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Am I the only one....

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EllieKMAS posted 9/23/2020 16:11 PM

...Who literally has ZERO desire to date? I keep telling myself I won't always feel like that, but honestly right now the thought of dating just makes me feel like slapping things.

I was talking with a friend the other day and it came up and I just told her that I really feel like he killed the part of me that gave a shit about being in a couple. Don't get me wrong - for right now I am 90% happy being on my own and not having to deal with someone else's crap. But I do still ruminate on that 10% bit. I'm young and I don't necessarily think I want to be alone forever but I do wonder and fret over it sometimes.

Could be too that I have gone full-on cuckoo's nest cus of you know, the WORLD right now. I dunno, just rambling I suppose.

twicefooled posted 9/23/2020 16:52 PM

Not strange.

I stayed 100% single for the first 2 yrs post divorce. Zero flirting, zero dating.

Years 2-6 have been about discovering who I am and making my life better for myself and children.

I'm now in year 7 and am dating a wonderful man. I'm not looking to cohabitate with anyone until all of our children are out of the house. Not every man wants that, so it's taken me a while to find the right man and not feel like I settled for anyone :)

AnnieOakley posted 9/23/2020 18:13 PM

No... after I was divorced I dated my HS boyfriend for a few years. There was no one between the x and him so it was familiar and safe to some degree. It did not work out and I was probably one of the statistics where the first relationship/breakup was almost more difficult than the divorce. Taking the chance to trust...blah, blah, blah.

I was 100% single again for over 2 years until I opened a profile in January for OLD. No interest at all. I did the emotionally hard work (again++!!) and focused on myself, my job, and my health. I felt ready to date. Bring it on 2020!!!!!

Ha, jokes on me. 😂 Dating is difficult to begin with, dating at 50+ I was prepared for. CV19....not so much. Especially in CA. It feels like a lot of people are just sorta limping thru the rest of this year or something? No real effort. The fires have been emotionally draining too.

Iím thinking about shutting my profiles down as well for 30 days and see how I feel then. TBD?

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 10:15 PM, September 23rd (Wednesday)]

Chili posted 9/23/2020 19:26 PM

Nah - you're not flying over the cuckoo nest or anything LE.

I was where you are about the stage where you're at (minus the whole strange world situation). As a matter of fact, one of the stories I tell around here is of some guy flirting with me over tomatoes in the grocery store and I wanted to bash his face in. Yeah - I was kinda not interested in dating.

I was also kind of pukey about the whole idea of intimacy - both physically and emotionally.

My game plan was dog, job, house, friends I already had lifetime relationships with, family, and godkids. Everything else could fuck right off. Small world you say? Exactly what I was needing. Maybe it was kind of jaded or being protective, but that was my solid plan. I was done with that "relationship" bullshit. (Proclamations were my thing back then).

And then things morphed. Slowly. And I met new people and did new things and my dog helped me open up my emotions again and when SO dropped into my life, there it was.

I don't necessarily think I want to be alone forever either (and I'm certainly older than you). But remember how we've both had those posts about "with someone" meaning all different kinds of things. You could live with a girlfriend and date. You could live alone and have a part-time man. It took me a long time to realize I had a lot of other options besides 1. married and 2. alone. And the whole thing with SO has certainly not been "traditional."

I think the trick here is that you're rocking your current alone situation. And when and if you decide to expand your world, then you'll know exactly what you want. And you'll know how to advocate for yourself and even end relationships gracefully if you need to.

And give yourself permission to change your mind as you move through this. Oh - and keep rambling. That's good stuff to put it on the table just take a look at it.

[This message edited by Chili at 7:28 PM, September 23rd (Wednesday)]

Fablegirl posted 9/23/2020 19:54 PM

I am envious.

crazyblindsided posted 9/23/2020 20:47 PM

No you aren't the only one. I also have no desire to be in a relationship again. I still have a lot of work to do on myself, work that I hope will help me when the time comes to date. I'm just not interested in doing the dance again. I don't want to be pressured for sex all the time with a mate and I don't want to be scrutinized about it. I'm not even sure I like the complexities of a relationship anymore. Guess time will tell.

thebighurt posted 9/23/2020 23:13 PM

for right now I am 90% happy being on my own and not having to deal with someone else's crap.
Yup, me too. Only more than 90%. Check how many years I have been here.... not one date in that time. Not interested. Did OLD for a short while but quit when there appeared to be an interest from any men. More like checking things out but not for real. Too many bad relationships memories.

My DSs pretty much had to be hit over the head with a club and dragged away by the hair cavewoman style because they didn't recognize (or believe) anyone was actually interested in them, according to their wives. Maybe they take after me but no one dragged me away?

Or maybe my total lack of interest in it repelled anyone who may have been interested? Not sure I would notice if anyone was showing any. I have recognized that I smile a lot and easily converse and that may indicate interest to some people; have had nice conversations with men, but I always left without looking for any followup. Just no interest on my part. I like not having to consult someone about my plans. Love doing whatever, whenever.

[This message edited by thebighurt at 11:14 PM, September 23rd (Wednesday)]

DevastatedDee posted 9/24/2020 08:45 AM

You are not alone. I think of dating and I just feel tired, lol. It sounds like a lot of drama right now. I wonder if it's just that the last year of my marriage was so high drama and exhausting that it has turned me off of even bothering with relationships for a while. Then again, I have always enjoyed being single and on my own. I don't feel like I'm missing anything by not having a partner. Well, sex, but I could just random booty-call that were it not for a pandemic that would make that feel extra irresponsible.

Even fun dating has it's drama. Falling in love takes a lot of energy and really distracts you from everything else. Worrying about did he text back yet and so on, blah blah blah. It just sounds soooo exhausting. I've flirted here and there and that's fun, but I don't feel the need to actually date anyone.

I joke about becoming the crazy old dog lady, but I'm not exactly horrified by that prospect, ha ha ha. It annoys me some that friends and family seem to think that I'm so damaged that I can't date, but I don't think that's it. I think I'm just happy where I am in life and enjoying the peace and I'm not ready to disturb that by going on a man-hunt.

EvenKeel posted 9/24/2020 09:07 AM

Oh Ellie - there is zilch wrong with you. Your heart was broken and it has a defense mechanism now.

I am ten years out so I wanted to share with you. I was in your shoes. Heck, when I did decide to date, I wouldn't even date someone in my OWN STATE because it was 'too close' for me.

When I did date (and enter in a few relationships), I was CERTAIN I could never love again. That part of me was broke forever - I said. Don't get me wrong, I could feel. Heck, I could even really like-like my BFs. But that was it.

But that part of my heart DID come back.

So do not fret over it too much. Your heart is telling you that you need time. Listen to it.

There are many folks on here that decided not to date. Not a darn thing wrong with that at all.

Other advice is if/when you do start to date. Be honest. My BF then knew I really felt that like-like was all I was ever capable of giving and he was ok with that. He loved me and was willing to take whatever part I was willing to share. AND he did think eventually I would open up more of my heart.

Meanwhile - enjoy this part of your book.

lilies21 posted 9/24/2020 14:23 PM

You're definitely not the only one! Dating is just one big headache I can do without. Going out on my own or with friends? Bring it on. Go on a date on one of the few nights I don't have my son? I'd rather stay home, wear comfortable clothes, and watch non-kid friendly TV .

Pandora16 posted 9/24/2020 19:35 PM

I feel the same way. Iím enjoying living by myself. The men who have asked me out... I feel like theyíre kind of predatory. Like several of them were attracted to my vulnerability following being cheated on.

My dog is great company. Maybe someone will break through but right now, I just am not interested in dating AT ALL.

Justsomeguy posted 9/24/2020 20:13 PM

I tried OLD for like 5 minutes before I hid my profile. It's been two years since I pulled the plug. I dated, but it did not work out. I think I miss her more than my x. I've been single for 7 months and I am a ball of contradictions. I am starting to think I am absolutely fucked in the head. Im lonely and terrified of dating again. I imagine being with someone as I fall asleep, but the prospect of meeting someone freaks me out. I dont miss my skanky ex, I just miss being a husband. I didn't sign up for any of this.

Justsomeguy posted 9/24/2020 20:13 PM

Dup. Shitty phone...

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 8:14 PM, September 24th (Thursday)]

Justsomeguy posted 9/24/2020 20:13 PM


[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 8:14 PM, September 24th (Thursday)]

SallyShrink81 posted 9/24/2020 21:26 PM

Nope. Honestly I don't know why the expectation/assumption is that to be "recovered" we need to date or be in a relationship. I remember telling my grandma who is now 101 when I started dating SO she was incredibly relieved. It was fairly insulting since I'm successful, happy, a great mother, etc but she was worried that I wasn't in a relationship. Weird. As long as you are happy and living life how you want then do it!!

J707 posted 9/25/2020 08:57 AM

I'm with ya! I'm enjoying this part of my life post D. I have my time with my kids, it's awesome! When they are not here, I have my time by myself. I've been sick of everybody's bullshit that 2020 is, sometimes myself included
At some point I'll date. Not sure when. But for now, I'm enjoying this small period of my life being single.

countrydirt posted 9/26/2020 07:36 AM

I've been talking to my best friend about this lately. She's been in a number of long term relationships her entire adult life and I'm exiting 31 year marriage. We agree that people ought to leave us alone and let us just be out there, enjoying life and making friends, but no romance. And don't worry about my friend and I - we are both attracted to the same gender!

BrokenheartedUK posted 9/26/2020 11:03 AM

Absolutely normal. I missed sex pretty quickly at the end of my M, but it was pretty easy to find NSA sexual partners but there was no way I was interested in any of the compromises that a relationship would require. For years.

Now... hmmm... I'm getting there. I've had an extremely patient, fully dependable and trustworthy SO that has waited for me to get there. I've almost empty nested recently (oldest moved back in following college graduation to job search) and I finally feel that I have the bandwidth for compromise and all the other relationshippy stuff that I just didn't before. It takes time and flexibility to want to have a relationship. After the bruising that the aftermath of the A and the D (and in my case, international relocation) I just needed to not sacrifice a single moment of my own needs and time to any one other than my kids. Lean into this time and enjoy your space. When/if you're ready pay close attention and make a good choice. This is the perfect time to hunker down and enjoy your solitude.

LadyG posted 9/26/2020 18:30 PM

Zero desire for me is normal.

I was recently contacted by a man who attended my High School.

We chat on the phone but I donít think that I want to meet him or even date. We are chat buddies. I think heís far more lonely than I, even though he has lots of family and goes out often.

I am concerned that he reminds me of my Late friend who passed away last August. I am terrified to get close to anyone ever again.

Every man I have ever loved has died. It sucks big time.

This guy wants to meet up with me once our Covid restrictionists ease up. He is attracted to my looks, me not so much to his. I may make a new friend, only time will tell, but I donít want to hurt him as I have no desire to get close.

BearlyBreathing posted 9/26/2020 18:39 PM

Iíve only started thinking I want to date. And it really began after I made some strides in my healing. You do you, and do it in your own time.

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