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I Can Relate :
Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 4

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UnstuffedGiraffe ( Member #74937) posted at 7:32 PM on Wednesday, February 10th, 2021

I'm learning to manage the damn lizard brain that's gone haywire

That is my main goal in IC. I managed to find someone older with recent education. I’ve only had a few visits but, I think I may have found a good fit.

Me BW - Married 20 years
Him - 2 Affairs 9 years apart
DDay October-December 2019 & July 2020

posts: 226   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2020   ·   location: Texas
id 8632182
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Throwaway999 ( Member #72413) posted at 11:04 AM on Thursday, February 11th, 2021

Thank you all for your insights in choosing a good IC. I originally called the therapist who saw us twice for MC...I liked her but at the time, going to MC was the wrong choice for us as it was so early on after discovery and frankly, my WH lied to her face as well as mine during the sessions. My thinking was well at least she met him and would have some reference. Her schedule is full so I have been referred to her colleague who will have all of the notes from our 2 sessions.

I going to listen to that podcast this weekend and write of list of questions for her. My old IC was very nice and I think experienced but she really told me nothing different that what my friends would tell me or what I gained from reading here. Everyone on SI has great insight and solid advice.

Honestly most days I feel mentally good....having obvious NC and being 100% out of infidelity has helped me heal by leaps and bounds. I just want to make sure that I am on the right track and work on my self worth a bit more as I still have moments of self doubt. Hearing what a shitty and horrible person I was from my WH did take a toll on my self esteem. My head knows it was all just his shit excuses, justifications and re-writing our history but it did some damage. He truly never left the wayward mindset.

And I want to be able to support my kids...I have to get my own crap together so I can be there for them. Two have mental health issues.

A few years ago I had coffee with a bunch of Mom’s from when my kids were in kindergarten....about 8 Mom’s in total. Every single one of them had at least one child struggling with mental health, on medication for it or in therapy. My son says mental health issues are rampant in their age group (teens to early twenties)...he believes it’s due to social media...and frankly in my opinion it’s going to be worse as these kids grow up with the effects of a year of isolation due lockdowns.

Anyway...thanks as always to everyone...you are lifesavers!

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -3 yr LTA affair ended 2016/2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair with AP1

posts: 516   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8632337
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UnstuffedGiraffe ( Member #74937) posted at 12:07 PM on Thursday, February 11th, 2021

and frankly in my opinion it’s going to be worse as these kids grow up with the effects of a year of isolation due lockdowns

I’m afraid you’re probably right. I’m also concerned about very young kids (daycare-preK) still developing language and communication skills wearing masks all day with adults also wearing masks and not learning to read facial expressions.

Me BW - Married 20 years
Him - 2 Affairs 9 years apart
DDay October-December 2019 & July 2020

posts: 226   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2020   ·   location: Texas
id 8632340
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Throwaway999 ( Member #72413) posted at 12:59 PM on Thursday, February 11th, 2021

Unstuffed - I hate to admit but I am shocked at my own kids lack of ability to communicate face to face. Thankfully they all had part time jobs in high school which helped them learn how to talk to adults and integrate with people with different personalities and my eldest who is starting his career is getting so much better...he has to do zoom calls all the time. Buts it’s not the same as face to face communication. Texting allows people to say things that they would never dream of saying in person. And frankly increases the ease of bullying which led to my daughter’s issues...long before Covid, cancer and infidelity came into our lives.

And for the little ones, Covid is teaching them the opposite of how we raised our kids...hugging, sharing toys and being able to play with each other. It’s sad.

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -3 yr LTA affair ended 2016/2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair with AP1

posts: 516   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8632344
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UnstuffedGiraffe ( Member #74937) posted at 9:18 PM on Thursday, February 11th, 2021

Getting a job in high school helped me talk to people a lot. Even today if I’m talking to you and not getting paid for it you’re one of the privileged few. My husband gets the communication failure award for to day. And his response to me being triggered come hang out with us. Us being his annoying friend who stays for days and is encouraging him to make poor financial decisions and his mom the enabler. I need to get out of the house, I need a really long bike ride but it’s wet and fucking cold, the kids are likely get another snow day next week and the sun isn’t due out for another week.

Me BW - Married 20 years
Him - 2 Affairs 9 years apart
DDay October-December 2019 & July 2020

posts: 226   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2020   ·   location: Texas
id 8632493
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Throwaway999 ( Member #72413) posted at 3:26 AM on Friday, February 12th, 2021

Unstuffed- I am sorry you are having a rough day...all of this sucks. Hang in there...sending you a hug.

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -3 yr LTA affair ended 2016/2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair with AP1

posts: 516   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8632567
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20yrsagoBS ( Member #55272) posted at 3:33 AM on Friday, February 12th, 2021

AwUnstuffed! I saw something on the news about the terrible weather in Texas. Plus be safe!

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2101   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8632569
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UnstuffedGiraffe ( Member #74937) posted at 11:49 AM on Friday, February 12th, 2021

Thanks y’all everything not on the ground is covered in ice, still trying to convince my boss I shouldn’t go to work today. The kids are going to school online today. After Yesterday I want to go to work and get out of the house but don’t want to drive over any icy bridges. I also want my husband’s friend to go home he’s still here because the weather is worse where he’s going. I’m ready to move to Hawaii.

Me BW - Married 20 years
Him - 2 Affairs 9 years apart
DDay October-December 2019 & July 2020

posts: 226   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2020   ·   location: Texas
id 8632638
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Throwaway999 ( Member #72413) posted at 6:29 PM on Sunday, February 14th, 2021

Happy Gal-atine’s Ladies!

So my Vent for the day (mostly because I feel

like I am going to explode if I don’t). I was deactivating WH’s fuckbook. And downloaded his data first. He had always told me he was never active or used FB...for years and years he said this. Well no surprise I guess when the data showed 1000’s of activations then 2-3 minutes later a deactivation. This continued for years past when his said he had stopped cheating. I figure he activated...sent messages or answered messages then quickly deactivated so I would never know. All up until he got cancer then, I assume he stopped cheating.

Just another layer to the lies. Always believe the worst you guys told me and every time I feel there is no more to find out...there is. Another stab in my heart from his lies and cheating.

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -3 yr LTA affair ended 2016/2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair with AP1

posts: 516   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8633235
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LadyG ( Member #74337) posted at 11:11 PM on Sunday, February 14th, 2021

Throwaway999, I hate FB. I deactivated my account but can reactive if I login using a code sent to my phone or email, but that stopped working. Turns out my STBXWH tried hacking into my FB account and now it’s locked me out for good!

We started another 5 day hard lockdown Friday night. Covid escaped hotel quarantine once again. I just couldn’t be bothered with getting out of bed today anyway. I had another nightmare last night. Haven’t slept.

My DS is 24 tomorrow and I have ordered him his favourite cake which I may not be able to pick up now. I couldn’t believe the nerve of WH asking me to get him cake too. It’s his freakin birthday Wednesday. He’s 58 and still wants a cake. Screw him. The last time I bought him a birthday cake he didn’t even touch it and ran off to see his whore/AP And they went out for drinks. I am never getting that man anything ever again. And fuck his birthday. His favourite gift, a Fuck! Something I don’t give. Happy Monday ladies.

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Chronic Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 938   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8633292
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UnstuffedGiraffe ( Member #74937) posted at 2:43 AM on Monday, February 15th, 2021

It’s snowing, I hate snow.

Facebook sucks, husband is no longer on there. I have been checking my memories daily for context on the first affair. The affair supposedly ended some time in February which seems to be about the time I finally started to get a break from the relentless teething and sleep deprivation. I have almost completely stopped posting on FB it’s become a pretty toxic place.

Birthday cake is awesome, I’ve found the best way to get one is to buy your own.

Me BW - Married 20 years
Him - 2 Affairs 9 years apart
DDay October-December 2019 & July 2020

posts: 226   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2020   ·   location: Texas
id 8633324
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20yrsagoBS ( Member #55272) posted at 6:52 PM on Monday, February 15th, 2021

Hi Goddesses!

We spent the weekend at Walt Disneyworld.

We met our daughter for dinner Saturday night

I woke up Sunday morning and asked WH when he stopped liking his last AP.

He said on DDay when he saw the result of what his relationship with her caused

I told him it wasn’t his relationship with her that caused it, it’s the fucked up part of him that thought it was ok to engage in that to begin with

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2101   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8633459
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LadyG ( Member #74337) posted at 9:27 PM on Monday, February 15th, 2021

20yrsagoBS, were there lots of witches at Walt Disneyworld?

One of the rare conversations I had with WH about AP, I realised that the last whore/AP looks like a typical Disney Witch. WH agreed, saying, ‘I know right. And ironically that I look like a typical Disney Princess’. It’s laughable, but true.

Apparently WH stopped liking the AP just before the last Dday when his mother saw them together and was horrified that the AP was so unattractive. The negative comments about the AP from WH’s “friends” also turned him off her.

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Chronic Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 938   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8633489
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Throwaway999 ( Member #72413) posted at 11:14 AM on Tuesday, February 16th, 2021

I don’t think my WH ever didn’t like his AP’s...he defended them and never said a bad word about them ever. Whenever I would go off on a triade about what kind of a person would knowingly carrying on affair with someone for years knowing they had a wife and young kids....he said nothing. He never saw them in their true light...but having said that...he also believed all of the lies he told himself about me to justify his affairs. I think he truly believed his own bullshit and just never respected me enough. He would always say “it was his fault he cheated, but”...then continue on with the long list of my faults.

I am lucky however...not a single person who knows me believed his bullshit....except maybe his mother.

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -3 yr LTA affair ended 2016/2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair with AP1

posts: 516   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8633569
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20yrsagoBS ( Member #55272) posted at 1:51 PM on Tuesday, February 16th, 2021

II have to wonder if our Cheaters entered into the relationships with us for fear of someone else getting us first? Or actually love?

I doubt mine actually wanted to promise monogamy, he just knew that I wanted that.

So he paid the lip service of promising it to trap me

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2101   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8633588
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UnstuffedGiraffe ( Member #74937) posted at 4:46 PM on Tuesday, February 16th, 2021

I am lucky however...not a single person who knows me believed his bullshit....except maybe his mother.

I feel that.

I have to wonder if our Cheaters entered into the relationships with us for fear of someone else getting us first? Or actually love?

I’d love to know what was going through his head. I know things moved a lot faster than any relationship I’d ever been in.

Me BW - Married 20 years
Him - 2 Affairs 9 years apart
DDay October-December 2019 & July 2020

posts: 226   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2020   ·   location: Texas
id 8633625
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Outoflove2020 ( Member #72682) posted at 5:01 PM on Tuesday, February 16th, 2021

Really struggling at the moment. Miss the kids something terrible. As a pseudo step parent, I’m just supposed to turn off the feelings and walk away after the break up? They aren’t mine biologically but holy crap I love them like they were. But that doesn’t get factored in during a breakup. I’m supposed to just walk away and be ok with it?

I know this is triggered by the fact that I sent them both little Valentine’s gifts and haven’t heard anything from either of them. I didn’t do it for that but holy crap, does it make me feel insignificant. I know these are my issues, I should not and will not put it on them. Especially the youngest, she’s only 11. She’s going through a lot of shit, including her mum’s broken engagement (not really a surprise). I figured this was a way to respect her boundaries but show her I love her. Maybe it was wrong. I have no clue.

It really really hurts. Why do I even continue to try and do the right thing, when I just end up crying from heartbreak again and again. . Imagine if it was a “real” parent who hasn’t seen or had contact with their own kids who they love and miss. We’d be up in arms. But I was just a step parent, so hey, I will just move on.

How could he bring me into their lives, allowing me to fall in love with them and care for them only to selfishly cheat and tear them away. The thought of someone else bonding with her, well, that just sends me into a pain spiral. I don’t give a shit about him meeting someone else for him, but the thought of his daughter having a new step mom and hen I just fade away.....I know it’s not about me, it’s about them, but I will never forgive him. Never. The pain is unbelievable.

I don’t feel like anyone IRL understands. They weren’t my kids so why am I so invested in them? I need to let them go, I need to move on.

Easier said than done. Nobody thinks to let me know how they are doing. No one reaches out to me about them to share stuff about them. It’s like I’ve been erased.

[This message edited by Outoflove2020 at 11:02 AM, February 16th, 2021 (Tuesday)]

DDay 1/15/2020.
Separated 3/1/2020

Still healing but in a better place

posts: 375   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2020   ·   location: DC Area
id 8633634
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Outoflove2020 ( Member #72682) posted at 6:59 PM on Tuesday, February 16th, 2021

I've calmed down now, for the time being. Feel a bit numb to be honest, but I know it will pass. The last few days have felt like I was back in the aftermath of DDay. Actual, physical pain, bent over it was so bad. I thought those intense days were long behind me.

I've also just finished with my first round of first's, the last being Feb 9th which is when I moved out into the Air BnB and I honestly, and truly believed it would only be for a couple of months as there was NO way he wouldn't pull his head out of his ass, right? Oh how naive. I think my body has really been keeping score as I've been reliving the absolute emotional and mental misery and hell I was in, while living in that Air BnB. I'm sure it's all a factor.

Feel a bit empty now. But it's better than the pain. Holy crap, does this never end? I've been doing so friggin' well lately, I really have. Am working on buying my own place, have trips planned, things are going really well at work. Then this comes out of nowhere. I've taken the afternoon off work as a half sick day. I'm going to drink tea and just read. And try and be kind to myself and learn something from the last two days.

[This message edited by Outoflove2020 at 1:00 PM, February 16th, 2021 (Tuesday)]

DDay 1/15/2020.
Separated 3/1/2020

Still healing but in a better place

posts: 375   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2020   ·   location: DC Area
id 8633663
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skeetermooch ( Member #72169) posted at 8:07 PM on Tuesday, February 16th, 2021

OOL, you have a lot of grieving between your ex and the children. My heart goes out to you.

It gets easier and it takes way too long to happen. But you'll get there. It sounds like you're doing all of the right things.

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1165   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8633679
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20yrsagoBS ( Member #55272) posted at 9:15 PM on Tuesday, February 16th, 2021

Aw OOL

You sound like you need a big hug!

Consider this a virtual one!

You’re doing a good thing for those kids by showing them they are loved despite having a monster for a father

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2101   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8633687
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