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I Can Relate :
Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 4

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TruthIsPower ( member #75776) posted at 9:30 PM on Friday, May 27th, 2022

Gracey,

Is it possible for him to love two people at once?

My fWH tried to bring this argument (LOL! Looks like from a cheater's playbook). Then, it hit me, and I told him that he's unable to even truly love 1 person. And moreover, he did not love himself first and foremost. It was time to take a serious look into his soul and fix his brokenness. It was on him.
So, you make your own conclusion.

"Stop giving people the reasons to love you. Not all will see the beauty of your soul. Those who know, those who know who you are, will love you with something fierce and never let you go. Those are the ones worth holding out for."

posts: 230   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2020   ·   location: US
id 8737539
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 6:26 AM on Sunday, May 29th, 2022

Had an AHA! moment today. My SIL mentioned something about the wedding. I asked, What wedding? " and she looked at me funny.

This was a real LOL moment. XWH is getting married in a couple of weeks and I totally forgot.

So glad I can say, Not my monkeys, not my circus.

Feel bad for my kids who don't really want to deal with their dad's dysfunction.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1496   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8737700
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Gracey ( new member #79334) posted at 9:49 PM on Tuesday, May 31st, 2022

Hi, Just wondering how many women on here are experiencing trickle truth still after two years from d day. It hurts so much that I am still finding out things that were originally denied. The whole situation is exhausting. Overheard a conversation WH had with his mate, it confirmed he has stopped seeing AP, however it also revealed WH still is very much thinking of AP as he asked his mate if anyone had heard from her. I have not revealed that I overheard all of this as it seems pointless. WH is showing genuine affection toward me and I believe he is confused as to what he wants although that could be wishful thinking.
Any advice as to how I can get him to discuss this rather than deny that he feels anything still for AP? I feel like I am alone with my worries about this re starting as I have no one to confide in.

Together 33 years Married. 17 years

posts: 40   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2021   ·   location: United Kingdom
id 8737973
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 10:22 PM on Tuesday, May 31st, 2022

Yes!


WH still lies, lies, lies


Last night he tried to spoon me in bed. I tensed up

He asked " Is this ok to do?"

I told him it wasn’t because I don’t like him

I still love him, would be sad if he died before fixing his shit


But, nope, intense dislike

He must dislike me if he lies

BW, 54 WH 53 When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2193   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8737980
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TruthIsPower ( member #75776) posted at 10:41 PM on Tuesday, May 31st, 2022

Gracey,
please help us understand if you and your WH are in R first of all.... Since from your message it's not quite clear: looks like your WH is still in his wayward thinking. Have you set your R requirements? If yes, what were the outcome and agreement?

Yes, I was TT'ed for 1.5 years. It was brutal. So, I very much understand what you're talking about....

"Stop giving people the reasons to love you. Not all will see the beauty of your soul. Those who know, those who know who you are, will love you with something fierce and never let you go. Those are the ones worth holding out for."

posts: 230   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2020   ·   location: US
id 8737985
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EnPedasos ( new member #79857) posted at 9:22 PM on Friday, June 3rd, 2022

Good day ladies

I need help

I was ready to file for D a month after Dday but I believe that is unwise to make life changing decisions when you’re emotionally unstable. duh

I kicked him out of the house and told him I was giving him 6 months. Of course he ran straight to the mow. They lived together for 2 months.

He’s in IC, involved in our son’s school and therapies and trying to breach communication with our daughter, doing things around the house etc. this has been going on for around 6 weeks.

The issue is I don’t think I have romantic feelings for him anymore. At the beginning I was angry but willing to R.

He did so much damage during and for 3 months after the A. I don’t think I have the capacity to get over everything that was said and done.

I come from a broken family so since I was little I always wanted a complete family, I don’t want this to be the only deciding factor to R.

I would appreciate any opinions or insights.
My concern is with myself he’s willing to comply with all my requirements.


By the way I remember seeing a list of requirements somewhere I would like to see if there’s anything I can add to my list.

Thank you

Dd was 12/15/21. Me BS 43Him WH 43
20 years 14M 18DD 8DS

You can ignore reality but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.

"Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides." –André Malraux

posts: 34   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2022
id 8738549
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 4:11 AM on Sunday, June 5th, 2022

Gracey, I am sorry to see you struggling. I sincerely think you need to go to marriage counselling. And you need a good one, which is not easy to find.

They can help you see things differently, and understand. I think talking openly about the hurt and loss of trust is important. There is no marriage without truth or trust.

IMHO if you tell him no AP ever. It is no AP. He should want that.

As for lying, my ex never really stopped. That is why he is an ex.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 2020   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8738698
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Dorothy123 ( member #53116) posted at 4:45 PM on Thursday, June 9th, 2022

I, too, am a member of this club nobody wants to join.

Just saying.

posts: 5271   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2016   ·   location: a place that hurts
id 8739350
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 12:24 AM on Saturday, June 18th, 2022

Isn’t being alone better than being with an asshole?

It is yes and I can vouch for this. My life has been harder in some ways (financially) but easier in others and it is still better than being with my XWS wink

Thankful that I no longer have to walk on eggshells to try to please somebody who is never happy. I won't have to go through a narc discard phase from him ever again! My kids are adults, with the youngest still at home with me, and we all get along & have fun as a family without having to incorporate the emotional vampire that is my XWH.

My XWS was the same way. He would suck the life out of the room as soon as he walked into it.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 12:26 AM, Saturday, June 18th]

fBS/fWS(me):49 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(19) DS(16)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8358   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8740779
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 12:30 AM on Saturday, June 18th, 2022

The issue is I don’t think I have romantic feelings for him anymore. At the beginning I was angry but willing to R.

He did so much damage during and for 3 months after the A. I don’t think I have the capacity to get over everything that was said and done.

I come from a broken family so since I was little I always wanted a complete family, I don’t want this to be the only deciding factor to R.

I lost all romantic feelings and love for my xWS after False R, sometimes the damage they do is just too much. I held my family in limbo because of my fear of a blended family and its going to probably happen anyways. Now that I'm out it doesn't seem that bad of an idea. A lot of times our fear holds us back from what we need to do. Don't let your fears guide R.

fBS/fWS(me):49 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(19) DS(16)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8358   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8740780
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 12:43 AM on Saturday, July 2nd, 2022

Asshole WH derisively tells me I diagnose his behavior. I actually don’t. I just struggle with comprehending why he does what he does


We went to visit his parents in New England a couple weeks ago. I realized my marriage to him did give me two precious aunts who I adore.


If I divorce him, do I lose them to?

It actually made me cry.


I told my MOL that I think I am done

She told me EH isn’t cheating anymore and is with me

She’s worried about me being alone later in life


I don’t think she understands being married to her son is being alone

BW, 54 WH 53 When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2193   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8743101
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BlackRaven ( member #74607) posted at 2:59 AM on Saturday, July 2nd, 2022

I'm not sure if this is a question "should I do this" or if it's a question "am I normal," but here it goes.

My xSAWH had several affairs (in addition to a couple of hookers). I know the names of two of the APs. From what he told me, the longest affair was the second, in 2005, with a co-worker, which ended after they were discovered in the office and told to knock it off. He says they did, though they continued to work together for several years. I know she had sex in my home. (He claims it wasn't in our bed but I can't see why he wouldn't have done that.) I know he bought her at least one gift.

So here's the thing. From time to time, I have the urge to contact her to try to learn if he minimized or withheld info from me. I know he lied about other things going through FTD even while passing his polygraph, which is why I finally called it quits. That lie was unrelated to his sexual acting out.

About two weeks after I found out about the lie and called off R, he was on a dating site. He was in a serious relationship within three months. They've been together for six months and he claims he's told her all about the affairs, the hookers etc.

I think maybe I think about contacting the old AP because I am looking for proof that he really is a pathological liar as I try to remind myself that I'm better off without him. (I'm still grieving what I thought I had.) And if he's a pathological liar, then it's unlikely that he really did tell the new gf everything. It's not that I feel I need to warn her, but rather knowing he's with someone else who apparently accepts him for who he is makes me wonder if I called off R too soon.

thanks

[This message edited by BlackRaven at 3:00 AM, Saturday, July 2nd]

posts: 339   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
id 8743115
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 2:39 AM on Monday, July 4th, 2022

BlackRaven, I am gonna share this with you because it REALLY helped me when I was in the what-if horrors...

*taps mic* *ahem* "CHANGING WHO THEY ARE WITH DOES NOT CHANGE WHO THEY ARE".

I would eat a bowl of snails if he has all of a sudden turned into a decent guy for this newest girl. Because I guarantee you he has not. You do not go from a lying serial cheater to a decent stand-up dewd in 6 months. It just doesn't happen. If they can even do that it takes YEARS of therapy and hard work to make it happen. Honestly ask yourself - does he have that in him?

What is more likely is that he's in the 'best behavior' flush to sucker in his newest victim and get her comfortable before being the same ol' lying McCheaterson he has always been. That the MO that has worked for him to date and I just don't think he will change it any time soon. And also, who knows why this other gal is falling for his bullshit? Just because she 'loves him for who he is' doesn't mean she has the faintest idea who he is really. Hell I was with my xwh for a decade and it turns out I didn't know who he was either!

As for contacting the AP(s)... My vote is NO. It is totally normal to have that urge, so I get wanting to do it. But even if they do tell you things, you have to consider the source. AP's rank below pond scum IMHO - I don't care what or how they say it because they are still the kind of people that willingly engage in affairs with married folks. So what if the AP does tell you that he lied more than you even knew? What effect would that have on you? Would it hurt you or heal you? If you aren't 10000% positive that it would HEAL you, then don't do it. Healing is the most important right now, so anything that doesn't serve that aim isn't something you should invest energy into.

It's okay to grieve right now. Having that dream die is so hard and painful and you honor yourself by grieving the loss of what you thought you had. But don't ever doubt that taking care of you and freeing yourself from a cheater is a bad thing.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3630   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8743288
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BlackRaven ( member #74607) posted at 3:01 AM on Monday, July 4th, 2022

EllieKMAS

*taps mic* *ahem* "CHANGING WHO THEY ARE WITH DOES NOT CHANGE WHO THEY ARE".

I would eat a bowl of snails if he has all of a sudden turned into a decent guy for this newest girl

Thank you. For the advice and the chuckle ;)

posts: 339   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
id 8743289
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 3:56 AM on Monday, July 4th, 2022

BlackRaven,

Don't contact the APs. Rarely does that turn out well. They aren't motivated to tell the truth.

Part of what happens during the relationship is called intermittent reinforcement. It kind of keeps you on the hook emotionally. They dangle the carrot in front of you. Later, you think that if you hold on a little bit longer that the nice guy will come back. They just mess with you to get what they want.

Ellie's post is spot-on.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1496   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8743295
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 12:15 AM on Monday, July 11th, 2022

WH tries to tell me he wouldn’t stop his affair with AP#3 because he was worried she would tell me about them


So he purposely kept it going to protect me from her telling me about their affair

No, she never actually threatened to.He simply surmised that


Do I look stupid?

BW, 54 WH 53 When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2193   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8744135
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BlackRaven ( member #74607) posted at 4:11 AM on Thursday, July 14th, 2022

20yrsagoBS

Do I look stupid?

I've never been sure if the BS in your name stands for Betrayed Spouse or Bull S*** or both. But I'd say your BS meter (as in the latter BS) is working just fine.

My ex gave me a similar lament. OW's husband found out a week or so before I did, but instead of ending the affair it escalated. ExSAWH said it was because she didn't have anything to lose anymore and he was afraid she'd tell me - so he was just trying to keep her happy and quiet. It wouldn't have had anything to do with a) more opportunity once her husband was out of their house or b) his wanting to rescue a damsel in distress? Nope. He only had my best interests in mind, I'm sure.

posts: 339   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
id 8744607
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Solarchick ( member #80222) posted at 11:22 PM on Friday, July 15th, 2022

BlackRaven, my xSAWH played that same game in front of me. It was VERY difficult to separate the wonderful man I thought I was married to from the cluster f*ck shit show dumpster fire that I was actually married to. And seeing him be Mr. Nice Guy to the AP while I had to put up with "ol' lying McCheaterson" (Thank you Ellie for that tidbit of literary mastery!) had me thinking that maybe, just maybe, I could get Mr. Nice Guy back. Surely he has the capacity to actually BECOME that person, right? Surely all he needs is a case of crabs or the clap from the AP and he will instantly come to his senses, out of the fog, and magically fully commit to me, right? I was so hopeful for so long.

I asked God every day to tell me if xSAWH was going to wake up and stay with me or not. I didn't get an answer for months. I felt double-abandoned there for a while. Then, after almost a year, I finally heard the answer. It was no, but I was okay with it. I got to the point where I just needed an ANSWER. I betcha God was saying no the whole time, but I just couldn't bear to hear it.

The good news is that "ol' lying McCheaterson" married his AP, and now he cheats on her. She bought all of the bullshit "honesty" that he told her, and the poor dumb thing thought that he wouldn't do it to her. When you tell us about your WS's latest AP, quite honestly, my first thought is, "That girl must be dumber than a box of rocks." I thought and still think that my xWH's AP/wife is the dullest knife on the East Coast, because she bought all of that bullshit that he laid out right in front of her.

Any person not emotionally tied up with somebody would watch that scene and be yelling, "Run! RUN!" from the balcony. I mean, he's telling her what a lousy shit partner he is. HE'S TELLING HER! And somehow, he's evoking sympathy from her because he can't keep his dick in his pants.

You're better than that. You're smarter than that. You deserve more than that.

Me: BW, 56, two awesome grown sons. Remarried in 2010. That lasted 11 years.WXH: Not even a blip on my radar anymore. I'm glad he's messing up the OW's life now and leaving me alone. D (with cause) in 2004.

posts: 113   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Hilton Head, SC
id 8744971
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 7:14 PM on Monday, July 18th, 2022

I have a question for you Goddesses about boundaries


Post DDay, are you better at setting and enforcement of boundaries than pre DDay?

BW, 54 WH 53 When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2193   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8745284
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Solarchick ( member #80222) posted at 8:01 PM on Monday, July 18th, 2022

20yaBS, absolutely. It wasn't an instantaneously acquired skill, but once my instinct for self-preservation kicked in and took precedence over my instinct for his preservation, it became second nature. Now it generally applies to all aspects of my life. I'm no longer anybody's fool.

Me: BW, 56, two awesome grown sons. Remarried in 2010. That lasted 11 years.WXH: Not even a blip on my radar anymore. I'm glad he's messing up the OW's life now and leaving me alone. D (with cause) in 2004.

posts: 113   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Hilton Head, SC
id 8745294
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