The truth?

None of that is true.

I could have fucked that guy and any number of other guys who made bids to the end of the earth and back again and then fucked a whole orbit around Mars and likely would have been physically and psychologically better off for it.

The truth is two fold:

1. Primarily- I did not want to be that person. I am not an inherently dishonest person. Not everything I do is up for public consumption nor for public judgment but I *will* live my life in harmony with my own integrity, ethics, and values. In accordance with that, I will not deliberately screw over another sentient being, human, animal or otherwise. I will be a good steward to those provisions, blessings, resources with which Providence provides.

2. As Providence provides, so goes my responsibility.

Yes, I certainly *could* be selfish, God knows others in my life were, and had been, and continued to be, but that's on them.

They are not me.

My husband was the first to trip.

He handled it... not badly, but certainly not optimally.

His 'trip' was, weird.

Purely sexual, physical, ephemeral- at the very moment when I was a wife, a mother, an athlete, a professional, and fully available.

My 'trip,' IMHO, was purely predictable.

I was all in,

...and I was alone.

And where the rubber hit the road, I walked right up to my husband unsolicited and 'confessed,' to all of 'the voices in my head' that were prompting me, *pushing me,* to reach out and grab that for which I was so starved,

and I also firmly, and with full disclosure,

pushed that other man away.

And do you know what that got me? What that got us?

A trip to Disney World.

No, I'm not kidding.

It got us a fucking trip to Disney World.

A trip that my husband had been talking about and simultaneously putting off *for years,* waiting until the time was *juuuuuuuuuust right.*

Like, after I *almost* fucked another guy out of sheer frustration and neglect, *but didn't?*

"YOU GET A TRIP TO DISNEY WORLD!"

Fuck me. Fuck us.

(That was Husband's one bid toward 'an enlightened and fun life,' as he identified it. And then it was right back to Business as Usual: Workaholism.)

I do believe that SI fails *all of us* in this regard:

Yeah, marital weather conditions can indeed lead to infidelity. I am proof positive, as a spouse who stood on the precipice, but did not.

Decades ago I read a science fiction novel that addressed 'marriage' in terms of 'five year contracts.' Every five years, the couple and each individual within decided to re-up the contract, or not.

I'm beginning to think that it's a sane way to approach a marriage- some other contingencies where children vs. infrastructure vs. income are involved.

Mickie500, I think you underestimate how many betrayed understand the desire for a revenge affair.

I ended my A voluntarily. I wasn't caught. In all likelihood, I would never have been caught, as later events proved that I was an excellent liar.

I confessed the very first day that I saw my BH (then BF). I went straight to admitting the sex and ILYs in the initial confession. I experienced the terrible moment you describe.

I did not have SI to tell me to do this. SI wouldn't appear for at least another decade. Hell, the internet itself was still years away.

What I did wrong -- desperately wrong -- was that I trickle truthed. I presumed that I had the right and responsibility to spare my BH's pain by minimizing the emotional and physical intensity of my A. I stuck to that belief like glue, and even when I first found SI, I thought that I was an exception to the rules.

If I had found SI early, and listened to the advice here, THAT would have spared my BH untold pain. But my way upped the odds that I'd stay married. When WS don't take the advice, there's always a benefit to them along with the alleged benefit to the BS.

You seem to believe that my confessing my A, uncaught, gives me more moral authority to say that WS should come clean. Personally, I think the terrible lesson I learned about lying, the ringside seat for the devastation I inflicted, gives me more credibility. Either way, I won't apologize for being absolutist on the point.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 12:15 AM, December 13th (Sunday)]

It seems SI and it's methods have proven to work (alot like AA has). It's proven it through years of experience. Is it possible to never drink again without AA? Yes I'd guess probably so, but if that method worked so well, AA wouldn't exist.

SI offers an amazing template to survive infidelity. The very few people that post here offering an alternative method have little to no history or experience to support their actions. So take their method for what it is....a trial run.

Is FF4152 better off not disclosing his affair? Who the fork knows?! Odds are we will never know. But does anyone have good clear examples of his path working? I dont.

Is mickie5000 better off getting even and playing tit for tat? Beats me, anyone here have an example where that worked out well for all parties involved? I don't.

What's next? We just suggest everyone do whatever the fork they want? Offer no advice, award participation trophies just for posting here (regardless if they've come clean)?

There's nothing wrong with offering sound advice that's based off years of experience. Stop acting like you are a special snowflake (I'm not aiming at anyone in particular here). If we were that special, infidelity wouldn't have wrecked part of our lives.

Not every marriage should be reconciled

This should be posted on every screen on SI. I couldn't agree more.

There's nothing wrong with offering sound advice that's based off years of experience. Stop acting like you are a special snowflake (I'm not aiming at anyone in particular here). If we were that special, infidelity wouldn't have wrecked part of our lives.

BOOM!

I've been here over 10 years. A 'one-size-fits-all'? A guidebook? Maybe......just maybe......it might be collective experiences, and the most common/successful ones tend to be majority opinions on this site.

I think SI is, indeed, that "special handbook." I think that's what DeeplyScared & MangledHeart had in mind all along; to amass the greatest wisdom, share it with the world, and help us all survive infidelity.

As another member mentioned, AA's method works. My sister is living proof, over twenty years sober. I'm sure many new members arrive and believe that they know better, as my sister did, because, you know, one size doesn't fit all.

Yes, we're all unique, with our own unique stories and whatnot. Still, we're all human and humans are very, very predictable creatures (as aptly demonstrated throughout our society).

...those that have succeeded have almost always had commonalities on their path.

There are patterns to human behavior, if one looks closely enough, that are impossible to ignore. The first few years I was here, I was too focused on myself to really see it. Over the last couple of years, as I've healed and personally needed SI less, I've started see what WOEZ and most of the other old veterans see.

There is a "special handbook," and just by being a member, godheals, you're one of it's authors.

ETA:ff4152, I believe that keeping your secrets keeps you in a secret life, which is still wayward, which means you're not, in fact, out of infidelity, and most certainly have not earned the right to post a successful reconciliation story.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 10:45 PM, December 12th (Saturday)]