Newest Member: Hopingtobreakthrough

forgettableDad

10 ways to be an honest person, the 7th will blow your mind

Actually I'm being a troll. There's only one way of being an honest person. But it's not easy. And for someone like me who has spent their entire life surrounded by lies; big ones, little ones, somewhere in the middle ones. I've had to learn to be honest with my lies too. I'm never going to completely remove the rock that pulls at me from reaching the finishing line of telling the truth. But I can adjust every time I fail.

It's a really simple trick. My therapist helped me with it.

It's ok to fail.
That's it.

It's ok to fail. Just acknowledge that you did. Tell the other person that you've just lied. Apologize and then tell the truth. Practice makes perfect :)

At first, it took me days to gather enough courage to acknowledge that I've lied. Then it took me a few hours. And now I can acknowledge it after a couple of minutes. That's why healing takes time. Because it takes practice and lots of hard work.

I don't lie often anymore. It's a compulsion I've managed to break. And the only trick is just telling the truth. The one way to being an honest person.

It's funny to me sometimes how much my therapist just simply said things that make sense. But I guess it takes a healthy mind to understand.
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Not really sure why I'm sharing. It's kinda late and I've not been able to sleep lately and maybe the understanding that it's ok to fail might help someone. If it does. You're welcome :D

1 comment posted: Friday, October 22nd, 2021

I'm not honest to my wife

I'm honest to myself.

Sorry, it's a bit of a clickbaity title.

A few of the threads here lately have got me thinking. Why did I tell my wife I stole most of our savings? Why did I tell my wife I was having an affair?

The easy answer of course is, she caught or she would've caught me. But I don't necessarily think that's true. To be honest, it's not that hard to lie (sorry, I'm known for my bad puns). I could've mitigated the situation, lied about my affair, taken a loan (obviously lie about that) and in the end smooth the entire thing over. I knew I needed work on myself. I went into therapy. I could've been a better person and my wife would be none-the-wiser. She'd have the marriage she always thought she had. And, believe it or not, I really think that's a viable, realistic option. One last lie to hold inside so I could help the one I hurt. So why didn't I?

I got tired of hurting other people. And mostly I got tired of hurting myself. I'm not honest to keep my marriage (as I said, less pain most likely if I lied) - I had to let go of it, to accept divorce as an option. And so I can't and won't tell other people to be honest in order to save their relationship. There's no guarantee of a happily-married ending with honesty.

But I wanted to be honest because I believe that that is the right thing to be regardless of the outcome. In the end for me "no secrets" means "no burden". And no burden is the easiest burden to carry. And a good programmer, as the saying goes, is a lazy programmer :)

[This message edited by forgettableDad at 3:52 PM, December 13th (Sunday)]

3 comments posted: Sunday, December 13th, 2020

What I miss...?

I was going to post this in the thread made by Micky500 but I don't think it belongs there and I didn't want to muddy the responses. So I decided to do it here.

What do I miss?

I thought deeply about this question. I spent 6 years lying to my wife, driving us into a hole we were barely able to escape. And another 3 or 4 months having an affair.

I honestly don't miss anything that I've "lost". The good memories that we had, they still exist. The look of trust in her eyes? I was never worthy of it back then anyway. The trust itself? it will build back - and though it'll never be implicit, I don't mind because it means I can always strive to be a little bit better. And if things don't work out? I know she's strong. I know I'm strong. And I know life goes on.

What I am is grateful. Every day. For her grace and her love. For every step I take with myself and with her. For making sure that the price we paid for my decisions is not wasted idly. And for a hundred million little things every day that exist.

74 comments posted: Monday, November 9th, 2020

The value of honesty

Couldn't figure out a better title but wanted to share.

So, been looking for a new job last couple of weeks. Contract was finishing up. I've spent the last few years away from my industry due to the affair and obviously taking space. Couple of places from the industry requested me to submit CV. Last week my wife and I spoke about the what-if of running into my AP. Was a low chance but still there (I've no idea where she's at to be honest). Wife said it was ok if she works in the same company as long as it's not in the same team - obviously it'll be a trigger but she's deal. I figured if I see her I walk straight to HR and tend my resignation. Not because I'm worried about my boundries mind you but I've very little interest in seeing my wife spend any more energy than she has (and still does) on my idiotic choices.

Anyway. Long story short. My AP, out of the blue, sends me a phone message (thought I had her blocked everywhere but I recently changed phone and SIM so something may have reset). I got the message on my way to work. My first reaction was a typical one. Ignore; block; hide; lie; hope things go away.

I couldn't do it. There was a part of me that wanted to try. Then I realized something. I could feel, literally feel, the weight of that lie - a first lie after the years of honesty. It was suffocating. And I couldn't do it. Didn't want to do it. Whatever comes, whatever happens, I want to be honest with my wife. She deserves my respect, she deserve to know. And we, as a couple, deserve the chance to deal with life together.

So, I called my lead. Told him I'll be either late or not in today. Turned the car and drove straight home.

Be honest. It's by far the easier option - even if it doesn't seem like it at the time.

11 comments posted: Sunday, October 25th, 2020

With friends like this....

Yea, just venting a bit.

My wife has a friend, she knows about the affair and is divorced herself. They actually had a falling out because my wife wanted to reconcile and that friend tried to push her to divorce. Anyway, long story short, they haven't spoken for a while now and out of the blue this friend connects back on WhatsApp and she connects by sending my wife a joke about infidelity.. Like, what the fuck? Who the fuck does that??

23 comments posted: Saturday, August 15th, 2020

The reality of an affair

Ran into my AP's X online post (we work in the same industry so it's not uncommon that I see their posts) which triggered a conversation between me and a friend about my affair. I wrote this in response to one of his statements and I wanted to share:

Yea I know. I'm not really blaming myself for their divorce. But I had a role in it, even if it was incidental. I know if it wasn't me it'd be someone else, same for her. There was nothing special about any of it. Two broken people running from fixing themselves and hurting the people they're suppose to actually really love... Still feel shitty I guess..

There was nothing special about any of it. Two broken people running from fixing themselves and hurting the people they're suppose to actually really love

That's the reality of my affair. And that is the reality of your affair. Love. Connection. All of that? There's nothing special about any of it. It's a dime a dozen.

74 comments posted: Monday, April 20th, 2020

The hardest fantasy to let go of

I logged into SI on December 2019 but I lurked without an account for a lot longer than that. I came to this site like many cheaters do I suspect, with this idea that somehow I was unique in my affair. That I had found another true love. And that all those other cheaters are different.

The biggest mallet to the head was realizing that that's mostly rubbish - sure, there are people who are so broken and insane I can't relate to their affair reasons - but they don't come here to post very often.

Yes situations can be different and reasons can vary somewhat but the reality is; I cheated. I lied to myself and my wife like so many of us did. And the stories we tell ourselves are usually eerily similar:

I've found my soulmate.

It's only been a few months but it feels like a lifetime.

They understand me like no one else does.

I'm a better person when I'm with them.

We have a perfect connection and complete each other sentences.

I love my partner but not in love with them anymore.

I can see a future with my affair partner.

And finally when the curtain falls and the ugliness of what we've done set in daylight;

Woe is me I must grieve for my lost love.

It took me a long time in therapy to understand where I'm broken and how to change myself. But I still held on to the fantasy of being unique. Being here snapped me out of that. And for that I'm very very thankful that SI exists. And the sooner any cheater realizes this reality, the sooner they'll be on their way to actual healing.

18 comments posted: Monday, March 2nd, 2020

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