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I Can Relate :
Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 4

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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 11:38 PM on Monday, February 1st, 2021

ThrownAway99,

How are YOU doing dealing with the first birthday of your WH since he passed away?

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2102   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8629796
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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 12:02 AM on Tuesday, February 2nd, 2021

20yrs - the day came and went. But I made damn sure I talked to my kids about how they wanted to remember their Dad on that day. So strange...but I don’t grieve. I think I was out of love with him long before even my first DDay, I just didn’t realize it at the time. Honestly, most days I am good. My only issues are anger (which is warranted) and I tend to still try to dig for the truth...something I know in my head I will never get but the rest of me still needs to get on board with it. The not grieving thing makes me pause also...why don’t I miss him. I spent 25 years with him, a normal person would grieve but I think his betrayal was so vast and marriage was so far gone (without me realizing it) there is nothing to grieve. Not sure if that makes any sense at all.

Thank you for caring enough to ask...maybe I am screwed up. Lol

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -3 yr LTA affair ended 2016/2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair with AP1

posts: 516   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8629801
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UnstuffedGiraffe ( member #74937) posted at 1:50 AM on Tuesday, February 2nd, 2021

Throwaway, maybe you already grieved the end of the marriage or maybe it will hit you some time in the future, it may be a good topic for IC. You’re in an unusual position but your reaction to it probably isn’t as unusual as it feels. It looks like your MIL is answering at least one question, you know where you WH got his emotional intelligence.

Me BW - Married 20 years
Him - 2 Affairs 9 years apart
DDay October-December 2019 & July 2020

posts: 226   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2020   ·   location: Texas
id 8629820
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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 3:23 AM on Tuesday, February 2nd, 2021

You are right about the grieving...my kids are actually doing relatively okay also. We started grieving long before he died...cancer was a long haul and frankly horrible to watch someone go through. As awful as he was, I wouldn’t wish what he went though on anyone.

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -3 yr LTA affair ended 2016/2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair with AP1

posts: 516   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8629848
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 3:48 AM on Tuesday, February 2nd, 2021

Gently, why would you grieve the loss of something terrible?

I would think it would be a relief. He can no longer lie to you, he can’t cheat anymore

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2102   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8629862
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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 11:24 AM on Tuesday, February 2nd, 2021

20yrs - you are totally right. For the entire length of time that WH had cancer...you life (and our kids lives) stopped in time...it’s an odd limbo. Your entire life becomes cancer....the next scan, the next treatment, the next surgery. It consumes everything...there are no longer any conversations or moments without cancer being there. And from the day he was diagnosed, I knew in my heart from the type of cancer he had...what the final outcome was going to be. I had well of 2 years knowing someday my kids and I were going to have to start over.

Fast forward and I found out about his double life...and my eyes got opened to see this horrible selfish broken person. Looking back I don’t even know how I got through each day.

By the time he was nearing the end...my kids and I were praying for it. He had no quality of life and he was mean and angry. There were glimpses of the man I married but overall his true self showed and he was a disappointment. I hate that for my kids. When he finally passed, we all felt relieved. The suffering was over and my kids could finally start to live again. They could (and me) start a new life..cancer wasn’t hanging over us and trapping us anymore.

And for me...infidelity was gone...living with the person who hurt and betrayed you and blamed you for their lack of character was over. It is so very much more peaceful now. So yes...I guess I have grieved...for years but just not now anymore.

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -3 yr LTA affair ended 2016/2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair with AP1

posts: 516   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8629906
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 11:33 AM on Tuesday, February 2nd, 2021

(((Hugs))) Thrownaway

What you said makes absolute sense to me

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2102   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8629907
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LadyG ( member #74337) posted at 1:30 AM on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2021

Hi Womenz,

Just reading through everything ThrownAway999 has gone through.

Several of you have asked why I would want to have anything to do with my WH after all the terrible things he’s done.

WH has also been going through treatment for stomach cancer. 6 weeks of cancer treatment, with me playing driver, nurse and carer.

Since his diagnosis WH has acted like a man on his death bed. Confessing all. Heck he even wanted me to take him to church. (I didn’t go, I couldn’t). I saw a glimpse of remorse and fear.

He was going all out to try to win me back. His words, not mine. He wishes he had been a decent human being, especially a better husband. He understands that it’s too late for that, he has Cancer. He could die from this. He hasn’t been given the all clear. I take him back for a test Friday.

This past Sunday WH confessed that he had half a $mil stashed away. He wants to share it with me. It’s actually our money. I knew that he had been stealing from me, I accounted for about 100k.

The reason we have been holidaying in the countryside and seaside. WH wants to use the money to buy me a new holiday home. He is renovating our family home and last year did repairs to another property we own.

The prospect of having the cash and a holiday home didn’t excite me. When WH confessed that he had this money, I didn’t get excited. I should have felt excited. Who couldn’t use this kind of money. I don’t care about the money. Money has never impressed me and he knows this. We’ve known each other 35 years.

So why, I am being a decent person to WH. Because that’s me.

Wh thinks that he will die soon. He doesn’t want me to divorce him for this reason. Why bother. I suppose we can be separated indefinitely.

I will ensure that our children are always put first. I asked WH to put that money towards our children’s futures.

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Chronic Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 939   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8630114
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 10:32 AM on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2021

Absolutely feel the same LadyG

If you have money, but are married to a Cheater, you are poor

Fidelity and honesty are life’s riches

Without them, you are destitute

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2102   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8630165
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LadyG ( member #74337) posted at 9:52 PM on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2021

20yrsagoBS, thank you for your wise words.

I am back to minus zero as a human being.

WH and his TT and confessions have me spiralling into the depths of depression once more. He has reduced me to nothing. I am nothing.

He professes that he loves me and tells me that I am the love of his life. But I don’t feel it. After everything that he has done to destroy me and our family I can’t feel it. I feel nothing.

He wants a chance, once again. Hope once again. Yet he cannot tell me how things are going to be different this time.

If he survives this cancer what then? I wish him well, but I feel no joy.

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Chronic Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 939   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8630320
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 10:03 PM on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2021

LadyG this is exactly why I recommend you 180 his ass hard. You are under ZERO obligation to do anything for him - I don't care if he has cancer or not.

And all this "I love you" crap he's spouting is the same as people in jail finding Jesus. It rarely lasts after they get out. He's saying it because he is scared and facing his mortality. Were I in your position, I'd be extremely skeptical of any of it.

So what if he does survive this? Are you going to stay married and stuck in this sick toxic dance with him? Don't you deserve more than that? If he won't change (which he won't), YOU have to. It sucks and it's not fair, but you are keeping yourself in this at this point and you don't have to stay in it.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3145   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8630323
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LadyG ( member #74337) posted at 10:28 PM on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2021

EllieKMAS, thank you.

I know that there are only so many times that you can go to hell and back...

I will take him to the hospital appointment tomorrow.

I still have a restraining order, forbidden him from contacting me or visiting me or my apartment.

Regardless of his results tomorrow, I am done with him. 180!

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Chronic Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 939   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8630332
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 11:58 PM on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2021

180=No New Hurts

You have plenty of hurts to work through, you don’t need more

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2102   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8630359
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gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 12:36 AM on Thursday, February 4th, 2021

I still have a restraining order

I dunno what the law is in your area, but there are many places in the US where if the holder of the RO willingly engages with the person against whom the RO is issued, the RO can become void.

He fired you as his wife years & years ago. It's not your job to hold his hand through this.

180 and NC no new hurts.

I apologize for the 2x4, but it all sounds EXTREMELY unhealthy for you, for your kids, and even for your WH.

You say he's got cancer and could die - and that you want to be a "decent person" by helping him. How does that "help" extend to going on a beach trip with him to scout out a new holiday home that you are not even "excited" about?

And then you say that you are "minus zero as a human being" bc of his new revelations.

** do you not see a connection there?

Being "decent" does NOT mean being a doormat. "No" is a complete sentence.

You say that $ doesn't excite you, but a lot of your posts are indeed about $$$ (and not chump change that folks like me are sweating about). If $ wasn't an issue, and your emotional well being was paramount, then why even entertain anything about a holiday home? Why allow him to renovate your family home, which serves to subject yourself to more of his bullshit?

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3373   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8630373
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skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 12:42 AM on Thursday, February 4th, 2021

He professes that he loves me and tells me that I am the love of his life. But I don’t feel it. After everything that he has done to destroy me and our family I can’t feel it. I feel nothing.

Being in proximity to these people is a poison. He's taken away your joy so quickly. He may be a pathetic figure with his health - although you say he has an all clear - so that doesn't sound like a death sentence. Either way, they can seem very pitiable but that doesn't mean you need to be by his side. What's the use of destroying you? What good comes of that?

He's made his bed and I know you'd be there to tuck him in if he wasn't sucking the life out of you - I'd do the same - but we can't. We have to save ourselves from them.

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1165   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8630377
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LadyG ( member #74337) posted at 3:12 AM on Thursday, February 4th, 2021

I hear you all.

The family Xmas holiday was supposed to be just that.

I didn’t ask WH about money, holiday house hunting etc.

Why he confessed to me? I have no idea. I didn’t ask. I can only assume that he was trying to make good.

He owes me the renovation on our family home at very least, as he has trashed it since I vacated almost 2 years ago.

I needed this time to pass. I can for the first time, walk through my old house and feel nothing. 12 months ago, I couldn’t go inside without feeling traumatised. It’s bricks and mortar. It’s not my home.

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Chronic Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 939   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8630397
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 4:22 PM on Thursday, February 4th, 2021

Hi Goddesses!!

After a point, do you find yourself completely devoid of ANY drive to get free, search for a new partner in life, and try to be happy again?

I admit, I have grown complacent. I’m so accustomed to the cheating/lying being the 800 pound gorilla in the room, that I don’t see beyond it

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2102   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8630520
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 7:07 PM on Thursday, February 4th, 2021

After a point, do you find yourself completely devoid of ANY drive to get free, search for a new partner in life, and try to be happy again?

I was in limbo for a long time and my STBX literally drove me insane. I was miserable for so long that one day I just woke up and realized I didn't want to spend one more second of my precious time on earth with this man.

fBS/fWS (me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:50 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 24 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8041   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8630551
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 7:32 PM on Thursday, February 4th, 2021

Thank You Crazyblindsided!

I said some thing akin to this to WH, telling him I think being busy with my career is delaying the executable wake up and be done.

He thinks he can nice me back into trying again.

Since the last big revelation in December 2017, I don’t want him, don’t like him, and have no motivation to work on anything with him

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2102   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8630556
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LadyG ( member #74337) posted at 1:37 AM on Friday, February 5th, 2021

After a point, do you find yourself completely devoid of ANY drive to get free, search for a new partner in life, and try to be happy again?

I think I hit that point last December. Although I have my own place, my short lived new boyfriend made me realise that I just couldn’t go through with it. I am content with being alone.

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Chronic Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 939   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8630644
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