SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

FF, I asked if you had reported these rule violations to the mods. Not sure how that invalidated your point.

And I asked why couldnt folks follow the guidelines? Why is ok to derail every one of my threads? Those are the real questions

[This message edited by ff4152 at 5:47 PM, December 15th (Tuesday)]

It’s just like those AA meetings I go to... all those fuckers ever want to talk about is quitting drinking:

“You should probably quit drinking...” blah blah blah “Here’s how you could best go about quitting drinking” blah blah “Here’s all the reasons you should quit drinking.” blah blah blahdidy blah.

It’s all those fuckers ever want to talk about. How’s about letting me talk about what I want for a change? Jeeeze!

It's not the man, it's the topic. You can defend the man all you want, but the topic remains.

Amen, because of the very things DD mentions: New BS or WS who read those posts and get the impression that lying to your BS is A-OK.

I appreciate that FF has done some work, and I've told him as much. At times I've struggled with whether to call out the lack of honesty to his BS in his posts, and in nearly every case, I'll start to post and then delete.

As to saying the "rules" don't apply? Well, IMHO, honesty is THE rule for healing after infidelity. The rest - including SI's boundaries - are all "guidelines" (and there is a difference). None of that is "about" the person. It's "about" the principle.

At the end of the day, I liken the concept of telling yourself (or the rest of SI) you have "healed" or "reconciled" when keeping your BS in the dark is like a doctor telling his patient how to quit smoking.... when the doctor is still smoking 2+ packs a day. Granted, the doc MAY have been smoking 3 packs a day.... but no matter what, he's still "a smoker", whether he wants to admit it or not.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 8:13 PM, December 15th, 2020 (Tuesday)]

KingRat-if this answers your question.

“Let's stop tip toeing around it. You started this thread because of what people say to FF.”

“I was not trying to tip toe around nothing. I just didn’t want to call out a certain person. That’s all. But I think we all know who we are talking.”

follow the rules here on SI yet I appear to be the exception to the rule.

You were called a name by a fellow wayward. It was harsh. Was it true? And did you report it to a mod,since he broke the rule?

I want to be perfectly clear because things are getting out of hand. Not all violations will be publicly announced. Most often we will pm members behind the scenes, privately to discuss violations.

Trust me when I say that threads regarding this topic are watched and quite often keep me busy.

As far as this thread in General terms goes, the topic itself is valid. I do think that we need to avoid any direct attacks on ff or any other members please.

Not all violations will be publicly announced

What I meant,but poorly worded, was did he PM a mod.

I would assume most violations aren't announced publicly.

Thank you for all you do. It's appreciated!

Total thread Jack..

FF..you continue to ignore my question. So I will flat out ask..

Don't you believe you deserve to be loved for who you are? And if not, what can we do to help you?

Hellfire

Don't you believe you deserve to be loved for who you are?

I am loved for the person I am now.

what can we do to help you?

Asked and answered ad nauseum.

After thinking about it maybe I used some words poorly on my part in the first thread that I can see now where people can get the idea that I might of been name calling. No the name calling was not my intent and should have chosen my words better. For that I apologize and sorry that I chosen my words wrong.

I think we can all agree on certain things but see we can’t agree to all. Which is fine. Everyone is entitled their thoughts and feelings on the subject.

Foreverlabeled- Thank you for reaching out to me. I do want to make it know here that I am also sorry for jumping all over you. I should had stepped away ans gather my emotions before reacting. I am normally better at recognizing that I need to step away when my emotions are too high.

I think the only thing I really have to add at this point and if more feel like they need to then please to do so. My point of view and perspective seems to be different then most here. So instead of continuing to try to explain where I see it I am just going to let people think what they think and leave it at that.

I am loved for the person I am now.

She doesn't know who you are now. Anymore than she knew who you were when you cheated. You can not continue to lie about an 8 year affair, and say you are a different person now,when you are still lying to her about it.

Do you read the jfo forum? Have you ever read the many BS who post, having just found out about an affair that happened years ago? They say things like.."I thought I knew him,".."who is this man??".."every day since he started his affair has been a lie"..and "it may have happened years ago, but for me, it's like it happened yesterday."

Never,not one time, has any BS in your wife's position, ever said they were ok with being kept in the dark,while he and OW kept their secret, for years.

ad nauseum.

So the only way we can help you is to say it's ok that you are lying to your wife?

You find our insistence that giving your wife her agency "tired and boring."

People keep telling me I should just give up. You are a lost cause. When you say things like that, maybe they're right.

"When people show you who they are, believe them."

Indeed.

[This message edited by HellFire at 11:28 AM, December 16th (Wednesday)]

Hellfire

So asking you, or anyone else, to respect the rules on SI is somehow wrong?

“When people show you who they are, believe them”

Indeed is right.

Hellfire..your heart is in the right place and you by far are one of my favorites here...but give up.

give up.

I did. But, then I tried again. I was hoping maybe things had changed. It's clear they haven't. And they won't. Being a victim has become a security blanket,and his wife is shackled to a man who is not who he pretends to be.

There are people here who really want, and need, help and support. As MR CS said early, let's help them.

What's next? A WS who ends the physical aspects of their affair and continues on with the EA because they feel that the emotional outlet makes them a better spouse at home? One could argue that it's an improvement when no genitalia is involved (no risk of STDs, no possibility of pregnancy). Do we validate the positive steps that WS has taken because their BS now has a physically faithful spouse who seems more like themselves again? I hope everyone here would agree that that's ridiculous.

Yes, we should celebrate each and every positive step forward.

Each and every positive step forward.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again...

It is not the critic who counts.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face marred by dust ... who errs, who comes short again and again.

As a WS, I continue to come up short. I do, however, remain in the arena. Standing. Marred by dust and sweat. I will continue to fight (myself, certain beliefs, what's best) and hopefully improve.

Like my prior post stated, I believe that ALL steps in the right direction are a cause for celebration.

If a poster wants to celebrate a healed marriage (regardless of his/her personal story), I will raise a glass and support the success.

Indeed, the world has enough critics.

Yes, we should celebrate each and every positive step forward.

Each and every positive step forward.

Fair enough. I meant "validate" as in "you've done the best work you can do, now it's time to maintain those best practices and to focus on helping others make the journey." But yes, I agree, I'm grateful every time I see someone headed in the right direction.

As long as they acknowledge they aren't done yet. That's where you and I appear to disagree.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 9:24 PM, December 16th (Wednesday)]

Hellfire

I did. But, then I tried again. I was hoping maybe things had changed. It's clear they haven't. And they won't. Being a victim has become a security blanket,and his wife is shackled to a man who is not who he pretends to be.

There are people here who really want, and need, help and support. As MR CS said early, let's help them

You seem to have forgotten, I did not start this thread asking for help. Nor asked for it at any time in any of the 6 pages of commentary. Yet still you somehow manage to spin it on its head. Amazing.

You seem to have forgotten, I did not start this thread asking for help. Nor asked for it at any time in any of the 6 pages of commentary.

And you seem to have forgotten that the person who really needs help in your personal equation doesn’t even know that she needs it because she is being kept in the dark about her own reality. Remember her? The actual victim in all of this?

Yet somehow you manage to spin it on its head. Amazing.

The world also has enough liars and thieves....