One 4 month EA/PADDay March 2017Separated (my choice) August 2020 and working towards divorce.

Need Some Perspective

I feel like I am going crazy and need some perspective from people over 3 years out or more from DDay.

We are 3.5 years out from DDay and I feel like I can no longer continue in this relationship. All of my efforts have gone no where. I have been NC with the AP since April 18, 2017. There has never been any more trickle truth or any more information to come out. No more affairs, no more secrets, etc. He refuses to get into counseling, either IC or MC. Nothing I say matters and he says he doesn't believe me that I'm not cheating. I have not left the house since March. We have been together since then, and the accusations still happen.

Main Issues:

He still wants to read my texts from my family and sister. I have no friends because I really am "not allowed" to go out all. So my sister is the only person I can talk to. I deleted messages to her and he said its considered another dday.

He still accuses me daily of being in an affair. He still thinks I'm talking to the AP.

He doesn't want me using my phone an if he sees me on it accuses me of messaging men. I use my PERSONAL phone for work, because I work from home and that is how I get work calls or emails. I have two kids in virtual school and all the info comes in on emails or Facebook. I need to use apps for school for grades or schedules. There is no possible way right now not to use my phone.

He still gets verbally upset and angry and yells at me. He is still drinking, and when drinking, it escalates. I can no longer hide it from the kids because we are all home 24/7. I can't even go to Target without being accused of cheating, or go for a walk early in the morning without being asked if I am meeting me for sex on the street.

I just feel like I am done. I have given everything I can for 3.5 years, for a marriage that was dead for 8 years prior.

Am I the one being unreasonable because I had an affair? I have nothing left to give any more. My soul is literally crushed, I can't think, I can't focus, I have constant anxiety about everything I do.I'm scared if I go to get fast food and the line is long that I'll come home to trouble.

But I am the one that cheated. Do I just shut up and take it? I don't know whats normal and whats not any more.

119 comments posted: Wednesday, August 5th, 2020