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Wayward Side :
I don’t know where to put this.

Topic is Sleeping.

earlydetour ( member #63207) posted at 7:11 PM on Saturday, October 17th, 2020


I've gained so much from your insightful posts. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this.

I am mostly wanting to evaluate whether there was limerance, And I want to try and understand how my life lines up with that 18 months. I can’t see it with what I know from my side. I didn’t have a single suspicion.

Do you currently have an IC you can work with? It's going to take time for you to process all of this, like any new BS.

Sending you strength on your journey ahead.

Aim for the best case & plan for the worst case.When you encounter a detour on life's journey, pick yourself up and MAKE the road YOU want to be on. Finding my own path.

posts: 249   ·   registered: Mar. 28th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8598943

pinkpggy ( member #61240) posted at 7:23 PM on Saturday, October 17th, 2020

The thing is HO is not just a "BW" now. We cheered for her, we encouraged her to go to the airport that day after he asked for a divorce with a sign and profess her love to him. We watched her heal but that was all fake. And he came here and pretended. He pretended to her, to himself, to everyone.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 2:11 PM, October 17th (Saturday)]

One 4 month EA/PA
DDay March 2017
Separated (my choice) August 2020 and working towards divorce.

posts: 1914   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2017   ·   location: North Carolina
id 8598948

DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 7:30 PM on Saturday, October 17th, 2020

Removed for consistency

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 7:30 PM, October 17th (Saturday)]

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4483   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8598949

Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 7:36 PM on Saturday, October 17th, 2020

I’m very sorry to hear about this Hiking — not much I can say will make it any better.

I don’t understand his response, to double down on the destruction.

I can only say, none of this takes away from your work, your journey to be a better version of you. If your husband can’t find a way to appreciate your efforts, that’s on him.

I can’t go the way of an RA, because I know the pain infidelity causes, so I don’t understand most of those who do.

Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus

posts: 4183   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: PNW. The adventure continues.
id 8598951

pinkpggy ( member #61240) posted at 7:40 PM on Saturday, October 17th, 2020

I’ll stay off this thread

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 2:12 PM, October 17th (Saturday)]

One 4 month EA/PA
DDay March 2017
Separated (my choice) August 2020 and working towards divorce.

posts: 1914   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2017   ·   location: North Carolina
id 8598952

prissy4lyfe ( member #46938) posted at 7:42 PM on Saturday, October 17th, 2020


Stop. You know that HO showed up here like any other WS. She didn't receive anything more or less than any other wayward. She had to grow and learn...and SHE DID.

Your anger...doesn't seem to be about HO. As she has received nothing but support on this thread. And is widely considered to be one of the FEW WS who actually got it and did the work. Her voice is HIGHLY respected and sought out by MANY BS on here.

DO NOT make this part of her journey about your pain or issues with BSs or YOUR BS That is NOT what's happening here. So don't dishonor the new work she has to do to heal and move forward.

ETA: Your anger at her husband is justified...BUT the BSs on SI are not her husband. NONE of us deserved to be cheated on PERIOD. and I have the feeling that this poking at some of your own pain with your own BS.

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 1:44 PM, October 17th (Saturday)]

posts: 1979   ·   registered: Feb. 24th, 2015   ·   location: Virginia
id 8598953

Carissima ( member #66330) posted at 8:23 PM on Saturday, October 17th, 2020

I'm sorry you're going through this, especially when you thought you were doing so well in R.

Is the AP married? Is there another BS you will need to inform of the affair?

Did he at least come clean on his own?

I hope you have all the strength you need for your meeting with your WH.

posts: 939   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2018
id 8598960

Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 8:32 PM on Saturday, October 17th, 2020

Thanks prissy4lyfe.


I am saddened to see this . ALL of us have felt like this when we find out our WS cheated on us. Some still do. The FACT is that NOTHING can cause us to do something we do not want to do Dear Lady.

I believe that EVERY BS has thought about having an RA when they found out their spouse had an A. But very few of us have acted on it. Do you think that you feel this way because you know what the mindset of a WS is? Now that you know your H betrayed you...does that make you want to go out and have an A?

MY guess is that NO...there is NOTHING that would make you want to cheat ever again. Why? Because we have ALL seen you grow STRONGER on here Dear Lady . YOU did the work on yourself...and there is NOTHING that your H does that will get you to go back to that toxic place you were in. What he did is all on HIM...PERIOD. One day you will see this. For now though...just like every other BS at this point in finding will have these thoughts...and that is alright. Just don't stay in them for very long Dear Lady...because NOTHING you did caused your H to cheat. NOTHING.

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5573   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8598963

Poppy704 ( member #62532) posted at 8:54 PM on Saturday, October 17th, 2020

Edited because I posted in wrong screen.

[This message edited by Poppy704 at 2:55 PM, October 17th (Saturday)]

posts: 428   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2018
id 8598977

thatwilldo ( member #59326) posted at 9:02 PM on Saturday, October 17th, 2020


You and I joined SI at about the same time, although I had my affair many years ago. You have been a rock to me and have helped me in so many ways. I'm so sorry you've been blind-sided by your husband's affair. No one deserves this. All of your hard work has resulted in you having integrity and that's worth a lot.

Don't do as I did. Do as I say.

posts: 247   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2017
id 8598979

coldheart99 ( new member #74457) posted at 9:15 PM on Saturday, October 17th, 2020


I don't normally post on SI. But as a BS I went straight to D when I found out about my now XWW. So what I'm about to write here may surprise you.

YOU HIKINGOUT are one of the few people on this site I hold in very high regard. WHy? Because you OWNED what you did. Your Husband has not. To have one foot in a affair and the other in supposed R with you, makes him a coward and a liar.

He lied to you, himself, and yes even the employee(AP). Anyone over the age of 30 has heard this saying from parent or grandparents-- TWO WRONGS DO NOT MAKE A RIGHT.

You did NOT do this. HE could have gone to D back when he found out but didn't. Instead he basically went into a false R. In my book that makes him a very weak person and you the better person.

Fool me once-- shame on you
Fool me twice-- nope you'll never get the chance

posts: 12   ·   registered: May. 20th, 2020   ·   location: USA
id 8598981

inthedark99 ( member #66168) posted at 10:11 PM on Saturday, October 17th, 2020


i don’t even know how to begin processing this. for your H to do this to your marriage while also actively reading your posts here, let alone witnessing the work on yourself that you’ve accomplished is truly mind blowing. this is no reflection on you, this is all him. not exactly sure how at at 18 months out from his dday he was even able to fathom doing to you what had hurt him. it just shows that it is truth that there is work to be done by both the BS, not just the WS after infideliity. he clearly did not do the work.

i am sorry for the hurt you are feeling. pls take care of you. do for you what you’ve recommended to many a BS here on si, including myself. keep posting, we’re here for you.

posts: 73   ·   registered: Sep. 13th, 2018
id 8598996

 hikingout (original poster member #59504) posted at 10:12 PM on Saturday, October 17th, 2020

Guys- I appreciate the support. And pink I know you are just angry for me. I get it. I appreciate all the protection I feel from you all in all the different ways you have given it. Truly.

I am exhausted, I am lying down and just feel numb?

I am not angry with him right now. I am sorry for him. I love him. It’s hard not to understand what it is he is telling me. I have been to those places and I get it. Oddly I don’t yet feel like he did this to me. I feel more like he has done something terrible to himself. I know that’s a weird thing to say but it is what I see at least right now. He is not healthy and I want him to become healthy. Whatever that looks like. Right now I am not sure this feels real to me and I don’t know how to explain how removed I feel. I am disconcertingly calm.

I don’t see vengeance here, it’s something far more pathetic than that. This is something weak, not something strong.

WW/BW BH/WH Turnthepage My Affair DDAY 9/1/2017- 2 month EA/PAHis Affair DDAY 10/10/2020 - 18 month A - EA?/PA

posts: 5922   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8598998

forgettableDad ( member #72192) posted at 11:42 PM on Saturday, October 17th, 2020

But I absolutely do not believe he would have done this without the other circumstances.

It isn’t excusing it, it’s simply true

You've eluded to it in your later posts. And I doubt what I'll say is a popular opinion but it isn't "simply true". We all have weaknesses. And unless we've done the work proper to recognize and fix those weaknesses, the right circumstances would yield the same results - in the end, the majority of us, whether we'd like to acknowledge it or not, can betray those we love. "WS", "BS" and whatnot are very limited labels and don't really define any actual qualities of a person.

I hope he finds the strength of character to do the work required to heal himself and show you that he did. I hope you find the strength to walk the path for your own healing. And if you both want to reconcile and build, I hope you both achieve it. A life partnership, a marriage, those are worthwhile things to try and save.

posts: 262   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2019
id 8599015

foreverlabeled ( member #52070) posted at 12:22 AM on Sunday, October 18th, 2020

Do you think your feelings come from a place of understanding how and why? I've talked about that in regards to my ex's betrayal. I didn't react in a way BSs do coming from a place of knowing what it takes to cheat. Just a thought.

33 divorced Madhatter
Time is no ones friend, nor their enemy. It moves forward at its own fixed pace, careless of our wants to speed it or slow it.

posts: 2515   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2016   ·   location: southeast
id 8599028

pinkpggy ( member #61240) posted at 12:26 AM on Sunday, October 18th, 2020

And pink I know you are just angry for me

I’m completely Devastated for you. I can’t imagine the feeling you are having. Knowing what you went through, knowing how happy you were, knowing how you felt your marriage would make it, knowing how badly you wanted to make it work. You stripped yourself down and rebuilt yourself and this is your reward. You know you are strong. You know what you can endure. My heart just hurts for you.

One 4 month EA/PA
DDay March 2017
Separated (my choice) August 2020 and working towards divorce.

posts: 1914   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2017   ·   location: North Carolina
id 8599029

Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 12:47 AM on Sunday, October 18th, 2020

Oh, wow.

I'm at a bit of loss for words on this one, hikingout. False reconciliation is common enough coming from a WS. I can't recall ever reading many stories where it's the BS.

I know you know better than to blame yourself. Would your H have chosen to have an affair if you hadn't have had one first? You know there's really no way to answer that question definitively, right? It might be true, it might not be. The simple truth, as I see it, is that it doesn't fucking matter one way or the other. Your H has free-will, just like the rest of us, and he made his own choices. He can try to justify it (and probably did) anyway he wants to. It doesn't change the fact that there is no justification for infidelity.

You're not an idiot, btw. In case you hadn't noticed, plenty of BS were completely blind-sided by their WS's affair.

I feel more like he has done something terrible to himself. I know that’s a weird thing to say but it is what I see at least right now.

It's not weird at all. I've long believed that infidelity is self-destructive. The rest of us are collateral damage.

Right now I am not sure this feels real to me and I don’t know how to explain how removed I feel. I am disconcertingly calm.

Yeah... this is the shock, hikingout. You "just found out." It's powerful and it takes a while to recover. Took me about 10 months. So, you probably know what I'm about to write, right?

Focus on you and your recovery. Take care of yourself. Stay hydrated (drink lots of water). Try eat healthy meals. Get some exercise. You know the drill.

I'm sorry you're going through this shit. I really am. No one deserves this. No one.

Heading towards divorce
D-Day April, 2015

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button."
-Brene Brown

posts: 6362   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8599035

Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 1:40 AM on Sunday, October 18th, 2020

HikingOut you’ve been so helpful to me in my journey - so kind. It’s a gut punch to hear about this and I hope you are practicing self care.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49Married: Feb. 1996DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4267   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8599046

WalkinOnEggshelz ( Moderator #29447) posted at 1:47 AM on Sunday, October 18th, 2020

Please stop editing posts guys. It is making it almost impossible to moderate.

Me: WS late 40’s
Him: BH (HoldingTogether)
D Day: 7/24/2010
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

posts: 14286   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2010   ·   location: Texas
id 8599050

This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 1:53 AM on Sunday, October 18th, 2020

Anyone considering an A that knows D is an option and knows the pain an A causes has made a decision that is extremely selfish and hurtful.

HikingOut, you have helped me tremendously in my relationship. I'm wish you well and hope you get through this.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1346   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8599052
Topic is Sleeping.
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