Newest Member: AcesEights

godheals

H: BS
ME: WW
Dday December 2015 (PA for 15 months)
Confessed to H about the A
4 kids together-M 14 Years now.
Happily R.

More changes(vent people suck)

I think more changes are coming. Sorry I just need to vent.

I posted a while ago about dumping toxic people who live across the street from us.

Our other neighbor guy is actually engaged with their co worker. My H was venting to this guy’s stepson about how he was going to watch what he says in front of them since she works with the two cheaters across the street.

I get a phone call last week from the neighbor guy. He told me he was going to sit my H down and I have a talk with him. How he didn’t like the fact my H don’t trust them. Told me what the step son had said. Another thing was they were both sick of my H bitching about the two from across the street. Saying stuff like we all have gotten fucked over before. Get over it

My favorite was when he said “you guys don’t hear them bitching about it”. What the hell?? Of course not because they didn’t get fucked over. This guy knows about my infidelity and we know about his first wife cheating on him. So he knows the pain from when a spouses cheats. So it’s really surprised me this guy is telling me my H needs to get over it. I know it’s way different get betrayed by a spouse then a friend but he should know pain is pain and you don’t tell people to get over it.

I told him his feelings are valid and he has every right to hurt. He really thought this guy was his friend and trusted him 100 percent. He seem to agree but he just didn’t want to listen to it anymore. The same guy who lost his wife last year and was having a hard time with his step daughter. We both when months and months listening to this guy and was there for him when he was having a hell of a time with the step daughter. A few weeks into my H venting about a friend who stabbed him in the back and he don’t want to listen to it anymore.

I pointed out to this guy bottom line with the two across the street is neither one of them have dealt with Reality of their choice to cheat. She didn’t get her way with me last summer calling me out that I had bend over and they could see down my shirt. Giving me a speech about bullshit crap. This is why my H is no longer his friend. Sorry I didn’t give into her bossy it’s my way or the highway bullshit I can’t cope with our choices in life and have to blame everyone around us fucking attitude. The guy agrees with me but we still need to get over it and tip toe around the two across the street because he don’t want to upset them.

Of course I told my H this and the guy never did sit my H down and have the talk. Which is fine. But are both very upset because we were there for this guy last year. But he can’t do the same thing for us. And now my H feels like his been back stabbed by the step son and feels like this guy is actually not a friend.

People suck. Sorry this was long. But bottom line everyone is telling us to get over it because everyone’s been fucked over and no one wants to upset the two cheaters across the street who has never dealt with their choice to cheat. We are the bad guys in the area who just needs to get over it. And again we don’t hear them bitching. Yep we don’t. But then again they didn’t get screwed over.

2 comments posted: Wednesday, July 21st, 2021

Dumping toxic people

We were friends with the people across the street who cheated on their spouse with each other. But shit kinda hit the fan with them which I am glad. We don’t need to toxic people in our life.

H and I had some talks over this. I pointed out things in them that makes us way different from them.

They both made their choice to cheat.

They both have not done a thing to work hard to rebuild any trust.

They continue to blame who else they can for their own insecurities and think they world owns them something.

They justified their actions because of an unhappy M and hoping to get compassion over it with others.

Bottom line they made their bed and now it’s NOT fun for them to lay in it. It’s not our problem. It’s theirs. But of course they didn’t see it that way. Again not our problem.

I told my H I was only willing to give them a chance because he likes giving everyone a chance. But when you clearly see two people think that everyone owes them something in life because they don’t know how to live in the real world then you know that type of people should not be in your life.

Most important we have worked hard to get where we are now. I don’t want or need people in our life who can bring us down because again they made poor choices and continue to do so. Now that we are not friends they are trying to play the “victim” card with whoever will listen.

H and I actually grown closer now because a lot things are so much more clearly now that we are not in the mix of their bullshit.

It feels so good!

8 comments posted: Sunday, July 11th, 2021

A crossroads

I find myself in a crossroads. Something that was a pre A issue before and it’s become a problem again. I have talk to him about this but I get the same two answers.

I find it’s the little things in a M that count the most. That mean a lot to me. Holding my hand. Picking up my favorite drink ect. About a month ago or so H was upset about the lack there of bedtime. But I told him I feel like he wants sex in the morning but he wakes up grumpy then in a blink of an eye he wants actions. I express to him I need the little things from him and he agreed he needed to step it up but nothing has change.

I also had to point out the things I do for him because he said he felt the same way. After pointing things out I do for him he could see that I was doing stuff for him.

I feel like I am always doing stuff for him. Thinking about him. Picking up different hot sauces for him when I see a new one. Asking him if he needs anything at the store. If I am going to town and it’s hot outside asking if he needs more water. I feel like he don’t want to make an effort to do the little things. I told him I need this to feel the connection between him. Just like he needs sex I need the little things. It’s like he got it for a moment and agreed but nothing charges.

The other way he reacts is he says things like I guess I am the bad guy. I am a bad H. But this is what he was saying to me before my A. I express my feelings and turns it around on me. No I am not going to cheat again. This is not what I am saying. It seems to me I can’t tell him what I need from him, the little things that he A) says he agrees but nothing happen or B) makes me feel bad about it and says I am the bad guy. I guess I am not a very good H.

The crossroad is I feel like I should but don’t want to play the game of “well I am going to stop doing stuff for him because his not doing x y z”. But at the same time I feel like I give to him but it’s not getting returned back. Yes we do talk more. We hang out more. There are certain things in our M that are better. I just need the little things from him to show me the live he says he has. He tells me all the time he can’t do life without me. This family can’t live without me. How I mean everything to him. But when it comes to showing it he don’t.

Again this is stuff I did brought up to him pre A but would turn the tables around on me one way or another. I feel like I need to do less but I don’t want to play that game but I feel like I am giving all the time and he hardly gives back. Yes we have talk about this but nothing happens. I don’t know how else to explain to him when I say to him you need sex from me to feel that connection like I need the little things…. He gets it for that moment but it don’t change.

Thoughts?

33 comments posted: Saturday, June 19th, 2021

People telling you how to handle your kids...

Does everyone get frustrated when other people tell you how you should handing your kids?

Our youngest son who is 6 now, gets easily frustrated and mad, screams and whines. We have a male friend who seems to put his two cents in from time to time on what we should be doing. Like we don’t do nothing to him when he acts out or don’t express his feelings in a better way. He also himself gets frustrated at our son with every little thing.

A few weeks ago I was talking to him on the phone and my H must of told him that our son walks through the door from school and his already mad. Male friend makes the comment that I should beat his butt and put him in time out And if he moves or whines keep adding ten mins to his time out. Then says “if you want to put a stop to it that’s what needs to be done”. Oh ok like it’s that easy. Let me keep adding ten mins to his time out every time he makes a sound or moves. More then likely he would be in time out all day every day.

My H works and I should at home with the kids. I would say I am the one who deals and handles the kids for the most part. We have four kids. It’s just frustrating that people what to give you their two cents on what you should be doing but they are not the ones doing it. My H sometimes agrees or sides with this friend like “I” don’t do enough or maybe I don’t do nothing. He don’t always agrees with him but at times he does.

Like realistically I should just beat his butt and put him in time out and add more time if he acts out. I should be yelling and screaming at him putting my foot down for every little thing. Like that’s going to solve everything. Meanwhile the same friend has a teenage step daughter who dont listen to him and they are always going rounds with each other. It’s like his telling us we should have control over our 6 year old but it’s ok for him not to be able to have control over his step daughter oh because she is a teen and this how they act.

Nothing against my H but my H and this friend don’t know what it’s like to be the main parent dealing with four kids. The ages from 13 to 4. H is the more of the fun parent. Playing football, board games, wrestling in the living.

I know it’s one thing to give advise or help someone but I don’t feel like it’s advise or trying to help. The tone and how he says it and they way his says it makes me feel like it’s my fault our son is the way he is because I don’t do enough or maybe nothing at all. To me it’s like his never had to deal with four kids on top of being the main parent dealing with it all.

I have not yet but there are times when I want to call him out on how his calling us out for our parenting skills when he can’t even handle his step daughter. Another thing is, he has a step son a few years older at the house and his nowhere near as bad as she is. Because I have a feeling people might say it’s different having a step child then your biological kid when he has two and they act the opposite.

Sorry this was long. I just needed to vent a little! It’s hard enough to be a parent but it’s harder when you have to deal with a kid who is easily frustrated and his go to is to scream and yell.

5 comments posted: Sunday, February 28th, 2021

Just my opinion....

I don’t really post as much as I use too. I still come on here from time to time and read stories. I come back on because I wanted to make a post in a thread but see you can’t anymore. I did read somewhat of it but it was too long for me to read it all.

One of the reasons I don’t come on nearly as much is because my H and I have happily R and sometimes reading and posting is too hard for me. I feel like it takes me back to it all and reminds me of what I did and how painful it was for my H. My H don’t want to feel stuck in the past and I feel like this place makes me feel stuck in the past and don’t know how to get out of it.

I also feel like this website is a one size fits all. That there is this special handbook that everyone should follow but if they don’t they are wrong. Just because most or all here feel a certain way then it must be the right way. In today’s world people want to be heard by their voice but I feel like they think their voice is the most important one and how they think is the right way.

There is different kinds of pain in the world and how they become about. I have meet a few people who been cheated on by their ex spouses. The male BS told me his wife was having an affair with a really good friend of theirs. Asked for thousands of dollars of out him so he could get out of his “bad” marriage and start over. Little did this BS know it was a set up for his wife to get out also. He then when on to meet another women who was also cheated on and was beat to crap by a ex H.

A few years later her son had took his own life in their house and she had found him. Sadly she did pass way this year. I have talked to her and him about this and they both said to me they thought a cheating spouse was the hardest thing they would ever have to deal with but after the death of their child they didn’t actually know what pain really was. She told me that this way by far the hardest thing ever. You can heal and move on from infidelity but death of a child you really can’t.

I have read stories on here that most if not all would think different. And that’s ok. Everyone can feel different. But like I said just because most if not all on this website feels the same way about a certain thing then it must be the right way or it must be true.

I also want to talk about something that has been on my mind for a while. But just didn’t know how. Most people here don’t know what it’s like to actually to your spouse you cheated. I do. But by all means I am not saying I am better then who didn’t tell. The thing that makes me wonder about WS here who are so determined for others to tell and cast the first stone

who don’t my question is why didn’t you do that?

Maybe you didn’t have SI to tell you that? I didn’t have SI to tell my spouse I cheated. Most things are way easier said then actually done. It’s so easy for all of us to type out what we think is right to people we may never face in real life. Like I am doing now. I am sorry but for the people here that have such a strong opinions about something that you didn’t do in the first place should maybe give your two cents and then move on.

You don’t actually know how it really feels to look your spouse in the eye ON YOUR OWE without your spouse asking or have a feeling about it, and tell them what you did. It’s the hardest thing I had to do in my life to this day. You didn’t have the guts or maybe the balls to STOP and TELL your spouse the truth! Sorry if balls is a little too blunt but I seen way worse on here that was ok.

At the end of the day my choice to tell my spouse what I did was the right thing for me. I am not saying its right or wrong not tell your spouse. It was right for me. Yes we can tell people the consequences and yes they do know but that’s all we can do and just let them make that choice. And then maybe move on. I don’t think it’s fair (not going to use the word right) for people who didn’t actually make this choice on their own to keep shoving this STRONG opinion down someone’s throat who just didn’t have the nerve to do this in the first place.

It should not be an all size fits all. All stories are different and everyone’s path is different. We are all going to be on different pages in life when it comes to this. Just because you don’t agree that don’t mean that the other person is wrong.

Last thing. I have more respect for a person who actually stop on their own without someone telling them too or their spouse caught them then for some people who got caught and then all of suddenly this is the right thing to do and any other way is wrong. To me this leaves me to question would you have ever stopped on your own without your spousing catching you? Do you think you would have ever come to that point on your own? Or would you still be in your affair to this day? Because let’s face it lots of people keep doing because they can. That’s what I read on here they do it because they can and wanted too.

Some will agree and I guess some won’t with want I said. It’s not wrong or right. It’s just how I feel about it.... it’s my opinion. I have a feeling that some might think I am wrong and will tell me how I am wrong and that’s ok.

171 comments posted: Saturday, December 12th, 2020

Something happen for the first time...

I was the store yesterday with the two youngest. I was getting ready to checkout and then it happen. I saw the AP. In 4 and half years since dday I have never run into him anywhere. I felt sick to my stomach instantly. He was just standing there getting ready to checkout. I run to the first open check out and got the hell out. By the time I was walking out and done he was no where around. I don’t know if he saw me or not.

By the time I got home my H was already home. I got the kids inside and got them going on something to distract them inside. I walked back outside and told my H I needed to tell him something. Told him I was getting ready to checkout and I saw him there. My H just said ok. He didn’t make a face. He was not mad or upset. No comment. Just said ok. Told him that was the first time ever running into him. He asked me how I felt about it. I said horrible and I felt sick to my stomach. I have him a hug and had tears in my eyes. He said it was ok and it was going to happen sooner or later. Told me not to cry and stop shaking. He took it well.

Later on in the evening we were outside together with no kids. I asked him if he was ok and if he needed to talk? He said he was good and he didn’t need to talk but he wanted to talk to me. He told me he was glad it happen. Gave him a little more peace with it. Showed him I can be honest with him. He felt that sense of Security he needs. He asked me if I talked to him. If him or me had said something to each other. I told him no. Told him I didn’t even know if he saw me.

He also said to me he could tell I was a little off when I got home. I seem stressed out. He knows I been stress with the kids home but could sense it was something else. I told him I just wanted to get the kids doing something first before telling him. I asked him if I did the right thing because I was also scared he would said to me he wish I never told him. He said he was glad I did and he was glad it happen. He now knows if it happens again I would tell him. It lead us to a great talk about the past and our future. Afterwards he said to me again I am glad this happen. We needed this in order to continue to grow. He felt like we take other step forward with our M and he felt good. He told me he loved me and he was not going to hold this over my head forever. He wants us to grow and move on. Kinda shocked he took it that well. Thought I was going to get some kind of reaction. He was just super claim about it.

15 comments posted: Tuesday, July 14th, 2020

The work never goes away

Just wanted to remind everyone that the work never ends. No matter how far you are on the journey. A few weeks, a few months a few years and so on. Even when you happily R and have a better M it’s still there and you still need to do the work.

I went to leave to go clean at a very part time job. On my way I noticed a store had finally opened up and I wanted to stop by fast and look around. I forgot my phone and by the time I got back I had 5 miss calls from my H. I called him and he asked me where I was because he stopped at the job and didn’t see my car. I ended up just right across the street. I told him what had happen. He wanted me to drop off the checkbook fast before I went to go clean. When I got home he said his head was in a bad spot and brought back bad thoughts. The kids were all over him and he wanted me to get that done so I could get back.

I text him saying I am so sorry honey. Didn’t mean to freak you out. I will do better with no forgetting my phone. Sorry you had to relive that in your mind. Love you you see you soon.

He text me back telling me don’t be sorry something that carries with me hopefully it will go away

I said back. I am sorry and it’s my fault for what I did to you. And it’s ok it still carries with you and I don’t expect it to go away. Love you.

H says back to me thanks for being the best to me.

I said back no thanks for being the best to me.

Remember everyone no matter how far you come you will always have to do the work. It will always be there. My H and I are happier then we even been for a very long time but it’s always going to be there. We have not had something like this happen for a while but I know now not think why is he over this? I just remember to think this is my fault and I need to do whatever it takes to make he feel safe again. Almost brought me to tears on how far we have come with this journey.

Thanks for listening!!

8 comments posted: Wednesday, May 13th, 2020

Saying Hi/ update

Hi everyone.

I hope everyone is staying safe and healthy. Please remember to take care of yourself during this hard time that our nation is facing. This is more important then ever.

I know it’s been a while since I been on and I wanted to say hi and hope everyone is doing well. I am very grateful for this website because I did learn a lot from it. I needed to step away for a while because I wanted my mind to be cleared.

My H and I are still doing great. We have truly R and our M has been better then ever and it seems odd but the more we have going on we seem to fight less and lean on each other more. We still talk about the past but we are both at peace with it. H said it stills hurts but he feels like it’s getting better each day but certainly has made peace with it.

I have not forgotten the people from here and how much I have learned from this website. My H and I are in a really good place in our M that I felt like I needed to step away and continue to focus on our M, myself, my H and our kids. Just like everyone else, we have had a lot going on more then normal but we are still strong and still learning to continue yo rebuild our M.

Thanks everyone for your help and I just hope everyone is staying safe and taking care of themselves!

5 comments posted: Monday, April 13th, 2020

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